Why do I feel this way? (dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, men)

[DetroitDon]

Brand new here so please cut me some slack!

Here is the issue. I am a white man and consider myself racially open minded, and progressive. My girlfriend (white) whom I love dearly had dated a black man in the past. She told me up front early in our relationship and I told her I had no problem with it. For reference, I "almost" date a black lady. (I hope black is correct to use here!)

Yet I have repeated thoughts about her with him. We discuss the issue openly and honeslty. I frankly am unsure why this seems to be an issue with me when it should not, I told her (and myself) it was not and really see no reason for it to be.

I looked at other forums but found this one to be the more civil so here I am.

I welcome any and all constructive comments.

[Rapture]

It seems to me the issue is that you and your girlfriend keep discussing a past relationship when it should just be left in the past. I don't think it's a good idea to keep bringing up ex's in any relationship. People tend to make unfair comparisons.

[Marylandkitten]

Why are you placing so much emphasis on someone's color, that you had nothing to do with?

I would balk if someone thought it a prerequisite to ask me if I had ever dated an African American, while they were going out with me.

And why are you fixating so much on a past relationship? If you're having that much trouble getting over it, you have problems.
Her past has nothing to do with you... only (possibly) her future?

I agree with Rance, it's not a good idea to keep bringing up exs in relationships. It means you can't - get - over - it - already.

[MonaLisaVito]

Hi Don! I'm assuming your from Detroit? Former Detroiter here

Anyway, I believe it's ok to discuss previous relationships if both parties want to, no harm. I would not let it interfere with your relationship though, she's with you now, not him.

Any particular reason it bothers you? I'm thinking it might be something else and maybe not the race?

[sicajinpa]

Hmmm, that's a tricky one. Obviously it's not like you're "intentionally" thinking these things. That sounds stupid but I don't think we can always control where our mind races to. It could just be that somewhere deep down maybe it's a little intimidating to you. It's the "unknown". You may think that somehow a black man could steal her away by offering something that you can't? I think once you're in the relationship for a longer while these feelings will most likely fade away given time. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[nicolepsy]

maybe you're just comparing yourself to her old boyfriend and this would happen no matter what color he was. maybe you're wondering if you are as pleasing to her as her old boyfriend. it just sounds like some kind of nagging self doubt type of thing. just let it go! you are you and that's all you can be and im sure youre perfectly fabulous!

[johnycakes]

All I can think is you may be somehow comparing yourself to the other guy... maybe concerned you're not as virile as the black guy or whatever. Do you have similar thoughts about white guys she has dated, or was the only issue on the table the issue of race? Maybe you're not as progressive as you think you are.

[DetroitDon]

Originally Posted by Fiddlekitten

Why are you placing so much emphasis on someone's color, that you had nothing to do with?

I would balk if someone thought it a prerequisite to ask me if I had ever dated an African American, while they were going out with me.

And why are you fixating so much on a past relationship? If you're having that much trouble getting over it, you have problems.
Her past has nothing to do with you... only (possibly) her future?

I agree with Rance, it's not a good idea to keep bringing up exs in relationships. It means you can't - get - over - it - already.

Thank you Fiddlekitten, I did not ask nor was it a prerequisite, she offered the information. Yes I agree I need to "get over it" and why I threw it out here to get some good feedback. I appreciate it.

[Rance]

Originally Posted by Fiddlekitten

I agree with Rance, it's not a good idea to keep bringing up exs in relationships. It means you can't - get - over - it - already.

Hey wait a minute. I haven't even posted here yet! But I will. Is there some penis envy going on or what? Do you feel inferior because she dated an African American male? Seems to me you have issues that need to be delt with. I'd get over it and quick. Or you may end up driving her away with this never ending thinking of her with a black man. If you really care for her he should not even be in your mind. She should be. Now get over it and move on.

[Lior Arel]

Gonna it get in trouble here, but...

Okay. You need to work through this. Sadly, much of USA sees black men as victimizers, criminals, etc. (even when one tries to be open minded). You are fixated on her intimate relations with this man because you love her. Something in the views handed to you from the society around you and maybe even stressed from the way she "volunteered" this information to you has led you to feel that she was victimized by this man. You love her and though it's in the past you're experiencing a protective instinct. By identifying (I'm not judging) you can start to work through these unfounded feelings.