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Hi there,
As per usual and as I'm sure has been said many times here before, I am completely lost after my relationship ended with my boyfriend of seven years last night. We are both 24, but are both entirely mature and had a very mature relationship. Several times in the past he mentioned to me having the curiosity and desire to date other women since I was the only person he had ever been with. Each time he mentioned it, after we talked about it, everything would be okay and those feelings would fade. However, last night he said he can't get that feeling to go away no matter how hard he tried or how badly he wanted it to. He said I am perfect in every way possible and it kills him for him to have that feeling and wishes he didn't.
Before I go any further, it's important to know we had a great relationship. We had a very strong bond and absolutely loved each others company. We had a great time doing absolutely nothing on most days. He was there for me and I was there for him, through everything. The relationship wasn't the problem, and that is what scares me. I'm scarred he just left something he will never be able to find again due to feelings that never may be satisfied and a beautiful and strong relationship, seven years of memories just thrown away. I stood by his side through his depression, through the depths that depression brings, through everything. I accepted him wholly, 100 percent, and I truly just fear he didn't realize how good we, and he, had it. It may sound as if I'm only reflecting on the good because I'm hurting right now, but it truly was a solid, happy relationship.
I just wanted someone to talk to. It really helps just typing this all out. I really don't know what to feel or what to do at this point. I'm just trying to take it minute by minute at this point. Any thoughts or wisdom would be so appreciated. Thanks so much
I'm sorry to hear that. I also ended a seven year relationship this year, although I ended it on my end so it's a bit different. It's not easy to transition from being in a committed relationship to being solo, though, I know. Taking it minute by minute is all you can do, and it's good that you know that.
Also--and I certainly don't mean to diminish your level of maturity in any way--but seven years is a long time to be with someone at your age. It's a big wide world out there, and the person that you met at 17 isn't always the person you are meant to be with. Also, I'm sure you have both changed a lot in the past seven years, since you are right in the midst of your "coming of age" years.
You may be right, and he may kick himself for letting you go sooner or later, but don't wait around for that moment and don't let it keep you from experiencing all you can in life and relationships. Instead, you should focus on you and what you really want out of life. Also, please don't think of it as seven years thrown away. You undoubtedly learned and grew a lot during that time, and you can take those lessons on to your next endeavor.
I'm sorry to hear that. I also ended a seven year relationship this year, although I ended it on my end so it's a bit different. It's not easy to transition from being in a committed relationship to being solo, though, I know. Taking it minute by minute is all you can do, and it's good that you know that.
Also--and I certainly don't mean to diminish your level of maturity in any way--but seven years is a long time to be with someone at your age. It's a big wide world out there, and the person that you met at 17 isn't always the person you are meant to be with. Also, I'm sure you have both changed a lot in the past seven years, since you are right in the midst of your "coming of age" years.
You may be right, and he may kick himself for letting you go sooner or later, but don't wait around for that moment and don't let it keep you from experiencing all you can in life and relationships. Instead, you should focus on you and what you really want out of life. Also, please don't think of it as seven years thrown away. You undoubtedly learned and grew a lot during that time, and you can take those lessons on to your next endeavor.
Good luck!
Thanks for your reply. I know 17 is young but as you said we both have changed and matured greatly over those seven years. I would've fought for him for the rest of my life and I know that without doubt. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't the person you are meant to be with. What is the most difficult is the fact that our relationship was going great. We were just fine, happy, laughing and smiling just a few days ago. He was glued to my side. I know him and know when he is genuinely happy, and he was. That is what terrifies me, that he will never find what we had and it will all be a regret. I asked him what if leaving me behind will end up being something he regrets and he said he would spend every waking minute fighting for me back. I hope you can see my confusion and why I'm so conflicted. Thank you again for responding. It really helps.
Nothing is certain in this life girl or the boy cannot see the gender. Be strong. Past is past try to move on. Don't live in the past memories but I know it is much easy for me to say, at least you need to give a try.
I asked him what if leaving me behind will end up being something he regrets and he said he would spend every waking minute fighting for me back. I hope you can see my confusion and why I'm so conflicted.
This "if" ^^ is a very important word.
"If" is not something worth dedicating your entire life.
Please understand: The fact that he recognizes that he feels this way is important. He KNOWS that he cannot stay committed to you and took the mature step of telling you. You are not enough for him right now. That should matter to you.
It doesn't feel that way right now, but what should terrify you is the thought of being married to him and have him tell you this a year after the wedding.
Give him space. Take YOUR space, and be careful not to fall back into your established pattern because it is familiar and comforting. His desire to "see more of the world" is not unreasonable; it hurts so much because you did not feel the same way, but you don't really want to be with someone who doesn't REALLY want to be with you.
Hi there,
As per usual and as I'm sure has been said many times here before, I am completely lost after my relationship ended with my boyfriend of seven years last night. We are both 24, but are both entirely mature and had a very mature relationship. Several times in the past he mentioned to me having the curiosity and desire to date other women since I was the only person he had ever been with. Each time he mentioned it, after we talked about it, everything would be okay and those feelings would fade. However, last night he said he can't get that feeling to go away no matter how hard he tried or how badly he wanted it to. He said I am perfect in every way possible and it kills him for him to have that feeling and wishes he didn't.
Before I go any further, it's important to know we had a great relationship. We had a very strong bond and absolutely loved each others company. We had a great time doing absolutely nothing on most days. He was there for me and I was there for him, through everything. The relationship wasn't the problem, and that is what scares me. I'm scarred he just left something he will never be able to find again due to feelings that never may be satisfied and a beautiful and strong relationship, seven years of memories just thrown away. I stood by his side through his depression, through the depths that depression brings, through everything. I accepted him wholly, 100 percent, and I truly just fear he didn't realize how good we, and he, had it. It may sound as if I'm only reflecting on the good because I'm hurting right now, but it truly was a solid, happy relationship.
I just wanted someone to talk to. It really helps just typing this all out. I really don't know what to feel or what to do at this point. I'm just trying to take it minute by minute at this point. Any thoughts or wisdom would be so appreciated. Thanks so much
I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. Breakups are never fun or easy
Try to understand, if you are only 24 and got together 7 YEARS ago this kind of outcome isn't so unexpected.
Instead of choosing to view it as a disaster and get all caught up in your grief, strive to embrace this as an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself as an individual.
I know that is not what you want to think about at this moment, but if you can work your way toward the right mindset you will be able to see a world of possibilities you weren't likely seeing before
It is obviously very painful for you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Keep in mind, however, that it does not sound like you had a healthy relationship to me. It sounds to me, from your description, that you were more his caretaker than his girlfriend. You stayed with him for so long, what did you get out of the relationship other than taking care of him when he was depressed, etc? My question is why would you want to continue in a relationship like that?
Typically a man is marriage material or he is not. Usually it takes about 1.5 - 2 years to discover whether you are compatible and want to make a marriage commitment. If a man is not interested in marrying you at that point, it is in your best interests to move on and find someone who is. From what you have said in your post, it sounds like you were the one doing all of the giving and he was doing all of the taking. This is not a good situation for anyone.
It's a big transition, but in the long run, you will be happier. But I am sorry for the heartache that you have to deal with to get there.
"If" is not something worth dedicating your entire life.
Please understand: The fact that he recognizes that he feels this way is important. He KNOWS that he cannot stay committed to you and took the mature step of telling you. You are not enough for him right now. That should matter to you.
It doesn't feel that way right now, but what should terrify you is the thought of being married to him and have him tell you this a year after the wedding.
Give him space. Take YOUR space, and be careful not to fall back into your established pattern because it is familiar and comforting. His desire to "see more of the world" is not unreasonable; it hurts so much because you did not feel the same way, but you don't really want to be with someone who doesn't REALLY want to be with you.
But what if I am and he just doesn't realize it because he doesn't have anything else to compare our relationship with? I know it is entirely reasonable, I'm not mad at him and I don't resent him. Just so very hard to grasp.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. Breakups are never fun or easy
Try to understand, if you are only 24 and got together 7 YEARS ago this kind of outcome isn't so unexpected.
Instead of choosing to view it as a disaster and get all caught up in your grief, strive to embrace this as an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself as an individual.
I know that is not what you want to think about at this moment, but if you can work your way toward the right mindset you will be able to see a world of possibilities you weren't likely seeing before
It can be confusing for someone in the OP's position; everything was going great, but her bf still wanted out. To her, it makes no sense, and yet, that sort of thing isn't unusual for people who have been together since highschool.
OP, at least you have some very positive relationship experience, and know what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. You're way ahead of a lot of people your age. Maybe that sounds like small comfort, but it means your chances of finding another similar relationship are high. Give yourself some time to process this loss, then get on with your life, and look forward to the future.
But what if I am and he just doesn't realize it because he doesn't have anything else to compare our relationship with? I know it is entirely reasonable, I'm not mad at him and I don't resent him. Just so very hard to grasp.
I have been there dear...me and rest other woman and men who went through what you are going through today know how does look like. The best thing you can do is learn from experiences and be strong. And start living your life.
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