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"Wait and see what happens" or "good luck!" = not a good plan and it lacks any understanding of underlying social dynamics. Anyway, I asked for advice from women not "bros". Women know and understand that this situation is not simple and has its intricacies. I would ask again that "bros" please stay out of this thread.
if you are talking to me ,, I am not bros any way. And worrying about something did not or may never gonna happen is not my culture either. So hope you got your answer.
I've been in this situation...wayyy back in high school. I didn't KNOW that my friend was into this guy that we were hanging out with. And he and I totally hit it off. She got so angry with me and with him, as if I could READ her mind! But, thats high school for you.
As an adult I'm sure you'd have a different perspective.
I'm not so sure. Judging from many responses here - some adult women behave just like your friend in HS.
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You would know how uncomfortable it would be to have a person you cared about be angry with you, to have a friendship get trashed. Its unnecessary drama.
Why not just avoid the problem by being friendly and a friend without leaping to the conclusion that you have already gone to?
Why not make a boundary about it for yourself and avoid drama and bs.
If you guys hang out together, have a good time, and enjoy each others' company, all the better. It doesn't have to go in the direction of hurting others...try to avoid that!
Hmm... don't you believe in love? And falling in love? What if her friend is.. drumroll............. THE ONE?
Doesn't matter? We should just skip that? So someone can keep their so-called pride? That pride is the most important thing that takes priority over everything else?
This is a bad situation because women stick by their friends. If the girl you like knows how much her friend likes you (and I'm sure she does), she will shoot you down - especially if you hang out with them at the same time.
I would NOT plan to hang out with the girl you don't like and only consider a friend while she is with her friend you do like - bad plan.
Be upfront with the girl you only see as a friend. Say something like, "hey I really enjoy our friendship and wouldn't ever want to hurt you, so I need to ask if you are hoping it will be more than that because I'm not feeling it ever will be".
If she is honest back and tells you she was hoping for more just gently apologize and explain you don't see her that way.
More than likely she'll deny hoping for more in an effort to keep her pride intact and when/if she does, then you can say I'm so glad to hear you say that because I was really hoping to ask your friend out, can you give me her number?
What I was thinking!..
You need to be upfront with this chica.
110%. If she's a true friend, she will understand.
You wanted opinions from females. I gave mine and I am female.
And I am not a young spring chicken anymore, but when it comes to humans and emotions, we are all still about 15 deep down inside.
I can tell you that it hurts to have unrequited attraction/love. Whether or not you think it shouldn't hurt, it just does. If she continues to hang out with you then she must, at least on some level, hope your feelings may change someday. It's only human. And yes, it is her responsibility to manage her expectations.
I'm telling you it will be hurtful to her if she has you meet her friend and you decide you want to date the friend. It sounds like you're already expecting this to happen, based on what you've written so far. And you are expecting the friend will feel mutual attraction to you too, I take it?
It's not about your freedom to do what you want, which is not even debatable, because of course it's a free country and you can date whoever you want if they are of legal age. But you're the one who put this out there, asking for feedback, which means you are conscious of the pitfalls that lay ahead should you pursue this path.
Your friend will be hurt. She just will. How she chooses to handle that hurt is ultimately up to her. You could lose the friendship; it is one possibility. Or she could just get more distant and create better boundaries for herself, that too is a possibility. She might decide it's no big deal in the end, or she might decide to end dealing with you and her other friend if you do get involved. Either way, in any of the scenarios, she will at least feel hurt, I can guarantee that much.
It's understandable because in effect you would be telling her "You do not measure up, as far as I am concerned. I find your friend more appealing than you." You would be rubbing this rejection in her face if you pursue her friend right in front of her.
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Originally Posted by vistas
Why does it have to be that way?.
Because she's a woman,...a human being. That's how people are.
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Originally Posted by vistas
She can't have me for "more" no matter what. Why not let me be with her friend?
You know that she likes you, and I'll bet her friend probably knows too. If you pursue her friend, she will feel rejected, humiliated, and betrayed. She will not want to be around you because you rejected her. She will not want to be around her friend because she will feel humiliated. She will feel that you both betrayed her. You would have betrayed her by going after her friend, and her friend would have betrayed her by accepting you.
You would have both broken her trust.
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Originally Posted by vistas
Her pride is so important? Wouldn't a REAL friend let me?
REAL friends have REAL feelings. You can rest assured that your friend will be very hurt. If you are truly her friend, her feelings should be important to you.
Friendships are precious things that need care and nurturing. Don't think that you can treat a "friend" hurtfully and without consideration, and expect everything to be just fine.
It's up to you to decide whether it's worth it to destroy a friendship over a date or two that will probably lead to nothing.
You wanted opinions from females. I gave mine and I am female.
And I am not a young spring chicken anymore, but when it comes to humans and emotions, we are all still about 15 deep down inside.
I can tell you that it hurts to have unrequited attraction/love. Whether or not you think it shouldn't hurt, it just does. If she continues to hang out with you then she must, at least on some level, hope your feelings may change someday. It's only human. And yes, it is her responsibility to manage her expectations.
I'm telling you it will be hurtful to her if she has you meet her friend and you decide you want to date the friend. It sounds like you're already expecting this to happen, based on what you've written so far. And you are expecting the friend will feel mutual attraction to you too, I take it?
It's not about your freedom to do what you want, which is not even debatable, because of course it's a free country and you can date whoever you want if they are of legal age. But you're the one who put this out there, asking for feedback, which means you are conscious of the pitfalls that lay ahead should you pursue this path.
Your friend will be hurt. She just will. How she chooses to handle that hurt is ultimately up to her. You could lose the friendship; it is one possibility. Or she could just get more distant and create better boundaries for herself, that too is a possibility. She might decide it's no big deal in the end, or she might decide to end dealing with you and her other friend if you do get involved. Either way, in any of the scenarios, she will at least feel hurt, I can guarantee that much.
OK, are you saying that if a woman wants more from a man she will only remain friends with him only for as long as there's any hope of her getting more? Are you saying that a woman with unrequited romantic feelings is unable to be just friends with the guy? Due to hurt/pride? You might have a point. I had another girl "defriend" me after I made it clear (again) we're only friends. Pretty sure it's because she couldn't handle it. Somehow women expect guys to be able to handle it when they say "let's just be friends", right? But they can't handle it themselves?
I'm not so sure. Judging from many responses here - some adult women behave just like your friend in HS.
Well, yes, imagine that...people that act immaturely and without logic...hmmm what IS the world coming to???
Hmm... don't you believe in love? And falling in love? What if her friend is.. drumroll............. THE ONE?
DO I beleive in love? Me? What I beleive is that love takes a lot of work after your "hot flash" over the person you are attracted to fades a few hours or days later.
I believe that love is about the person who will care for you even when you deserve it the least, or they do and you still love them, and someone who forgives you even with you really mess up, someone who will help you when you need it, and who will accept help from you too.
Thats not the kind of thing that happens when you JUST meet someone and hope that you can get in their pants later.
Thats the kind of thing that develops over months and years. If you want to go ahead and throw the possibility of REAL LOVE out the window, then by all means, do whatever it takes to get into the pants of, and discard with happy abandon the thought that they might have been 'THE ONE'.
Doesn't matter? We should just skip that? So someone can keep their so-called pride? That pride is the most important thing that takes priority over everything else?
Are you speaking to me? What does this really have to do with what I said? Let me re word it then...if you REALLY like someone you can TAKE THE TIME to get to KNOW them, value your relationships for what they are NOW, not treat them like they are commodities that bring something to you to satisfy your immediate needs and desires.
But, wait, I'm really responding to your post in a way it doesn't deserve. You were after all, joking about the seriousness or lack of it.
So, here is a reply that fits your post better...
"You've got a good point. Why should he care about what the first girl who is his friend thinks...whats REALLY important is that he get laid."
OK, are you saying that if a woman wants more from a man she will only remain friends with him only for as long as there's any hope of her getting more? Are you saying that a woman with unrequited romantic feelings is unable to be just friends with the guy? Due to hurt/pride? You might have a point. I had another girl "defriend" me after I made it clear (again) we're only friends. Pretty sure it's because she couldn't handle it. Somehow women expect guys to be able to handle it when they say "let's just be friends", right? But they can't handle it themselves?
This isn't about "women" and what "women" want or what "women" will do. This is about your friend and her feelings and what your friend might do. Everyone has told you she will feel hurt; and that part is predictable. How she handles that hurt will determine what she decides to do in terms of keeping your friendship intact, or creating some space for awhile, or end it. No one here can guess at that part because we don't know her.
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But they can't handle it themselves?
