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I feel bad that you're having to make choices in your life that's influenced by how your ex perceives you and your situation.
Almost seems as though if you do bring your BF along, and if the people there make a scene about it, it's really about them and their thrive for drama.
I love how small-minded people can be, especially at a wedding where people need to be congratulatory towards groom+bride, and not all worked up like it's a Thanksgiving meal.
I'd go if I were you because you've been looking forward to the wedding for a while. But, if you decide not to, for all intensive purposes, that still creates waves. And people will talk.
People will talk no matter what. Damn if you do, damn if you don't. Either way you're damned just cus your ex is resentful... which I can understand how he may feel rejected too, but he needs to be happy for you, instead of being petty. I'd probably break the ice with him by introducing him to the BF and talk openly.. should he decide to attend. Communicate, no matter what be friendly and cordial. I've been in the BF's shoes before, and I sorta wished I never attended. Hostile atmosphere. (You'll get ppl who will sit there and gossip like the village villains ).
Wow this got a lot of traction. Sorry for the late reply on it, was in meetings all day! Thanks for all the responses.
Particularly because it's a vacation with a wedding, I would like to go with MF. That being said, ultimately MF and I need to have a talk about whether he even wants to attend given all this and the best course of action for that. Personally, I think it's ridiculous that this is even a conversation and feel that I should be able to bring my bf as my plus one, which I was given, to my close friend's wedding. But like I said in the beginning, I also don't want to do something that would potentially make the day difficult for them, and therein lies the complication.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100
How do the friends feel about it? It is their wedding, and they want you there. It seems a shame for you to miss it because of changes in your personal life.
Are you worried ex might cause a scene, blemishing their happy event? Or are you more worried about ruining ex's good time?
Have you considered taking MF with you on the trip, but having him skip the wedding?
Truthfully, I highly doubt that he'd cause a scene. I think I know him well enough to know he wouldn't stoop to that level. It would be extremely awkward for all parties, including the couple, which concerns me as I don't want anything about there day to be about me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bellakin123
Petunia makes a good suggestion too. He can still go on the vacation but skip the wedding. My most important concern would be the couple. If you feel there is without a doubt a chance that your ex may create a scene, just don't bring your bf to the wedding. It's only one day
Leaning towards this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin
It's been nearly a year since the actual divorce if I'm reading this right.
I do agree that she shouldn't take the BF, but her ex is stupid to think she wouldn't be dating now.
Yes, by then it will have been slightly over a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
I would just go, with my plus one.
It's a wedding, it's not going to be about you, even if you tried really hard to make it about you. Trust me that anything going on with you WILL NOT overshadow the day. Attention will be on the couple and the special event, not speculating on a past divorce, etc. These things happen at weddings, we had several formerly married couples at ours, including my MIL and FIL, both of whom had prominent roles, obvs. In fact, BOTH my FIL's ex-wives were in attendance.
Your ex might not particularly enjoy you being there with your date, but you know what? It's not HIS day, either. You're divorced, I'm taking at face value your assertion that this person didn't end your marriage (even if your ex has been implying that he did). He needs to settle down. The wedding's in January...he has some time to get used to the idea that you won't be there alone. If he truly can't get past it, maybe HE needs to beg off attending. The onus is not on you to assure that somebody you used to be married to is comfortable attending an event you'll be at with a date.
Edit:
For perspective, I DID actually get cheated on. My ex and I don't have mutual friends where we'd both be in a position where we'd be involved in the wedding party, so this would never happen, but if it did, honestly, I wouldn't expect that my ex would leave the woman he cheated on me with at home (I believe they are, in fact, married, now, as am I). I would probably just opt not to go, myself, rather than expect that somebody I'm no longer involved with would be spending a lot of time considering my feelings on whether or not he brought a date. In fact, I GUARANTEE that I would decline to be involved if asked to participate in a wedding where my ex also had a prominent role. But we did not end well or amicably, and it would be horribly uncomfortable, no matter what. From your OP, you imply that your breakup was a smooth one.
Thanks for your perspective. It was a really good way to look at it, and we are far off. I obviously need to talk more to MF about how he feels about being there in light of all this too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
I feel bad that you're having to make choices in your life that's influenced by how your ex perceives you and your situation.
Almost seems as though if you do bring your BF along, and if the people there make a scene about it, it's really about them and their thrive for drama.
I love how small-minded people can be, especially at a wedding where people need to be congratulatory towards groom+bride, and not all worked up like it's a Thanksgiving meal.
I'd go if I were you because you've been looking forward to the wedding for a while. But, if you decide not to, for all intensive purposes, that still creates waves. And people will talk.
People will talk no matter what. Damn if you do, damn if you don't. Either way you're damned just cus your ex is resentful... which I can understand how he may feel rejected too, but he needs to be happy for you, instead of being petty. I'd probably break the ice with him by introducing him to the BF and talk openly.. should he decide to attend. Communicate, no matter what be friendly and cordial. I've been in the BF's shoes before, and I sorta wished I never attended. Hostile atmosphere. (You'll get ppl who will sit there and gossip like the village villains ).
Thanks for this, very helpful. I do realize that this is getting ridiculous and honestly feel like it's high school drama all over again. When I decided to move ahead with my relationship with MF, I knew the potential shock waves that would follow, and now they're here. As you said, people will talk regardless.
Ultimately I decided to talk to my best friend, lay it out to them that in the end the day is about them and that's what I care about in the end. They know both of us and know his reaction and what happened the day he found out. I don't care to know details, but will defer to their judgement on what they think the best course of action is.
I say go to the wedding AND take your MF. Enjoy the foreign travel and each other's company.
If there's any drama, it'll be your XDH that causes it. Don't let him continue to negatively influence your life.
Yeah, go ahead and discuss with your friends your intention to bring your MF with you to the wedding. (he is kinda, sorta a friend of theirs now too, right? He's been invited, right? Why can't he have a chance to enjoy the day just because your XDH may pitch a fit?) If your friends expect your XDH to cause trouble and they want to avoid the possibility of drama and ask you to not bring your MF, I guess you'll have to comply. How about this.............have your friends tell your XDH you plan to bring your MF and your XDH needs to behave himself at the wedding.
And what about the future? How many more situations will you allow your XDH to influence your life? You did divorce him for a reason, right? Divorce = "get rid of". How many times later in your life will you regret not taking your MF to this wedding or regret additional times you let your XDH change your mind about something that is important to you?
Your decision to attend the wedding should be based on, in descending order of importance: 1. your friends, 2. you, 3. your MF. Gee, who's missing? XDH doesn't make the cut. Boo hoo for him. Hooray for you!
This is exactly what I think and I was so surprised that the rest of the posts here advocate for leaving MF at home. So your ex is hurt...so what? You are divorced and free to spend time with whomever you choose. If your friends didn't want you to bring MF, they would not have included a +1 in the invitation. What is the problem here?? If XDH has a tough time with it, that's his problem...not yours.
This leads to my dilemma… they are some of my closest friends, I introduced them, and I have a large part in the wedding.
Go by yourself. Do not even think of not going because your little boyfriend can't go. If you have a large part in this wedding, you must be there.
Do not take the boyfriend with you. It will become about you and the interloper, which is what he will be seen as, and possibly could get ugly.
If he is a sane adult, he will understand that this situation is not the point at which you should be introducing him to any circle of your friends. It's a wedding, not a block party, and this event should be about the bride & groom.
The OP was invited to bring a plus-one by people who know her boyfriend. That doesn't = your date is an "interloper."
If it were to "get ugly," that would be on the ex, 100%. And, really who does that? Especially since the wedding, as you point out, is about the bride and the groom, not somebody throwing a fit over somebody else's date.
I had an emotional affair with MF and I have no clue why my XDH does not accept him as a plus one to our mutual close friend's wedding, because I am the good guy in all of this bc I did not do anything physical with MF until after the ink on the divorce was dry! Of course I want to bring MF to this wedding to upset XDH further!
Now, lady, if your husband accused you of having an affair with this guy - I would NOT say that it was an amicable run of the mill divorce. Maybe on your end, but on his end whether you were physically with MF before the demise of your marriage or not, he views it as such and that is hurtful. I don't think he needs to man up, but rather you need to realize that on his end it may not have been the sunny rosy divorce that you saw.
It'd be a different story if it was not MF. But it is! It's not going with a plus one - it is going to a wedding your XDH is at while attending with a man he suspected you cheated on him with. Different levels there!
The OP was invited to bring a plus-one by people who know her boyfriend. That doesn't = your date is an "interloper."
If it were to "get ugly," that would be on the ex, 100%. And, really who does that? Especially since the wedding, as you point out, is about the bride and the groom, not somebody throwing a fit over somebody else's date.
Usually, I agree with you, but not this time!
He is not an "interloper", but to me - it sounds like these friends may not know XDH thought OP was cheating with MF during their marriage.
The OP was invited to bring a plus-one by people who know her boyfriend. That doesn't = your date is an "interloper."
If it were to "get ugly," that would be on the ex, 100%. And, really who does that? Especially since the wedding, as you point out, is about the bride and the groom, not somebody throwing a fit over somebody else's date.
I think she meant "interloper" as in the OP's marriage. He's not an unrelated 3rd party.
I've seen things go ugly at a wedding. The bride's sister and another guest were literally throwing fists at each other.
Someone I know went to their ex husband's grandmother's funeral. Their divorce was U-G-L-Y. She went to show her respects to the family and an arguement ensued outside of the funeral home. Her ex saw her outside as she arrived and got in her face.
Sometimes you just never know what's gonna happen. If the OP feels that the ex might cause a scene, maybe it's best that the new guy doesn't go considering the history between the OP, the friend and the ex.
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).
But like I said in the beginning, I also don't want to do something that would potentially make the day difficult for them, and therein lies the complication. 
