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Old 08-15-2014, 09:52 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,704 posts, read 1,825,685 times
Reputation: 4826

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If you want a serious relationship leading to marriage, I would look beyond the chemistry and "comfort" you feel around him and look closely at his character and values. A few things to think about:

* Do you admire and respect him?
* Do want to be more like this person? Do you want to have a child with this person? Would you want your child to turn out like him?
* Does he believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
* How does he treat people he doesn't have to be nice to? Does he do volunteer work or give to charity?
* Is he responsible? Can you depend on this person to do what he says he's going to do?
* Does he like himself? Is he emotionally stable?
* Do you share similar life goals?
* How does he express anger and handle conflict?

My advice is to go slow and keep your eyes wide open.
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Old 08-16-2014, 01:17 AM
 
28 posts, read 28,745 times
Reputation: 31
Thank you all for the replies. You all have valid points. I just got home (we went on the town with friends tonight) and I am not exactly sober right now, so forgive me for any typos. To answer a few of your questions, he's a great guy. He's so kind and giving and considerate. He always makes me feel appreciated and WANTED. Yeah, we don't have much in common but he's teaching me about so many things and vice versa. He was an outcast in high school-as was I-so he has a hard time believing his worth. It breaks my heart that he doesn't see in him what I do. I'm a person that is known to hold grudges but the two fights/arguments we've had since we started dating always ended in us smiling and joking. I can't stay made with him.

As for beliefs/views, he's ready to settle down which has been the complete opposite of me. I've never want to get married. I'm not even sure if I want kids later on down the line, but he does. There's also the fact that I have trust issues and am a self-professed commitment-phobe. If a guy so much as suggests we become "a couple" I feel the urge to run-or at the very least grab a paper bag because I'm getting ready to hyperventilate. He knows about my issues and he knows the reasons why and he's still here, still patiently waiting and going as slowly as I need him to.

Tonight he told me that he knew I thought I was this horrible person that was going to eventually break his heart because of my trust/commitment issues but he was willing to take the risk. He told me that "I want to be your husband or your fiance or your common law spouse. I don't care what you want to call me as long as it's just me and you at the end" and I believe him. I haven't felt this way about a man in over four years and I just really really want to make this work. Yeah, I still fill the urge to run but it seems like more times than not that I am running TOWARDS him, not AWAY from him. I don't trust my emotions and I don't know what to do. It's just...I had to cut out pieces of myself to get to the point where I could wake up and function in the morning. And for the first time, I feel like they're starting to grow back. He's helping them grow back.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Again, thank you all for the advice. I'm going into this relationship with eyes wide open thanks to your feedback. I don't know where or how it's going to end. All I know is I'm not ready to give him up.
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Old 08-16-2014, 01:35 AM
 
28 posts, read 28,745 times
Reputation: 31
ETA: Sorry about the double post. I guess I screwed up when I tried to edit the first one.

Also, I am aware that people often say things they don't mean when they aren't sober. I told him to "Tell me this again tomorrow when you're not drunk and we'll see what happens." He said he would, that he knew I was something extraordinary when we spent 7+ hours straight talking the first night we "met" and that he knew I was skeptical but that he'd prove himself worthy of me.

Last edited by YourNameHere24; 08-16-2014 at 02:52 AM..
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:50 PM
 
15,864 posts, read 6,944,867 times
Reputation: 8520
Quote:
I'm reminded that one of the only things we have in common is how much we adore each other.
is he a good man? is he kind to animals, children, help staff? then you are golden. if he held your hand the first time you met and it felt like your hands were made to be held by him, go with that feeling.

education is not necessarily intellect. and it has nothing to do with love and harmony.
what are your interests? share them with him and he may learn to like them as well. not all of it but may be some of it and you many have to do the others on your own.

PS: run a background check just so you know.
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Old 08-24-2014, 05:54 PM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by YourNameHere24 View Post
SEE! That right there is a problem I also have. I am a big worrier and and planner. I've talked to him about my worries but he's very laidback and chill about it. He's always telling to "live in the moment" but it's damn near impossible for me. I'm trying my very best but then he'll ask me if I saw "insert-obscure-sci-fi-movie" and I'm reminded that one of the only things we have in common is how much we adore each other.
I am fairly certain we are dating the exact same guy.
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Old 08-24-2014, 07:58 PM
 
Location: FL
1,400 posts, read 1,572,387 times
Reputation: 2016
He's very conservative but smokes pot? Smh
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Old 08-24-2014, 08:03 PM
 
1,505 posts, read 1,806,601 times
Reputation: 2748
You have gotten some good advice. It is still early in the relationship. Time will tell.
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Old 08-24-2014, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,763 posts, read 52,769,580 times
Reputation: 25362
I'm thinking no Scott.
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Old 08-25-2014, 04:27 AM
 
28 posts, read 28,745 times
Reputation: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by bannedontherun View Post
He's very conservative but smokes pot? Smh
IKR? The conservative stoner. It sounds like a freaking oxymoron.

Anyway. It's been 9 days since my last post and since others have decided to comment on my thread, I figured I'd give a little update. I don't know if the pot-smoking is something I'll be able to get past. I do know he has no intention of stopping, since most of his friends and some of his immediate family members smoke pot as well. As for the other stuff? We're trying to get into each others interests. I watched a geeky TV show marathon with him and he's letting me teach him how to dance (as I love dancing & would prefer if he didn't just stand against the wall when we're out and about). As for him being careless with his money & lack of exercise? He said he'll try and I already see that he is. Time will tell. Yeah, we rushed into this relationship. Yeah, we introduced sexual intimacy into this relationship when we're still very much strangers. But he's introduced me to his friends and family and I've done the same. We're serious about each other and we're serious about trying to make this relationship work. Neither of us is willing to throw in the towel yet. And hell, if it doesn't work? If it turns out the cons of "us" far outweigh the pros? At least we can say we gave it our best try, right? All I know is that despite the bs that we're both bringing to the table, we're happy. That's good enough for me right now.
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