Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Does she take meds? Has she been diagnosed with manic depression, bi polar disorder? What was the relationship between the victim and the abuser? Was he a relative? Or was he a family friend? How did her secret get out? Did she tell her parents? And what kind of reaction did they give her? As Memphis says above, I think that most women have had some sort of abuse in their lifetime. I went a few years where it seemed like every woman I met was sexually abused. Anyway, unless you know the answers to the questions above, you really can't tell what looms in the future. I can tell you that I had one woman, who never told me until she started exhibiting signs. She was a aggressive sexually, but things changed when she started having feelings. Soon after she said she loved me, she began to withdraw sexually. She also became weary of anything I did. She had been disappointed or abused by most that she loved, and once she felt that love for me, she started preparing herself for the inevitable. Good luck, I will tell you that if you continue with the relationship, you will have to be a super boyfriend. You will have to just understand, that if she has outbursts of anger, it has nothing to do with you, unless you did something. You have to be a bigger person, than anyone else. You will have to let her vent, and take nothing personally.
Run like hell and dont look back. Everybody has had some type of trauma, the difference is that most move on and don't feel like being a victim forever.
I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
I can vouch for the EMDR treatment, if she still has unresolved PTSD. She may not. You could ask her about it. I had a gf who had suffered some abuse, but she got the right treatment, and was fine.
1. You get to know her and observe her over time.
2. It might not affect her anymore. Ask her what treatment she's gotten for it. If she's still in therapy, I'd have my doubts that she got effective treatment, but you won't know until you ask.
3. Don't ask her about the abuse. Let her volunteer anything that could be dicey.
4. I'd wait and see how things play out. Don't over-worry it. And don't harp on it.
By all means, if having a woman in your life who has a perfect past and no emotional baggage is the most important thing to you, then you must sadly, part ways.
Obviously you are too good for her.
Everyone has something. The people who make it through the worst histories can be the most wise, the most compassionate, and the most able to understand everything and offer the best companionship.
Everyone is different. While some may be compassionate, others' might be tough and kind of mean. What is YOUR experience with her?
Everyone has something. The people who make it through the worst histories can be the most wise, the most compassionate, and the most able to understand everything and offer the best companionship.
So true. Suffering can breed compassion, as long as it's overcome. It's surprising how many cases of unresolved trauma there are, walking around, though.
Again, truth. I know of a lot myself. And, you know, even if you go to therapy for years, or not, it still comes down to what the individual does for themselves to recover, and how they choose to be in the world...such as it is.
This is hard to believe, but many studies I have seen show that somewhere around 70% of women are sexually abused at some point in their lives. This would mean that most women have to deal with this issue, or something similar.
Most people move on, The best thing I can tell you is to just let her talk about it when she is ready. Go ahead and put all of those "well is she not with me tonight because of her past" thoughts. That isn't the case, and even if it is, you need to give her the space.
My sister was sexually abused, raped, by her then older step brother when she was around 8 or 9. This went on for over a year as well without my mothers knowledge.
Misty went to therapy when she was younger, and spoke to one during her divorce. She realized that a lot of the men that she had been with didn't treat her well, and she now feels like that was choices she made to deal with her own feelings of worthlessness.
Now my sister and I are close, so maybe I have more knowledge then most do with her. But she has made a wonderful life for herself, has three children, and lives with a great guy, hard for me to say as a brother.
Rape isn't as traumatic as some people would make you out to believe. No more traumatic then yelling/hitting (face) parents, or drunken daddies, or any of the other child hood trauma that we go through. Sex is seen as nasty in our country, so rape is seen as the ultimate abuse. In the great scheme of life, its no more or less traumatic then things many people deal with in their lives. As I said, somewhere around 70% of women are abused at some point in their lives. Humans are remarkable at coping with extreme mental and physical trauma, but it really depends on just how strong you are.
Rape isn't traumatic?
This is the most absurd thing I have heard. Yelling or a slap in the face is nothing compared to a rape.
I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
It sounds like she has recovered for the most part. You would be surprised at how many people have been victimized. Even your close friends and family might be hiding this from you, sometimes even a parent or spouse.
If you like her then continue, if you are not that into her break up.
Well, lets take it in context, Meyerland. The poster was saying that the trauma can be overcome. But, I don't think they're suggesting it is something that is inconsequential.
However, unless someone has experienced it themselves. Or maybe someone they are very close to has experienced it, there is no way they CAN know.
Its just human nature, we can't know what it feels like to stub your toe no matter how its described, until you do it yourself.
Rape isn't traumatic?
This is the most absurd thing I have heard. Yelling or a slap in the face is nothing compared to a rape.
Its no more traumatic then other child hood abuses. No
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
