Is it right that i still feel horrible? (boyfriend, girls, love)
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So here's what's up......Basically i dated a girl (and made out for the first time) when i was 13. We started writing a lot and really feel in sync, we had smething now I'm 19 and people change, but I've always been (especially at that time) very shy, and well not the type of guy girls would "ooo" at, even though i was good looking i never was considered "cool", probably due to my lack of confidence, good school performance and generally i tried treating everyone as well as i could no matter what. So back to the point; this was the first girl to like me genuinely and she really made me happy and feel important. So we go out together after a month of talking (which i loved) and well we have an amazing time and end up kissing....my first real kiss. As with many people and many new things you get easily attached to the person you connect new things....but i genuinely really liked her besides that she was "my first". we go out again, continuously telling eachother like a young teen with, without giving much weight to the meaning, i love you, you're amazing and all that cheesy yet fun and nice to hear stuff. We go out again and i try to kiss her, but she turns her head smiling. Think she's joking so i try again and she does the same thing.....I ask and she explains that she had a bf and that she was cheating on him with me..... agirl i talked with for months happily and my first kiss, was a dishonest person :/ i felt horrible....after that i didn't think she took it seriously from how she explained so I thought she was just confused or that she was acting hard to get even with her boyfriend or something....i don't know i was a 13 year old shy nice guy and very naive and stupid. so we ust change the conversation, talk a lot and then i try kissing her and she laughs so i thought we were having fun i grab her face gently and try to kiss her....shes laughing her ass off so i try to get her face straight and keep trying to kiss her on the lips, i wasn't myself she was smiling and laughing and hugging me so i thought she saw it as a game even though i was putting more "force" on the face. so i beg her to make out only once saying "you alrady cheated" so she didnt want to but after going on with the game she kisses me on the lips normal. Already this part makes me feel like a disgusting horrrible human being....i really have no excuse i know and i only want me to forgive myself now but i really saw it as a game and i wasnt myself at all. after a while she says she has to go back home i say ok but first we make out or you're not going home so i do that game again (we're under her house) and i try to kiss her not letting her pass and she laughs a lot and plays along, but then she reaches for the intercom button and i forcingly try pulling her arms away and saying we ahve to make out first ...she laughs a lot but after a bit she backs off and starts crying. I tell her I am so sorry and i thought she was joking and taking it as a game, and that either way i wasn't myself and i obviously let her go up at that point. We had a long discussion and she forgave me after a while we went out again as friends another couple of times and everything was fine...but then we lost contact but that's another story, still friends though. Point is that I feel like, and i potentially did, rape her even though that's not how i saw it in any way at the time. And no matter if you has forgiven me and knows i wasnt myself or whatever i feel like that will haunt me for life and that i will never forgive myself, never be peace again, and to make things worse i just thought of it again 6 years after! and before i was at peace with it. I don't know what to do and i have no way of contacting her jsut to talk about it.....(it's been so many years). And I know that there's not much anyone can do but i want to hear opinions no matter how harsh they may be. Thank you.
You were 13 years old. She was 13 years old. You're 19 now, you need to forget about it and concentrate on enjoying your life now. Think about the future and what you want to accomplish. Perseverating over a childish thing so many years ago is counter productive to living a healthy, fun life now. If you really can't let this go then you need to talk to a counselor about it, it's unhealthy.
It happened 6 years ago. That's a long time, for a kid. The important thing is that you understand you did something wrong. You'll never do anything like that again, right? Lesson learned? Forgive yourself now, and move on. If you can't let go of it, go to the counseling center at your university (you're in school, right?), and have a couple of sessions with a counselor to get it off your chest.
So here's what's up......Basically I dated a girl (and made out for the first time) when I was 13. We started writing a lot and really feel in sync, we had something now I'm 19 and people change, but I've always been (especially at that time) very shy, and well not the type of guy girls would "0" at, even though I was good looking I never was considered "cool", probably due to my lack of confidence, good school performance and generally I tried treating everyone as well as I could no matter what. So back to the point, this was the first girl to like me genuinely and she really made me happy and feel important. So we go out together after a month of talking (which I loved) and well we have an amazing time and end up kissing....my first real kiss.
As with many people and many new things you get easily attached to the person you connect new things....but I genuinely really liked her besides that she was "my first". we go out again, continuously telling each other like a young teen with, without giving much weight to the meaning, I love you, you're amazing and all that cheesy yet fun and nice to hear stuff. We go out again and I try to kiss her, but she turns her head smiling. Think she's joking so I try again and she does the same thing.....I ask and she explains that she had a bf and that she was cheating on him with me..... a girl I talked with for months happily and my first kiss, was a dishonest person :/ I felt horrible....after that I didn't think she took it seriously from how she explained so I thought she was just confused or that she was acting hard to get even with her boyfriend or something....
I don't know I was a 13 year old shy nice guy and very naive and stupid. so we us change the conversation, talk a lot and then I try kissing her and she laughs so I thought we were having fun Ii grab her face gently and try to kiss her....shes laughing her ass off so I try to get her face straight and keep trying to kiss her on the lips, I wasn't myself she was smiling and laughing and hugging me so I thought she saw it as a game even though I was putting more "force" on the face. so I beg her to make out only once saying "you already cheated" so she didn't want to but after going on with the game she kisses me on the lips normal. Already this part makes me feel like a disgusting horrible human being....I really have no excuse I know and I only want me to forgive myself now but I really saw it as a game and I wasnt myself at all.
After a while she says she has to go back home I say ok but first we make out or you're not going home so I do that game again (we're under her house) and I try to kiss her not letting her pass and she laughs a lot and plays along, but then she reaches for the intercom button and I forcingly try pulling her arms away and saying we have to make out first ...she laughs a lot but after a bit she backs off and starts crying. I tell her I am so sorry and I thought she was joking and taking it as a game, and that either way I wasn't myself and I obviously let her go up at that point.
We had a long discussion and she forgave me after a while we went out again as friends another couple of times and everything was fine...but then we lost contact but that's another story, still friends though. Point is that I feel like, and I potentially did,rape her even though that's not how I saw it in any way at the time. And no matter if you has forgiven me and knows I wasnt myself or whatever I feel like that will haunt me for life and that I will never forgive myself, never be peace again, and to make things worse I just thought of it again 6 years after! and before I was at peace with it. I don't know what to do and I have no way of contacting her jsut to talk about it.....(it's been so many years). And I know that there's not much anyone can do but I want to hear opinions no matter how harsh they may be. Thank you.
Aah that is better, phew !!!
I am quiet lost with your post. what you mean by "I potentially did,rape her" kissing her ??and what you really saw as a game kissing her? Was there anything other than that happened than kissing is that why you are down as you grown up? seems counseling will be best for you!
Aah that is better, phew !!!
I am quiet lost with your post. what you mean by "I potentially did,rape her" kissing her ??and what you really saw as a game kissing her? Was there anything other than that happened than kissing is that why you are down as you grown up? seems counseling will be best for you!
No absolutely not. I just feel like trying to make her kiss me (even though she seemed to be having fun and laughed and smiled while I did it) is a form of rape.
And as soon as she backed off and started crying I snapped out of it and felt horrible and just told her that I had no idea she was actually feeling horrible and I went back home and she went up to her home
The only part that has really traumatized me is the part where I try to forcingly pull her arms away from the intercom....there I really lost controlled. Nothing happened and she has forgiven me and everything's "fine". Yes what I did is inexcusable but the most horrible part IMO was where I stop her for going up to her home unless she makes out with me. Then she backs off starts crying, and I obviously apologize and tell her it wasn't my intention and I had no idea she got scared....so I did not rape her (kiss rape if that's a thing) and it was at no point my intention....but that's basically what happened objectively I guess....
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now I'm 19 and people change, but I've always been (especially at that time) very shy, and well not the type of guy girls would "ooo" at, even though i was good looking i never was considered "cool", probably due to my lack of confidence, good school performance and generally i tried treating everyone as well as i could no matter what. So back to the point; this was the first girl to like me genuinely and she really made me happy and feel important. So we go out together after a month of talking (which i loved) and well we have an amazing time and end up kissing....my first real kiss. As with many people and many new things you get easily attached to the person you connect new things....but i genuinely really liked her besides that she was "my first". we go out again, continuously telling eachother like a young teen with, without giving much weight to the meaning, i love you, you're amazing and all that cheesy yet fun and nice to hear stuff. We go out again and i try to kiss her, but she turns her head smiling. Think she's joking so i try again and she does the same thing.....I ask and she explains that she had a bf and that she was cheating on him with me..... agirl i talked with for months happily and my first kiss, was a dishonest person :/ i felt horrible....after that i didn't think she took it seriously from how she explained so I thought she was just confused or that she was acting hard to get even with her boyfriend or something....i don't know i was a 13 year old shy nice guy and very naive and stupid. so we ust change the conversation, talk a lot and then i try kissing her and she laughs so i thought we were having fun i grab her face gently and try to kiss her....shes laughing her ass off so i try to get her face straight and keep trying to kiss her on the lips, i wasn't myself she was smiling and laughing and hugging me so i thought she saw it as a game even though i was putting more "force" on the face. so i beg her to make out only once saying "you alrady cheated" so she didnt want to but after going on with the game she kisses me on the lips normal. Already this part makes me feel like a disgusting horrrible human being....i really have no excuse i know and i only want me to forgive myself now but i really saw it as a game and i wasnt myself at all. after a while she says she has to go back home i say ok but first we make out or you're not going home so i do that game again (we're under her house) and i try to kiss her not letting her pass and she laughs a lot and plays along, but then she reaches for the intercom button and i forcingly try pulling her arms away and saying we ahve to make out first ...she laughs a lot but after a bit she backs off and starts crying. I tell her I am so sorry and i thought she was joking and taking it as a game, and that either way i wasn't myself and i obviously let her go up at that point. We had a long discussion and she forgave me after a while we went out again as friends another couple of times and everything was fine...but then we lost contact but that's another story, still friends though. Point is that I feel like, and i potentially did, rape her even though that's not how i saw it in any way at the time. And no matter if you has forgiven me and knows i wasnt myself or whatever i feel like that will haunt me for life and that i will never forgive myself, never be peace again, and to make things worse i just thought of it again 6 years after! and before i was at peace with it. I don't know what to do and i have no way of contacting her jsut to talk about it.....(it's been so many years). And I know that there's not much anyone can do but i want to hear opinions no matter how harsh they may be. Thank you.
