My girlfriend brought her mom to our house (woman, love, cheating)

[ashleynj]

Have you guys thought about maybe going to a counselor/therapist together?

[supertoztoz]

Yes thats what i wanted to do. I just have a feeling that she went way too far and can't decide if its worth fighting against for it or not.
After 8 years getting a mortgage on her own like that is just pure selfishness especially with her mom.
She is building a life with her mom and not me, thats how i look at it

[Dr. Clean]

you must be decisive, firm and committed to end this relationship ASAP. no need to be an assh*le, just treat it like it's a business decision where it's a done deal and there is nothing more to negotiate.

have you ever seen the movie Dangerous Liason's where the main male character Valmont had to break up with the love of his life... "i'm sorry, it's beyond my control". learn to be strong without leaking you pain and sorrow, that's giving her a window to beg for your forgiveness and engage you in an emotional conversation, which you will lose because you don't have the biological tools to engage in that sword fight. just tell her you can't help it, it's her fault and be teflon about it.



just promise to give yourself 6mos-1yr of completely detoxing from her before you try to figure out if there is still any future left. like, do any of your foreign country trips take you away from her for that long? get your head clear because at this point, seems both of you need to figure out what you want long-term wise. call it rehab for you. try banging some escorts to get you through the hard times.

[supertoztoz]

Yes it does DR Clean. I am actually overseas since 1 year now in my hometown. We have seen each other 2 times here for a few days and 2 months in our condo with her mom in a 1 bedroom. It was nothing but pure hell while i was there.
Its like i was living at her mom place zero privacy etc.
Just now we have seen each other 5 days in 8 months and she doesn't understand that it might be the reason why she also doesn't have strong feelings.
She sleep in the same bed as her mom since 1 year but she doesn't realise that its not the way of living.

I dont know its way too messed up if her mom was not there things would have been fine. Her mom is an hypochondriac that just lost her house and my gf felt horrible and decided to take her with us.

I told her your doing the right thing but the wrong way. You are going to kill that couple.

[Dr. Clean]

again, dude, it is not her mom. and get real, you are never going to convince a woman she is not dealing with her mom correctly so stop talking about her mom. and if she brings it up, just keep quiet, shake your head, or just say "it's a f*cked up situation", "i'm tired of talking about it", "i don't want to talk about any more", whatever just....

d-i-s-e-g-a-g-e

but you pointed out the right issue, her relationship judgment. her bad decision-making at your expense. you are the one who is dealing with being sh*tted on, and apparently from someone who is supposed to love you. not to mention you are heading into your peak career years and an entreprenuer at that. like many women who end up get getting dumped, just commit to making sure she realizes she made the mistake next time you guys see each other after you've had a break from one another.

[supertoztoz]

Im trying to do it DR Clean, its really hard buddy i promise you. 8 years of living together its a long history. Just very hard terrified to regret later on etc If i keep her as a friend i won't advance at all

[Dr. Clean]

i divorced my ex wife 3 years ago. today we are friends and talk about trying it out again like maybe living together to see if there is anything there. she is and will always be the love of my life. while it's a wonderful thought i am not sure we could ever overcome our relationship challenges, not to mention her poor decision-making that led to our divorce.

during our break up i came to the conclusion that if i truly loved her i had to let her go to let her find her happiness elsewhere because i obviously wasn't making her happy (acted on grass is greener fantasy). i too left her alone for an extended period of time and let others who fed her poison while i was away along with helping helping her go astray. sadly, there are just some ppl who are toxic influences on others and the targets just don't know any better.

also, i am going to be real honest with you and tell you that one of the reason she is no longer interested in you is because you are a wuss, a man with no backbone, a man who will accept a woman dumping on you.

woman fundamentally do not love a man who they do not respect and if they stay with him it is because he is a good provider or she derives some benefit from him she wants to keep. and i am a big believer that women only love men who they respect. and bro i am not talking about friendship or companionship love because a good dog can provide that (man's best friend).

so get cracking and rebuild yourself because what has happened over these long years is that you have become a beta male, a second class male whose worth is only valued by women as to what they can provide them. and of course they will always love you for what you can provide, it's called conditional love--only good while it lasts.

[supertoztoz]

Thanks for your help DR Clean

Problem i have its that if i decide to move on i can't take her back after that. I can't have a women who have been sleeping and dating guys after me. Its used product for me because even if we was broken up etc those are just words. Reality its that she slept with others after me so in the event f getting back together she will not feel weird to do it again if she was tempted. Totally fine if she had stories before me as i am not looking for virgin females but once they have been with me i can't take them back after they had sex elsewhere.

Thats the way im looking at things and can't physically go back with an ex that slept or dated other guys after me i just can't.

I would love to be able to move on and see because i know she will be back eventually but it will be too late for me. This is the reason why i rather do everything to fix it or just move on. I will never after 3-4 years think about going back with her its just impossible.

[Dr. Clean]

that's all in your head, it's rules you have made up.... and then you got into an 8 year relationship.

for many ppl, sometimes true love involves forgiving the other. after all, love is a selfless act, something greater than yourself. so if you can forgive her now, you can forgive her later.

okay OP, i'm done with advice for you. go pray, meditate, talk to friends/loved ones or whatever else you do to find your center of gravity in making sense out of life. just don't use this place as your kleenex. i too came on to this forum looking for answers when i was hurt, but this is not a place to find answers, only advice of anonymous strangers. some good, some bad, some more informative than others, and some with undisclosed motives or just trolling. problem is you never know.

there is another online forum that i found more helpful (google "talk about marriage") at better discussing some of these dynamics. and while you are not married, you have a lot of similar factors.

good luck.

[Zeurich]

Originally Posted by supertoztoz

Hi there,

I would like to talk about my story and have some advices from you guys.
I am 33 years old and i have been with my girlfriend since now 8 years. We had our up and down like every couples i guess but something unusual happened last year.
I had to go for a few months overseas and while i was away my girlfriend's mom was staying in our place. She is extremely attached to her daughter since she raised her alone and i didn't thought it was a bad thing at first. She will call her morning noon afternoon evening and night every single days for hours.

After 7 year with my girlfriend which is last year i had to go 2 months overseas also for work. My girlfriend asked me if i was ok with having her mom living with us permanently since she lost her house and had no place to stay at all. I agreed but on certain conditions like takin a larger place since we was in a 1 bedroom condo.
We made a plan of takin a rental for her for a few months on her own first and then eventually all moving together.
As soon as i arrived overseas my girlfriend started telling me that we had to take a larger place right away because she didn't wanted to have her mom somewhere on her own.
We got into a fight because of it and went 6 weeks without talking. I then decided to check to see whats going on and what she did since i was certain that she took another rental on my back. I then discovered that she went on a date with a guy and reconnected with a few of her exs by flirting online. She broke the rental agreement that was signed by both of us by contacting the landlord and telling him that we broke up and that i decided to stay overseas.

I felt betrayed and i was furious when i found all that out. Since i cared about my girlfriend and felt bad for maybe not being helpful i decided to re connect with her. After some holidays overseas to reconnect i came back to stay 2 months in my condo with her and her mom. Her mom instantly made me feel like i was a stranger in my own place and couple bad arguments happened with her. My girlfriend got upset but i decided to apologize and then avoid any contact with her mom to avoid upsetting my girlfriend.

She then promised me after the 2 months there that she will tell her mom to leave and take her own place but after few weeks she told me that we should break up and that she decided to stay with her mom. After a couple weeks trying to discuss she apologized and just told me that i should just accept the fact to live with her mom. I have been overseas in my hometown working and not seeing my girlfriend since almost a year and i had to deal with that situation all along. She came to visit last june for a few days and told me that things was fine and that we will be takin a larger place soon for all of us.
Few days ago i discovered that the landlords told her that she needs to leave the condo since he was coming back in a couple months to live back there. I then discovered that she was looking at places and eventually a mortgage without telling me a word about it and told me that she thought the relationships won't work probably because she was scared that i dont like her mom etc....

I dont know what to feel or how to handle that at all. I was searching online to find similar stories but i never found a story online where a women brings by force her mother into a relationship like that.

Something important to mention is that i am an entrepreneur so i didn't had regular incomes for a while and my girlfriend was working and dealing with the majority of the bills. She agreed on that saying that i should focus on building my business and that she was there to cover and help. I have a feeling that i made a big mistake by trusting her because she used that against me after saying that she was paying everything so i had no say in anything. She became all the sudden individual because it was perfect for her and her mom agenda.

I will appreciate some advices.

Thank you for takin the time to read all that.

Simon.

I have read your post as well your comments for the others. This is my tiny bits to say. It does not make sens if you have 8 years relationship or 80 when one person feels "we have been together less than 80 hours" your total post keep saying I was overseas. I had holidays overseas. Did you ever have life together with your girl friend? Did you go to a film together had a meal together? These things count on a relationship. Being overseas and then you complain that your girl friend flirt online with her exes? How you know? hack her computer spy her mobile?
what I understand you felt betrayed that she took her mom inside of the house , She is paying the major bills, she try to find a house for her and her mother self, and you don't like it because you cannot be a control freak when you have no control for the rental papers right? And she already told you that better break up because relationship is not working. Why don't you accept the fact that every thing messed up due to you being on overseas holidays or what ever it calls?
If I were you I would work on my self to develop more function in a relationship as a man instead of complaining and controlling. Good luck