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that was at the beginning? it has been around 9 months since he last cheated..... so he is changing.... i just am not comfortable with some of the relationships he has with females... i don't mind if he goes to coffee or lunch but yeah just want boundaries set?
Does he get treatment for his bpd? Is he in therapy? How old is he?
Sadly many people with bpd never stick to therapy and they rarely recover. When you decide to stay in a relationship with some borderline, you'll likely become crazy yourself at some point.
he is not currently in therapy... its not something he can not afford at the moment so it will be a few months before something worthwhile gets done. i suppose i don't enjoy giving up on him when i know that he is trying and he says it seems like what he is doing will never be enough but he takes such small steps then expects some type of celebration which i find hard to do as its normal for normal people lol..... anyway i would hope that one day i would be afforded the same patients that i am offering him, we all mess up and lose our way and struggle with things so i have always had faith but yeah maybe a bit misplaced....
he is 41 i am 30... and i am showing signs of crazy lol :S
Sounds like he is just playing you big time. He also sound like a seasoned veteran at this game and know full well what he is doing. Stop being played, you can do better or should want better.
When someone cheats it is on them to do the hard work to rebuild trust. If he is really going to change, he has to be willing to prove it by being totally transparent. He also needs to get at the root of the problem as to why he acted that way in the first place. Other than supposedly stopping the behavior, what else has he one to show you he's a new man with a new philosophy on life?
Its not on you to convince him to prove it to you, he should be willing to do that anyway. If he hasn't gotten down to the root causes of his behavior he's not really different and he's a ticking time bomb. It's only a matter of time before he stops trying to please you and gets back to business as usual.
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Originally Posted by pudda
that was at the beginning? it has been around 9 months since he last cheated..... so he is changing.... i just am not comfortable with some of the relationships he has with females... i don't mind if he goes to coffee or lunch but yeah just want boundaries set?
does that make sense?
How would you really know? If he is still 'friends' with past lovers the potential is always there to rekindle the flame.
Boundaries make sense - if you want to work that hard for it. Plenty of people cheat on their Lunch hour, afterall. Even if one of the boundaries would be no meeting up with past lovers for any reason, you would have to tail him 24/7 to know for a fact he's not still cheating.
People (male and female) can change - in fact, most of us are contantly changing in some way. If you were 20 and he was 40, I would be more optimistic. If you want children and a family life, your time clock is starting to run out.
I understand that love conquers all, but there is something to be said for starting anew too. I'd hate to see you waste your time.
He is probably comfortable with knowing you will always be there no matter what he does. If you never left him over it in the first place, where is his incentive to make a meangful change? If he means more to you than yourself, stay like you are and try to set boundaries, but any really meaningful change is a shot in the dark.
than guys, i suppose i was more looking for "no you are not being unreasonable" or "am" than advice on the state of the trust, we are both aware that there is very little trust. hence why i need to express things that i would usually see as being unspoken rules in a relationship. we are working on trust, its just difficult because he says that i am being silly in the way that i feel, so i thought this would show that i'm not and any reasonable person would expect the same sort of things that i am.....
I'm confused as to why you are putting this much effort into a relationship with someone who has cheated on you multiple times, and who you suspect has a personality disorder
The whole point of dating is to determine if you are compatible. It doesn't sound like you are and there is absolutely no trust. So why in the world would you want to continue seeing this man?? It almost sounds to me like you are a "rescuer" and maybe you get some sort of satisfaction from trying to fix this person.
If I were you, I'd say "see ya" and keep on moving. You aren't married to him, you've only been dating him for a short time (and he cheated on you SEVERAL times in the beginning of the relationship). I gather you probably don't have kids together or anything else that would tie you to this person.
It's okay to say "this isn't working out" and leave. That's the beauty of dating. You owe him nothing.
that was at the beginning? it has been around 9 months since he last cheated..... so he is changing.... i just am not comfortable with some of the relationships he has with females... i don't mind if he goes to coffee or lunch but yeah just want boundaries set?
does that make sense?
Aha okay so he is at least trying to change. But if those relationships are over is there any point he go for coffee or a lunch? Let me honest with you. Even if you put boundaries if he wants to do it again he will. Just make sure that he is not playing in front of you as he is trying to change. It is good that you try to support as you care for him. All the best.
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