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Forgive yourself and move on. You learned your lesson already. Obviously, once a cheater, not always a cheater.
You are absolutely correct. If humans couldn't learn from their mistakes, you would never see anything around you which is evrything - all successes are a result of failed experiements and the lessons they taught.
Not suggesting OP's was an "experiment" necessarily (a bad misadventure probably)but he has learned from the mistake and to me he is on a path to success.
this was first used in a reply to someone in another forum, but several people wrote me privately asking that i put it in its own thread...
don't ever have an affair!
my wife and i were 'geographically' separated by a couple hundred miles for 3 years. I'd get off of work on friday - drive a few hours and be home with her late friday night - and return to the town i work in on sunday. I did that every weekend.
i got 'bored' and went on a singles dating site. I started chatting with someone - heck, she lived a couple of hundred miles away - it was just talk. We had all kinds of intimate conversations (aka phone sex) and it was exciting... To me, it really wasn't cheating - there was no contact.... (it was very wrong and was cheating...)
a few months go by and it turns out that she's now living within 20 miles of me... Her moving had nothing to do with me - it was just a weird - strange coincidence. The next thing you know we're meeting in person - the next thing you know, we're having sex and i'm living a double life...
The double life almost killed me. I was lying to my wife - lying to my mistress - and sometimes i'd forget what lie i told which woman - it was the most horrible thing i could have done - not only to these women - but to myself.
My gig got caught when the mistress called the wife and let her know about the affair. She (claimed) she wanted me to herself - was tired of sharing - and wanted all the cards on the table.
I had said (for months) that i would be telling the wife that i wanted a divorce. I told myself that lie so much that even i believed it... I loved my wife - she's the best thing that ever happened to me. I got attention from the mistress - (i got plenty of attention from the wife!) - but the mistress attention was new - was exciting - and was so very, very wrong.
From the day madam-c (we'll call her that - use whatever c word you want to, but it's the ironically the first letter of her name) told my wife about our affair, i've not had any communication with her. I begged my wife to forgive me - and to accept me back into her life. Upset? Oh, more than upset... As she had every right to be. I betrayed - lied - and a host of other things, to her, that she most certainly did not deserve. Nobody deserves that... Nobody.
My wife and i recently reaffirmed out commitment to each other by renewing our wedding vows. She's forgiven me, but i've not yet forgiven myself. I have this huge amount of guilt for what i did and every day i am faced with what i did - who i hurt - all because i was selfish, self centered and bored.
I urge you - i beg you - for your sake and your spouses sake to not have an affair. Even if you both want to venture out with the other's permission -take serious the vows that you said when you married - and stay true to each other forever.
If you've thought about - or even already had an affair, seek out counseling and find a way to get the spark back in your marriage. Take him or her to the place where you both first met. Take them to the place where you first kissed - relive those moments when your relationship was new. Do anything other than have an affair - i beg you...
I've been married over 20 years and have always been monogamous, so I have no horse in this race. However, I have known married people who have had affairs (many of LONG duration) and the spouses never found out. The OP's problem was that his mistress contacted the wife. Next time (if there is a next time), choose a woman more grounded and one not so neurotic/controlling/insecure as to tell your wife!
I've been married over 20 years and have always been monogamous, so I have no horse in this race. However, I have known married people who have had affairs (many of LONG duration) and the spouses never found out. The OP's problem was that his mistress contacted the wife. Next time (if there is a next time), choose a woman more grounded and one not so neurotic/controlling/insecure as to tell your wife!
I think it was "karma" pure and simple. Maybe the discovery of an unfaithful spouse can be a great exit to a life away from the cheater. You can plot and plan and choose a discreet woman but in terms of getting caught there are plenty of other ways the wife can find out. Too many variables too control. Actually the lifestyle and routine a typical married person has sets the person up to be discovered if a spouse cheats.
Same reason why you don't put yourself in compromising situations with a single person that you find attractive. Do it long enough and you will confide in each other on issues that you shouldn't be discussing with each other. It becomes a slippery slope quicker than you think.
EXACTLY! I am a single person and I apply this to all members of the opposite sex - married or single. I have decided to live a certain life style and I am waiting on my mate. That said I simply choose not to engage in certain types of conversations with the opposite sex. Now I know its more true of married people, but I'm just saying for me I try to steer clear of such things. People don't get this and with todays climate I have been called too tightly wound, but whatever. Some things don't need to be discussed.
Weird how some people try to blame the mistress when the cheater is the one advertising.
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