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Another thing...ESPECIALLY FOR MEN to realize is that....THEY ALL WILL NOT LIKE YOU.
There is not a man on the planet that has had 100% success rate with women.
So many guys get discouraged and give up all together just because of a few rejections.
That is the worst possible thing we as men can do.
REJECTION WILL HAPPEN.
How you bounce back from it will ultimately decide your success with women.
It's all a numbers game.
The more women you talk to the faster you find out what does/doesn't work for you.
It is so true that most people aren't going to like you, or at the very least, be compatible with you.
But it's not all just a numbers game. Dating is an investment of time to make connections to find the right person, it's not a race where you make superficial chat, snap judgments and rush off to the next person. If you're not willing to devote the time to the dating process, how do you think you will manage sustaining an actual relationship?
Sometimes I think we get really caught up on the idea of having other people like us. So we go a great distance out of our way to try and live up to another person's expectation of what we think they want to see from us. I've made myself feel so put down and left out so many times by the idea of not being accepted by somebody else. But at the same time, I was compromising on who I am. That's not fair to either me or the person I'm with at the moment.
The fact of the matter is that you should continue being yourself. Don't try to fit somebody else's mold by acting how you think you should act for them to like you. Keep being who you are and the end result should be that you'll attract somebody who likes you for you.
Now keep in mind, this doesn't mean that you should maintain bad habits. There may be actual things that you're doing that's hurting your chances at finding the one. And if you can get feedback, that is great. After a date that doesn't work out, feel free to ask the other person if there was anything you did that was off putting or a turn off. If they're a decent person, they should provide some quality feedback.
I hope somebody can take away something from my mistakes. Good luck out there! It's tough but ultimately worth it if you find the right fit.
Awesome advise. Always be yourself for the exact reason you say--so the person likes the real you. After all, if you put on an act and the person falls for the fake you, how will you maintain it? You can't... then things go downhill.
It is so true that most people aren't going to like you, or at the very least, be compatible with you.
But it's not all just a numbers game. Dating is an investment of time to make connections to find the right person, it's not a race where you make superficial chat, snap judgments and rush off to the next person. If you're not willing to devote the time to the dating process, how do you think you will manage sustaining an actual relationship?
Of course it is a numbers game.
You can do one of two things......
Focus on spending 2-3-4 years with one individual at a time.
OR
Focus on spending a few weeks with three or four individuals. Going on a few dates and getting to know them better until you are able to make a clear decision as to which one you want to actual begin a relationship with.
Last edited by usamathman; 07-25-2014 at 05:22 PM..
Focus on spending 2-3-4 years with one individual at a time.
OR
Focus on spending a few weeks with three or four individuals. Going on a few dates and getting to know them better until you are able to make a clear decision as to which one you want to actual begin a relationship with.
What would you consider a good or reasonable pool to start out with?
So far I'm 1-5 (maybe 2-5) on 2nd date possibilities with the first few women I've seen. Unfortunately, girl number one is currently living out of state and waiting for a job offer in state. We still communicate regularly and actually seemed to have hit it off on the first date. And the 2nd girl has been kind of flaky, but at least responsive. I doubt it's going anywhere though. Getting that 2nd date is the most challenging aspect right now.
The setback for me is that dating is time-consuming and can be somewhat expensive over time. I'm not sure I'm motivated for some long term (over a year) dating strategy with multiple women. I'd like to start making some traction sooner or later.
What would you consider a good or reasonable pool to start out with?
So far I'm 1-5 (maybe 2-5) on 2nd date possibilities with the first few women I've seen. Unfortunately, girl number one is currently living out of state and waiting for a job offer in state. We still communicate regularly and actually seemed to have hit it off on the first date. And the 2nd girl has been kind of flaky, but at least responsive. I doubt it's going anywhere though. Getting that 2nd date is the most challenging aspect right now.
The setback for me is that dating is time-consuming and can be somewhat expensive over time. I'm not sure I'm motivated for some long term (over a year) dating strategy with multiple women. I'd like to start making some traction sooner or later.
You should be talking to at least 3-5 women a day. Always have a backup. Men with options are always more attractive than ones with none.
The first date should be something cheap. Coffee....smoothie....walk in park. Keep it simple. Find a place where you can have a decent conversation. You don't have to spend $60 or $70 on a 1st date.
Why buy dinner for a woman that has not earned it or for a woman that you will never see again.
Keep first date simple. This will help you save $$ and weed out the flakes real quick.
The more women you talk to the faster you find out what does/doesn't work for you.
No, it's not a numbers game. That implies that if you keep pursuing women, sooner or later things will turn in your favor. Dating isn't playing the lottery where the outcome is completely random. You have to be smarter about who you pursue and how you pursue them. I would never waste my time pursuing a woman I knew I had no chance with or ones that were all wrong for me. But that's exactly what a lot of guys do. Why? Because they think it's a numbers game.
Focus on spending 2-3-4 years with one individual at a time.
OR
Focus on spending a few weeks with three or four individuals. Going on a few dates and getting to know them better until you are able to make a clear decision as to which one you want to actual begin a relationship with.
No. It doesn't boil down to those two options. As to your second option, dating is not like a season of a The Bachelor. If you're dating several people at once, you're not invested in any of them, but rather secretly auditioning them and seeing how they stack up against the others. If you always have others on the back burner, how much of a chance are you really giving someone and how much are you really putting into that connection?
No, it's not a numbers game. That implies that if you keep pursuing women, sooner or later things will turn in your favor. Dating isn't playing the lottery where the outcome is completely random. You have to be smarter about who you pursue and how you pursue them. I would never waste my time pursuing a woman I knew I had no chance with or ones that were all wrong for me. But that's exactly what a lot of guys do. Why? Because they think it's a numbers game.
This is a very difficult thing to do. For instance, you'd think that after answering 600 some questions on a dating profile that your matches would be pretty good. On OKC, the best date I went on was with an 87% match (nothing special). Some of the worst dates I went on were 95% and higher matches. I try to be smart about it, because, as I mentioned before, I don't like wasting my time and my money. So either people misrepresent themselves on those sites, or they're not as serious about dating as they make it seem. I know I'm not the only one who has had dismal experiences with these sites either. And I know it's not all me. I have plenty of friends who think I'm nice and cool just the way I am.
In the end, I get what usamathman is saying to an extent. Clearly, you don't want to chase anything with a pulse. However, it is a numbers game in that even with those that are supposedly good matches, it doesn't guarantee that it's going to work out. I went on four dates this past week and every one of them fizzled out. I assure you, it's nothing that I'm intentionally doing. There's just something that these particular girls either didn't like about me, or didn't find interesting enough or captivating enough where they didn't want to lose me. And since I can only be me, I need to keep on chasing if I want to find someone who will like me for me. So, to usamathman's point, it is a numbers game in that respect.
Sometimes I think we get really caught up on the idea of having other people like us. So we go a great distance out of our way to try and live up to another person's expectation of what we think they want to see from us. I've made myself feel so put down and left out so many times by the idea of not being accepted by somebody else. But at the same time, I was compromising on who I am. That's not fair to either me or the person I'm with at the moment.
The fact of the matter is that you should continue being yourself. Don't try to fit somebody else's mold by acting how you think you should act for them to like you. Keep being who you are and the end result should be that you'll attract somebody who likes you for you.
Now keep in mind, this doesn't mean that you should maintain bad habits. There may be actual things that you're doing that's hurting your chances at finding the one. And if you can get feedback, that is great. After a date that doesn't work out, feel free to ask the other person if there was anything you did that was off putting or a turn off. If they're a decent person, they should provide some quality feedback.
I hope somebody can take away something from my mistakes. Good luck out there! It's tough but ultimately worth it if you find the right fit.
It is good advice, but the problem arises when things are too one sided.
Most people reject a fairly equal amount of people or more than they get rejected by.
It goes beyond romance too. For social life, people also want the most interesting and exciting and even best looking people in their lives. So, if you are always getting the short end of the stick there, that sucks too. Most people don't realize they blow off probably twice as many people as they get blown off by.
This is a very difficult thing to do. For instance, you'd think that after answering 600 some questions on a dating profile that your matches would be pretty good. On OKC, the best date I went on was with an 87% match (nothing special). Some of the worst dates I went on were 95% and higher matches. I try to be smart about it, because, as I mentioned before, I don't like wasting my time and my money. So either people misrepresent themselves on those sites, or they're not as serious about dating as they make it seem. I know I'm not the only one who has had dismal experiences with these sites either. And I know it's not all me. I have plenty of friends who think I'm nice and cool just the way I am.
In the end, I get what usamathman is saying to an extent. Clearly, you don't want to chase anything with a pulse. However, it is a numbers game in that even with those that are supposedly good matches, it doesn't guarantee that it's going to work out. I went on four dates this past week and every one of them fizzled out. I assure you, it's nothing that I'm intentionally doing. There's just something that these particular girls either didn't like about me, or didn't find interesting enough or captivating enough where they didn't want to lose me. And since I can only be me, I need to keep on chasing if I want to find someone who will like me for me. So, to usamathman's point, it is a numbers game in that respect.
You're looking at a match score and using that as a predictor of how well your date with someone will go. But all a 95% match means is that you agreed on 95% of the questions. That still doesn't guarantee you'll click with them when you finally meet. It's merely a guideline, a way of steering you away from people who are definitely wrong for you and towards people who you're more likely to have stuff in common with. But having a lot in common with someone isn't enough to hit it off when you finally meet. So you went on four dates with people who, on paper, were good matches. But none of them worked out. The next step is to look at these four dates. What did they all have in common that might've been bad? Was there something you did or didn't do on these dates that might've been a mistake? And even if there's nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong, these 4 bad dates are still valuable experience. Remember, all feedback is good feedback.
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