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I have been a loyal lurker for many years at CD but have never, before now, felt the need to post. I have a problem that I need objective opinions about. I apologize in advance if this post gets too long.
I am a middle aged lady who has been married to her third husband for 14 years (together for 18). During this time I have been 100 percent faithful to my husband and I love him very much. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. He is a good and decent man.
When I married him, he had a "career" where he made pretty good money. We traveled a lot and really enjoyed it. I did not have to work, but I usually did whenever I could at temp jobs because I feel that, since we don't have children, I should contribute to the household income. But he never required me to work.
Fast forward several years. My husband decides it is time for a career change. He stops working at his chosen field and decides to do "other things". Unfortunately, it is hard for him to work in other jobs because he has been self employed a long time. He has a very strong personality and is difficult to get along with. Eventually, he decides to stay home and let me be the breadwinner. I have a pretty good job and we have a frugal lifestyle so it works out ok.
The problem is that in my world, I have a very hard time respecting someone who does not take care of his family. This is how I was taught and it represents a huge part of how I feel about him. I still love him very much but I have lost a lot of respect for him as a man and a husband.
Time marches on.
Recently, I got another job for more money doing essentially the same thing, but for a much larger company a much more diverse company with a lot of different, interesting people. One day I happen to notice a guy who I think is a cutie. Oh, he is much younger. MUCH younger, but he seems like such a great guy and it is obvious that everybody that works with him likes him and respects him very much.
As I get to know more about the people I work with I find out that he is married, has some kids (how many I am not sure - more than one, anyway), and that he works ALL THE TIME (we're talking 7 days a week), to support his wife and family even though he doesn't make much money. He is so dedicated to his job.
Suddenly, I start having a lot of respect for the guy for being the man he is. Suddenly I start wishing I had a guy like that. It makes me very sad. He is all about his family, his job, working for THEM to give them the best life that he can and my husband is basically doing "things that need to be done around the house", while I work hard myself to support MY FAMILY.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
So I develop this incredible crush on the guy, even though he is much younger, and someone who, under normal circumstances I would not be attracted to. But in addition to being this amazing guy, he is very *different* and that difference seems to make him even more attractive to me. Since I am middle aged, my life has become pretty boring and passionless, so I am thinking what fun it would be to not only have a bit of a thing with this younger, wonderful guy who is so different than me and who I respect so very much.
I have not done or said anything to him or anyone else about this because I really don't know how he is going to take it. I mean, obviously he is crazy about his wife and they have very small children, but he is a man, and as far as I am concerned men are all pretty much dogs. I might be considerably older than he, but I still look very good for my age. He is very friendly to me (but he is very friendly to everybody), and sometimes I think that maybe he has a little interest, although that may be totally subjective on my part.
Needless to say this is just killing me. Even though I love my husband dearly and would not do anything to ever hurt him (as I would never do anything to hurt this other guy's family either), I can't help thinking about him. Right now I am at the place in my life where I am feeling quite old, and quite unhappy and quite irrelevant and needing something to make life worth living again.
Could you offer your insight and input on this situation? Please, I beg you do not throw in those off-handed snarky remarks that I see so often on CD. This is a very serious matter for me so if you can't give me a few minutes of sincere input, please just move on. Thank you all in advance.
I have been a loyal lurker for many years at CD but have never, before now, felt the need to post. I have a problem that I need objective opinions about. I apologize in advance if this post gets too long.
I am a middle aged lady who has been married to her third husband for 14 years (together for 18). During this time I have been 100 percent faithful to my husband and I love him very much. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. He is a good and decent man.
When I married him, he had a "career" where he made pretty good money. We traveled a lot and really enjoyed it. I did not have to work, but I usually did whenever I could at temp jobs because I feel that, since we don't have children, I should contribute to the household income. But he never required me to work.
Fast forward several years. My husband decides it is time for a career change. He stops working at his chosen field and decides to do "other things". Unfortunately, it is hard for him to work in other jobs because he has been self employed a long time. He has a very strong personality and is difficult to get along with. Eventually, he decides to stay home and let me be the breadwinner. I have a pretty good job and we have a frugal lifestyle so it works out ok.
The problem is that in my world, I have a very hard time respecting someone who does not take care of his family. This is how I was taught and it represents a huge part of how I feel about him. I still love him very much but I have lost a lot of respect for him as a man and a husband.
Time marches on.
Recently, I got another job for more money doing essentially the same thing, but for a much larger company a much more diverse company with a lot of different, interesting people. One day I happen to notice a guy who I think is a cutie. Oh, he is much younger. MUCH younger, but he seems like such a great guy and it is obvious that everybody that works with him likes him and respects him very much.
As I get to know more about the people I work with I find out that he is married, has some kids (how many I am not sure - more than one, anyway), and that he works ALL THE TIME (we're talking 7 days a week), to support his wife and family even though he doesn't make much money. He is so dedicated to his job.
Suddenly, I start having a lot of respect for the guy for being the man he is. Suddenly I start wishing I had a guy like that. It makes me very sad. He is all about his family, his job, working for THEM to give them the best life that he can and my husband is basically doing "things that need to be done around the house", while I work hard myself to support MY FAMILY.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
So I develop this incredible crush on the guy, even though he is much younger, and someone who, under normal circumstances I would not be attracted to. But in addition to being this amazing guy, he is very *different* and that difference seems to make him even more attractive to me. Since I am middle aged, my life has become pretty boring and passionless, so I am thinking what fun it would be to not only have a bit of a thing with this younger, wonderful guy who is so different than me and who I respect so very much.
I have not done or said anything to him or anyone else about this because I really don't know how he is going to take it. I mean, obviously he is crazy about his wife and they have very small children, but he is a man, and as far as I am concerned men are all pretty much dogs. I might be considerably older than he, but I still look very good for my age. He is very friendly to me (but he is very friendly to everybody), and sometimes I think that maybe he has a little interest, although that may be totally subjective on my part.
Needless to say this is just killing me. Even though I love my husband dearly and would not do anything to ever hurt him (as I would never do anything to hurt this other guy's family either), I can't help thinking about him. Right now I am at the place in my life where I am feeling quite old, and quite unhappy and quite irrelevant and needing something to make life worth living again.
Could you offer your insight and input on this situation? Please, I beg you do not throw in those off-handed snarky remarks that I see so often on CD. This is a very serious matter for me so if you can't give me a few minutes of sincere input, please just move on. Thank you all in advance.
Your answer is right in your own words
Seek out a therapist - you need to work through your feelings and quit trying to distract yourself with interest in another man.
The young man at work just represents something you feel is lacking in your life. He's NOT something you should go for or someone you missed out on.
It's not exactly a midlife crisis. It's just like a cry for help. I agree that talking to a counselor will help you sort out how to approach your husband.
What kind of therapist do you recommend, lovesMountains? I really do not have a lot of faith in psychologists because I have known several (they even had a private practice) and their lives were just as, if not MORE, screwed up than the patients they sought to help. I have never been able to understand how that kind of things work anyway. I know what the problem is, how are they going to change how I feel? I just don't understand.
Please don't devastate innocent young family with kids.
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but he is a man, and as far as I am concerned men are all pretty much dogs.
Please don't be disrespect men because of your husband staying home and eating bread from your money. I have friends very good very respectful men not dogs.
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I still love him very much but I have lost a lot of respect for him as a man and a husband.
Working 7 days a week does not mean a man taking care of his family, and money is not everything. For me taking care of husband means be there for me , be with me, I would loose the interest if my husband work 7 days a week. I think you both bored in your lives. No kids and nothing to be busy with. Don't use an excuse as midlife crisis, that is not an crisis that is a silly excuse,
please go and see a therapist. That is the best thing.
The young man at work just represents something you feel is lacking in your life. He's NOT something you should go for or someone you missed out on.
It's not exactly a midlife crisis. It's just like a cry for help. I agree that talking to a counselor will help you sort out how to approach your husband.
Approach my husband????? OMG. You have no idea. There is NO approaching my husband about anything. He does what he does and he is who he is, and nothing will *ever* alter that in the slightest degree. If I approach my husband it will only result in very hard feelings between he and I. No, that is not an option. 20yearsinBranson once said something that stuck with me about how you cannot make people change, you can only make yourself change. He won't change at all, ever.
Please don't devastate innocent young family with kids.
Please don't be disrespect men because of your husband staying home and eating bread from your money. I have friends very good very respectful men not dogs.
Working 7 days a week does not mean a man taking care of his family, and money is not everything. For me taking care of husband means be there for me , be with me, I would loose the interest if my husband work 7 days a week. I think you both bored in your lives. No kids and nothing to be busy with. Don't use an excuse as midlife crisis, that is not an crisis that is a silly excuse,
please go and see a therapist. That is the best thing.
When I say that men are dogs, I do not mean they are bad, or evil or anything. I basically mean that they are generally easily persuaded to stray. At least that has been my experience throughout life. If you offer it, they will generally take you up on it, even if they love their wife and are devoted to their family. That's what I meant when I said that.
It sounds like the things you find attractive about this guy are the same things you found attractive about your husband. I have my own views about the topics of breadwinners, stay at home parents, and so on...but they're not going to be very productive here. Suffice to say, it's clear that you don't approve of the direction that your husband took. How you handle it from here ULTIMATELY comes down to:
Is it "fixable"? Would either of you budge on your desires? (his desire to pursue his current career path, or lack thereof....your desire for him to support you, etc.)
If not, can you accept it? If not, you'll ultimately have to mention that to your husband and decide where to go from there.
When I say that men are dogs, I do not mean they are bad, or evil or anything. I basically mean that they are generally easily persuaded to stray. At least that has been my experience throughout life. If you offer it, they will generally take you up on it, even if they love their wife and are devoted to their family. That's what I meant when I said that.
I always hate this kind of viewpoint. Because women can be easily persuaded to stray as well. It's really less a matter of one gender being more loyal than the other and more of a function of stage of life. Once women have gotten their children to some kind of self-sufficiency, they tend to look about, whereas men tend to do it a little earlier.
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