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Hello, I'm seeking advice and I hope you can offer something good and wholesome.
I've been dating for the last year or so and I've struggled to close the deal on anything meaningful or substantial. Getting the dates has been a tedious process, but not impossible. I've been using resources such as OKCupid, Meetups, and some small groups I'm involved in. In summary, I seem to attract some pretty outrageous girls. By that, I mean they are a little on the crazy end of the spectrum. Either they are way too clingy for me, they are controlling/jealous, and/or I'm just not that attracted to them. On the contrary, I can't seem to attract the types of girls I am looking for. I wouldn't consider myself too picky. I am looking for someone who has their life together, takes care of themselves (eats fairly well, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc.), and is upbeat. And obviously there has to be a level of attraction.
As for myself, I've been making a sincere effort to improve myself. After all, there's no use in having expectations of someone else when I have none for myself. I'm college educated, I have a decent white-collar job, I exercise routinely, and don't smoke/do drugs. I'm a bit introverted, but I make an effort to talk to people. I have a decent amount of friends, so I consider myself to be sociable and amicable. I can't, for the life of me, determine if I'm doing anything wrong.
Most recently, I met this girl who is from my home state and we seem to hit it off. I took her out on a date last week and we met up this week to watch some sports and have some drinks. We kissed on both occasions for what that's worth. However, she's not very aggressive in reaching out to me or initiating things. I've been the aggressor thus far. She is responsive nonetheless and willing to participate; she's just not showing a lot of initiative. Is this considered a bad sign by the way?
At this point in my life, I'm definitely much more serious about finding a meaningful, lasting relationship. I'm definitely not interested in any casual hook up culture. I just seem to be struggling in making this happen. What are some suggestions you have about improving opportunities and chances? The good guy/nice guy/outgoing guy strategy seems to be failing me miserably, at least in terms of closing the deal.
Perhaps the girl is appearing to not show initiative because it's been burned into her brain that the guy is supposed to, that the girl is not supposed to chase, call, etc.
Establishing the relationship, as in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Thus far, it's just been dates. One girl heavily pursued me, but I wasn't very interested in her for a variety of reasons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aneye4detail
Perhaps the girl is appearing to not show initiative because it's been burned into her brain that the guy is supposed to, that the girl is not supposed to chase, call, etc.
I was talking to a female friend of mine and this is what she suggested. I don't mind doing the chasing, so to speak, but I also don't want to come across as too aggressive or clingy because I know that's a turn off for me personally. It'd be nice to have a little reciprocity. What do you think the balance is? A check-in text per day? We went out on Sunday and should see each other in the next day or two. I was thinking about establishing something with her for this upcoming weekend. I just haven't decided when to do it (either over text or in person when I see her this week).
Most recently, I met this girl who is from my home state and we seem to hit it off. I took her out on a date last week and we met up this week to watch some sports and have some drinks. We kissed on both occasions for what that's worth. However, she's not very aggressive in reaching out to me or initiating things. I've been the aggressor thus far. She is responsive nonetheless and willing to participate; she's just not showing a lot of initiative. Is this considered a bad sign by the way?
At this point in my life, I'm definitely much more serious about finding a meaningful, lasting relationship. I'm definitely not interested in any casual hook up culture. I just seem to be struggling in making this happen. What are some suggestions you have about improving opportunities and chances? The good guy/nice guy/outgoing guy strategy seems to be failing me miserably, at least in terms of closing the deal.
Thank you for reading.
To recap: you've been on 2 dates with her so far. And you're expecting what--that she'll be all over you? Dude, she barely knows you! At 2 dates you should be considering it's a good sign she wants to be with you at all. Most dudes here would be happy they got to date 2. Give her time to warm up to you. Women need more time that way, in some cases. How's conversation going, are you guys clicking? Can you even tell?
And btw, what deal are you trying to close? You've already got a couple of dates, that's some pretty good deal-closing right there. A meaningful, lasting, intimate relationship takes time to build, it doesn't just suddenly fall in your lap full-blown after 2 dates, not usually. For all you know, your date could be on the exact, same page, wanting the same kind of relationship as you. But her way of getting there is probably by taking things slowly. That's what it sounds like, from what you've told us. Maybe.
To recap: you've been on 2 dates with her so far. And you're expecting what--that she'll be all over you? Dude, she barely knows you! At 2 dates you should be considering it's a good sign she wants to be with you at all. Most dudes here would be happy they got to date 2. Give her time to warm up to you. Women need more time that way, in some cases. How's conversation going, are you guys clicking? Can you even tell?
Yes, as far as I can tell, things definitely seem to be going well. Our conversations are good. It helps that we are from the same state now that we are living out of state.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
And btw, what deal are you trying to close? You've already got a couple of dates, that's some pretty good deal-closing right there. A meaningful, lasting, intimate relationship takes time to build, it doesn't just suddenly fall in your lap full-blown after 2 dates, not usually. For all you know, your date could be on the exact, same page, wanting the same kind of relationship as you. But her way of getting there is probably by taking things slowly. That's what it sounds like, from what you've told us. Maybe.
Closing the deal meaning establishing a relationship with someone (no, not just sex ). With this particular girl I mentioned here, I agree that things are certainly progressing, perhaps at a slower pace than I'm used to. I was more or less generalizing though about my experience over the last year. I've been on a number of dates and somehow they just fizzled out.
One of my male friends has been getting in my head about these things. He argues that there's a point where you have to cross that threshold from friendly guy to the guy she wants to be with intimately in order to avoid getting "friendzoned". I don't want to be too pushy, because that's just not in my character to do so. However, I am concerned that maybe I'm being too friendly and not showing enough intimacy with some of these women. I feel good about the idea that this girl and I have at least already crossed the physical threshold by kissing on a couple of occasions. I'll chalk that up to a good thing in regards to my concerns.
Establishing the relationship, as in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Thus far, it's just been dates. One girl heavily pursued me, but I wasn't very interested in her for a variety of reasons.
I was talking to a female friend of mine and this is what she suggested. I don't mind doing the chasing, so to speak, but I also don't want to come across as too aggressive or clingy because I know that's a turn off for me personally. It'd be nice to have a little reciprocity. What do you think the balance is? A check-in text per day? We went out on Sunday and should see each other in the next day or two. I was thinking about establishing something with her for this upcoming weekend. I just haven't decided when to do it (either over text or in person when I see her this week).
Also - some women are ridiculously passive in relationships, almost to the point of annoyance. They always go along, and if you ask them, they say they like you and want more, but never take any initiative themselves. Sometime down the road, if you get serious, they *might* improve somewhat but some don't.
Me, I prefer women that are agressive enough that there's no doubt what they want, even if I still end up being the leader/pursuer overall.
To recap: you've been on 2 dates with her so far. And you're expecting what--that she'll be all over you? Dude, she barely knows you! At 2 dates you should be considering it's a good sign she wants to be with you at all. Most dudes here would be happy they got to date 2. Give her time to warm up to you. Women need more time that way, in some cases. How's conversation going, are you guys clicking? Can you even tell?
And btw, what deal are you trying to close? You've already got a couple of dates, that's some pretty good deal-closing right there. A meaningful, lasting, intimate relationship takes time to build, it doesn't just suddenly fall in your lap full-blown after 2 dates, not usually. For all you know, your date could be on the exact, same page, wanting the same kind of relationship as you. But her way of getting there is probably by taking things slowly. That's what it sounds like, from what you've told us. Maybe.
That all makes sense, but I get the OP's point. If she at least sent him an unprovoked text or call once in a while. She was willing to kiss him, so that tells me that while it's a legit point she might not be sure how she feels yet (since women take longer to "fall for" a guy), she should show SOME interest, somehow, without him having to feel like he's dragging it out of her. I know that type, I dated that type when I was younger. So passive you're not sure she's even alive sometimes.
Also - some women are ridiculously passive in relationships, almost to the point of annoyance. They always go along, and if you ask them, they say they like you and want more, but never take any initiative themselves. Sometime down the road, if you get serious, they *might* improve somewhat but some don't.
Me, I prefer women that are agressive enough that there's no doubt what they want, even if I still end up being the leader/pursuer overall.
I'm there with you. At the very least, I would certainly appreciate a text message or phone call from time to time. It signifies to me that they are thinking about me.
Yes, as far as I can tell, things definitely seem to be going well. Our conversations are good. It helps that we are from the same state now that we are living out of state.
Closing the deal meaning establishing a relationship with someone (no, not just sex ). With this particular girl I mentioned here, I agree that things are certainly progressing, perhaps at a slower pace than I'm used to. I was more or less generalizing though about my experience over the last year. I've been on a number of dates and somehow they just fizzled out.
One of my male friends has been getting in my head about these things. He argues that there's a point where you have to cross that threshold from friendly guy to the guy she wants to be with intimately in order to avoid getting "friendzoned". I don't want to be too pushy, because that's just not in my character to do so. However, I am concerned that maybe I'm being too friendly and not showing enough intimacy with some of these women. I feel good about the idea that this girl and I have at least already crossed the physical threshold by kissing on a couple of occasions. I'll chalk that up to a good thing in regards to my concerns.
A kiss on the 1st date and on the 2nd date? No friend-zoning going on there. Don't listen to chumps. Let things evolve. You're focussing too much on scoring and not enough on enjoying the dates, at least from what we see here.
It's tough out there for women. In your post you complain about women who are "way too clingy" and then you complain about a woman who hasn't initiated contact after 2 dates. Can you imagine how tough it is for single women to try to establish a reasonable balance between these two extremes?
Many women believe the guy should do all the pursuing (lest they be labeled "crazy"). I think she will start initiating more once you've been out a few more times and have established a mutual interest.
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). With this particular girl I mentioned here, I agree that things are certainly progressing, perhaps at a slower pace than I'm used to. I was more or less generalizing though about my experience over the last year. I've been on a number of dates and somehow they just fizzled out. 
