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I recently saw a cousin of mine at a family wedding, last weekend. A little backstory on him, is that he is attractive, professional, stable, very nice guy--he's over 6ft, athletic, muscular, suave when he wants to be. For all intent and purposes he is a catch(granted not for every woman). He's always dated woman that fit a similar look: long brunette/black hair, white, average looking faces, upside down triangle shaped(bigger chest, slightly pudgy stomach, and very thin legs, small/flat butt), but overall very nice, fun, outgoing girls. He is black btw. In any case, he's the same age as me, and this always seems to be the type that he gets into a relationship with. I know from his brothers, that this is the type of woman that he feels most comfortable approaching when he's out. Or that he's feel most at ease with. For instance he's admitted that he doesn't typically date black girls, because he doesn't feel like they would like him(his personality), or he doesn't approach girls that are very pretty, because he's intimidated, but he'll stare and acknowledge that they are beautiful, and even if the girl MIGHT be giving him a signal that she's interested, he'll be too hesistant to do anything because he feels insecure(for some reason) about his looks. I want to make a disclaimer and say that looks aren't everything obviously, and that it's all relative--perhaps deep down this IS what he finds attractive.
But in July, his sister hooked him up with a friend of hers who was completely opposite of his usual woman--she was biracial, with an hour glass body--big hips, slim waist, a big butt, but an average chest, and she was very very pretty. I saw a pic of her from facebook. His sister said that he never would have approached a girl that looks like her, because he was too intimidated, or didn't feel comfortable, but because his sister set them up, and he knew that the girl was interested, he went with it, and ended up really liking her. In any case, early last month the girl moved out of state, so whatever relationship he would have had with her, was nixed. But despite knowing that this girl, who he thought was out of his league, did LIKE him, he's since went back to his usual type.
At the wedding, sure enough, he was with a girl who fit the mold--white, average looking, brunette, upside triangle shape, etc. His brother commented to me about the new girl, "She's not ugly at all. And she's cool. But she's basic. Naya(the last girl he dated that was very pretty) looked way better. I don't know, I think that's just his type though.Even when he was with Naya he didn't seem that confident about it. He's confident with Jen(the new girl) and I think that's the type of girl he's going to end up with. But the funny thing is, he'll sit back and even admit that they(the girls he dates) aren't as attractive as Naya and other females are, and don't have the best bodies, but he still gravitates toward them."
Now to me, this just means that why he might think a girl like NAYA is attractive and perhaps might desire a woman who looks like her, at the end of the day, he has a type and that is who he really is attracted to--whether he wants to admit it or not. But his brother thinks it's a combination--he thinks that yes this is probably who his brother is attracted to, but that his brother also is not confident and thus part of the reason he's attracted to these types of woman is because he feels most confident and comfortable with them--it's what he knows he can get, he doesn't feel intimidated, or threatened, etc.
So it has me thinking... Are there people out there that always go after certain types, not necessarily based on attraction, but because they have it programmed in their head, that this is the type that they'll have the most success with? In other words, these people have developed an attraction to girl/guy X, but that attraction was initially fueled by the fact that they knew they would be more sucessful with that type, than with a type that might be more attractive but that they feel they could never get?
So it has me thinking... Are there people out there that always go after certain types, not necessarily based on attraction, but because they have it programmed in their head, that this is the type that they'll have the most success with? In other words, these people have developed an attraction to girl/guy X, but that attraction was initially fueled by the fact that they knew they would be more sucessful with that type, than with a type that might be more attractive but that they feel they could never get?
Attraction is a complicated thing so yes, what you describe sounds plausible. I'm sure there are people out there like this. I don't know if this guy is one of them. But still, before he commits to anyone for life he needs to work out those self esteem issues. Yikes.
If that's what he wants to do.....cool. Different things work for different people. I will say he needs to work on his insecurity issues when it comes to dating.
To be honest though, I really don't think about why someone may be attracted to someone else. I don't get curious about other folk's business like that anymore.
At the wedding he acted overly confident with his gf, and seems very comfortable. It's well hidden unless put in a situation where he feels uncomfortable (i.e. Meets a girl that he thinks is out of his league). So it seems like he feels he looks fine and is fine if he dates a girl that he feels is more on his level lookwise, it's only when he is faced with possibly approaching or dating girls that he thinks are very pretty or that look different from his type that he becomes insecure.
I once dated a guy like him earlier in the year. He wouldn't approach me, he would just stare at me, like a creep, or act very uncomfortable, I had to approach him. he acted very awkward around me in the beginning. His friends acted weird too. One of his friends pulled me aside and said that he's never dated a girl that looked like me. And I asked him to elaborate and he was honest and said that he usually dates girls that look like "x" and are "x" (race). And he went on to say that girls like me usually don't want to date him. And this particular guy needed a lot of validation--he asked why I found him attractive, he kept trying to get me use to his friends(they were a diverse unique bunch), and he was even insecure about me seeing him eat in the beginning, making out, Etc. I thought he was just an awkward guy, come to find out with past girls he was completely different-confident, makes moves quickly, doesn't ever need validation etc. It later dawned on me based on his facebook that all of his girls seemed to look very similar and that I did look very different from them. It was hard to say that I was more attractive, because I looked so different. But he kept making comments about my looks and essentially putting me on a pedestal that I didn't feel I should have been on. It was weird.
I actually do get curious about attraction, even pertaining to others, when it isn't my business lol. Actually I asked my girl what she thinks of my guy and she said that I could do better looks wise. It did sort of bother me but then I let it go. He is my type though so naturally I did wonder if perhaps I've put myself in a weird box and might be dating guys that aren't as attractive, then again it's relative.
Last edited by Faith2187; 11-01-2014 at 04:45 PM..
Pretty much every black guy I've gone out with (like four of them) have ended up dating white women. It's just typical behavior.
Lol. After living on the east coast, it tends to be the case that thus far 99% of the black men I've dated have always ever dated white women. They tend to be corporate or professional attractive black men... And the white girls they date tend to actually look a lot like the women my cousin dates look wise. After they date me, they do continue right back to that type. One of them did tell me that black girls don't tend to like him, or aren't attracted to him. But most (that I've met at least) grew up around these types of girls so that's who they are comfortable with. The weird thing is that one of the guys had a lot of very attractive females pursue him--even white ones-and he wasn't comfortable with anything outside of the box he had made. I didn't think anything of it until I realized the reason my cousin might be doing it, could apply to others as well. Overall though what I find problematic is that on some level he doesn't even find these women that attractive and admits that they are just okay looking or just have okay bodies and yet he continues to date them. How can you make fun of the women you date for not looking the best and yet still only date them even when you have the potential or the opportunity to date women you might perhaps be more attracted to?
In any case I do think he's insecure and that it limits him. The girl he brought to the wedding was cool as h#ll though. I actually really liked her with him, but was she somewhat basic looking? Yes. But honestly I think that this is what he likes, or else he wouldn't continue to date them.
Lol. After living on the east coast, it tends to be the case that thus far 99% of the black men I've dated have always ever dated white women. They tend to be corporate or professional attractive black men... And the white girls they date tend to actually look a lot like the women my cousin dates look wise. After they date me, they do continue right back to that type. One of them did tell me that black girls don't tend to like him, or aren't attracted to him. But most (that I've met at least) grew up around these types of girls so that's who they are comfortable with. The weird thing is that one of the guys had a lot of very attractive females pursue him--even white ones-and he wasn't comfortable with anything outside of the box he had made. I didn't think anything of it until I realized the reason my cousin might be doing it, could apply to others as well. Overall though what I find problematic is that on some level he doesn't even find these women that attractive and admits that they are just okay looking or just have okay bodies and yet he continues to date them. How can you make fun of the women you date for not looking the best and yet still only date them even when you have the potential or the opportunity to date women you might perhaps be more attracted to?
In any case I do think he's insecure and that it limits him. The girl he brought to the wedding was cool as h#ll though. I actually really liked her with him, but was she somewhat basic looking? Yes. But honestly I think that this is what he likes, or else he wouldn't continue to date them.
Just because he could maybe get a better looking woman doesn't mean that he's not satisfied with a "basic looking" one as long as she still meets the requirements of what he finds attractive. I don't think this has to mean that he's insecure, but you know him better than I do.
some guys are jealous control freaks, they cant handle jealousy,,, if he has a very pretty flower, he knows all the male bees will want to pollinate her -
also,,, a guy can have more fun with a plain jane than a princess- some women - its all about looks or what so and so said (about looks)
the Barbie type that's so self centered its hard to take
most guys i know want an adventurous type that likes to go hiking - fishing, boating, not always worried about their hair or breaking a nail..
the barbies are super high maintenance
but as one Barbie told me yrs ago, "since she can remember she was always complimented on her looks, so that defined her"
Just because he could maybe get a better looking woman doesn't mean that he's not satisfied with a "basic looking" one as long as she still meets the requirements of what he finds attractive. I don't think this has to mean that he's insecure, but you know him better than I do.
True. I know him obviously since he's my cousin, but his brothers know him better than me. I just figured that this is what he's attracted to and that he likes their personality(like I said the one at the wedding had an awesome personality) but others think that he limits himself.
But that could be said any respect to anyone. Like I said I've had friends question my taste and ive questioned other people as well. It is what it is and no one but him knows the truth of it. I was more throwing a thought that there are people that do this (even if my cousin is not)
some guys are jealous control freaks, they cant handle jealousy,,, if he has a very pretty flower, he knows all the male bees will want to pollinate her -
also,,, a guy can have more fun with a plain jane than a princess- some women - its all about looks or what so and so said (about looks)
the Barbie type that's so self centered its hard to take
most guys i know want an adventurous type that likes to go hiking - fishing, boating, not always worried about their hair or breaking a nail..
the barbies are super high maintenance
but as one Barbie told me yrs ago, "since she can remember she was always complimented on her looks, so that defined her"
its hard to break that shell "
True.
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