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I only one one sentence to say: DO NOT, repeated DO NOT, DO NOT ever under any circumstances get involved with someone who is 1) Married or 2) in a relationship (already have bf/gf) Simple as that.
Don't give a S-h-i-t if their relationship is happy or not, the key here is they NOT available, they taken.
This is MORAL and respect issue, don't become the third wheel in someone relationship.
So you leave she alone to solve her OWN relationship, when she cut all ties with the bf, and become single again, then you can approach her. Simple as that.
A girl when she is in a relationship yet still says to another guy she dreams of sex with him is nothing but a huge low life. Either she should quit that relationship or not expose her dirty thoughts to a guy who is falling for her. This is not good behavior
I only one one sentence to say: DO NOT, repeated DO NOT, DO NOT ever under any circumstances get involved with someone who is 1) Married or 2) in a relationship (already have bf/gf) Simple as that.
Don't give a S-h-i-t if their relationship is happy or not, the key here is they NOT available, they taken.
This is MORAL and respect issue, don't become the third wheel in someone relationship.
So you leave she alone to solve her OWN relationship, when she cut all ties with the bf, and become single again, then you can approach her. Simple as that.
Perhaps you should hit the OP on his head with a clue by 4 while saying this to him.
Hello all. I've been scanning these forums for a while now (and they've helped tremendously), but I've recently run into a predicament with a very close lady friend and would love any advice. It's kind of a long story but it's actually pretty interesting, so I would appreciate if anyone could give me some advice, opinion or thoughts on what I should do.
So, before you say "Oh brother, another guy who's in love with a girl who has a boyfriend." just read along. If not, I'll include a TL;DR at the end anyways.
First some quick back story on myself. I am 22 and have never been in an intimate relationship with a girl, which is why I find this whole situation very complicated. I've accepted the fact that I've never really been in a relationship because I am normally not very outgoing and had a very poor self-image for most of my life. Though, over the last year or so I have grown and become healthier, more confident, and now feel ready to move forward with my love life...except for one last thing that has been weighing me down.
We will call this girl "Lady" for ease of reference, but about a year ago we got new employee at the store I work at (my dad owns it and I've been working there since I was young) and that is the first time I met Lady. Now, it's not like it was love at first sight or anything...but after spending time with her and getting to know her, I began to develop feelings for her.
This is where things get complicated.
Lady has a boyfriend, and in fact, they've been together for about 5 years just recently. Now, before you think anything, you should know that I practice my own personal moral code very seriously and would NEVER do anything to break apart a relationship that is obviously solid. I just wouldn't be comfortable with myself doing it. And not to be judgmental (since I've never met the guy), but from what I hear from Lady, he's a pretty big D bagel. Not only has he cheated on her before (which I can tell she's never gotten over) but also mentally abusive (name calling) and emotionally unresponsive and controlling in the relationship. All of these problems come up consistently when I converse with her although, of course, she will also tell me that she still loves him.
"Dude, run. These girls are NOTHING but trouble." Yeah, I know. But the problem is that me and Lady have gotten close...in fact she is one of the few people on this earth I feel I could tell anything. I've confided almost every problem I have with her and her vice versa to me. After being friends for about a year, we've become almost inseparable and romance aside, I truly love Lady for who she is and more than anything just wish for her to be happy.
But, there is still some ambiguity between both of us, which is why I am asking for advice. I live a good distance away from the store, so the only time we ever spend together is during work or the once a week lunches we go to (which is on work time). Although, the biggest reason why I only spend time with her at work is because her boyfriend is very controlling and needs her to be home right after work or he flips out on her. But, even though I've told her if she wasn't comfortable with doing lunches, we shouldn't do them...she says she doesn't care and that she looks forward to our lunches every week.
As well, the whole time I've known her she has been extremely "touchy-feely" almost to the point where it makes ME uncomfortable. She will constantly touch my arm, hug me and on multiple occasions slapped / grabbed my ass. Lady consistently flirts with me and as such, I will reciprocate. She's told me she loves me and we consistently talk about sex/having sex, though I feel more than anything it is just fun flirting. She also told me (mind you this is how close we are) that she had not one, but two separate dreams of us having sex.
Now, here is where the problem is. I don't know how much longer I will be working for my dad because I may be moving to a different state for graduate school, and because of this I feel I will loose contact with Lady very, very quickly if I don't work with her (since it's literally where we spend all of our time together). It scares me a lot to loose her, but I feel it's just inevitable if I continue to be ambiguous about my feelings towards her, mostly because I'm scared of rejection. But, recently I have had a change in mindset that I would rather bite the bullet and feel the sting of her letting me know we don't have a romantic future than to continue wondering what could have happened and let such an amazing girl pass through my fingertips. The only thing I am worried about is making her feel uncomfortable and letting her know that I don't want her to feel obligated to break up with her boyfriend because of me, but because she wants to and that I am here for her if she does. The last thing I want is her to feel guilty.
This is where you all come in. I am for sure going to let her know how I feel one way or another on our next lunch date. I'm not sure if I should just pour my heart out, which when I play it through my head could either be really amazing or really, really....REALLY uncomfortable for her and for me. Or, I can casually ask her "have you ever pictured you and I in a relationship" and kind of go on from there, which I feel is a less "balls to the wall" way to go. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to approach this and wouldn't even mind some encouragement or even some (constructive, please) criticism about how I should plan to approach the situation. Any advice would be amazing.
TL;DR: I love this girl who I've known for a while. I've been kind of ambiguous about my feelings towards her and she has a boyfriend who is a D bagel. I really feel she loves me too and she seems very unhappy with her current relationship which is the only reason why I would even be considering telling her. I need advice on how to approach it.
Thanks everyone for any help! Let me know if it feels I missed out an important piece of the puzzle.
If she really loves you, she'd leave him without you even mentioning anything.
Because if she's clearly that unhappy and over him, she'd drop him in a heart beat knowing there are plenty of other fishes in the sea.
Apparently, not to burst your bubble, she hasn't maybe felt that way.. just yet? Maybe she's still really into him, and if she is, what makes you think you telling her would change her mind? She's obviously still attached.
Sometimes it takes people to learn 8 times the mistakes they make. Given that she's been with him for 5 years and their relationship is a stalemate, I'd broach the topic of her not seeming happy and leave it at that. Even if she breaks up with him, you still need to give her some time alone. You don't want to be the rebound, and you want her to regain some sense of clarity before you two even start.. to be fair.
I'm not condoning you get involved either. But, if she is truly that unhappy.. then you still need to side-step the relationship and let her be. Not the right time.
I only one one sentence to say: DO NOT, repeated DO NOT, DO NOT ever under any circumstances get involved with someone who is 1) Married or 2) in a relationship (already have bf/gf) Simple as that.
Don't give a S-h-i-t if their relationship is happy or not, the key here is they NOT available, they taken.
This is MORAL and respect issue, don't become the third wheel in someone relationship.
So you leave she alone to solve her OWN relationship, when she cut all ties with the bf, and become single again, then you can approach her. Simple as that.
Good advice coming from this gentleman. OP, have you heard about this thing called Karma? If you somehow managed to break them up, she's going to leave you eventually if you two get into a relationship.
Read up on the white knight syndrome. It will help you very much.
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