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Your kids are too young to deal with a divorce, but they are old enough to deal with a depressed, alcoholic mother with self esteem issues? It's a pitty that you actually believe you are doing something to help your kids when the opposite is true.
I was thinking this too.
Move on till she gets better...if, she gets better.
That's really hard.... I agree that it might benefit you to continue counseling on your own.
If she has cheated on you and is really creating a negative atmosphere with her substance abuse and emotional problems, then those effects really may be worse on children than divorce. That is not simply two people "falling out of love" or "arguing a lot" or whatever reasons people come up with to divorce that seem like they could put more effort into solving, but these are pretty serious problems that cannot be solved if she doesn't want to address them.
I think it's great to want to keep a family together & to fight to save it, but there comes a point where it may be healthier to divorce.
Don't become involved with anyone else until you are 100% single again and have given yourself ample time to heal. That's for the benefit of your kids too. If you decide to stay in the marriage, then you have to do so with integrity, because kids are going to see through sham marriages anyway, and now they've lost out on having even one respectable parent.
I appreciate all the opinions. As someone else pointed out, I know that if we do divorce, odds are very high that she, the mom, would get the kids. And as unhappy as I may be now, not having my kids and worrying about their safety is a whole deeper level of unhappiness.
The kids have no idea anything is wrong (I know, I know, kids are smart, etc etc.). We don't fight, don't yell at each other, are friendly to one another (unless we're in the middle of a conflict, in which case we are at least cordial in front of the kids), etc. My wife's drinking is somewhat under control. She's not a daily drinker and has only had one slip in the last 6 months. Is it more damaging for the kids to be in this situation than to go through a divorce? I don't think so. If that changes, then I'd take the next step.
Absolutely 100% of my focus right now is on the kids and what is best for them. If divorce were best for them, I would be doing that, trust me.
Believe it or not, in my experience this is not always true.
Yes, life with a dysfunctional parent can very hard on kids. But kids are remarkably clueless to the nuances of the human condition. The destruction of the family unit is something that is VERY hard for a child to process.
If the kids are under age 5, I would say divorce. If they are older, stay together and deal.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 08-22-2014 at 09:44 PM..
Reason: typo
My divorce will be final next week (here's hoping!).
Like you, I felt very alone and lonely throughout most of my 22-year marriage. Neither of us have/had substance abuse issues, but the problems we did have were, ultimately, insurmountable. I stuck it out for a few reasons, the primary one, of course, being my 3 kids.
No, I didn't have any extra-marital relationships (though I was very tempted to). I just hung on as best I could, but I knew I would someday leave.
My having to tolerate my husband's treatment was one thing. But when I saw how that was affecting my kids (my husband's behavior AND my consequent unhappiness) - and had been for years - then I knew it was time to get out. I know my kids will find it a relief to no longer have to live with so much tension.
I appreciate all the opinions. As someone else pointed out, I know that if we do divorce, odds are very high that she, the mom, would get the kids. And as unhappy as I may be now, not having my kids and worrying about their safety is a whole deeper level of unhappiness.
The kids have no idea anything is wrong (I know, I know, kids are smart, etc etc.). We don't fight, don't yell at each other, are friendly to one another (unless we're in the middle of a conflict, in which case we are at least cordial in front of the kids), etc. My wife's drinking is somewhat under control. She's not a daily drinker and has only had one slip in the last 6 months. Is it more damaging for the kids to be in this situation than to go through a divorce? I don't think so. If that changes, then I'd take the next step.
Absolutely 100% of my focus right now is on the kids and what is best for them. If divorce were best for them, I would be doing that, trust me.
They absolutely know everything that is going on and you are kidding yourself if you believe that they don't.
As much as you want to deny this fact it won't change the truth that the children are being affected every moment you and your wife think you are being cordial or putting up a good front when the children are present.
However, it is your life, they are your children and it is your choice to believe as you wish so carry on.
As far as custody goes that can go either way however, if you and your wife have a written agreement regarding custody or you can prove she is drinking, doing drugs, staying out late and having affairs things could go very differently in court as far as custody goes.
Believe it or not, in my experience this is not always true.
Yes, life with a dysfunctional parent can very hard on kids. But kids are remarkably clueless to the nuances of the human condition. The destruction of the family unit is something that is VERY hard for a child to process.
If the kids are under age 5, I would say divorce. If they are older, stay together and deal.
At that age I was wishing my parents would get away from each other or he would die already.
Don't think age has anything to do with how children are affected and children can and do "process" everything that goes on around them quite well.
They may not be able to properly verbalize their feelings on a adult level but they are processing every tiny detail and they will never forget every one of those tiny details.
Believe it or not, in my experience this is not always true.
Yes, life with a dysfunctional parent can very hard on kids. But kids are remarkably clueless to the nuances of the human condition. The destruction of the family unit is something that is VERY hard for a child to process.
If the kids are under age 5, I would say divorce. If they are older, stay together and deal.
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