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Don't listen to what he says. The important thing is what does he do. From your OP, my guess is that he wants just casual. He's getting sex, that's all he really wants.
Its how it goes because that's the way you accept it going. You control when someone is going to sleep with you - the guy has no say over that whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with however you deside to live your life, but you can expect people to see you as 'easy' and not take you seriously as someone to commit to. They pick that up by how easily they can have you.
Ive heard a lot of guys say over time, I like her, but she is not someone I would marry because...
I can legally walk around topless where I live, but how are men going to treat me if I do? No one can complain about my toplessness. If I have a nice perky rack, few men would; but, Im placing myself into a category subconsiously for them that doesnt usually equal wife and mother material. Fun and meaningless, yes! Btw, would it be fair of me to get upset over getting cat-called while Im bopping around topless? Its kinda like those little ladies that like to dress like sluts, but dont want anyone looking at them, lol. Okies...
Sometimes we rationalize the things we like, and think we can have it all. We might have a few friends that feel the same way, or at least claim they do.
I understand completely what you mean by fear of commitment. I lived with my husband for 8 years before I desided I was ready for marriage. He was always ready to marry me, always said he would - and up until the last time he said it, I would just simply say ok, and move the topic along to something else. The ability to simply walk away if things went sour was too appealing to me. Why hassle with a messy divorce and drag things out if its over? Just pack my things and walk. Easy.
What do I want from the relationship leftovers? Nothing. Why would I want a bunch of crap that reminds me of you, and the fact the relationship ended? But, that was just me.
Its easy to buck social values when you are young and dont know what you want. Now that you have desided you want more than meaningless sex, you have to change your approach to dating completely. You need to dress and carry yourself differently. Dont expect to be the center of attention and life of the party while attempting this mindset change. You cant do it. No one has it all.
Depending on your age, good luck to you. You can change your life, but very few truely succeed in doing so. Change is difficult, and falling back on old habits is way too easy.
Wise perspective - thanks. Never have I had sex with a guy because HE wanted to (when I didn't), to be clear, but I probably have had 'meaningless, fun sex' early on when in truth I wanted our relationship to have more depth before it got to that point. I usually have at least as high of a sex drive as these guys do however, so aside from discussing that early on, it tends to happen that way because I want it to, in the moment.
Yeah, guess I am moving from casually dating to more serious dating. I have in the past been in a 4 year serious committed relationship with a guy so serious relationships are nothing new to me, but they are scary on some level. I know I am ready though.
Wise perspective - thanks. Never have I had sex with a guy because HE wanted to (when I didn't), to be clear, but I probably have had 'meaningless, fun sex' early on when in truth I wanted our relationship to have more depth before it got to that point. I usually have at least as high of a sex drive as these guys do however, so aside from discussing that early on, it tends to happen that way because I want it to, in the moment.
Yeah, guess I am moving from casually dating to more serious dating. I have in the past been in a 4 year serious committed relationship with a guy so serious relationships are nothing new to me, but they are scary on some level. I know I am ready though.
Relationships r scary because sex between minds is the true sex. Other stuff is all at an "operational" level. And when you engage at non physical level you stand to lose a lot more than just a physical experience if things don't go the way you want.
Relationships r scary because sex between minds is the true sex. Other stuff is all at an "operational" level. And when you engage at non physical level you stand to lose a lot more than just a physical experience if things don't go the way you want.
Very, very true. Also scary because we all bring 'baggage' and what not to the relationship. The tricky part is figuring out how to make each new relationship a fresh start, and to do so without fear.
Very, very true. Also scary because we all bring 'baggage' and what not to the relationship. The tricky part is figuring out how to make each new relationship a fresh start, and to do so without fear.
Buddhist monks are very wise to say that true happiness is also achieved through non-attachment (not very applicable to the common layperson, but very true).
To a certain degree, we all have issues. That's one thing.
To enter a relationship hoping it will "fix" or solve one's problems only opens a can of worm for something else. And, many people do enter relationships out of fear or desperation only to find themselves disappointed, once again.
People who enter relationships attached to delusions, desires and attachments to the past, or greed often find themselves disillusioned in a vicious cycle of emptiness and infulfillment.
Healthy attachments usually require a lot of self-reflection, contemplation, and individual self-improvement.
Buddhist monks are very wise to say that true happiness is also achieved through non-attachment (not very applicable to the common layperson, but very true).
To a certain degree, we all have issues. That's one thing.
To enter a relationship hoping it will "fix" or solve one's problems only opens a can of worm for something else. And, many people do enter relationships out of fear or desperation only to find themselves disappointed, once again.
People who enter relationships attached to delusions, desires and attachments to the past, or greed often find themselves disillusioned in a vicious cycle of emptiness and affluent.
Healthy attachments usually require a lot of self-reflection, contemplation, and individual self-improvement.
Healthy attachments require a lot of self-reflection...
No kidding........ self awareness, present moment beingness...... things that have long long eluded me and that's ok........ the awareness is key......
I bounce through this life and I am shocked and saddened by the lack of awareness around me... I truly say this without judgement.... more of just an observation... LOL...
That person who you think has it together........ might not be as keen as you think they are... again... no judgements... another simple observation...
Healthy attachments require a lot of self-reflection...
No kidding........ self awareness, present moment beingness...... things that have long long eluded me and that's ok........ the awareness is key......
I bounce through this life and I am shocked and saddened by the lack of awareness around me... I truly say this without judgement.... more of just an observation... LOL...
That person who you think has it together........ might not be as keen as you think they are... again... no judgements... another simple observation...
I usually can tell when someone tries to appear to have a disposition of having it all together and living a "perfect" life. We're not prepackaged sardines that live in nice pre-packaged Truman Show-style homes.. like in the movie, but a lot of people like to pretend on the surface level like they do.. have it all together.. Everyone has some skeletons in their closet.
I admire the tenacity of those who admit that they are flawed and imperfect, and embrace their imperfections.. their ability to show vulnerability to me is by far stronger than someone who appears to be tough, but is really just a shrinking and decaying human inside..
I'm not afraid to express my judgments, as you probably know.. But, I rather live in the truth than a world of illusions and false happiness. That's just me. Sanity is about clarity.
And, clarity = enlightenment. I grew up Catholic but always admired Buddhist monks as a child. They are great role-models I can definitely use some life tips on!
*(Sorry OP- not to side track.. Your pain is your adversity, and your adversities are your strengths- I hope the best for you in your time of need)
Let us know how things go, lillyz. Hope it works out for you!
So, just an update since, why not....
We had the conversation. I brought it up. Turns out he IS looking for a relationship, and has really only been dating me. He said he doesn't see me as casual and never did - he was interested from the very beginning, just thought he'd take it slow. The reason for the big breaks in his communicating between dates was because he was under the assumption that since I was the super busy one with the crazy schedule, that I would let him know when I was free. He said he didn't want to be pushy. He actually thought I was the one who wasn't interested, because I wasn't reaching out to him to get together.
So crazy how much miscommunication there was! I was even losing sleep over it at first, how ridiculous. My trying to follow some 'rule' of letting the guy pursue me and judge his interest based on how often he reached out was... just not in line with how this guy works.
Also, my general demeanor of being more direct and upfront well... I'm going back to that! Feels much more natural anyway.
As for whether or not it could become something serious well, I'm weighing that now myself and observing how he makes me feel and how our interactions go.
There could be a minor communication piece between he and I here... or major... depending. He's very black and white, logical/rational, and doesn't bring up emotion at all... I'm more nuanced, and am very in touch with the emotional side of things.
Since we had the conversation, he's been reaching out a lot more.
Anyway, that is the update. Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback.
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