Why do you have the dating requirements? (Asian, long distance, marrying)

[wolf39us]

I've lots of standards / requirements.

No smoking / No Children (ever) / No Obnoxious Tattoos / Can't weigh more than me / "Ghetto" chicks are disqualified / I have race preferences as well

Pretty much the above are the major points

I see nothing wrong with having preferences / standards (whatever you want to call them). People should be able to have their preferences and pick the ones they really like... that's the point isn't it? :-)

[plmbpmp]

I don't really have any stringent requirements. I've just started dating in the last year since my domestic restructuring 5 years ago. The three women that I have dated pretty much have nothing in common. Short, tall, chubby, skinny. Smoker, non smoker.

For me it is the intangible. Something that just clicks when you see or meet someone for the first time.

Oh, and looking good in yoga pants is a bonus..

[YaFace]

If you have a "giant list" of nitpicky requirements, and you haven't had a meaningful date in years, time to reevaluate yourself, or cut down that effing list. Esp if you are into your late 30s/40s or have kids.

[LittleFishBigPond]

I don't really have requirements, although being so young I've never been one to actively search for a romantic partner. However, not having requirements is not to be confused with not having standards... I do require respect and honesty from anyone pursuing me. A long laundry list of requirements just seems a bit silly and restrictive to me, I find its more fun to try to take people as they are and learn to love it, and if you can't, simply walk away, as apposed to chasing this ideal of the perfect mate we've constructed in our minds. Who knows, the same person you disqualified because they didn't meet your height, weight, income, or no kid requirement could wind up being your perfect match but you'd never know unless you give them a shot. But again I must stress, I'm not saying don't have standards (for those who will chime in with extremes such as "oh so I should give the homeless guy on the street a chance?") just don't let your laundry list of requirements box you into dating the same cookie cutter guys, and then asking yourself why you keep meeting the same jerks and making the same mistakes.

[vfr800-cr250]

They say hindsight is 20/20, so here's a take from the rearview mirror.

The first time I got married I really had no requirements other than that she had to be reasonably good looking. So I married a woman with long blonde hair and an amazing body. It was a disaster. I was locking her out of the house and she was cheating after less than 2 years of marriage.

So I applied a fairly minimal set of requirements to filter potential partners after that point. I wasn't interested in a barfly (a few drinks here and there was fine, but not a drinker), no smokers, I wasn't interested in anyone that had used drugs even recreationally. Having her own set of friends and identity was fine, but I had no interest in someone that thought every Saturday had to be "girl's night out" until 3am. She had to want kids at some point, had to be a reader and reasonably intelligent and so on.

I've now been married to my 2nd wife for 13 years (my first wife has since been married and divorced again and is now living with a guy that drinks hard). While I can't say the requirements worked out perfectly (people change over time), I can say that having some standards paired me with someone that I have a strong enough relationship with that we've survived even when things didn't work out exactly as planned.

My advice to anyone that says that they don't have any requirements or just a couple based on looks....you need to sit down and put together a list of a few things that are important to you. Your future self that didn't lose 1/2 of everything in the divorce will thank you for it.

[MrRational]

There's nothing wrong with having expectations or holding out for them.

The problems show up when the seekers expectations of another aren't in balance
with what that seeker might bring to a relationship. iow: parity is required.
Be honest with yourself. Brutally honest.

[Raena77]

Everyone has some kind of preference and an idea of an ideal mate in their head.

Has to have a job-
Likes kids-
Not controling-
No narisstic tendencies-
Clean-
No druggie-
No cheater-
Can't be more feminine than me-
Likes to take vacation trips-
Intelligence helps-
Sense of humor-
No roid pumper-
Has goals-
Likes dogs and cats-
Is not taco man-

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks

Well, for me there are only 3 major requirements. They follow Hinduism, are vegetarian teetotalers, and have the same native language as me.

That's all I expect from the woman I marry. It has been an expectation from everyone in my caste.

Will your marriage be arranged?

[Adi from the Brunswicks]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

Will your marriage be arranged?

If I find someone who meets the requirements listed, my parents wont mind a love marriage .

I was good friends for 1 year with a hot girl in my high school in India with the qualities above and wanted to start building a true relationship after turning 18, but had to let go quite abruptly on moving here for college and much better job prospects.

You will NOT BELIEVE how many girls I resist approaching due to non compliance of these 3 very basic conditions. But that's expected since this is a different country with cultural differences varying like night and day.

[ohio_peasant]

Originally Posted by kat949

Case in point- whether or not we have expectations, having requirements or no requirements is all about what works for us individually. There are no right or wrongs.

Well-phrased!

Originally Posted by kat949

A part of what I think why people say to hush up on one's requisites is the social conditioning of "settling" and not being virtuous about being true to oneself. Seems kinda oppressive, actually, to listen to others, and not oneself.

I would opine the reverse; namely, modern social conditioning enjoins us to NOT settle regardless of the cost; that it's better to be alone than with a suboptimal partner. From everywhere we hear the chorus: one should listen to one's intuition and act accordingly, and any mechanical shunting aside of "gut feelings" is disingenuous and to be strictly avoided.

Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate

... I was in church, and a guy sat next to me. My mother asked later if he said anything to me, or if he was just sitting there. I said he didn't say a word, or spare a glance. I asked why, and she stated because she and his mother were talking about us going out.

I couldn't have been more offended, and I am still upset...

Again I would respectfully opine in the reverse. VanillaChocolate, is there any way that we could switch mothers?

If I were a church-goer, I'd attempt to maximally leverage the social advantages of church into mating advantages. I'd inform the priest/minister that I'm looking. If there is a subgroup for the older ladies in the congregation, I'd try to convey to them a statement of interest, with the intent that they might fix me up with one of their daughters. I might even affix an advertisement on the church bulletin board.

Originally Posted by vfr800-cr250

My advice to anyone that says that they don't have any requirements or just a couple based on looks....you need to sit down and put together a list of a few things that are important to you. Your future self that didn't lose 1/2 of everything in the divorce will thank you for it.

A divorce need not mean losing 1/2. Speaking from experience, divorce is a harrowing setback in life, but there are worse things than divorce.

Finding the "perfect" partner does not preclude the possibility of divorce. A haphazard set of criteria and benighted courtship does not imply the likelihood of divorce.