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My results pretty much confirmed what I already knew:
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.61, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space.
As far as attachment and online dating goes, I have noticed that people can become more emotionally invested in someone if they've been chatting with them for a while. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking someone is a great match for you. Your OKC score is in the 90s, you exchange lengthy emails often, and you start to convince yourself that this person really could be great for you. But then you meet and discover you have no real chemistry. I think this is why online dating fails a lot of people. They get their hopes up too easily and start to believe they have a strong connection with someone when they really don't. In your mind, you've built this person up as something that they're not.
This is a good point. I think it's maybe not only the time commitment with chatting with someone, but also the money investment if you use a pay site. It's like people want to "Get their money's worth" and find love and make something, anything fit.
People who are discerning won't date someone who would want to go out to a bar the next day after a break up and hook up with someone new. That shows an extreme level of emotional problems. Personally, I only date people who choose to be celibate for a year or two between serious relationships. Those are the people who have the skills to deal with their own feelings, instead of trying to escape them.
PUA is so messed up, in who they tell you to admire. They get everything backwards, and tell you to emulate the broken people.
I can see why you would think that. But, IRL, people who are abusive in relationships are extremely insecure. They are bullies, and bullies act out of feelings of insecurity. Their partners often stay (for a while) because they pity them.
You know, this is a good idea. When I think about it, people I know who end up being serial breaker-uppers (or serial divorces) go right from one relationship to the next without taking time to heal. It amazes me that when I joined my divorce support group (five years ago) there were other people like me who recently divorced. In the course of those 5 years, they met someone, remarried, and in most of the cases divorced again. There's something to be said about those of us who are taking things slower. Heck, I didn't even try to date until 2 years after my ex left me and some people in my group, even 5 years later, have no interest in dating. They (meaning the serial daters) told us to get back out there... but most of them are divorced twice now. Something to think about.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Going out and dating right away or entering into a new relationship right away is no way the same as having some sex right away after a relationship. Completely different thing.
Going out and dating right away or entering into a new relationship right away is no way the same as having some sex right away after a relationship. Completely different thing.
Good point. I was thinking in terms of myself (very limited thinking, I know) for me dating, emotion, and sex go hand-in-hand as I need to have feelings for the man for the sex to be fully enjoyable for me. But for some, sex and love can be (and are) separate.
Good point. I was thinking in terms of myself (very limited thinking, I know) for me dating, emotion, and sex go hand-in-hand as I need to have feelings for the man for the sex to be fully enjoyable for me. But for some, sex and love can be (and are) separate.
Believe it or not, I know more women who are interested in the sex part, and not so much interested in the love part. If they're self-sufficient, why open themselves up to another marriage? That's why I'm surprised you need such an emotional connection to have sex, yet you have all these conditions that a man has to follow. Yes, I understand that the men you have encountered have came on too strong, but maybe you're overlooking men yourself. When online, did you find yourself messaging any men first?
Last edited by weezerfan84; 07-29-2014 at 08:49 AM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
Believe it or not, I know more women who are interested in the sex part, and not so much interested in the love part. If their self-sufficient, why open themselves up to another marriage? That's why I'm surprised you need such an emotional connection to have sex, yet you have all these conditions that a man has to follow. Yes, I understand that the men you have encountered have came on too strong, but maybe you're overlooking men yourself. When online, did you find yourself messaging any men first?
Women who want sex without the involvement or complexities of a relationship are as numerous as stars in the sky. Despite what some here would like you to believe. Sometimes I think finding a relationship minded adult woman is more the challenge.
So what about the types who have trouble being alone or single, who will call four or five times a day, but who are uncomfortable with intimacy and get annoyed when the person they date wants to see them more than once on the weekend?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
So what about the types who have trouble being alone or single, who will call four or five times a day, but who are uncomfortable with intimacy and get annoyed when the person they date wants to see them more than once on the weekend?
I refer them to the self help section of their local library and change my number.
Believe it or not, I know more women who are interested in the sex part, and not so much interested in the love part. If their self-sufficient, why open themselves up to another marriage? That's why I'm surprised you need such an emotional connection to have sex, yet you have all these conditions that a man has to follow. Yes, I understand that the men you have encountered have came on too strong, but maybe you're overlooking men yourself. When online, did you find yourself messaging any men first?
I don't have a lot of requirements... it's the opposite. The men are the ones with all the requirements and I just can't keep up with it. For example, they want me to call every night, text several times a day, etc, etc, and a goal to marry or be in a "serious" relationship to put them first above all other things including my child, my job, my family and friends, etc. I just want to date, have fun, and not take it all too serious--at least at first. Doesn't mean I am devoid of wanting an emotional connection. I don't understand why so many men just don't get this... it doesn't have to be full on uber serious relationship or ONS and nothing in-between. It doesn't need to be one extreme or the other... there is a whole gray area in the middle.
And I did message many men first. Most don't reply and I had enough men messaging me first that I didn't need to send out many messages except to the ones I was extremely interested in. But I would guess about a third of the men I started talking to and dating were men I contacted first.
So what about the types who have trouble being alone or single, who will call four or five times a day, but who are uncomfortable with intimacy and get annoyed when the person they date wants to see them more than once on the weekend?
I think those are the anxious/avoidant types:
Anxious-Avoidant: ...Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. According to studies, only a small percentage of the population qualifies as anxious-avoidant types, and they typically have a multitude of other emotional problems in other areas of their life (i.e., substance abuse, depression, etc.).
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