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Original Poster: You need to get a grip on your anger and physical violence issues, seek therapy immediately for that.
You also need to take care of the cancer and do what is necessary to get that under control.
Before any of that happens though, you need to get this guys things completely out of your home and break all contact completely, 100%.
No texts, emails, phone calls, late night visits, absolutely no form of contact at all, change the locks on your door.
If he contacts you somehow or shows up at your door tell him you will be filing a restraining order (this will sort of protect both of you) and you will have him arrested for going against the restraining order.
If I were you I would tell him to do the same (again, protecting both of you).
There is nothing wrong with Hooters. Their breaded chicken sandwich smothered in hot sauce is to die for ... At least the ones I have been to. Yeah it is a little low brow but so ****ing what Hooters is not a strip club.
You did tell him you just wanted to be friends. So how in the hell do you get mad at him for going to a strip club. You don't really get to have that much of a say as to what he does when just friends. What you perhaps should be angered about is his returning to bed with you. Did you set a clear boundary in this regard in your "let's be friends" talk?
Probably a lot more background but just from what you write you sound to be very controlling.
There is nothing wrong with Hooters. Their breaded chicken sandwich smothered in hot sauce is to die for ... At least the ones I have been to. Yeah it is a little low brow but so ****ing what Hooters is not a strip club.
You did tell him you just wanted to be friends. So how in the hell do you get mad at him for going to a strip club. You don't really get to have that much of a say as to what he does when just friends. What you perhaps should be angered about is his returning to bed with you. Did you set a clear boundary in this regard in your "let's be friends" talk?
Probably a lot more background but just from what you write you sound to be very controlling.
If she wants to be just friends, why is she saying they're engaged? Has she broken off the engagement? Who stays engaged for 5 years?
If she wants to be just friends, why is she saying they're engaged? Has she broken off the engagement? Who stays engaged for 5 years?
More than 25 years ago I had a supervisor that had been engaged for 13 years, they finally set a wedding date, got married, moved into the same home.
Were divorced in less than 2 years, moved into separate homes again, became engaged again and are still together.
I didn't even finish reading your post because this is clearly a highly toxic relationship. I cannot imagine why anyone would want to live this way. Being alone is peaceful and would be so much better for your health. Give it a shot! Also, did you ever have a social worker or therapist on your treatment team? If not, find one.
A sum up of our relationship... together 10 years, engaged for 5 yrs, live together in my condo, no kids, I was diagnosed with cancer last year and he was my rock and caregiver, we've been on and off for years, complete opposites, lots of arguements, lack of romance/passion/intimacy, he has great supportive family, but he's selfish, I have a bad temper and emotions are all over the place with him, and we are best friends but can bring out the worst in one another.
So this past weekend, he decided to go out and lie to me and act very sneaky. He never deletes anything from his phone but I looked in it and texts/calls were deleted. I found out he went to Hooters with his buddy while lying to me about where he was going. He didn't even bother apologizing or anything. He thinks he did nothing wrong. All he had to do was be straight up about where he was going and I wouldn't really give a crap. I called him 5 times while he was in there and no answer. I KNEW he was there b/c i went there and saw his friends car. I texted him to get his a$$ outside or I'm going in there to make a scene. Him and his friend come out in like 2 minutes and get in the car and drive away. I mean, how many times has he done this before?!! If your going to be sneaky about this, what else have you been sneaky about before?
The next day, I told him that I can't deal with being disrespected and lied to so we should just be friends. It's like that anyways. We live like roomates. After him seeing me at my worst and being my caregiver, I guess alot of the attraction faded and he looks at me in a different way. I was bald after losing my hair, lost alot of weight, and had a huge fat face for months b/c of high doses or steroids...We haven't been able to get back the intimacy. It's like we both don't even bother or try. I dont have the desire to even kiss him anymore. He doesn't ever dress up or put the effort into looking nice and there's no attraction ya know? He drinks alot every other weekend and its a huge turn off too. His friends are all losers and he doesn't even bother planning anything for me but can drop everything and hang out w his buddies. We haven't even been on a date in years, I mean - after surviving Leukemia, don't I deserve a little love?! Like a special night out or something? My 30th birthday was last month and I left work early to find him trying to leave my house early to go out and get me a birthday card. He planned nothing and ended up not even coming to dinner with me and my family b/c he was tired from working all day... He doesn't help much in the house, he only cooks dinner and contributes towards rent. I really don't know whats positive anymore now that I am writing this out - but I really am more of a negative person when it comes to talking about my relationship. I only see the bad and have no idea why.
Anyways, the next night after the hooters situation and me telling him we should just be friends - he decides to go to an all nude strip club with a bunch of his friends. He came home at 3:30am and layed in bed next to me. His phone went off and it was a text. I waiting for him to fall alseep and I checked it. He deleted everything but the strip clubs web site. I flipped the hell out!!! who really texted you? why is everything deleted? doesn't make sense and he never deletes anything.
I kicked him out of the room and got physical. My anger takes over so bad that its not good. It's not healthy. He makes me feel unwanted, and miserable really. The next morning, I told him to pack up and get out. I cannot sit there and get walked on and treated like that... BUT, AM I OVER REACTING? my friend and family say I really need to end this already, if I don't I'm a fool. And I admit it, they are right. It's extrememly extremely diffucult for me to say goodbye to someone who helped me fight cancer in the hospital and has been in my life for 10 years. It's hard you know. But I need to let go in order to see if there's someone better out there for me. In ways, I don't feel "in love" and feel like I'm trying to force it and waiting for him to suddenly change his selfish irresponsible ways.
What do you think of this? Am I crazy for staying? Should I keep it moving? My condo is for sale b/c we were planning on moving into a house up north for a little bit. I cannot afford the place on my own anymore and don't really want to move back into my parents house at 30 yrs old! My life is really in shambles...
I'm confused and heart broken. He's at his dads and moved 80% of his things out yet again. His way of apologizing is thru text. He says he will never let me go, he will never give up, and that he will quit drinking but I've heard all these promises before. I mean, he is a good guy and has a good job, and would be a great father one day... but is he the right guy I need? I have no idea what to do next. I blocked him becuase apologies thru texts are ridiculous - he just doesn't care about me the way I want to be cared about. He will never get it I think... and one day when he does, I will be long gone.
Or is this something that's worth saving? I'm so damn confused.
I think he needs to stay gone. You are getting physical with him and that's not right. You also sound like a jealous old harpy. I'm sorry about your cancer, but that doesn't give you the right to stalk somebody and treat them like crap.
The guy helped take care of you while you were sick, he needs a break too, more than anyone, in my opinion.
Just let him go, and move on with your life. You've gotten a second chance for a reason; don't waste it.
A sum up of our relationship... together 10 years, engaged for 5 yrs, live together in my condo, no kids, I was diagnosed with cancer last year and he was my rock and caregiver, we've been on and off for years, complete opposites, lots of arguements, lack of romance/passion/intimacy, he has great supportive family, but he's selfish, I have a bad temper and emotions are all over the place with him, and we are best friends but can bring out the worst in one another.
So this past weekend, he decided to go out and lie to me and act very sneaky. He never deletes anything from his phone but I looked in it and texts/calls were deleted. I found out he went to Hooters with his buddy while lying to me about where he was going. He didn't even bother apologizing or anything. He thinks he did nothing wrong. All he had to do was be straight up about where he was going and I wouldn't really give a crap. I called him 5 times while he was in there and no answer. I KNEW he was there b/c i went there and saw his friends car. I texted him to get his a$$ outside or I'm going in there to make a scene. Him and his friend come out in like 2 minutes and get in the car and drive away. I mean, how many times has he done this before?!! If your going to be sneaky about this, what else have you been sneaky about before?
The next day, I told him that I can't deal with being disrespected and lied to so we should just be friends. It's like that anyways. We live like roomates. After him seeing me at my worst and being my caregiver, I guess alot of the attraction faded and he looks at me in a different way. I was bald after losing my hair, lost alot of weight, and had a huge fat face for months b/c of high doses or steroids...We haven't been able to get back the intimacy. It's like we both don't even bother or try. I dont have the desire to even kiss him anymore. He doesn't ever dress up or put the effort into looking nice and there's no attraction ya know? He drinks alot every other weekend and its a huge turn off too. His friends are all losers and he doesn't even bother planning anything for me but can drop everything and hang out w his buddies. We haven't even been on a date in years, I mean - after surviving Leukemia, don't I deserve a little love?! Like a special night out or something? My 30th birthday was last month and I left work early to find him trying to leave my house early to go out and get me a birthday card. He planned nothing and ended up not even coming to dinner with me and my family b/c he was tired from working all day... He doesn't help much in the house, he only cooks dinner and contributes towards rent. I really don't know whats positive anymore now that I am writing this out - but I really am more of a negative person when it comes to talking about my relationship. I only see the bad and have no idea why.
Anyways, the next night after the hooters situation and me telling him we should just be friends - he decides to go to an all nude strip club with a bunch of his friends. He came home at 3:30am and layed in bed next to me. His phone went off and it was a text. I waiting for him to fall alseep and I checked it. He deleted everything but the strip clubs web site. I flipped the hell out!!! who really texted you? why is everything deleted? doesn't make sense and he never deletes anything.
I kicked him out of the room and got physical. My anger takes over so bad that its not good. It's not healthy. He makes me feel unwanted, and miserable really. The next morning, I told him to pack up and get out. I cannot sit there and get walked on and treated like that... BUT, AM I OVER REACTING? my friend and family say I really need to end this already, if I don't I'm a fool. And I admit it, they are right. It's extrememly extremely diffucult for me to say goodbye to someone who helped me fight cancer in the hospital and has been in my life for 10 years. It's hard you know. But I need to let go in order to see if there's someone better out there for me. In ways, I don't feel "in love" and feel like I'm trying to force it and waiting for him to suddenly change his selfish irresponsible ways.
What do you think of this? Am I crazy for staying? Should I keep it moving? My condo is for sale b/c we were planning on moving into a house up north for a little bit. I cannot afford the place on my own anymore and don't really want to move back into my parents house at 30 yrs old! My life is really in shambles...
I'm confused and heart broken. He's at his dads and moved 80% of his things out yet again. His way of apologizing is thru text. He says he will never let me go, he will never give up, and that he will quit drinking but I've heard all these promises before. I mean, he is a good guy and has a good job, and would be a great father one day... but is he the right guy I need? I have no idea what to do next. I blocked him becuase apologies thru texts are ridiculous - he just doesn't care about me the way I want to be cared about. He will never get it I think... and one day when he does, I will be long gone.
Or is this something that's worth saving? I'm so damn confused.
He's not adding to your life and makes you feel unhappy.
I get that he was with you during your battle with Leukemia (btw congrats on your recovery!!), but you also mention he's selfish, acts sneaky, disrespects you, makes you feel unwanted..
I knew a guy who was with his fiance while she fought breast cancer, and he kept flirting with one of my friends trying to hook up and have sex with her complaining he doesn't get any since his fiance was fighting cancer. He was living with her too.
He's not showing loyalty or commitment to you. I don't even think you guys can stay friends.
Friends don't mistreat one another, and what he's shown you is indifference, which is opposite from love.
Jerk. You're not over-reacting at all. You're learning more about how selfish people act/behave. Through thick and thin. And, the moment life gets rough and the moment he bails, he's telling you information: he's not a stand-up person you want to marry or stay with in the long-run. He lacks integrity.
If the tables turned and he had cancer, I doubt you'd be running to male strip clubs, meeting new guys, lying and sneaking behind his back.
NewbiePoster nailed it pretty well, but this is the most important bit in my opinion.
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