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It's just that you aren't meeting and dating the right women.
I agree with this. I just wish I knew where I could find the right women for me. Or how I can become more enamoring to a broader range of women. Personally, I'm not an extremely picky guy if I'm attracted to them (don't have huge standards here either) and we get along well enough.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
I mean, I wouldn't go so far as smitten. The one girl I was seeing (went on a few dates with her, mentioned her in some other threads) I liked a lot. She liked a lot of things that I liked, we were from the same home state, I was attracted to her, she's sort of a sports junkie, and we're both in similar career fields. I was pretty excited about her, but she's the one that doesn't initiate any communication with me outside of when we are together in person.
The female friend I mentioned, who's flirtatious with me, but who's also in a crappy relationship, is also someone whom I could see myself with. But again, I'm not really smitten with her. We have the same quirky sense of humor, and we clearly connect well enough because we're really good friends.
If those are the "sparks" you're referring to, then sure. But I guess I never looked at it the same way as you described above.
No, that's not what I mean by sparks. You're still THINKING too much about it, you're being very pragmatic. There isn't much dynamic-ism or passion about what you're doing. If there is a problem, it might be that you're taking a clinical approach to it all. There is no passion, no lust, not HOLY CRAP THAT WAS AWESOME.
What I'm talking about for sparks or chemistry is more like this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
There's nothing like going on a date with someone and going home and feeling like you're on cloud 9. Whether they feel the same or they don't. I had some dates a few weeks ago with a woman that had me very smitten in her. Things didn't work out the way I wanted them too, but I loved the feeling of being so smitten with her.
No, that's not what I mean by sparks. You're still THINKING too much about it, you're being very pragmatic. There isn't much dynamic-ism or passion about what you're doing. If there is a problem, it might be that you're taking a clinical approach to it all. There is no passion, no lust, not HOLY CRAP THAT WAS AWESOME.
What I'm talking about for sparks or chemistry is more like this:
Well, the closest I felt that way recently was with the girl who I went on a few dates with (the one from my home state). I did REALLY like her and I was very excited about her in the beginning. It wasn't until recently that I've sort of lost those feelings because of her lack of initiation. It's the first time in awhile that I felt pretty hurt about a girl not showing that much interest in me from what I could tell.
I mean, I wouldn't go so far as smitten. The one girl I was seeing (went on a few dates with her, mentioned her in some other threads) I liked a lot. She liked a lot of things that I liked, we were from the same home state, I was attracted to her, she's sort of a sports junkie, and we're both in similar career fields. I was pretty excited about her, but she's the one that doesn't initiate any communication with me outside of when we are together in person.
The female friend I mentioned, who's flirtatious with me, but who's also in a crappy relationship, is also someone whom I could see myself with. But again, I'm not really smitten with her. We have the same quirky sense of humor, and we clearly connect well enough because we're really good friends.
If those are the "sparks" you're referring to, then sure. But I guess I never looked at it the same way as you described above.
This post makes me wonder if you have trouble connecting with people in general. A couple of suggestions:
1. Make sure you are looking these women in the eye.
2. Make sure when they speak, you don't interrupt. Try to respond in kind with less words than they said to you in the same general 'tone' of the conversation.
3. Work on your body language. Try googling 'good male body language'.
There was a young couple next to me and they were talking about their financial woes. The guy was talking about dumping a bunch of money into his car and not being able to afford to drive it. It also sounded like he was a paycheck-to-paycheck guy. And yet, despite being in somewhat of a financial mess, he had a girlfriend right there next to him (at least I'm assuming it was his GF by the way they were talking). What is it that someone like that has that I don't? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm missing that edge, apparently, to keep the woman attracted to me beyond the first date.
It's not an edge. He definitely has something you don't. Probably a lot of things. People who wonder how "guys like that are getting dates and not me" are definitely missing it, and it probably shows. They probably try to hard, or simply think they are "too great."
Him living paycheck to paycheck or dumping too much money into his car isn't the end of the world. I guarantee you that the "right" kind of guy, a guy who is GOOD and EXPERIENCED with women, could do 1000x better in that place, than a guy could who makes 100k/yr yet he just sucks with women.
There's so much more to things than guys here think. At least you aren't complaining about your height or something, that's the worst. This thread should be a perfect example of how guys that aren't bad looking and have their "act together" still struggle with women. So many here think that "oh I don't make 6 figures" or "oh I don't look like Brad Pitt," and use that as an excuse to not have success with women.
I spent a couple years living paycheck to paycheck practically (I had a "little" money in the bank because I had CC debt) and I still had tons of dates and constantly turned down women. I wasn't in shape, nor am I that good looking (my big nose is crooked from being broken, my hairline is terrible, I'm pale white with freckles) But.. I could get dates all the time and was the one not calling women back on 2nd dates. I may not have had looks or money, but you know what, I was a good fu***ng time. I can promise you that. Having dinner, laughing, telling stories, etc. Going out to bars and clubs, dancing, hanging out with friends. etc.
So be honest, do you have that? You would know if you do. Every girl may not be into it as they dont' always click. But when you have the dating life down, there's a lot more to it and making a girl feel comfortable around you and having a genuinely good time is as much if not more important than any looks or income will get you up to a certain point a long ways away.
Last edited by houstan-dan; 10-27-2014 at 12:46 PM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
Well, the closest I felt that way recently was with the girl who I went on a few dates with (the one from my home state). I did REALLY like her and I was very excited about her in the beginning. It wasn't until recently that I've sort of lost those feelings because of her lack of initiation. It's the first time in awhile that I felt pretty hurt about a girl not showing that much interest in me from what I could tell.
Ok, that stinks, but its a good sign. When you were making out was it passionate with a capital P?
Quote:
Originally Posted by houstan-dan
There's so much more to things than guys here think. At least you aren't complaining about your height or something, that's the worst. This thread should be a perfect example of how guys that aren't bad looking and have their "act together" still struggle with women. So many here think that "oh I don't make 6 figures" or "oh I don't look like Brad Pitt," and use that as an excuse to not have success with women.
I spent a couple years living paycheck to paycheck practically (I had a "little" money in the bank because I had CC debt) and I still had tons of dates and constantly turned down women. I wasn't in shape, nor am I that good looking (my big nose is crooked from being broken, my hairline is terrible, I'm pale white with freckles) But.. I could get dates all the time and was the one not calling women back on 2nd dates. I made not have had looks or money, but you know what, I was a good fu***ng time. I can promise you that. Having dinner, laughing, telling stories, etc. Going out to bars and clubs, dancing, hanging out with friends. etc.
This. Are they laughing? I mean, I was flat broke most of my 20s, in or out of school. I didn't work out then (unlike now), I earned less than cr*p, etc. But had dates (not always, I never had them lined up), but its about having fun! Sparks, chemistry, laughter, hanging out and being a great time. Telling stories, talking about passions, etc.
This post makes me wonder if you have trouble connecting with people in general. A couple of suggestions:
1. Make sure you are looking these women in the eye.
2. Make sure when they speak, you don't interrupt. Try to respond in kind with less words than they said to you in the same general 'tone' of the conversation.
3. Work on your body language. Try googling 'good male body language'.
I do look them in the eye. Eye contact is big for me and it's something I've been making myself more aware of in the last few years. Mostly for my professionally life, but it still applies to all other aspects in life.
I've also been trying to be more aware of my listening ability. I listen to what they say and only speak up after they're finished speaking.
I'll have to check into good male body language. As far as I know, I have pretty good posture and don't come across as super awkward (I've seen this from guys, so I'm pretty sure I know what that's about).
OP, we've hashed out your questions and rehashed them. At this point I have to say, your best bet is to get off the internet and out into the world. Get active after work and on weekends in different arenas, and see what turns up. Don't expect instant results, though, or you'll be disappointed and frustrated again. Let life take its course, while you're staying in that active mode, and an option will present itself eventually. Maybe that one friend of yours will break up with her bf, and she'll start hanging out more with you. Or the one you really liked from OLD will get back to you after she decompresses from her past breakup. Or someone new will join a regular activity group you're in. Or maybe nothing will happen for the next year, but then something big will happen.
Good luck. Hang in there. Develop your off-line life.
So be honest, do you have that? You would know if you do. Every girl may not be into it as they dont' always click. But when you have the dating life down, there's a lot more to it and making a girl feel comfortable around you and having a genuinely good time is as much if not more important than any looks or income will get you up to a certain point a long ways away.
I mean, I think so. I have a good amount of friends who think so. It's not like I'm this awkward guy who has no social interaction ever and who has no friends, who lingers around in my parent's basement with nothing going on in my life. I feel like I'm well read, I have a clue about what's going on in the world, I have stories (not always directly about me). I have things going on in my life, so I stay fairly busy with hobbies and activities. Yesterday, I went on a casual 53 mile bike ride just for the hell of it. I'm also on a kickball and flag football team.
So yeah, I don't know what I'm missing. I'd like to find out though.
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