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Old 01-01-2008, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 5,819,333 times
Reputation: 1719

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You've stated that her daughter is willing to stay with her dad for up to 4 hours, which is fairly reasonable for a 5 yr old. It could be she starts to feel really insecure without her mother, but your girlfriend has to be the one to make the decision to encourage her to be more independent. Can't the two of you take the day off together occasionally while the daughter is in school? If she works that late, and her daughter is already with someone in the evenings, personally, I don't think it's unusual for a 5 year old to "miss" mommy when she's gone. Also, although he is her father, that doesn't mean she is that close to him and most 5 yr olds aren't ready to stay the night away from home.

I think it's great that your girlfriend cares so much about her daughters feelings. I've seen a lot of single mothers that can't wait to pawn their kids off on someone while they go out every weekend. However, if she cares as much about you as you do for her, she''ll make more of an effort to arrange things so you could be alone SOMETIMES. I don't agree though with the person that said she is "lucky" you want to date her with having a child. If you can't be bothered to share her, than you shouldn't trouble her with your presence at all IMO.

If it can't be worked out to your satisfaction, you may just need to be with someone childless or with older children.

Last edited by floridadreamer; 01-01-2008 at 12:19 PM..
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Old 01-01-2008, 12:54 PM
 
Location: NJ
7,129 posts, read 13,850,341 times
Reputation: 3873
Quote:
Originally Posted by Midgeure View Post
when we first started to date my girlfriend didnt have a job and her daughter was 3 so her daughter would stay with relaitives etc without a fuss. Now her daughter stamps her feet and says 'No Im not staying at my Aunts or my Dads!' er dad and her aunt have offered to have her for the evening, which would be from like 5 - 8pm. But my girlfriend has to always rush back to pick her up and get her ready for bed. Her daughter will do that but wont stay over night anywhere. Maybe I just have to accept that.
Do you have any kids?

Every kid is different.. You've been with your GF for 2 years; while the girl used to stay with relatives, she's not liking that right now. You mentioned something happened in the summer but never said what.

5 is young.. she's now going to school and is being watched by her GM. When mom gets home from work it's probably time to cook, maybe do homework and take a bath, go to bed. How much quality time does the girl get with her mom?

Depending on how often you are at her house, the girl may feel jealous of you being with her mom. At 14, I still make time one on one with my daughter, we go out and shop or something so that she gets the alone mommy time.

How is her relationship with her dad? Does he have a room for her? The girl should be spending time with her dad, every other weekend, if not more. If she can't handle sleep overs, then he can pick her up for the day & bring her back.. surely that's enough time to spend with your GF?

You mention someone watching her from 5-8, is that during the week when she has school the next day? If you want to take your GF out to dinner during the week, why not take the girl also?

If you really care about your GF, then you'll learn to deal with trying to fit alone time into her life with her daughter. It isn't easy.. we all can give you opinions but we aren't there, we don't know any of you. When I was dating my husband he used to come over my house so that I could put my kids to bed, then we'd hang out and watch TV until he had to go. My kids always had a bed time, so while we didn't get much alone time during the week, it was some.
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Old 01-01-2008, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Peoples Republic of Cali
9,595 posts, read 4,876,412 times
Reputation: 5400
You are already showing resentment towards the child, you need to move on, for your and the childs sake, you'll just end up being an evil stepparent otherwise....
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Old 01-31-2008, 04:07 PM
 
5 posts, read 13,046 times
Reputation: 11
she treats my kids poorly and favors her kid makes me think she may not be a good mother
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Old 02-01-2008, 01:58 PM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,980 posts, read 18,981,532 times
Reputation: 10491
Quote:
Originally Posted by Midgeure View Post
I really need some advice here please?

My girlfriend has a 5 year old and my girlfriends 5 year old doesnt want to stay with a babysitter, her dad, or her Aunt or anyother relative. Which means that my girlfriend and I NEVER get alone time together. My girlfriend said 'Well if she doesnt wanna stay with anyone but me then she doesnt have to, so thats just the way it is!' I remember my Mum and Dad leaving me with a relative while they went out for the evening etc when I was a kid and I never wanted that to happen and whined to get my own way but as a Child you shouldnt always get what you want should you? Basically I think my girlfriend should leave her daughter with a sitter atleast one night a week or one night every 2weeks so we can have some alone time even if her daughter doesnt want too. It feels to me like shes spoiling her child and seems like she doesnt really value our relationship.

Should I accept that? I mean I always thought it was essensial for a couple to have alone time together, atleast 1 evening a week or every 2 weeks? Dont you think? But pratically NEVER???
I think your girlfriend needs to learn how to do a better job a juggling her parenting responsibilities and her responsibilities to you. If she cant find one day per week to spend alone time with you I say you should let her know that its not going to work between you.

When I met my wife, her son was 4 years old. But lucky for me, she only had him three nights of the week (M, W, Th) and the other days he was with his dad so we had plenty of time to spend together. She knew that if she had him for more days/time than that I would never have dated her. Now he's 13 and still only with us 3 days of the week and the arrangement is great.
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Old 02-02-2008, 02:33 AM
 
107 posts, read 10,364 times
Reputation: 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Midgeure View Post
I really need some advice here please?

My girlfriend has a 5 year old and my girlfriends 5 year old doesnt want to stay with a babysitter, her dad, or her Aunt or anyother relative. Which means that my girlfriend and I NEVER get alone time together. My girlfriend said 'Well if she doesnt wanna stay with anyone but me then she doesnt have to, so thats just the way it is!' I remember my Mum and Dad leaving me with a relative while they went out for the evening etc when I was a kid and I never wanted that to happen and whined to get my own way but as a Child you shouldnt always get what you want should you? Basically I think my girlfriend should leave her daughter with a sitter atleast one night a week or one night every 2weeks so we can have some alone time even if her daughter doesnt want too. It feels to me like shes spoiling her child and seems like she doesnt really value our relationship.

Should I accept that? I mean I always thought it was essensial for a couple to have alone time together, atleast 1 evening a week or every 2 weeks? Dont you think? But pratically NEVER???
okay why are you with this lady if she has children? Maybe you have children and then I understand but why date a lady with this child? I think maybe best thing to leave this lady and find another without children. See many people do not get abortion and this is why we have these problems. I see many women that are beaten up and abused but stay with there husband because nobody else wants to date these people.
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Old 02-02-2008, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Marietta, GA
857 posts, read 3,274,013 times
Reputation: 707
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stacy K View Post
okay why are you with this lady if she has children? Maybe you have children and then I understand but why date a lady with this child? I think maybe best thing to leave this lady and find another without children. See many people do not get abortion and this is why we have these problems. I see many women that are beaten up and abused but stay with there husband because nobody else wants to date these people.
You're kidding... right???
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Old 02-02-2008, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Marietta, GA
857 posts, read 3,274,013 times
Reputation: 707
Midgeure, My son was 5 when I divorced his dad. He became very clingy for a while. I would have friends or relatives come by and babysit and I would go out, even if I had noplace to go but the supermarket, just to "socialize" him so that he would realize that when I leave I always come back.
I made a decision when he was young that I wouldn't remarry, or even let someone stay overnight, as long as my son was home. He was my responsiblity to raise, and I really didn't want any input from a "step-dad". Frankly, I didn't coddle him and I tried to prepare him for the real world. He was not at all spoiled. But because I socialized him from an early age I had enough time for myself on weekends when he would stay with his dad or grandma or his uncle. It worked out fine for all concerned because he had my undivided attention during the week and my boyfriend had it on the weekend.
You are not going to change the way your girlfriend parents her daughter, nor should you try. Each parent is responsible for doing the best job they can, and it is up to them to decide what that is. I don't agree with what she is doing. Her daughter will be too dependent on her. But it's her call to make, not mine and not yours.
If you are thinking long-term and would like to have a family some day I would recommend that you keep looking. If you disagree with her parenting skills it will be worse when it's your own child. Find someoen who agrees with your philosophy on raising children because otherwise the family that you create will become a wedge between you.
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Old 02-02-2008, 08:01 PM
 
730 posts, read 1,399,228 times
Reputation: 710
I am a single mother and I always make it known that my children come first, however I also have a boyfriend of 2 years ( who does not have children). I understand you GF not wanting to leave the child overnight but not allowing you 2 ANY time alone-This says to me that her relationship with you is NOT a priority. If this continues it will not work! Even married couples occasionally need time away from the kids. IMO it is not healthy for your GF as a person to have no life what so ever outside parenting not to mention how unhealthy it is for her child to always call the shots and to have no relationship with other adults.I don't pawn my children off at any chance but I do wish to have relationships and other sides to my persona besides mom. I actually feel both myself and my kids feel refreshed and more patient with each other after even small breaks apart.I agree that child should come first- BUT WHAT YOU ARE ASKING FOR IS NOT UNREASONABLE! I would not expect anyone to date me if I never spent time with just them.
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Old 02-03-2008, 06:10 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,247,832 times
Reputation: 917
This is why I chose not to date until my daughter is grown. Speculating on the motive of a child that was in diapers a few years ago is just wrong.

You have basically put the weight of your relationship on a cherub that wakes up everyday wondering if this day will be the same as the previous.

Child need stability, rituals and are comforted by consistency.

Cut the poor kid some slack.
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