Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You must live in some back woods because 43 is a very common (normal) age to have elementary school age children where I live. My God what is wrong with you people? People don't have kids when they are 25 anymore unless by accident or they are on welfare. None and I mean none of the kids my kids are friends with have parents under 40 and they are 5 and 9.
We were looked at as "young parents" when my wife had our older son at 32.
I guess this is a Blue State/Red State difference.
I'm originally from NYC, most of my classmates from high school and college are all having kids in the last 2-3 years. I'm 41. But after moving to MD, I found many people married right after high school and some that are uh.. already grandparents. So I think that does happen. BUT, as Timberline indicates after your post, that early parents can be anywhere. But in major city areas, I think career and cost of living factors first before children. I have friends that are STILL waiting for the right financial condition to have kids. Economics is important.
I never said that you can't have kids after 35. Most people I know have kids around them. 35 is hugely different than 43.
I said I think I am too old to responsibly have kids (just born ones) at 43. I stand by that. It wouldn't be fair to them or me, or my partner. I could of course biologically, and perhaps make it work financially (assuming I die at work), but I do not believe it would be responsible.
And at 50 she might not be too old now. She might be too old (I don't know her, I know me) to be moving people in and out of a dorm at 60, and trying to retire around 65 when she is paying tuition from 60-64.
The front end is "easy". It is the high school and college years.
I feel similarly to you. We just got married, both of us are 42 and we've had a few people ask when we're having kids. My standard answer, without going into a slew of personal details, is that we're too old to do that. At which point people say "no you're not" and I just smile and let it go.
We're both great with kids, but at this stage of life, we are not interested in becoming parents. After 42 years, you get a bit set in your ways and a child doesn't fit so well. There is such an increased health risk for said child given our ages. We don't want to be 60 when a child is graduating from high school. We are also not in a financial position to provide for a child for the next 20+ years and provide for our own retirements as well. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
I never said that you can't have kids after 35. Most people I know have kids around them. 35 is hugely different than 43.
I said I think I am too old to responsibly have kids (just born ones) at 43. I stand by that. It wouldn't be fair to them or me, or my partner. I could of course biologically, and perhaps make it work financially (assuming I die at work), but I do not believe it would be responsible.
And at 50 she might not be too old now. She might be too old (I don't know her, I know me) to be moving people in and out of a dorm at 60, and trying to retire around 65 when she is paying tuition from 60-64.
The front end is "easy". It is the high school and college years.
I don't know, my mother is nearly 67 and still works full-time and has more energy than I do! 60 doesn't seem that old to me. Besides I paid my own tuition via work, student loans and National Service (Americorps). And I paid those loans off by age 26.
I'm not saying that everyone can even have kids biologically at 43, but I wouldn't say its too old try if you really wanted to.
I feel younger now at 40 than I did in my late 20's all because of a change in attitude. Having kids made me MORE, not less willing to take risks in my career and financial life because I want to provide as good a life as I can for them. If I never had kids I probably would have just plodded along working the same job, going to concerts on the weekends and settling into a "safe", but boring routine. Having kids has given me that boost to get out there and be ALL I can be.
First off, the previous posts recommending the wife just try to covertly get pregnant by stopping the pill, etc. are WRONG. OP, please do not take this dishonest, despicable approach as it will backfire.
Also, just my 2 cents on the age thing - Many of my friends are raising elementary age children in their 40's-50's. It is relatively common, especially with the highly educated demographic. My hubby was 42 when we had our youngest. Now, in his early 50's, he is the most fit and financially secure he's ever been. His dad (80+) is still doing cross state bike trips and playing competitive seniors tennis, so I don't see his son physically falling apart at 60. If anything, being the kids' sports coach/partner is keeping him in better shape then he otherwise would have been.
My point is that this was the best time for us to have kids (we were able to spend our 20's/early 30's traveling the world and building our business so we are now financially secure to provide for our kids). However, this is an individual decision and if someone says it is too old for them, well then it is too old.
First off, the previous posts recommending the wife just try to covertly get pregnant by stopping the pill, etc. are WRONG. OP, please do not take this dishonest, despicable approach as it will backfire.
Also, just my 2 cents on the age thing - Many of my friends are raising elementary age children in their 40's-50's. It is relatively common, especially with the highly educated demographic. My hubby was 42 when we had our youngest. Now, in his early 50's, he is the most fit and financially secure he's ever been. His dad (80+) is still doing cross state bike trips and playing competitive seniors tennis, so I don't see his son physically falling apart at 60. If anything, being the kids' sports coach/partner is keeping him in better shape then he otherwise would have been.
My point is that this was the best time for us to have kids (we were able to spend our 20's/early 30's traveling the world and building our business so we are now financially secure to provide for our kids). However, this is an individual decision and if someone says it is too old for them, well then it is too old.
I agree she shouldn't entrap him by sabetaging contraception but after awhile are you really going to want to sleep with someone who feels so completely opposed to the potential result of what that activity was designed for? Especially if its something you are longing for?
Sorry but I almost left my wife because she was really reluctant to have kids. She went ahead and did it and it's worked more or less, but not without significant issues. I wouldn't recommend doing what I did to anyone, it's been hard and it would have gone alot smoother with someone who approached the prospect more positively.
Nope, couples should get divorced (or better yet never marry in the first place) if they can't agree on this. Take it from someone who knows
Also, just my 2 cents on the age thing - Many of my friends are raising elementary age children in their 40's-50's. It is relatively common, especially with the highly educated demographic. My hubby was 42 when we had our youngest. Now, in his early 50's, he is the most fit and financially secure he's ever been. His dad (80+) is still doing cross state bike trips and playing competitive seniors tennis, so I don't see his son physically falling apart at 60. If anything, being the kids' sports coach/partner is keeping him in better shape then he otherwise would have been.
My point is that this was the best time for us to have kids (we were able to spend our 20's/early 30's traveling the world and building our business so we are now financially secure to provide for our kids). However, this is an individual decision and if someone says it is too old for them, well then it is too old.
I think this a big urban/rural cultural difference
I agree she shouldn't entrap him by sabetaging contraception but after awhile are you really going to want to sleep with someone who feels so completely opposed to the potential result of what that activity was designed for?
Sorry but I almost left my wife because she was really reluctant to have kids. She went ahead and did it and it's worked more or less, but not without significant issues. I wouldn't recommend doing what I did to anyone, it's been hard and it would have gone alot smoother with someone who approcahed the prospect more positively.
Nope, couples should get divorced (or better yet never marry in the first place) if they can't agree on this. Take it from someone who knows
Ummm.. so you're saying sex is simply for procreation and nothing else? That's kinda limiting.
However, I do agree, if either party is not interested in something as life-changing as having kids, then going their separate ways is the right thing to do. But also, own your choice, and don't cry about it after.
I think this a big urban/rural cultural difference
I thought that, but some of these other posters say they are coming from big urban perspective, which is also my perspective. I have met some new families who have moved into our area and commented that the parents seem really old, so maybe I'm in some old parent enclave - lol.
Ummm.. so you're saying sex is simply for procreation and nothing else? That's kinda limiting.
However, I do agree, if either party is not interested in something as life-changing as having kids, then going their separate ways is the right thing to do. But also, own your choice, and don't cry about it after.
Obviously not just for procreation, but it also seems kind of obvious that this is its main intended purpose. Prior to the 20th Century this was obvious to everyone - no sex, no offspring = population decline. High death rates quickly reminded you of this if you had any doubts.
Now people are so divorced from nature and their own biology and think its simply for recreation.
Sorry but I look at things from a much longer historical time perspective. Sure it's fun, and I have non procreative sex too, but to deny that procreation isn't its main purpose is delusional. My opinion is that at one time or another in a marriage, sex should be open to creating new life.
I was never much into sleeping around anyways. I always sought out monogamous relationships from the get go. I always thought that all those people around me living a hedonistic lifestyle were pretty tacky and lacked discipline and self-restraint. Sorry but I've always felt that way, call me an elitist snob.
I thought that, but some of these other posters say they are coming from big urban perspective, which is also my perspective. I have met some new families who have moved into our area and commented that the parents seem really old, so maybe I'm in some old parent enclave - lol.
I think a lot of it is demographics. Where I live now is very Upper Middle Class and parents have kids in their late 30's/early 40's. Where I will soon be moving to, the parents are a bit younger having their kids early 30's, it's more middle class. I think income and education level play more of a factor than even urban vs rural.
That being said I want to raise my kids in the more middle class place so they won't feel entitled when they grow up. Besides the fact that we can get a really nice house and the schools are just as good in the middle class area we've chosen make it a no brainer.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
