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Is there an echo in here? Yes, that is what I said. You lie, date dies. I can't trust a liar. End of story.
Thank you for proving my point about people who make too big a deal out of every lie, no matter how small the lie is. By the way, if a guy says he read The Hunger Games, but it turns out he never finished the book, will you now assume he lies about everything else? And is that enough reason not to date him?
Dishonesty is not an all-or-nothing concept. There are degrees of dishonesty. What if a woman writes on her profile that she's big baseball fan in the hopes that it might make her sound more attractive, only it turns out that she's not a regular fan and only goes to the occasional game. Are you now going to dismiss her as a liar? Are you going to assume that she's lied about everything else too?
I don't believe that just because someone lies about one thing that they automatically lie about everything else. People are more selective about when they tell the truth. I'll exaggerate on my resume, but I won't lie to my doctor when he asks about my diet. Same with dating. Someone might lie about their age. But that doesn't mean they're also lying about their marital status, their religion, their political views, etc.
It also depends on the other person's deal breaker. For example, if a person lies about his political view, I would be totally okay about it. But if he lies about marital status, I don't think I can ever forgive him because I am a very loyal person who will never break another woman's marriage or relationship.
The bolded is borderline. I've met a guy who said he loved art and could create art. Turned out, all he can master is perhaps stick figures. To him, he was good. To me, he knew nothing about art. But I wouldn't call him a liar, he just had Unstoppable Self-Confidence.
Thank you for proving my point about people who make too big a deal out of every lie, no matter how small the lie is. By the way, if a guy says he read The Hunger Games, but it turns out he never finished the book, will you now assume he lies about everything else? And is that enough reason not to date him?
You think I'm making too big a deal out of it. Seems a number of people here agree with me on this. We don't think it's making too big a deal out of it. Different strokes. If you want to date liars and insecure manipulators, go ahead. But I will say that if I were a man and I wanted kids, and a woman in her 40s lied about being in her 30s, I'd be annoyed and dropkick her then and there. Those few years do make a difference in terms of having kids.
At any rate, I don't have to settle for people who can't be honest about the smallest thing.
"Big baseball fan" is subjective. To some, going to a couple of games a year might make them feel like a big fan. For others, you're no kind of fan unless you have season tickets, rattle off stats, make pilgrimages to Cooperstown, etc. Something that is pretty subjective isn't really liar territory.
Lying is deliberately misrepresenting actual verifiable FACTS. Saying you graduated from X school when you did not. Saying you are divorced when you are not. Saying you have no debt when you do.
People who find it easy to misrepresent the truth are difficult to take seriously on matters of trustworthiness. You damage your own character when you lie. Bottom line.
Dishonesty is not an all-or-nothing concept. There are degrees of dishonesty. What if a woman writes on her profile that she's big baseball fan in the hopes that it might make her sound more attractive, only it turns out that she's not a regular fan and only goes to the occasional game. Are you now going to dismiss her as a liar? Are you going to assume that she's lied about everything else too?
I don't believe that just because someone lies about one thing that they automatically lie about everything else. People are more selective about when they tell the truth. I'll exaggerate on my resume, but I won't lie to my doctor when he asks about my diet. Same with dating. Someone might lie about their age. But that doesn't mean they're also lying about their marital status, their religion, their political views, etc.
alright lets take your example shall we? she said she is a big baseball fan, but it turns out that she doesnt pay as much attention as a real big fan would, is that truly a lie? she said she is a fan of baseball, and she kind of is a fan. what she did is more of an exaggeration on something that she actually does, which is go to games from time to time.
that said however, it does throw up a yellow flag so i will be on my guard to see if there is anything else she was less than truthful about.
Dishonesty is the ultimate slippery slope, though. Somebody who has no problem justifying small fabrications may have no issue justifying larger ones.
In a dating profile, all a lie does is expose an insecurity...never an attractive thing.
Yep. And I'm of the age where I look at some of these photos of guys claiming to be 49 when they look like they are pushing 60 and it's all I can do to just delete the email without saying, "Turnip truck is over there. Go find someone who just fell off it, Gramps."
People lie in the world of dating. That's true with online dating sites and it's true in the offline world as well. Sure, none of us like being mislead. There are big lies and little ones. Obviously, if someone lied to you and said they were single when they were actually married, you should be upset. But it seems like a lot of people, particularly on this forum, get a little too worked up over lies that really aren't that big a deal. When someone lies to me, instead of just focusing on their dishonesty, I also factor in their intent. Was this person being malicious? Or did they simply lie out of fear?
Let's take the scenario we've heard described a million times on this forum. A guy chats with a girl online, agrees to meet in person for coffee or drinks, and discovers she doesn't look like the person in her photos. Sure, you can get upset that this person mislead you. But was she doing it as a joke? Was she trying to humiliate you or hurt you? No. She was afraid of being rejected. I'm not saying it's OK that she lied. But I think how you deal with someone else's dishonesty speaks volumes about you. I remember meeting someone who lied about her age on her profile. She said she was 37, but she was actually 40. Sure it bothered me that she lied. But I quickly got over it. Now contrast that with some of the guys on this forum who go and on about how their precious time was wasted, how this overweight woman who posted old pictures of herself was a horrible person, etc. I sometimes wonder whether these guys have realistic expectations. Lying is part of dating. Get used to it. And I'm willing to bet that the very people who get upset about everyone else's dishonesty have probably told a few lies themselves.
Wow, you really love to lie to yourself don't you?
I think the issue is not always about lying, but it can be a matter where people don't realize that they painted themselves a certain way & the reality of them doesn't match the picture the other person has in their head now. That's not to say it's even their fault - the other person could be building up expectations that are their own distortion or simply due to limited info. Of course, everyone puts their best foot forward, so this can mean we seem to lead more exciting lives than the day-to-day really reflects.
Not looking EXACTLY like pictures can be a matter of hairstyle, lighting, makeup, clothing, how well-rested you are, and even angles (which can make your face look different). There may be no intention to deceive or even attempts to look way better than you do, but its just a matter of photos not truly replicating reality perfectly. And some people just don't photograph the way they look in person (yes, I know some who look BETTER in photos, without any trickery). Some use photos a few years old, figuring they look about the same & perhaps not wanting to bother with new ones.
So I think it's good to ask yourself
- was I really lied to?
- or did I build up a fantasy based off of limited info?
- and if so, did I do so because the person was actually deceptive (purposley left info out or manipulated it) or because I made assumptions?
When people lie about the little things, I have to wonder why. Someone I knew in the past lied to me about something so small and insignificant...and when the truth came out I was left scratching my head (to this day I can't figure out why they lied). I wasn't going to react poorly to the news, at worst I would have been completely indifferent about the information they lied about.
Anyway, they went on to lie about other things as well, some I confronted them on and some I just didn't have the energy to...so where would one draw the line? How do you trust that someone is being truthful when they have broken that trust in the past? Do you believe them this time, how about the next time?
I used to put up with that bullcrap. I don't have time for that anymore in my life. I'm married, so not out there dating, but a friend that lies...buh-bye. I can't be bothered spending the metal energy deciding if they are being truthful or not every time they open their mouth.
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