Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Actually, I would hope that an adult in his or her 40s would have a better-developed sense of right, wrong, and honesty than a three-year-old!
And on that note, I'm off for the evening.
The fact is, no matter the age, reinforced behavior tends toward repetition. If you tolerate lying, you'll get lied to by the person you tolerate it from.
To each his or her own. If you meet a woman who looks cute in her photos and says she's 30 when actually she's 100 pounds over weight and 40 years old and that doesn't bother you, then awesome. Let us know how that works out for you down the line. There's no reason to lie. We are who we are and we can't hide the truth of who we are, how old we are, and what we look like forever, so what is the motivation for lying? Because the other person will be so besotted with us in person they won't care? Doubtful.
I don't understand why anyone would try to argue it was okay to lie unless they had nothing to do but sit around and argue with people on the internet. Or you yourself have a profile full of half truths and are trying to excuse yourself.
Show me where I try to pin this on the person who's supposed to handle the lying. Show me where I take away blame from the person who lied.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
People lie in the world of dating. That's true with online dating sites and it's true in the offline world as well. Sure, none of us like being mislead. There are big lies and little ones. Obviously, if someone lied to you and said they were single when they were actually married, you should be upset. But it seems like a lot of people, particularly on this forum, get a little too worked up over lies that really aren't that big a deal. When someone lies to me, instead of just focusing on their dishonesty, I also factor in their intent. Was this person being malicious? Or did they simply lie out of fear?
Let's take the scenario we've heard described a million times on this forum. A guy chats with a girl online, agrees to meet in person for coffee or drinks, and discovers she doesn't look like the person in her photos. Sure, you can get upset that this person mislead you. But was she doing it as a joke? Was she trying to humiliate you or hurt you? No. She was afraid of being rejected. I'm not saying it's OK that she lied. But I think how you deal with someone else's dishonesty speaks volumes about you. I remember meeting someone who lied about her age on her profile. She said she was 37, but she was actually 40. Sure it bothered me that she lied. But I quickly got over it. Now contrast that with some of the guys on this forum who go and on about how their precious time was wasted, how this overweight woman who posted old pictures of herself was a horrible person, etc. I sometimes wonder whether these guys have realistic expectations. Lying is part of dating. Get used to it. And I'm willing to bet that the very people who get upset about everyone else's dishonesty have probably told a few lies themselves.
For one, I interpreted the bold/underlined section as such.
And do you mind telling us what you've lied about in the past?
The fact is, no matter the age, reinforced behavior tends toward repetition. If you tolerate lying, you'll get lied to by the person you tolerate it from.
People lie in the world of dating. That's true with online dating sites and it's true in the offline world as well. Sure, none of us like being mislead. There are big lies and little ones. Obviously, if someone lied to you and said they were single when they were actually married, you should be upset. But it seems like a lot of people, particularly on this forum, get a little too worked up over lies that really aren't that big a deal. When someone lies to me, instead of just focusing on their dishonesty, I also factor in their intent. Was this person being malicious? Or did they simply lie out of fear?
Let's take the scenario we've heard described a million times on this forum. A guy chats with a girl online, agrees to meet in person for coffee or drinks, and discovers she doesn't look like the person in her photos. Sure, you can get upset that this person mislead you. But was she doing it as a joke? Was she trying to humiliate you or hurt you? No. She was afraid of being rejected. I'm not saying it's OK that she lied. But I think how you deal with someone else's dishonesty speaks volumes about you. I remember meeting someone who lied about her age on her profile. She said she was 37, but she was actually 40. Sure it bothered me that she lied. But I quickly got over it. Now contrast that with some of the guys on this forum who go and on about how their precious time was wasted, how this overweight woman who posted old pictures of herself was a horrible person, etc. I sometimes wonder whether these guys have realistic expectations. Lying is part of dating. Get used to it. And I'm willing to bet that the very people who get upset about everyone else's dishonesty have probably told a few lies themselves.
I'm assuming that you're talking about both genders here because you just gave two examples that the woman lies and it should be forgiven. And if the man tells a lie that is similar to your example, a woman should look past that, too.
Yes, we lie because most of us are insecure in some facet in our lives. I may be a great person but I am overweight. Am i going to try to look slim, yes! My friend, who is a male, may not have a job. Is he going to lie, yes! You sum it up quite nicely when you say people do lie in real life and also on dating websites, but the question is how big is this lie(s)?! If that girl from your example LOOK NOTHING like the girl from the picture, then it would be a problem-but i would give her a chance. Hell, I may flat out even ask her, "What's your deal with the pictures?"
This makes absolutely no sense. Please read what I wrote.
I'm not asking about what you wrote. I'm posing a question for you. The woman I met entered 37 on her profile. That's why it showed up in my search results. But when I clicked on it, the very first line of her profile admitted that she was 40. So because she employed a little deception to show up in my search results, that automatically makes her a liar? It would be one thing if she continued chatting with me and went on several dates without ever telling me her true age. But she didn't do that. Instead, she came clean before I even contacted her. Yes, it's a lie if you say you're 37 when you're 40. But in the grand scheme, this hardly seems like a big deal, especially since the person immediately admitted their true age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Hah! As it happens, I actually work daily with three-year olds, and witness all kinds of behavioral reinforcement.
So. Are you privy to what goes on with my nephew? Were you there to witness how I and his parents confronted him about his lie?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
The fact is, no matter the age, reinforced behavior tends toward repetition. If you tolerate lying, you'll get lied to by the person you tolerate it from.
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I don't understand why anyone would try to argue it was okay to lie unless they had nothing to do but sit around and argue with people on the internet. Or you yourself have a profile full of half truths and are trying to excuse yourself.
No, my profile is 100% accurate, even when it comes to things that might work against me like my height or my not wanting kids. This is not about excusing people who lie or saying that it's OK to lie. It's about the people who sit on their high horse and get upset over lies that aren't that big a deal. Lying about being married? Yes, that's a big deal. Lying about enjoying jazz or opera when you're not that huge of a fan? Not exactly the type of thing to get upset over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4DM1N
For one, I interpreted the bold/underlined section as such.
And do you mind telling us what you've lied about in the past?
In other words, you misinterpreted what I wrote. As for lies I've told, here are a couple:
No officer, I didn't realize I was driving that fast.
Yes honey, your new hair color looks good.
No mom, I didn't give my vegetables to the dog.
As for dating, I've never lied about my age, height, weight, etc. But when other people lie to me about theirs, I take into account how big of a lie it is, how long they kept the truth from me, and why they chose to lie.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pdizo916
You sum it up quite nicely when you say people do lie in real life and also on dating websites, but the question is how big is this lie(s)?! If that girl from your example LOOK NOTHING like the girl from the picture, then it would be a problem-but i would give her a chance. Hell, I may flat out even ask her, "What's your deal with the pictures?"
And this is the point I've been making all along. People want to make this a black-and-white issue. Oh you lied? Forget it. I want nothing more to do with you. But I've learned not to make a big deal out of lies that are pretty minor.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I'm not asking about what you wrote. I'm posing a question for you. The woman I met entered 37 on her profile. That's why it showed up in my search results. But when I clicked on it, the very first line of her profile admitted that she was 40. So because she employed a little deception to show up in my search results, that automatically makes her a liar? It would be one thing if she continued chatting with me and went on several dates without ever telling me her true age. But she didn't do that. Instead, she came clean before I even contacted her. Yes, it's a lie if you say you're 37 when you're 40. But in the grand scheme, this hardly seems like a big deal, especially since the person immediately admitted their true age.
I immediately back click at the first sight of such dishonesty. Not a big lie, no doubt, but there is no reason for it and it is manipulative.
I'm not asking about what you wrote. I'm posing a question for you. The woman I met entered 37 on her profile. That's why it showed up in my search results. But when I clicked on it, the very first line of her profile admitted that she was 40. So because she employed a little deception to show up in my search results, that automatically makes her a liar? It would be one thing if she continued chatting with me and went on several dates without ever telling me her true age. But she didn't do that. Instead, she came clean before I even contacted her. Yes, it's a lie if you say you're 37 when you're 40. But in the grand scheme, this hardly seems like a big deal, especially since the person immediately admitted their true age.
I understand what you mean in this instance. She doesn't go around lying about her age, but she wanted to make herself available to people online who used a more narrow parameter. 39 to 40 is only a year difference, and if you're willing to date someone up to age 39, you might be missing out on a terrific person because of that arbitrary cut-off. I'd bet if you had met her in person and hit it off, you likely wouldn't have dismissed her for being 40 and not falling within a defined age range.
Quote:
But I've learned not to make a big deal out of lies that are pretty minor.
This part is wholly subjective. It's great if it works for you, and it's okay if other people take issue with any lie, no matter what the reason. To each their own.
I immediately back click at the first sight of such dishonesty. Not a big lie, no doubt, but there is no reason for it and it is manipulative.
I used to have that reaction as well. I'd stop reading and one occasion I even reported the person. But maybe as I've gotten older, I've learned to get less worked up over it. Yes, the person lied. Yes, you were tricked into viewing a profile you might not otherwise have looked at. But people are mislead in real life too. A woman might dress in a way that makes her look thinner or makes her breasts look bigger. She might wear makeup that makes her look younger. I don't begrudge people for using a little trickery, AS LONG as it's not something really outrageous. Saying you're 37 when you're really 40 is not a big lie. Posting a picture of yourself from 10 or 20 years ago. Yes, that's a big lie.
I understand what you mean in this instance. She doesn't go around lying about her age, but she wanted to make herself available to people online who used a more narrow parameter. 39 to 40 is only a year difference, and if you're willing to date someone up to age 39, you might be missing out on a terrific person because of that arbitrary cut-off. I'd bet if you had met her in person and hit it off, you likely wouldn't have dismissed her for being 40 and not falling within a defined age range.
Which is exactly what I realized when I did finally meet her.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
