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Well I can't say I'm an expert on making it happen, because in that case I already would have done it . But I think I need to stop thinking in terms of "this is who I attract". The logic is, attracting needy guys with issues makes me mad/sad, but if I stay mad/sad about it I'm not going to be putting out the vibes necessary to REPEL these guys and ATTRACT better ones. I need to get comfortable with expecting better results, and I can start doing that by changing my thinking.
Making it happen is the hard part. Most people in this thread are repeating things you've already acknowledged, because they don't really know the "how" part also. You stated the "what", and they tell you the "what". You stated the "why", and they tell you the "why". No one can tell you how to move past awareness and to actively draw different types.
Personally, I draw different types, but it doesn't move into a relationship. No doubt this is on my end, but how to create emotional connection and feel valued for more than physical appearance when not being the "healer" is a bit harder. Friends and family will acknowledge your other positive attributes, but in dating, it seems you either get men who value you as the healer or for your appearance. So it's a bit tricky to figure out how to draw someone who values your other attributes.
I DO think we put out a persona which is drawing certain people to us. In my case, my persona is - stylish girl or empath. So what do I draw? If not those who want a free therapist, then those who want a pretty trophy. It's more common they want a bit of both.
People don't like to think they adopt a persona, but everyone does. It is not the true self, nor even the "ego" (and it can even conflict with our ego), which is why we get frustrated when we are not valued for our true self (or even what our ego demands), but instead for our persona.
Friends/family can get puzzled over this, because they often have seen us for who we are as a whole, beyond the persona, and they may have forgotten even their initial impressions of us. So they may not be helpful in cluing you into how you come across initially - what persona you put out. Although, I have found it useful to get feedback from people on their first impressions of me, if they are able to recall it.
Years ago, I was surprised to know people saw me as snobby, not simply shy. People think I am in a bad mood or unfriendly when I am pensive or happily observing. Etc... The knee-jerk can be to feel "misunderstood", but that's the ego clinging to a persona, thinking it's necessary to adopt to attract what it needs.
Other people have more often adopted personas which fulfill their ego's demands (and those can be just as bad in other ways). A question is - is my ego actually wanting to be frustrated? In other words - is my sense of self built on an identity of being someone who suffers, is unhappy, is a martyr? Etc.
So you can change the persona - how do you appear to others, especially initially?
You can change what your ego is based on - how can I make my sense of self something more positive?
The hardest thing is changing what your identity is built on. There are schools of thought which think that this can be damaged in childhood, through experiences and messages received. Some think there are inborn tendencies. Some think it's chemical. But the brain does have plasticity, so it may be worth it to focus on creating healthier thought patterns. Pay attention to your "self-talk" and what ideas it is reinforcing in your mind.
I keep attracting guys who need a therapist, not a girlfriend. They are all about THEM and desperately need someone to listen to them, to validate them, and basically to make them feel good about themselves.
I feel that I get roped into the therapist role, or the "trophy girlfriend" role where they want to have me on their arm but aren't actually equipped to nurture ME behind closed doors. I feel like I am in a perpetually supportive role in my relationships, but am never receiving any support myself.
I need insight. I'm so sick of this.
Stop picking up those types at the local clinic. DUH!
I keep attracting guys who need a therapist, not a girlfriend. They are all about THEM and desperately need someone to listen to them, to validate them, and basically to make them feel good about themselves.
I feel that I get roped into the therapist role, or the "trophy girlfriend" role where they want to have me on their arm but aren't actually equipped to nurture ME behind closed doors. I feel like I am in a perpetually supportive role in my relationships, but am never receiving any support myself.
I need insight. I'm so sick of this.
well, there are something charming about mentally sick dudes. Many of them know how to read people, many of them are intuitive, many of them are good looking, many of them are very intense. There are a lot of incredibly talented artists who are crazy.
Fixing them makes some women feel powerful and needed, well, loved. Many women think been needed = been loved.
I had a dude who told me he would kill himself if I left him. I left anyway and he found another girlfriend maybe on day three. My late boyfriend killed himself and obviously there are people blame me for it because I was the only person he needed. (his words not mine) It took a while to realize we had an unhealthy relationship.
You perhaps just need some time. My prince charming was sick, I had no regrets, but I would never fall in love with somebody like him again.
well, there are something charming about mentally sick dudes. Many of them know how to read people, many of them are intuitive, many of them are good looking, many of them are very intense. There are a lot of incredibly talented artists who are crazy.
Fixing them makes some women feel powerful and needed, well, loved. Many women think been needed = been loved.
I had a dude who told me he would kill himself if I left him. I left anyway and he found another girlfriend maybe on day three. My late boyfriend killed himself and obviously there are people blame me for it because I was the only person he needed. (his words not mine) It took a while to realize we had an unhealthy relationship.
You perhaps just need some time. My prince charming was sick, I had no regrets, but I would never fall in love with somebody like him again.
Good luck
One of my exes used to say the same thing to me, that he would kill himself if I ever left him. I didn't realize how unhealthy our relationship was when I was in it...or rather I saw but didn't want to see. I enjoyed the feeling of being needed and irreplaceable, but what I didn't realize is that I wasn't a PERSON to him, I was more of an OBJECT. He really wasn't equipped to deal with me, the person, at all. He said "I love you" about a million times a day, but when it came to the ACTIONS, they just weren't there. It's like the entire relationship existed in his head. He would play songs for me that he said "symbolized our relationship to him" and I'd be like, in what world does this song represent our relationship?? He was scarily out of touch with reality.
I think that it's easier for me to focus on others than to focus on myself. So if my attention is constantly focused outward, it would make sense that I'd attract people who need and want a lot of attention. They're people who want you to forget yourself so that you can tend to their insatiable, attention-hog neediness. I have to start forcing myself to focus inward.
One of my exes used to say the same thing to me, that he would kill himself if I ever left him. I didn't realize how unhealthy our relationship was when I was in it...or rather I saw but didn't want to see. I enjoyed the feeling of being needed and irreplaceable, but what I didn't realize is that I wasn't a PERSON to him, I was more of an OBJECT. He really wasn't equipped to deal with me, the person, at all. He said "I love you" about a million times a day, but when it came to the ACTIONS, they just weren't there. It's like the entire relationship existed in his head. He would play songs for me that he said "symbolized our relationship to him" and I'd be like, in what world does this song represent our relationship?? He was scarily out of touch with reality.
I think that it's easier for me to focus on others than to focus on myself. So if my attention is constantly focused outward, it would make sense that I'd attract people who need and want a lot of attention. They're people who want you to forget yourself so that you can tend to their insatiable, attention-hog neediness. I have to start forcing myself to focus inward.
I think your ex perhaps genuinely loved you in his own unhealthy way. Unstable unhealthy folks don't even know how to love themselves, how can we expect them to love others in a healthy way?
He perhaps truly loved you, however unhealthy it might be. He tried his best. i know what I and he had was true love, but this kind of love is just not healthy.
Give yourself time to heal. At least you can recognize unhealthy men right away. I know I can.
I think your ex perhaps genuinely loved you in his own unhealthy way. Unstable unhealthy folks don't even know how to love themselves, how can we expect them to love others in a healthy way?
He perhaps truly loved you, however unhealthy it might be. He tried his best. i know what I and he had was true love, but this kind of love is just not healthy.
Give yourself time to heal. At least you can recognize unhealthy men right away. I know I can.
I think he thought he loved me, but it was his version of love which was not really love. And I agree, he did not know how to love himself. Either way, I have healed from that relationship and I'm a better person for it.
It's the "doer" in me, when I see an unhealthy guy I lean towards "fix this" rather than "run away from this". But I've been getting much better at that recently. Much, much better. What used to draw me in is now starting to repel me.
I think he thought he loved me, but it was his version of love which was not really love. And I agree, he did not know how to love himself. Either way, I have healed from that relationship and I'm a better person for it.
It's the "doer" in me, when I see an unhealthy guy I lean towards "fix this" rather than "run away from this". But I've been getting much better at that recently. Much, much better. What used to draw me in is now starting to repel me.
This is really wonderful to read! Awareness is half the battle, and I'm glad to see that growing in you each time you post!
When you meet someone new, a potential love interest, they shouldn't need a thing from you. There should be something positive that draws you together simply for the benefit of spending time and getting to know each other. None of that involves brokenness, neediness and the desire to fix and/or change.
Thinking about this more just now, I realized that I always feel like everything is on my shoulders, like if I don't take care of everything and fix everything, it's all going to fall apart. I think I take on way too much responsibility, including responsibility for other people's emotions. So I easily fall into the mode of "This guy is insecure and needy, and I have to help him" rather than seeing that he is emotionally unavailable and bad for me, and running the other way.
I hear you loud and clear and can relate.
At present I hold back from rescuing individuals. There comes a time when you realize helping is actually hurting them. They will eventually learn to get out of situations themselves.
The cocoon is the beginning of a butterflies life. If you were to help it out of the cocoon it's wings will not be strong enough for flight.
Over time when an individual begins to unleash an enormous amount of problems I listen but not in a way to help them. Most often they want you to feel sorry for them and comfort them. Don't. That butterfly will get out.
Eventually, when they stop talking about themselves and you really show no emotion as to fuel their selfish escapade they may stop and ask something about YOU. If not cut ties.
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. But I think I need to stop thinking in terms of "this is who I attract". The logic is, attracting needy guys with issues makes me mad/sad, but if I stay mad/sad about it I'm not going to be putting out the vibes necessary to REPEL these guys and ATTRACT better ones. I need to get comfortable with expecting better results, and I can start doing that by changing my thinking.
Awareness is half the battle, and I'm glad to see that growing in you each time you post! 
