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so here goes, my bro lives in Chicago and I met this girl online (on a marriage oriented website) who happens to live in Chicago. Since I was going to meet my bro I asked if she wanted to meetup to which she said yes. I normally don't do long distance but I thought since I visit my bro on and off it *may* work so it was worth giving a shot.
Long story short, we met up.. that wen't fine. This was 3 months ago and we're still in touch and talk perhaps once in 7-10 days or so but each time I talk to her I can chat with her about various things for 2-3 hrs. easy. We have really good and interesting conversation and I know that she is giving me hints on a romantic possibility. Neither of us has made any talk of anything other than general non-romantic talk however during our last conversation a couple days ago she started asking more probing questions about how I felt about her etc. which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I feel a really good connection with her in all other ways besides physically. My attraction to her is very lukewarm, somehow I am not feeling it.
So, if I continue chatting with her is it considered leading someone on even though she talks to me in generalities about "finding her soulmate someday"... obviously she understands that I am not that person or it has not reached that stage so there should not be any expectation correct?
What is the protocol here? I have always thought that unless two people explicitly talk about establishing a relationship and commitment to each other nothing can be assumed, implied or expected. Agree or not?
Unless you're making promises that you're not going to keep I wouldn't worry about it. There's no real way to tell how things go once you start dating anyways. I'm always worried about the soulmate types. The concept that out of 7 billion people on the planet that you'd actually meet a single person that is only for you when the person is actually single and actually able to speak your language is so infinitesimally small that anyone who talks about the concept is usually not too bright.
For example, you could tell her, 'I really like our friendship, but part of me feels guilty because I worry that maybe you want more and I am leading you on.'
Then she will tell you if it's a problem or not.
Good friends are a treasure! Don't distance yourself just because you are worried over something that may be no problem.
You met her on a "marriage oriented website." So it's safe to guess that she's not looking for a friend, but a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage.
She is spending a lot of time talking to you because she likes you, and is hinting at the possibility of finding a soulmate in you. She is trying to open up the discussion to the subject of any possibility of a relationship between you. It sound like she wants more from you.
I'm not sure why you think it's obvious to her that you could not be her potential soulmate. If the two of you get on so well over the phone, maybe she sees potential and wants to investigate that.
However, since you are certain you are not attracted to her romantically, you are wasting her time. Let her know you are not interested because of the distance, or give her a reason that will not hurt her feelings. Stop leading her on.
If you know that there is no future with her and she is asking you how you feel about her, it's time to make it clear to her that you don't see it going anywhere but you value her as a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by k374
What is the protocol here? I have always thought that unless two people explicitly talk about establishing a relationship and commitment to each other nothing can be assumed, implied or expected. Agree or not?
That's a cop out. You are devoting a lot of time and intimate conversation to this woman, it's entirely possible you are leading her on whether that is your intention or not.
For example, you could tell her, 'I really like our friendship, but part of me feels guilty because I worry that maybe you want more and I am leading you on.'
Then she will tell you if it's a problem or not.
Good friends are a treasure! Don't distance yourself just because you are worried over something that may be no problem.
best advice you can get. in the end if you dont feel a long term romantic relationship here, dont force it.
I agree. It sounds like you're leading her on. She wouldn't have been on that website if she was uninterested in finding a serious relationship. If she's hinted that she's interested in you, you need to be honest with her. Just tell her that you consider her a friend but have no interest in dating her. Right now she probably thinks that you're also looking for something serious and are interested in her since you're spending so much time talking to her.
Let her know how you feel so that she can move on to a man who may be her soulmate.
she can already do that as we are not in a relationship. That is what I am saying. She is free to date anyone unless she has assumed on her own accord that this is a relationship which would be downright absurd. We have met only once and I have even told her that meeting again this year may not be a possibility. She may already know that and perhaps I am coming to the wrong conclusions but I just wanted to see if some people automatically assume a relationship is in progress even though most of the signs of a normal relationship are totally absent - romantic speak, talk about the future etc.
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