My time has come, Better Days! (Canada, love, kids, couple)
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Oh YES! One must have coffee to start their day! I appreciate your kind words in your post! I know you work in the medical profession, but like to write. My sweetie works in education, but she likes to write also. You might as well aspire to be an author. Not just for the potential money you might earn, but to share things with the world. Who knows? A hundred years from now, quotes from your books might be used in many places. I just have a great deal of respect for people who like to create. And, I really enjoy reading. So, just keep writing, and I do encourage you to think about submitting a few things for publication. Right now though, it's really early, and I encourage you to enjoy some good coffee. And, I hope you can have a good day, at peace with as much of life as you can!
And I am doing that this very minute, friend.... A book... yes... a book....
It is time now for me to go to the store, mkaing sure that I remember coffee... putting it at the top of my mental list here...
It has been a very good weekend here where I am, the kids have been wonderful, so have I.
A whole lot of chillin going on here... so, I am now going to grab my MP3 and take a short walk, and head off to the store to go grocery shopping, where the MP3 player is essential... to ward off all the crazies!
It is the middle of the night, and I cannot sleep, so here I am. I tried to get into cd and it would not let me in, someone had already tried to get in unsuccessfully 5 times, so when I tried, it sent me for a 15 minute time out.
I thought this had stopped, but I suppose it hasn't...
I have been up probably since about 130, and I just cannot sleep, although my eyes are getting a little sleepy.
The moon tonight was so very beautiful. Not quite full, but very large in the sky. Not allowing the huge sky to swallow it up, it shined so brightly, as I got home from the store, stars in the sky so prevelant.
I stood outside there for a few minutes, taking in the warm night air, feeling free. Free as a bird in the sky.
I was standing outside of chimes, and feeling free. That is the best feeling in the world for me, ever.
I am not that other girl any more. I am me. I am the woman I was always intended to be. Standing out there tonight, I felt that so strongly. My journey slows, although it is not still. I still walk the path. I still see the trees as I walk by them, their greatness, as they reach for the sky. The air touches my skin, and I am alive.
I felt so good this summer on my freedom walk. I think back, and the air was humid, it was summer. It felt good to be alive again. When was I ever alive before, though?
Before this past summer, I was just her. I journeyed, walking that lone path, it is what I had to do. He walked with me the whole while, but it was for me to walk alone. I walk along.
My path is straight now, it does not go round and round. I look ahead. Everything is new, and it is wonderful. I look into the horizen and it greets me with open arms. Come to me, it says, and I do. Onward I go, never to look back. Never to journey round and round til I finally find the hidden exit in the trees.
No, my path is for the most part, a straight one. There were many twists and turns, hurdles. Now just tiny little bumps, and a sway here and there.
Ahead lies my future, and it is nothing but greatness for me. For my children. We walk along.
What will I do, how will I live? What if I can't make it? I will die if I have to go back. What if I am never loved again? How could anyone ever love me? I am no one, I am nothing. No one will ever love me. I am not worthy of it. I have to do it, there is nothing else for me to do. I cannot live this way anymore. He cannot kill me inside like this anymore. He will not. This must end. I am awake now. I walk.
Slowly, all of those thoughts, little by little, one by one start to disappear from my mind, from my mindset.
I can do this. I have to. There is no other way. I can make it. I will make it. He cannot stop me. I will never go back. Will I ever be loved?
Slowly then, the thoughts changed. I walked along. One day, the colors of the trees and sky burst into a rainbow of colors, as though my life was in black and white, and all of a sudden I gained a new sight. I gained color in my life. The trees were green now. Dew dripping from their every leaf.
The sky is beautiful, the clouds lovely. No longer did I want to just float to wherever that river may take me. I wanted to run along side it, with it. Like a child playing alongside the river, racing a sailboat going down the way.
I wanted to run, because I was free... almost. I wanted to be like the man on the track who was running, while I was at only a swift walk. As he ran before me, I could see every single muscle made out beneath his shirt, it soaked with sweat. His hair laying against his head, wet.
The muscles in his legs working with all their might, outlined with each move he made. I watched him run, and I thought to myself, one day that will be me, and I will run, I will be as free as a bird, and I will run.
After that, as I walked the track dragonflies appeared before me, all around me. It was the most amazing thing. It has all been written, it has all been said.
I could not escape them, I did not want to. Their beautiful wings buzzing around me... I felt like they wanted to pick me up, make me fly. They knew my dream, my dream of freedom flying. Their colors so vivid, purple and turquoise. I did not want them to leave me, they were like a safe haven wrapped around me. Like an angels wing wrapping around my body keeping me safe.
I continued around that freedom track, not yet knowing it was the freedom track, and they stayed with me for a good long time, finally dispersing every which way, tears falling from my eyes.
It was like a small miracle and I walked in the middle of it. So many emotions flying by, such a good feeling.
Who ever knew in the beginning it would be the freedom track? All I knew at first is that I had to walk. I had to, because if I didn't.... I don't know what. It was what I knew I had to do, so I did it. I couldn't not do it.
The plain black asphalt surrounded by trees, the river, and a golf course became my life, it became my being. Soon, it was not just an asphalt track. It was my everything, it was my want, my need.
I woke up at five in the morning and not long after, I had to be there. Quietly tip toeing around the house as not to wake anyone. As certainly not to wake him, but sometimes he was already up.
In the summer heat, I walked that track. It felt good. I felt alive, and I felt free.
Will I ever be loved again was the only question I was left with. For a while, once all of the other questions were answered, this one went away. It was no longer a worry, because I was a free person now. He could not hold me down, he could not hold me back anymore. I was alive.
I am alive. The question no longer lives with me, it has not for what seems a very long time. How could I not be loved? The question has shifted. I do not worry. I have no fear. I walk a long, full speed ahead, I do stop every once in a while. I stop to breathe in life. I breathe in this life, my life. I dont want to pass it by, so my pace has now slowed.
If I walk to fast, life will pass me by. I look around me. I am happy. My life is as it should be.
My journey is not complete, but one day, some day, it will be. I will be complete. I will be whole. One day, this world will come to me, be my oasis. One day it will be exactly as it should, not this day, but one day.
It feels close. But not yet. My walk will always take me to where I need to be, never faltering..... the path is set, but I am not the one who knows it. There is only one who does. And He walks it with me, all knowing. All glorified. I walk along, but never do I walk alone. Not ever.
He walks beside me, not infront of me or behind me. He used to carry me, then He had to hold my hand. Now He walks beside me, but if ever I am in need, He is right there. If ever that hand needs to be held again, and it has. Some days, I had to hold Him tight. On the days that I did not think I would make it. He grabbed me and held me tight. You can do this. Yes I can.
Some days this road is rough. I have woken up somedays not knowing if I could do it. Not knowing what I will do. But it has always worked out, one way or another. Just as in the first post of Where is the Love, I turn it over to the Lord. When I do this, everything turns out ok. When I don't, my life becomes a bit of an upset. Sometimes I try to be the only one. I try to take it all on. It is those times, the times that I do not turn it over... those are the times when I feel like life is faltering.
Those are the times when human pride is getting in the way, and I allow myself misery. Why? I have not a clue. I cannot change that now. But I have learned from it. It will be ok. All I have to do is turn it over, but I suppose sometimes, the tears must flow, as they may. They make there way down my cheeks, dripping onto my clothes. What will I do?
These times for me, a learning experience. So, then I walk. I walk, and I bring in His greatness, I breathe it in, and I know that it is in His hands, that I must allow it to be, and it always was, but I am given this choice. Sometimes, taking the wrong one, watching and waiting. Realizing.
How many years did I do that? Try and make it right? On my own. I can be better. If I am better, everything will be ok. If I am only better, it will be ok. For many years I tried to be better. One day there was the sun, shining through the clods upon my being. Look. Look at your life. It does not have to be this way. Your heart is empty of love, your soul void.
I never knew that, not ever. I thought always that there was something wrong with me. I was not good enough, I had to be better, it was all my fault.
Things shifted for me. Life shifted. I was good enough, I could not get better, this was me. I walked in circles trying to be better for him. But he never tried. Why should he?
I walk along, I am free, awake and alive. I would not change it for anything. Not for the world, and one day, I will be the complete person I am suppsoed to be. One day. I smile as I type.
Last edited by Pikantari; 02-18-2008 at 01:21 AM..
Now it is my true morning, and the rain has been falling. When I got back into bed, it sounded like just a trickle, but soon, it fell down like oceans.
It still does, and I can still hear it. I love the sound of the rain, I love the way it makes me feel.
Good Morning. I have not even thought of coffee yet, I did not want to get out of the warmth and comfort of my bed... thirty more minutes, I thought to myslef, and reset my clock. Laying there listening to the rain, enchanting.
The rain makes me want for more.
This date marks one year since I have been coing here to this place on a very daily basis. Seems like yesterday, seems like forever.
Join Date: 02-18-2007
PostsTotal Posts: 4,693 (12.88 posts per day)
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This member's posts were read 651,291 times since Feb 9, 2007.
I came here because I was going to move. We were going to move. I came to relationships because I could not move. Now I can feel the coffee...
I could not move with him. I could not leave to another state with that man, knowing I would be alone, with no family, no support system, no job, no nothing.
I would be even more of no one there than I was here, and I knew it. I finally realized it, and knew it. That was a good thing for me. That was one of my first steps, oh but even before, I felt it. I knew it. I was just not so afraid anymore.
I knew how I felt, and I had the courage to speak it. And I tried from that point on. I did not just not try with my marriage. I had been trying for forever, it seemed. I tried, but it was too late. Then not long after, is when the unthinkable happened. What he still feels was ok to have done.
Yes, I still carry it, because it happened, it just does not hurt like it did, but it will always be there. Maybe one day it will be just a faint little thing in the back of my mind, just a feeling of something. It has not been a year yet, since that happened. On July 21 will mark a year.
ah Robyn, I would have loved to share some of that with you. I had plain Folgers Simply Smooth this morning. Was up earlier than usual in order to take my Chocolate Lab to the vet for surgury. SIgh. the waiting is killing me before I can call to check on him. Hope you are having a wonderful President's Day. The sun is shining, a light breeze is blowing, it is a crisp 48 but a beautiful day.
It is the middle of the night, and I cannot sleep, so here I am. I tried to get into cd and it would not let me in, someone had already tried to get in unsuccessfully 5 times, so when I tried, it sent me for a 15 minute time out.
I thought this had stopped, but I suppose it hasn't...
I have been up probably since about 130, and I just cannot sleep, although my eyes are getting a little sleepy.
The moon tonight was so very beautiful. Not quite full, but very large in the sky. Not allowing the huge sky to swallow it up, it shined so brightly, as I got home from the store, stars in the sky so prevelant.
I stood outside there for a few minutes, taking in the warm night air, feeling free. Free as a bird in the sky.
I was standing outside of chimes, and feeling free. That is the best feeling in the world for me, ever.
I am not that other girl any more. I am me. I am the woman I was always intended to be. Standing out there tonight, I felt that so strongly. My journey slows, although it is not still. I still walk the path. I still see the trees as I walk by them, their greatness, as they reach for the sky. The air touches my skin, and I am alive.
I felt so good this summer on my freedom walk. I think back, and the air was humid, it was summer. It felt good to be alive again. When was I ever alive before, though?
Before this past summer, I was just her. I journeyed, walking that lone path, it is what I had to do. He walked with me the whole while, but it was for me to walk alone. I walk along.
My path is straight now, it does not go round and round. I look ahead. Everything is new, and it is wonderful. I look into the horizen and it greets me with open arms. Come to me, it says, and I do. Onward I go, never to look back. Never to journey round and round til I finally find the hidden exit in the trees.
No, my path is for the most part, a straight one. There were many twists and turns, hurdles. Now just tiny little bumps, and a sway here and there.
Ahead lies my future, and it is nothing but greatness for me. For my children. We walk along.
What will I do, how will I live? What if I can't make it? I will die if I have to go back. What if I am never loved again? How could anyone ever love me? I am no one, I am nothing. No one will ever love me. I am not worthy of it. I have to do it, there is nothing else for me to do. I cannot live this way anymore. He cannot kill me inside like this anymore. He will not. This must end. I am awake now. I walk.
Slowly, all of those thoughts, little by little, one by one start to disappear from my mind, from my mindset.
I can do this. I have to. There is no other way. I can make it. I will make it. He cannot stop me. I will never go back. Will I ever be loved?
Slowly then, the thoughts changed. I walked along. One day, the colors of the trees and sky burst into a rainbow of colors, as though my life was in black and white, and all of a sudden I gained a new sight. I gained color in my life. The trees were green now. Dew dripping from their every leaf.
The sky is beautiful, the clouds lovely. No longer did I want to just float to wherever that river may take me. I wanted to run along side it, with it. Like a child playing alongside the river, racing a sailboat going down the way.
I wanted to run, because I was free... almost. I wanted to be like the man on the track who was running, while I was at only a swift walk. As he ran before me, I could see every single muscle made out beneath his shirt, it soaked with sweat. His hair laying against his head, wet.
The muscles in his legs working with all their might, outlined with each move he made. I watched him run, and I thought to myself, one day that will be me, and I will run, I will be as free as a bird, and I will run.
After that, as I walked the track dragonflies appeared before me, all around me. It was the most amazing thing. It has all been written, it has all been said.
I could not escape them, I did not want to. Their beautiful wings buzzing around me... I felt like they wanted to pick me up, make me fly. They knew my dream, my dream of freedom flying. Their colors so vivid, purple and turquoise. I did not want them to leave me, they were like a safe haven wrapped around me. Like an angels wing wrapping around my body keeping me safe.
I continued around that freedom track, not yet knowing it was the freedom track, and they stayed with me for a good long time, finally dispersing every which way, tears falling from my eyes.
It was like a small miracle and I walked in the middle of it. So many emotions flying by, such a good feeling.
Who ever knew in the beginning it would be the freedom track? All I knew at first is that I had to walk. I had to, because if I didn't.... I don't know what. It was what I knew I had to do, so I did it. I couldn't not do it.
The plain black asphalt surrounded by trees, the river, and a golf course became my life, it became my being. Soon, it was not just an asphalt track. It was my everything, it was my want, my need.
I woke up at five in the morning and not long after, I had to be there. Quietly tip toeing around the house as not to wake anyone. As certainly not to wake him, but sometimes he was already up.
In the summer heat, I walked that track. It felt good. I felt alive, and I felt free.
Will I ever be loved again was the only question I was left with. For a while, once all of the other questions were answered, this one went away. It was no longer a worry, because I was a free person now. He could not hold me down, he could not hold me back anymore. I was alive.
I am alive. The question no longer lives with me, it has not for what seems a very long time. How could I not be loved? The question has shifted. I do not worry. I have no fear. I walk a long, full speed ahead, I do stop every once in a while. I stop to breathe in life. I breathe in this life, my life. I dont want to pass it by, so my pace has now slowed.
If I walk to fast, life will pass me by. I look around me. I am happy. My life is as it should be.
My journey is not complete, but one day, some day, it will be. I will be complete. I will be whole. One day, this world will come to me, be my oasis. One day it will be exactly as it should, not this day, but one day.
It feels close. But not yet. My walk will always take me to where I need to be, never faltering..... the path is set, but I am not the one who knows it. There is only one who does. And He walks it with me, all knowing. All glorified. I walk along, but never do I walk alone. Not ever.
He walks beside me, not infront of me or behind me. He used to carry me, then He had to hold my hand. Now He walks beside me, but if ever I am in need, He is right there. If ever that hand needs to be held again, and it has. Some days, I had to hold Him tight. On the days that I did not think I would make it. He grabbed me and held me tight. You can do this. Yes I can.
Some days this road is rough. I have woken up somedays not knowing if I could do it. Not knowing what I will do. But it has always worked out, one way or another. Just as in the first post of Where is the Love, I turn it over to the Lord. When I do this, everything turns out ok. When I don't, my life becomes a bit of an upset. Sometimes I try to be the only one. I try to take it all on. It is those times, the times that I do not turn it over... those are the times when I feel like life is faltering.
Those are the times when human pride is getting in the way, and I allow myself misery. Why? I have not a clue. I cannot change that now. But I have learned from it. It will be ok. All I have to do is turn it over, but I suppose sometimes, the tears must flow, as they may. They make there way down my cheeks, dripping onto my clothes. What will I do?
These times for me, a learning experience. So, then I walk. I walk, and I bring in His greatness, I breathe it in, and I know that it is in His hands, that I must allow it to be, and it always was, but I am given this choice. Sometimes, taking the wrong one, watching and waiting. Realizing.
How many years did I do that? Try and make it right? On my own. I can be better. If I am better, everything will be ok. If I am only better, it will be ok. For many years I tried to be better. One day there was the sun, shining through the clods upon my being. Look. Look at your life. It does not have to be this way. Your heart is empty of love, your soul void.
I never knew that, not ever. I thought always that there was something wrong with me. I was not good enough, I had to be better, it was all my fault.
Things shifted for me. Life shifted. I was good enough, I could not get better, this was me. I walked in circles trying to be better for him. But he never tried. Why should he?
I walk along, I am free, awake and alive. I would not change it for anything. Not for the world, and one day, I will be the complete person I am suppsoed to be. One day. I smile as I type.
Beautiful writing, as always Robyn. I can never read long posts, but yours are different.
Today has been a very nice day. the weather was perfect, the moon bright and beautiful.. The wind wonderful as I walk down the lane. And then there is tomorrow.
And now it is tomorrow. Today is tomorrow... I wake up 30 minutes late on this morning. It's ok. The sleep seems to have helped the kids... always a good thing.
I sit here in my robe, with my coffee infront of me. I cannot not go outside. I cannot not look at that sky that is out there for me to behold. The air is cold out there. So much different than yesterday.
I step onto the porch of Chimes, and the swing invites me, no not now. No time now, maybe later, I think to myself. Maybe later.
I stand on the porch in the cool morning air and it feels like night. The sky is a dark midnight blue, I feel like the sun should be about ready to rise, but instead the sky is a beautiful midnight blue, a bit lighter where I know the sunrise will come to mingle with that dark sky.
Just as I could not not go outside to meet and behold this beauty, I could not just stand on the porch, not to see all there is there to offer.
I am in my robe and my slippers as I walk down the front steps now, of Chimes, of this wonderful, wonderful house of chimes. I walk down those stairs and step onto the sidewalk that comes up the middle of my front yard, from the sidewalk that goes infront of the yard.
I stand in the middle, like a crossroad and tilt back my head, the cool air hitting my neck and chest, my legs. I look into the sky, my mind reaching as far as it may. Pure beauty, pure delight to see those stars shining down at me on this cool morning.
They are so bright that it is as if someone has strategically placed them there and they are not even real. This is how the moon was last night as well. There is one star out there, shining so bright down at me, twinkling. This is my story, this is my song.
That is my star. That is his star. Where is the Love is gone. I do not search for his love anymore, I do not ask if I will ever be loved anymore, I don't have to, because that star shines upon me, just like it is mine, just like I could reach up and grab it, take it, and it is mine.
With a star like that shining on me like that, twinkling, as if to wink its eye at me, there is love out there for me. Today? I dont know. Tomorrow? Maybe so... in my life, one day? Yes, of course, for how could there not be?
Good Morning, if you read.... good morning.
Last edited by Pikantari; 02-19-2008 at 04:44 AM..
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