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The OP was invited to bring a plus-one by people who know her boyfriend. That doesn't = your date is an "interloper."
If it were to "get ugly," that would be on the ex, 100%. And, really who does that? Especially since the wedding, as you point out, is about the bride and the groom, not somebody throwing a fit over somebody else's date.
She was having an emotional affair with MF. She got divorced and now she is together with him, I think for a couple months, if I read it right.
Sure, she was invited with a plus one, but then the friends realized who it was - and told her ex-husband. The reason I say he will be considered an interloper is because those friends, and the ex, all probably think she was screwing him while she was married. Despite that it didn't happen, it won't matter to them, they are all thinking it.
So if she brings this guy, this person who may or may not have caused the demise of the marriage, comes on this vacation with her, where she will be seeing all her old friends because she lived there, that it will come across as incredibly tacky.
I just think it's a matter of propriety and respect to her friends that she leave him out of this big event, since they obviously felt startled enough to hear she was bringing him, to feel they needed to tell her ex. It shouldn't be about who should be over it, or whatever. It should be all about the bride & groom and leave it at that.
Besides, I am sure there will be a multitude of events and parties surrounding the big day, so it's not like she will actually be doing any vacationing with her boyfriend over 3 days.
Go to the wedding with the new guy, see how smokin' hot your Ex's new woman is, get jealous, then watch the Ex tune up the dude* that destroyed his marriage because you were cheating on him.
Or, go to the wedding with the new guy and nobody will care one way or another!
Enjoy!
*in the parking lot or somewhere far from things as to not cause a scene and ruin the new couple's big day.
Your bf doesn't care. If it was me, the only thing I'd be upset about is missing the open bar. I'd probably go to a local bar instead and talk to people.
Taking the OP's post at face value (as I have no reason not to), the OP did not cheat with her current BF. If her ex believes that to be the case, isn't that on him?
Taking the OP's post at face value (as I have no reason not to), the OP did not cheat with her current BF. If her ex believes that to be the case, isn't that on him?
This all gets down to whether or not you believe that developing feelings for someone else while you were still married to be "cheating." Her words are, "There were admittedly feelings from the end of the prior year, though nothing physical happened until after everything was finished with XDH." In my scope of cheating, I do count developing feelings for someone else within that spectrum of an emotional affair because if you are getting close enough to develop feelings for someone else during your marriage, then you are being too intimate with this person who is not your husband and is not in your marriage.
So no - I don't think this is on him, but rather on her for feeling that this is not a weird scenario to put this other person in (when if the divorce was as amicable and friendly as she stated - then why would you want to do something that hurts this person? The divorce hasn't even been dry a year yet!) and for possibly putting time with MF above keeping peace at her friend's wedding.
Taking the OP's post at face value (as I have no reason not to), the OP did not cheat with her current BF. If her ex believes that to be the case, isn't that on him?
Sure, it's "on him" to get over it, but it shouldn't be flaunted in front of everyone at this wedding where everyone thinks they were having an affair. She will be seen as the bad guy no matter what. It doesn't matter where the truth lies, we all know that it's all in people's opinions and imaginations.
I think it very telling that her friends, the bride & groom, told the ex that her "plus one" is the guy he thinks cheated with his wife. To me, that says her friends are on his side, or at the very least, they agree that it is tacky of her to want to bring him.
If she were to show up with him, that will clinch it for everyone.
*shrugs* I couldn't care less; I just want to be invited. I'll bring the popcorn!
First of all, I said in the very first post that I realize I am the bad guy which is why I am putting this on myself to figure out. I do appreciate your help all around.
Trust me I have come to terms with the fact that ultimately I am the bad guy in this situation, I was in the wrong, and therefore I need to be the sensitive one. When I made the decision to move ahead with a relationship with MF, I realized this was the case, before or after the divorce. Perception is reality at the end of the day.
All that being said, it was an amicable divorce, there was no hard feelings. We spoke cordially and quite often until the papers had been signed and have never seen anything negative transpire aside from this situation. There were some arguments re: MF when we came to end of our relationship, but he was never placed within the center our divorce, nor was it brought up again after the legal separation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Sure, it's "on him" to get over it, but it shouldn't be flaunted in front of everyone at this wedding where everyone thinks they were having an affair. She will be seen as the bad guy no matter what. It doesn't matter where the truth lies, we all know that it's all in people's opinions and imaginations.
I think it very telling that her friends, the bride & groom, told the ex that her "plus one" is the guy he thinks cheated with his wife. To me, that says her friends are on his side, or at the very least, they agree that it is tacky of her to want to bring him.
If she were to show up with him, that will clinch it for everyone.
*shrugs* I couldn't care less; I just want to be invited. I'll bring the popcorn!
The bride and groom explicitly invited me with a plus and said we hope to see MF as well! They have met him before and all got along. I am unsure they even knew/ know my exes concerns/ suspicions regarding this, and if they do, have never acted that way towards me. From what I have seen so far from all our mutual friends, he hasn't told any of them these concerns.
That being said, I did reach back out to my friends to see if anything has changed based off the recent events (him being upset once he found out I was bringing MF). When they initially spoke to me, they said they just wanted to give me the head's up, nothing about not coming/ being invited anymore. I want to ensure I do right by them on what should be a day only about them.
The bride and groom explicitly invited me with a plus and said we hope to see MF as well! They have met him before and all got along. I am unsure they even knew/ know my exes concerns/ suspicions regarding this, and if they do, have never acted that way towards me. From what I have seen so far from all our mutual friends, he hasn't told any of them these concerns.
That being said, I did reach back out to my friends to see if anything has changed based off the recent events (him being upset once he found out I was bringing MF). When they initially spoke to me, they said they just wanted to give me the head's up, nothing about not coming/ being invited anymore. I want to ensure I do right by them on what should be a day only about them.
To me, the fact that your friends are on board with you bringing this particular date really trumps everything, particularly any feelings on the part of your ex. If they continue to be on board, I wouldn't sweat it.
Again, do you have any reason to believe your ex won't be over this by the time January rolls around, or that he'd be someone who would act inappropriately or make a scene at someone's wedding?
Ultimately I decided to talk to my best friend, lay it out to them that in the end the day is about them and that's what I care about in the end. They know both of us and know his reaction and what happened the day he found out. I don't care to know details, but will defer to their judgement on what they think the best course of action is.
Thanks everyone for all the advice!
Quote:
Originally Posted by lafemmeN
The bride and groom explicitly invited me with a plus and said we hope to see MF as well! They have met him before and all got along. I am unsure they even knew/ know my exes concerns/ suspicions regarding this, and if they do, have never acted that way towards me. From what I have seen so far from all our mutual friends, he hasn't told any of them these concerns.
That being said, I did reach back out to my friends to see if anything has changed based off the recent events (him being upset once he found out I was bringing MF). When they initially spoke to me, they said they just wanted to give me the head's up, nothing about not coming/ being invited anymore. I want to ensure I do right by them on what should be a day only about them.
I'm confused now. Upthread you mentioned that your friend knows about what happened and how your ex reacted when he found out about you and your MF. You said you didn't care to know the details, which to me, sounds like he threw a hissy fit. But your last comment sounds like you're saying that your friends know nothing about how your ex reacted.
Maybe I'm misreading?
Last edited by bellakin123; 09-23-2014 at 03:28 PM..
If you are asking a group of strangers it's probably best to leave him at home. If you bring him, there should be no uncertainty.
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