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I still lean toward the fwb. Lol. I didn't push anyone away while I was pursuing that. In fact it was during this quest that I met the guy I am dating above. And when he had a very frank discussion about it and agreed to date and see where it goes since he wasn't interested in doing the fwb and I liked and was attracted to him enough to give him a chance.
And your right people do dump good partners all the time but his reasons just didnt make sense. If he wasn't interested in commitment why is he now looking for it? If he didn't want to
Marry her or eventually settle down why did he stay with her for 4 years and lead her on.
I did express my concern about it and he said that he wasn't like that anymore but they broke up less than a year ago so I find that hard to believe. I don't think he is lying necessarily but it's not like a significant amount of time has passed, I don't see how much would have changed, and he is still young.
He also couldn't give a reason as to why he didn't want to marry her, besides he just wasn't ready. Just seems like even if he had a good woman he could still potentially pass it up for fear of commitment and that's what makes me hesitant.
Was this women a FWB. Seems I read that somewhere. If not, sorry for mis info.
He may not have wanted commitment with her. He liked the FWB, but she wanted more, and demanding he date her, or she wouldn't talk to him. So, sounds like he did it or he'd lose her. Not as a sex partner, but a friend as well. So, it was under duress. So, he was wrong to go along with it. But she's far from a victim when she had to give an ultimatum/threat.
Maybe he has changed a bit. Sometimes people can have epiphanies. Maybe that ordeal halped him realize
1. Not to do something just to appease someone else.
2. Maybe after fooling around, he realized it leads to trouble.
He said he doesn't do the FWB thing anymore. That's a change. Why? I guess how sour it went last, he realized the relationships have a way of turning into drama fast.
How long is "less than a year"? By that I mean, do you have the exact number of months? If it was just 1 month ago, I may agree, but even then, it still isn't impossible to come to realizations.
He could be lying. So, it will boil down to how do you feel. Do you like him enough to take the risk, or do you just wanna call it all off. Either way, if you take the risk and break-up, or break up now, the result is the same. Broken up, and single.
So, I won't say you are overrating. One can never be too careful. But in relationships, risks are always around. Just have to figure what works.
Can you dump him now, and be regret free-no wondering what if.
Or, would you rather just see where things go, so even if they don't work, you're glad you tried.
My advice would be see where things go. Neither of you seems to have marriage on the brain yet, thus as you date, his last break-up will get further and further away, and you 2 can move forward together.
Ask him how he feels about marriage, maybe. Tell him you aren't pushing it, but you'd like to know where he is on it, and how he feels. If he's against marriage in general, and that doesn't work for you, then you can cut him loose.
Because even though it's seen as clingy, serious stuff needs to be discussed early on to avoid wasting time if you're in totally different places.
Was this women a FWB. Seems I read that somewhere. If not, sorry for mis info.
He may not have wanted commitment with her. He liked the FWB, but she wanted more, and demanding he date her, or she wouldn't talk to him. So, sounds like he did it or he'd lose her. Not as a sex partner, but a friend as well. So, it was under duress. So, he was wrong to go along with it. But she's far from a victim when she had to give an ultimatum/threat.
Maybe he has changed a bit. Sometimes people can have epiphanies. Maybe that ordeal halped him realize
1. Not to do something just to appease someone else.
2. Maybe after fooling around, he realized it leads to trouble.
He said he doesn't do the FWB thing anymore. That's a change. Why? I guess how sour it went last, he realized the relationships have a way of turning into drama fast.
How long is "less than a year"? By that I mean, do you have the exact number of months? If it was just 1 month ago, I may agree, but even then, it still isn't impossible to come to realizations.
He could be lying. So, it will boil down to how do you feel. Do you like him enough to take the risk, or do you just wanna call it all off. Either way, if you take the risk and break-up, or break up now, the result is the same. Broken up, and single.
So, I won't say you are overrating. One can never be too careful. But in relationships, risks are always around. Just have to figure what works.
Can you dump him now, and be regret free-no wondering what if.
Or, would you rather just see where things go, so even if they don't work, you're glad you tried.
My advice would be see where things go. Neither of you seems to have marriage on the brain yet, thus as you date, his last break-up will get further and further away, and you 2 can move forward together.
Ask him how he feels about marriage, maybe. Tell him you aren't pushing it, but you'd like to know where he is on it, and how he feels. If he's against marriage in general, and that doesn't work for you, then you can cut him loose.
Because even though it's seen as clingy, serious stuff needs to be discussed early on to avoid wasting time if you're in totally different places.
I believe they might have been fwb or something beyond just best friends for her to feel like she could even issue such an ultimatum. If they were truly platonic then I don't believe she would have said "be with me or else" . There was obviously something going on between them and she got frustrated with their status and knew that she wanted exclusivity And that she would move on if he didnt give it to her. So yes I definitely believe that they were more than platonic friends. And it's been about 11 months since the actual break up, but they had talked briefly 4 months after the break up and then he decided he was done for good. So realistically it's only been 6 months since he's been done with her.
Why run away from commitment only to pursue commitment months down the road? I didn't probe any further for details but it seemed like she did nothing wrong and did not hurt him in any way so why did he not want to settle down with her especially if he loved her. This to me was a potential red flag that he might be a commitment-phobe.
Not necessarily. Just because you love someone, that doesn't mean the person is right for you for the rest of your life.
Likewise, just because someone loves you, that doesn't mean you owe them a commitment.
How many relationships have you had? Sounds like you've never been in love and had a relationship end.
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Originally Posted by CapsChick
Your concern should be that he claims to have succumbed to a foolish ultimatum.
That, too. Sounds like he was thinking more with his little head than his big one.
What matters is, he did not say to you, 'She gave me the ultimatum and I chose to go along with it, and then I later realised I had made the wrong choice. I feel bad that I messed up that way, because I ended up hurting her.' He doesn't view it as a choice that he made.
It's subtle, maybe, but in my experience, it results in a huge difference in what it is like to be with the person. If you date him, whenever anything bad happens in his life, he will believe that he is powerless to do anything about it. And you will never be able to count on him -- you will never know if he is doing something because he really wants to, or is just faking and is going to back out next week.
I married this guy. And then I divorced him. We are still great freinds, and I love him a lot, but I would not marry him again.
Interesting. But in other discussions we've had he is very much a proponent of personal responsibility and freedom to make your own decisions and live with the consequences-we've even had debates about it. Although I fully agree with his opinion. In this situation however yes it does seem like he's saying she forced me. The way he presented it is that she gave him this ultimatum and he agreed to date her. But that he was off and on in the beginning because he wasn't really ready and so he did admit to hurting her.
And yes I have been in love but the relationship ended because he treated me like trash in the end. So while I can understand break ups, I suppose I can't understand two people in love, with no real wrong-doing done, and him deciding he can't commit further and ending it.
I probably won't stop dating him because of the ultimatum thing. Though it is somewhat childish to me I believe that in the context that he presented in that he primarily agreed to it because he liked her enough to not want to lose her. However this doesn't mean he was ready for it and they was the implied meaning that I got from it.
I guess at this point I need to decide if I want to risk getting caught up in him and him possibly ending things because he still isn't ready.
Interesting. But in other discussions we've had he is very much a proponent of personal responsibility and freedom to make your own decisions and live with the consequences-we've even had debates about it. Although I fully agree with his opinion. In this situation however yes it does seem like he's saying she forced me. The way he presented it is that she gave him this ultimatum and he agreed to date her.
Often when people are 'very much a proponent' of something, it is because they are not able to do it, themselves. Sometimes they are trying to learn. It's a form of newbie-ism.
People who actually do take responsibility for themselves never mention it, because they just think it is normal and default.
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And yes I have been in love but the relationship ended because he treated me like trash in the end. So while I can understand break ups, I suppose I can't understand two people in love, with no real wrong-doing done, and him deciding he can't commit further and ending it.
He either saw incompatibilities that would not work out for the long term, or he had issues of his own (e.g. fear of commitment) that he was not willing to work on.
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I probably won't stop dating him because of the ultimatum thing. Though it is somewhat childish to me I believe that in the context that he presented in that he primarily agreed to it because he liked her enough to not want to lose her.
You don't see whay that is a bad thing, for you?
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I guess at this point I need to decide if I want to risk getting caught up in him and him possibly ending things because he still isn't ready.
He definitely will. Or he will marry you, but then when you two buy a house or move to another state or have a kid he will freak out and break up with you. Or when he gets a new job, or gets promoted... There will be some choice that he makes, and then tries to un-make.
Often when people are 'very much a proponent' of something, it is because they are not able to do it, themselves. Sometimes they are trying to learn. It's a form of newbie-ism.
People who actually do take responsibility for themselves never mention it, because they just think it is normal and default.
He either saw incompatibilities that would not work out for the long term, or he had issues of his own (e.g. fear of commitment) that he was not willing to work on.
You don't see whay that is a bad thing, for you?
He definitely will. Or he will marry you, but then when you two buy a house or move to another state or have a kid he will freak out and break up with you. Or when he gets a new job, or gets promoted... There will be some choice that he makes, and then tries to un-make.
No I don't see the ultimatum issue as a "bad'" thing for NOW... I don't know enough details surrounding it to make a decision about it, like I said in the context that he presented it, they were best friends, somewhere down the line she developed feelings for him and though he did not say it I presume that something happened between them romantically or sexually on several occasions. She wanted him to be her boyfriend once she realized how she felt, but he was not ready for commitment, she gave him the ultimatum because she did not want to be hurt any further and because he liked her and cared for her he decided that he wanted to be with her and try to make it work. The issue however was that he wasn't truly really to be her boyfriend and so he was very off and on and wishy washy through their relationship. But he felts that because she knew how he was and because she issued such an ultimatum knowing how he was that he was very much pressured into a decision that he might not have made as quickly if it wasn't presented the way it was. Ultimatums typically result in that type of situation though--usually someone buckles down or they leave, he chose to buckle down because he cared for her, but he wasn't ready which is why he didn't initially ask her out in the first place.
In my situation he has asked me but I told him I was not ready yet. So in context I suppose that is why I'm not as worried as other people are--I see the situation a bit differently. And again I don't know the clear details of how it went down just the summed version. Overall I do find it silly that he buckled down to her ultimatum but I also feel it is no different than the numerous threads on here posted by women who have been engaged or in relationships for several years and are ready to walk unless the man proposes or agrees to marriage--people usually tell them to communicate their wants and if they don't get it move on. She did the same thing, and he buckled down to keep her because of the history they had. But he was immature and wasn't ready. And again he was 22, that was five years ago. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because he didn't really imply it as though it was a bad thing that she issued it, just that this is how their relationship formed and that he really hadn't been ready at the time for such a commitment.
I don't know if he is ready now, but I'm not necessarily ready either.
But your right, obviously all of this is a red flag. The commitment issue does concern me. I don't want to agree to be in a relationship with him and have it backfire. But I also don't to rule it out since he's told me has changed. Again I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see how his actions play out over the next month or so, to see whether I can trust him.
Oh, my mistake, I thought you said this was one year ago. I do think that most people move from 'not ready' to 'ready' to commit, between ages 22 and 27.
You could try asking him some questions, to try to get a sense of how responsible he actually feels (as opposed to what he knows he 'should' say) about his choices with her. Mostly open ended questions and then listen a lot. Stuff like, 'How do you feel now, about your choice to be with her?' and 'Did you feel pressured into the relationship?'
I wish you both well .
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