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It took me years to rebuild, and cut every luxury from my life to do it. I also had a little luck on my side too. Now I own my home again, I am back to building a nest egg, I have investments again (and investment income) and I am saving about 25% of my income a month. And I am secure again. It's hard for me to imagine risking it all again. Then again, I also haven't met someone yet that I want in my life like that. So while I say no and I doubt I will remarry, I also never say never.
Move here to dreary Philly. NMGPA can use a dance partner.
This is me, I hate that I feel this way, but it's hard not to. Before I was married, I had a positive net worth (small, but positive) and no debt. The divorce gave me close to $60k in debt (debt my ex-husband wracked up and the upside down house). On top of that, he spent away ALL of the marital assets (including an inheritance I got of close to $40k from my grandmother) except $6000 before he told me he was leaving (and we had to split that). I had my retirement savings left, thank goodness. But I really couldn't it touch it to help me out.
How did that happen? How did he spend your inheritance? This is why some relatives put the inheritance into a trust. So the spouse can't get at the money. But wasn't that a red flag, him burning through money? And why was his name on that account?
How did that happen? How did he spend your inheritance? This is why some relatives put the inheritance into a trust. So the spouse can't get at the money. But wasn't that a red flag, him burning through money? And why was his name on that account?
Yeah it would be good I think for some here to be less hostile for the desire to protect assets when going into LTRs. But salt, wounds, rubbing and all that....
Move here to dreary Philly. NMGPA can use a dance partner.
Mmmm... dancing and water ice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
How did that happen? How did he spend your inheritance? This is why some relatives put the inheritance into a trust. So the spouse can't get at the money. But wasn't that a red flag, him burning through money? And why was his name on that account?
I was stupid (to put it bluntly). He was in charge of the finances and I never really double checked him. We put the inheritance in a money market account with both our names on it. It was supposed to be our "emergency fund."
We put everything in Quicken (computer program) and I would look at Quicken to see where were were financially--I didn't loko at or see statements (he intercepted them before I came home and tucked them away... but I also never asked about them). What I didn't know is he was spending money and not entering it on the computer. He also didn't put credit cards he had on the computer (just our one joint one).
I was also stupid because he was going things like going to these big, expensive marathons in other states and I didn't really ask where the money was going. Part of me wishes I could go back and smack myself in the head and say, "hello, McFly! money comes from SOMEWHERE." I was too trusting but part of that was because our marriage was already rocky and I didn't want to rock the boat more and fight. EDIT: I should add there were a lot of nickle and dimes things too. I saw the last statements right after he said he wanted a divorce... restaurant here, clothing store there, bar tab here, etc.
So yeah, he spent the money and that's his fault for doing that. But it's my fault for not asking questions, keeping my eye's open, being too timid, etc. Hard way to learn a lesson And now I am am distrustful... the other extreme end of things I guess. And also not a good thing to be, I know.
Last edited by jillabean; 10-23-2014 at 05:37 AM..
Yeah it was. But like I say, I am not blameless either. He may have actively done something to hurt me, but I passively did nothing which is also what hurt me. If I had been more active in the finances, it never would have happened.
But you know what, like I said before, I am back on my feet, got rid of the debt, own a home again, and am back to building up that nest egg/emergency account, etc. So lesson learned, but I am not ruined.
Most of my friends got married in their early twenties and by the time they were in their late 20's, early 30s, they were divorced with children. They all regret their decision of getting married and envy my responsibility free life. I guess I made the right choice.
Most of my friends got married in their early twenties and by the time they were in their late 20's, early 30s, they were divorced with children. They all regret their decision of getting married and envy my responsibility free life. I guess I made the right choice.
Once you are divorced, you are just as "free" as a single person--trust me on this. I am back to being just as free as I was before marriage (maybe more so since I went right from living with my parents to being married and now I am on my own). Unless you are saying they regretting having kids (which isn't necessarily tied to marriage these days).
All I regret is getting married to the person I got married to. I am not sour on marriage as an institution as it seems most of my friends and family who are married are still married. I am just gun-shy on me doing it again because of my experience.
Of my friends only I and one other person are divorced and still single (we are both women). Two men are divorced and remarried (and are happy). The men though, if it matters, both divorced after just a few years of marriage where my other friend and I were both married over 10 years. So I wonder if that has a lot to do with things too (at least for us). Of my 16 (8 couples) aunts and uncles, one uncle (and his ex-wife) are divorced. Of my 19 first cousins (19 couples in this case... my cousin and their spouse), 2 are divorced (Of that 19, I have one cousin who has never married and one getting married this year).
So from my perspective, it's not most people divorce... it seems like most people stick together. Of course, we all have our own perspectives based on the people around us. In other family groups, I am sure most people do divorce.
Last edited by jillabean; 10-23-2014 at 07:02 AM..
Reason: Had to clarify... made it sound like I only had 8 aunts and uncles when I have 8 "sets" of aunts and uncles
I was stupid (to put it bluntly). He was in charge of the finances and I never really double checked him. We put the inheritance in a money market account with both our names on it. It was supposed to be our "emergency fund."
We put everything in Quicken (computer program) and I would look at Quicken to see where were were financially--I didn't loko at or see statements (he intercepted them before I came home and tucked them away... but I also never asked about them). What I didn't know is he was spending money and not entering it on the computer. He also didn't put credit cards he had on the computer (just our one joint one).
I was also stupid because he was going things like going to these big, expensive marathons in other states and I didn't really ask where the money was going. Part of me wishes I could go back and smack myself in the head and say, "hello, McFly! money comes from SOMEWHERE." I was too trusting but part of that was because our marriage was already rocky and I didn't want to rock the boat more and fight. EDIT: I should add there were a lot of nickle and dimes things too. I saw the last statements right after he said he wanted a divorce... restaurant here, clothing store there, bar tab here, etc.
So yeah, he spent the money and that's his fault for doing that. But it's my fault for not asking questions, keeping my eye's open, being too timid, etc. Hard way to learn a lesson And now I am am distrustful... the other extreme end of things I guess. And also not a good thing to be, I know.
If it makes you feel any better, I made this same mistake in my marriage, jb. My story is very similar. However, I will say that part of the reason I think I became passive about finances was that he had always been VERY controlling about money, as he was about almost everything. So I just learned over the years that life was easier if he got his way. As a result, he routinely made big financial decisions without consulting me, and if I offered any feedback, he always dismissed me.
I'm newly divorced (thank gawd), and it's going to take me a few years to get on more solid financial ground. I will never make the same mistake again. I will NEVER, EVER depend on anyone again (I'll live in the street first). And from now on, I make my OWN financial decisions.
Once you are divorced, you are just as "free" as a single person--trust me on this. I am back to being just as free as I was before marriage (maybe more so since I went right from living with my parents to being married and now I am on my own). Unless you are saying they regretting having kids (which isn't necessarily tied to marriage these days).
All I regret is getting married to the person I got married to. I am not sour on marriage as an institution as it seems most of my friends and family who are married are still married. I am just gun-shy on me doing it again because of my experience.
Of my friends only I and one other person are divorced and still single (we are both women). Two men are divorced and remarried (and are happy). The men though, if it matters, both divorced after just a few years of marriage where my other friend and I were both married over 10 years. So I wonder if that has a lot to do with things too (at least for us). Of my 16 (8 couples) aunts and uncles, one uncle (and his ex-wife) are divorced. Of my 19 first cousins (19 couples in this case... my cousin and their spouse), 2 are divorced (Of that 19, I have one cousin who has never married and one getting married this year).
So from my perspective, it's not most people divorce... it seems like most people stick together. Of course, we all have our own perspectives based on the people around us. In other family groups, I am sure most people do divorce.
The other thing that divorce does that isn't spoken about is how you build your life. Think about how things were when you dated. You maybe had a car payment, insurance, phone, and rent. You could work food service and easily make those demands with a roommate or even by yourself. When you marry, you have a tendency to take on much bigger bills. A bigger house, possibly a bigger car (even more so if kids are involved), trips, etc. When the marriage dissolves, someone is "stuck" with these bigger expenses.
Much like Jillabean, it was her that was stuck with them. Even if she truly wanted to date, how could she? When you're barely able to stay above water financially you tend to push out everything that's going to get in your way of not completing a goal. That's if your goal is financial independence. We know from enough dating stories that some people's five year plan is another person.
That's what I realized with my most recent ex. She had two kids and kept the house. She has always been a hard worker, but she had to work even harder now, because she was the only one bringing in income. Her ex is a bit immature, but that's another story for another day. In the end, as much as she wanted to date me, she couldn't allocate any time because she and her girls needed a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs.
I believe this scenario is more real than people give credit too.
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I was too trusting but part of that was because our marriage was already rocky and I didn't want to rock the boat more and fight. EDIT: I should add there were a lot of nickle and dimes things too. I saw the last statements right after he said he wanted a divorce... restaurant here, clothing store there, bar tab here, etc. 
