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This isn't a major thing or even a problem so much as a curiosity thing with me. Just something I want to know for the sake of knowing.
Every time I've had to define what kind of relationship I am looking for, I get into trouble with misunderstandings. I think I just don't know what it's called. When I say I want something casual men assume "casual sex" or stuff like this (from another poster)
Ugh! That's the first I heard of that being what casual dating is. But I don't think he's wrong (or the only man who thinks this). Mainly because when I tried OKCupid and put that in my profile, I got a lot of offers from men looking for a third for their girlfriends or wives. That's not what I want at all. I just want one man in my life.
When I talk about being friends with a guy, seeing him on average a couple of nights a week... eventually getting intimate but nothing too serious--not leading to anything. I get the "oh you want a FWB" label. That's not what I want either. FWB implies it's temporary and just going through the motions of a romantic relationship... just meeting a physical need until a real relationship comes along.
When I tried OLD on different sites, I said I was looking for a boyfriend. Then I get all kinds of really nice men... but all looking for marriage. I am not sure I want to go THAT serious (at least right away). They ask if I don't, then why am I looking for a boyfriend.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
So, what is it called? It's frustrating that I can't put a label on it that will easily explain what I am looking for.
Depends on your point-of-view.
On the one hand you're, obviously, afraid to make a a personal commitment; and, on the other hand, you're just plain, 'cornfused'.
Of course I wouldn't know anything about either psychological extreme. I've been married to exactly the same woman for the past 41 years. I fell, 'in love' with her the moment our eyes met; ain't never changed my mind since the very first day; I trust her implicitly; and (happily) she's my best friend.
Because if we weren't best friends AND lovers, quite honestly, I'd have left her decades ago! Oh, by the way, she lets me get away with, 'murder'. As long as I ignore other women she doesn't care what I do, where I go, how long I stay out, or whatever I buy and bring home.
Some of the stuff I've come home with has - even in my own eyes - been outrageous and, occasionally, really expensive, too: Like the time I came home with a Pit Bulldog; and, then, there was that really expensive tactical assault rifle and night-vision scope; but, no matter what, as long as none of them are, 'wearing skirts', she never seems to care. In years past I have bought new cars; and even our first house without her seeing them until AFTER I'd signed the paperwork. (How many husbands can do that!)
For instance, she likes to talk; fortunately, I'm a good listener and enjoy hearing what she has to say. In fact I'm listening to her, right now, as I input this text - She's such a happy (thoroughly predictable) person. All our friends just love her, too!
Sure, over the years, there've been occasions when some female has chased me; (A happily married man is ALWAYS a target - Right!) but, I know the true value of the woman I've got waiting for me at home. She's my best friend; and I make sure to stay out 'a trouble.
Someday, soon, I hope that you, too, find what (who) you're looking for.
Thanks everyone. I don't do online dating anymore, so I won't be putting anything in a profile.
You might want to reconsider that. I think online dating is perfect when you want something unusual (or when you are something unusual) for exactly that reason -- you can make the details clear upfront, and anyone you talk to is pre-screened to be down with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Delaware Davy
Depends on your point-of-view.
On the one hand you're, obviously, afraid to make a a personal commitment; and, on the other hand, you're just plain, 'cornfused'.
Of course I wouldn't know anything about either psychological extreme. I've been married to exactly the same woman for the past 41 years. I fell, 'in love' with her the moment our eyes met; ain't never changed my mind since the very first day; I trust her implicitly; and (happily) she's my best friend.
Because if we weren't best friends AND lovers, quite honestly, I'd have left her decades ago! Oh, by the way, she lets me get away with, 'murder'. As long as I ignore other women she doesn't care what I do, where I go, how long I stay out, or whatever I buy and bring home.
Some of the stuff I've come home with has - even in my own eyes - been outrageous and, occasionally, really expensive, too: Like the time I came home with a Pit Bulldog; and, then, there was that really expensive tactical assault rifle and night-vision scope; but, no matter what, as long as none of them are, 'wearing skirts', she never seems to care. In years past I have bought new cars; and even our first house without her seeing them until AFTER I'd signed the paperwork. (How many husbands can do that!)
For instance, she likes to talk; fortunately, I'm a good listener and enjoy hearing what she has to say. In fact I'm listening to her, right now, as I input this text - She's such a happy (thoroughly predictable) person. All our friends just love her, too!
Sure, over the years, there've been occasions when some female has chased me; (A happily married man is ALWAYS a target - Right!) but, I know the true value of the woman I've got waiting for me at home. She's my best friend; and I make sure to stay out 'a trouble.
Someday, soon, I hope that you, too, find what (who) you're looking for.
Of course I wouldn't know anything about either psychological extreme. I've been married to exactly the same woman for the past 41 years. I fell, 'in love' with her the moment our eyes met; ain't never changed my mind since the very first day; I trust her implicitly; and (happily) she's my best friend.
For instance, she likes to talk; fortunately, I'm a good listener and enjoy hearing what she has to say. In fact I'm listening to her, right now, as I input this text - She's such a happy (thoroughly predictable) person. All our friends just love her, too!
Sure, over the years, there've been occasions when some female has chased me; (A happily married man is ALWAYS a target - Right!) but, I know the true value of the woman I've got waiting for me at home. She's my best friend; and I make sure to stay out 'a trouble.
I really enjoyed this post, Delaware Davy. You and your wife are lucky to have each other.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,146,559 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
This isn't a major thing or even a problem so much as a curiosity thing with me. Just something I want to know for the sake of knowing.
Every time I've had to define what kind of relationship I am looking for, I get into trouble with misunderstandings. I think I just don't know what it's called. When I say I want something casual men assume "casual sex" or stuff like this (from another poster)
Ugh! That's the first I heard of that being what casual dating is. But I don't think he's wrong (or the only man who thinks this). Mainly because when I tried OKCupid and put that in my profile, I got a lot of offers from men looking for a third for their girlfriends or wives. That's not what I want at all. I just want one man in my life.
When I talk about being friends with a guy, seeing him on average a couple of nights a week... eventually getting intimate but nothing too serious--not leading to anything. I get the "oh you want a FWB" label. That's not what I want either. FWB implies it's temporary and just going through the motions of a romantic relationship... just meeting a physical need until a real relationship comes along.
When I tried OLD on different sites, I said I was looking for a boyfriend. Then I get all kinds of really nice men... but all looking for marriage. I am not sure I want to go THAT serious (at least right away). They ask if I don't, then why am I looking for a boyfriend.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
So, what is it called? It's frustrating that I can't put a label on it that will easily explain what I am looking for.
You got it right, its called a boyfriend. If people are rushing you thats not right. No better way to make a mistake than to jump right in without really looking. You want a comfortable relationship. No pressure - let nature take its course. Sounds perfect.
I am confused by what you say somewhat though. What you describe can only be called a committed relationship, yet you dont seem to want to get too close. You want your space, and dont want to live with them. That could lead to anyone interested either using you, or wasting their time depending on how they interpret it, and how quickly you bore of them.
What have you got against eventually living with someone? No one gets all the good times, while shutting the door on any bad times. To me, love is how well you handle someone who is not at their best. Anyone can enjoy someones company if they are always happy and agreeable. Love is sacrifice for the good of another.
If you have that in your profile somewhere you need to edit and clarify it so people can see where you are coming from. Dont start out displaying your anxieties over commitment. People will learn those as they get to know you, and deside if the rest of you is worth helping you get over those anxieties.
You dont lose yourself when you submit and commit to someone that truely loves you. You both meld together and create something totally new.
You got it right, its called a boyfriend. If people are rushing you thats not right. No better way to make a mistake than to jump right in without really looking. You want a comfortable relationship. No pressure - let nature take its course. Sounds perfect.
I am confused by what you say somewhat though. What you describe can only be called a committed relationship, yet you dont seem to want to get too close. You want your space, and dont want to live with them. That could lead to anyone interested either using you, or wasting their time depending on how they interpret it, and how quickly you bore of them.
What have you got against eventually living with someone? No one gets all the good times, while shutting the door on any bad times. To me, love is how well you handle someone who is not at their best. Anyone can enjoy someones company if they are always happy and agreeable. Love is sacrifice for the good of another.
If you have that in your profile somewhere you need to edit and clarify it so people can see where you are coming from. Dont start out displaying your anxieties over commitment. People will learn those as they get to know you, and deside if the rest of you is worth helping you get over those anxieties.
You dont lose yourself when you submit and commit to someone that truely loves you. You both meld together and create something totally new.
Best wishes! .
First off, thanks again everyone for the answers. I've started telling the "match making network" that I know that I am "looking." That's all I said... keeping it vague. KISS as they say (keep it simple stupid). At least to start. If I like the guy, then we can talk more in depth.
You are right in that I wanted a committed relationship... boyfriend (at least the way you and I think of it). And I am not against marriage, it's just not on the radar now. And I need to make this simpler (edit). Basically, in order for me to move in with a guy I'd need to sell my house (or he'd sell his... but mine is probably too small). To get to that level financially... chances are we'd be engaged. And since marriage isn't on the radar... neither is moving in with someone.
NOTE: I edited this to make it shorter and to get to the point.
Last edited by jillabean; 09-27-2014 at 09:18 PM..
<snip>
Baggage part: I am divorced and when I was married it was a full time job cooking, doing laundry, doing the yardwork and gardening, and cleaning up after someone else and this was on top of my full time job at the office. It was exhausting. I guess I am wary of some guy moving in for free maid service. Now I know a lot of men *do* have lifeskills like this... but most of the guys I date are divorced and had wives before. Were their wives like me and did it all? My fear (baggage) is I will get stuck with another do nothing around the house person.
<snip>
We're trainable - not easily trainable, but trainable nonetheless
We're trainable - not easily trainable, but trainable nonetheless
Ha, sorry. I decided my original post was too long and cut it to make it simpler. Plus, being worried about housework seemed silly after I saw it written out. Really, the big obstacle to moving in with anyone is having to sell my house and all that goes with it (tax hit... or having to buy a house with a guy I am just dating, then what happens if we break up... need a bigger commitment for those reasons, etc). So I cut out what you are referring to. Although you quoted it, so that's good. People can see it and know what we are talking about.
And you are right... I wouldn't say trainable. It's probably just an unreasonable fear of mine that I am going to get stuck with someone like my ex again when it comes to taking care of the house.
Last edited by jillabean; 09-27-2014 at 09:23 PM..
Yeah, another homeowner makes it way more difficult if the relationship gets to the cohabitation stage. You might do well with a traveling salesman or a truck driver. Just brainstorming here
Your fears aren't unreasonable IMO. You've experienced it and you know the potential to end up with another one is real. In my last relationship the young lady told me that she tended to sabotage relationships that were getting too serious. Psst. I ignored the red flag ;I couldn't believe that she would get into a relationship and entertain thoughts of marriage knowing that she wouldn't let it get that far. She did and she didn't. I know better now. I listen and believe now more than ever.
In this same relationship since I worked from home I ended up doing all of the cleaning, laundry and most of the cooking. We didn't make messes or generate much dirt but dusting, mopping, washing dishes and doing/sorting laundry adds up. Don't get me started on ironing
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,067,341 times
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I don't see a problem with not living together. You can always sleep over. Moving in together would be something to think about after you have been with them for some time (years).
I don't see a problem with not living together. You can always sleep over. Moving in together would be something to think about after you have been with them for some time (years).
Absolutely.
I think we immediately think about "living together" when we find ourselves in serious relationships, because that's how we've been socialized. We believe that that's how it's supposed to work.
And newly divorced myself, I say, why?
Because I've come to ponder the idea that, for at least some of us, it's not the commitment, per se, that's the hard part of a LTR. It's not the giving of yourself to another person, either. It's not having to (hopefully) cultivate and nurture strong emotional intimacy, or sacrificing to ensure your partner is happy and satisfied, or being creative in keeping the flames burning, or having sex with the same person for years or decades (if you're doing it right, it can ONLY get better ), or anything like that. It's not going through hard times together, or supporting your partner when they're down. It's not necessarily even monogamy.
It's the day in, day out DRUDGERY of living together in the same quarters, complete with jockeying over who and when does the cleaning, taking care of the kids, paying bills, laundry, grocery shopping, maintenance, cooking, etc. OR feeling quietly resentful because you're the one doing most of it, on top of work and other responsibilities (been there myself). It kills romance and sexiness, imo. Particularly if the other person gives little in return.
I'm now thinking that if more of us just lived in quarters separate from our partners, then our long-term relationships might have better chances of surviving. Happily.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 09-28-2014 at 06:37 AM..
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;I couldn't believe that she would get into a relationship and entertain thoughts of marriage knowing that she wouldn't let it get that far. She did and she didn't. I know better now. I listen and believe now more than ever.
but dusting, mopping, washing dishes and doing/sorting laundry adds up. Don't get me started on ironing 
