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As my title stats I ignored all the early warning signs in my relationship before getting married, and now I feel stuck and like there is no way out of this mess. The only reason I am putting all of this on here instead of talking to a friend or family member, is because they dont know the situation, and would not understand how bad it is.
So I am a female who married another female on the Fourth of July of this year. I would like for her to move out of our apartment but she does not seem to get it. I guess a back story is necessary.
When I meet her I was coming out of a bad relationship. She did not seem to have to much going on in her life, and really no care in the world (FIRST WARNING SIGN). Early on in our relationship I suspected that she was using meth, she denied it of course, and continued to say that if I did not believe her then drug test her.I wanted to believe her, but a big part of me didnt, plus I could not afford a drug test. I had moved out of my previous home and left it to my ex so I could be with her. We started staying in hotels while I looked for a new apartment. The cost of the hotels were to much and with my income that is not to bad I could not keep up with the cost and I still had my car payment, storage payment, ect. She only worked occasionally at a friends bar, which did not bring in to much income (SECOND WARNING SIGN). And the times we did not have money and I was stressing about where we were going to stay she still did not seem to have a care in the world.
I ended up renting an apartment with my daughter and my granddaughter, who splits the rent with me. My daughter buys the food and I pay the bills. Her behavior was still concerning, but she still denied it was due to drug use. She would then sleep most of the day, not making any attempt to assist with keeping the house clean (THIRD WARNING SIGN). The holidays for me and my children have always been a big thing, especially Christmas. My children where pretty horrified Christmas morning while watching her open her gifts with the most somber expression on her face, which really hurt my feelings because I had made every effort to make the day as special for her as I did for my kids and grand kids.
So, January of this year she had to go to jail on charges from 3 years ago. During this time, I still supported her financially, went to visit her 3 times a week which was not easy because of my work schedule. While she was in jail, she asked me to marry her. Yes, I repeat while she was in jail she asked me to marry her. And my pathetic ass said yes. We agreed on the fourth of July, but it was her that wanted a real wedding. Because she felt like going to the court house made it feel more like a contract. So I agreed and started planning. In total our wedding cost me $4500, with most of the guest not showing up. THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
The ceremony took place and everything was fine. We had the ceremony and the reception in a friends back yard, and everyone was instructed to not go in to the pool until most of the guest left. So she gets in the pool with my granddaughter, and my 7 year old nephew tells the home owner this. The homeowner comes and says that is fine that he could go swimming to. Well my wife of only 1 hour started calling my 7 year old nephew a "rat *****," and she kept saying it to him no matter how much I told her he was a child and not to speak to him like that. She took of her ring and threw it, hitting my daughter in the stomach. An hour later my adult son, who is a non confrontational person of hears her telling me that she wished she never married me, and calling me a lot of other different names, so he got in to her face. When it came time to cut the cake that my sister got us as a wedding gift (she had to save up to be able to do this) my wife went and tried cutting the cake with the side of her hand, which caused my sister to cry. My wives friends that were there agreed to get her out of there to prevent any further issues. So in all I spent 3 hours with my new wife on the day of our wedding, but still after that day blames everyone else for what happened (FOURTH WARNING SIGN).
Needless to say I am not happy, and no matter how much I try to talk to her she just does not get it. She is currently working with a guy that is supposed to be paying her $10 an hour and she works maybe 6-7 hours a day. But the amount of money that she brings home does not add up to what she is working. Which still leaves me responsible for most of the bills. I try to talk to her about getting a regular job that she we will receive an actual paycheck for, but feels I am calling her a loser when I bring it up. The guy that she works for seems to pay her when he feels like it or remembers to.
She does not like to do anything except for go to the bar, which never turns out good for us because we always leave arguing. When I express interest in doing other things she never wants to, so I either have to go alone or find someone else to do things with me. She constantly walks around the house looking mad at the world, making everyone else feel like they have to walk on egg shells around her. To the point where my daughter would rather stay at her boyfriends then be in her own house.
I have expressed my unhappiness to her numerous times, even letting her know that we should end this because it is obvious that we are both unhappy. It is only then that she acts like she cares, or even wants me. But of course it is only when it is to her benefit. When I call her to say hi while I am at work, she acts like I am bothering her. I know that she has had a lot of crazy things happen to her in her life, but I have never meet someone that hates life so much or is so unhappy or so unwilling to put any effort to making their life better, and I am the complete opposite. I cannot do this anymore, but I cannot get her to leave either. She has only helped pay bills maybe a total of two months since we have been together. But tells me that she cannot even go and buy herself new clothes because the money that she does make now she gives it all to me. I bought her something for Christmas and she found out what it was and yesterday told me I was stupid for buying it for her since I know she needs new clothes.
I dont know what to do. When we have a discussion and I tell her I dont want to be with her anymore she acts like I have said nothing and wants to be nice, but then it just goes back to being a horrible situation. I dont think that she has anywhere else to go, and sadly I think that is the only reason why she is with me.
I am lost right now and know if I have to do everything on my own then on my own I should be, but she is refusing to allow that to happen.
I know this is all so pathetic on my part that it has gotten to this point, but I really thought that I could show her a better life and she would want it for herself and try and go after it. but I have just made it easier for her to do nothing all the while I feel like ****.
Learn to love yourself and try to make better choices in the future.
I'll add to your excellent post...
3. Find a therapist ASAP and get to the bottom of whatever issue it is that allowed you to ignore all the red flags surrounding a meth using mentally unstable person and marry them anyway .
There were warning signs all over the place but you only punctuated a few with big capital letters. Are these the cases where the warning sign was so big, it had a physical manifestation over her head in red neon lettering?
When I meet her I was coming out of a bad relationship.
... I had moved out of my previous home and left it to my ex so I could be with her.
This is why people need to take time to heal between relationships.
I'm not saying this to beat you up, because the rest of your post screams that you need to divorce her and I hope you find it in yourself to put the blinders on and just do what you have to do. But she ignored some pretty big red flags of yours, which were that you weren't even completely disentangled from your last partner and you were rebounding.
You know you made a huge mistake so now you have to look at the practicalities. Whose name is the lease under or who owns the house? That's the first step in the unpleasant process of getting someone out of your house. If she's not on the lease then you need to give her notice, have her stuff removed after said notice and change the locks. If she's on the lease then you'll have to move out. None of this will be pretty but it is what it is and it has to be done.
Thank you everyone! I dont think I have low self esteem, but I do think that she caught me at a time when I was vulnerable. The crazy part is I enjoy being by myself, and now that my daughter is ready to move out on her own I look forward to it even more.
Her name is not on the lease nor does she own anything in the house, everything I already had when I meet her. She just will not leave.
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
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Originally Posted by THANKGOODNESSIMFABULOUS
Her name is not on the lease nor does she own anything in the house, everything I already had when I meet her. She just will not leave.
This is no excuse whatsoever. Call the police if you have to, but whatever you do get this cancer out of your life before it drags you down with it. Please take control of your own life if for nothing else for the wellbeing of your family. This is not just about you.
This is no excuse whatsoever. Call the police if you have to, but whatever you do get this cancer out of your life before it drags you down with it. Please take control of your own life if for nothing else for the wellbeing of your family. This is not just about you.
Robert, you can't just call the police on someone who is your spouse and is living in a residence, whether she's on the lease or not. If she gets violent or you come home and find her doing drugs in the livingroom, that's one thing. But you can't have the police come and evict your spouse just because you don't like her anymore, nor can you just throw everything out on the curb. It doesn't work that way. OP needs to use due process. In my state, it takes 90 days to evict someone.
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