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I think it's very important to figure out whether there is a deeper emotional level to discover. Some men or women are very simple so what you see may be all there is. Is he passionate about anything?
This is a very, very good point and cuts right to the heart of the matter - whether or not he's even interested in talking about really complex stuff, as I usually am.
He does have passions - doesn't really talk about why he's passionate about them - but his eyes do light up. He's passionate about home improvement projects, traveling to uncharted places, dogs, and snowboarding. I love that about him, but I just wish he would seem more interested in my world, as well. Aside from these 'active' things he's into, he seems very content with not talking about much at all... though there are a million things buzzing in my mind at any given moment. And I love silence, I just can't tell why there's so much of it between us.
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Originally Posted by Zeurich
If you feel poor fit you better not get in to it.
There is truth to this.
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Originally Posted by Frihed89
Why/How?
Learned behavior from childhood?
Learned behavior from peers?
Lack of self acceptance?
A way to maintain control?
Can a person change?
In a safe environment, where acceptance replaces judgement, it's possible, but there are too many other factors involved to define all the necessary and sufficient conditions.
These are great questions... I'm trying to answer them, but coming up with nothin'. He's a pretty content guy with a lot of interests and a great job, great relationship with his parents too, so I don't sense anything is way off. And he has lots of friends, seems respected by them, is very amiable... he just doesn't talk about much. When he does, it's purely pragmatic/logical/rational... all traits I love about him, but I'm just aching to meet him on an emotional level...
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Originally Posted by ellie
Well... I dunno. Seems awfully vague.
Why don't you give it a few months, if you both like each other? It sounds like you're being far too judgmental at an early stage of the relationship. What's the rush?
My husband is a tough guy who keeps his emotions close, but he has a depth, expressiveness, and romantic streak far greater than mine.
That's encouraging to hear. Did it take awhile for him to trust you with his emotions?
Been seeing this guy for over two months already... going to give it a bit more time, but feeling very frustrated. I really don't think I'm being judgmental, but I suppose it's possible. It could just be that the attraction is fading... and some of these things that bother me I actually noticed on our first date. They really aren't negative about him, but things that just made me feel less comfortable being my silly, zany self.
I literally want to just shake him sometimes. Throw a pillow or two at him. Anything to provoke a response.
It's gotten to the point where I'd almost be thrilled to see him ANGRY at me, because at least then I could see some emotion from him.
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Originally Posted by MJ7
It was a trust issue, and yes, I was able to, but it took about 2 months first of hanging out and going on dates, which was fine with me. When she opened up it was like a brand new person.
That is pretty awesome. : ) I myself have trust issues with men... in terms of my own emotions... so it's really encouraging to hear that she was able to open up with you and that you were receptive to it.
Thank you for sharing.
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Is he "non-emotive," or is he just not into you.
It honestly reads like he is not completely into you, like he's going through the motions.
Very possible. I can say with confidence that he's very non-emotive in general - truly, he holds it in - but as for how into me he is... it's really hard to tell.
The fact that he keeps asking me to do things, insisting on paying for things on dates, and then dropping me off at home at night with a warm hug but without making any kind of physical move anymore... only adds to the confusion. Is he trying to court me all of a sudden? Does he see me more as a friend? Is he wishing I'd just make a move? Is he wanting me to tell him if I want to sleep over or something (I prefer to follow the guy's lead...)? I just have zero clue what he wants...
If he's trying to increase the sexual tension, it's working. Hah. But it's also making me less interested...
We only have time to see each other about once a week, too.
I'm a very, very passionate person. I become energized by talking about my own passions and hearing about others' - ideally, sharing some. In life in general with people - but ESPECIALLY with intimacy. Guys I've dated in the past have loved that about me - they actually respond to my passionate nature - they notice it, they're drawn to it, and even if the relationship doesn't work out in the end, I end up feeling like they truly got to know me, and I them. With this guy, I can't even tell if he appreciates how passionate I am. He doesn't need to talk about it with many words, but at least respond to my obvious enthusiasm about things somehow? I've actually started to put up my own emotional walls around myself so as not to get hurt. I've felt less flirtatious, too. That's okay but I sense it can only go downhill from here if nothing changes. Which is a real shame.
Guess it just points to how important communication is within a relationship... wish I knew how to talk with him about this.
If there is attraction but no "emotional connection" well...you both can try to see if it develops over time but maybe you two are just wasting your time.
My advice to you will be to just try to give it some time but I guess there is not much to do really.
OP, from the way you write, it seems like you are a very introspective and sensitive, emotionally-attuned person. And, you are doing all the emotional work in this relationship because of that.
Would you consider yourself a "caretaker" type? If so, it could be that he very well is emotionally stunted and he's attracted to you because you are very emotionally connected. You are "carrying" him in this way, but in the meantime you're not getting YOUR emotional needs met because he's just not capable of reciprocating.
I'm going to recommend this because I'm doing it myself and it's working: Stop giving so much. Hang back a little. Let him come forward and start nurturing YOU. If you find that he is incapable of that or just doesn't step up, then it's time for you to move on. You're not going to find someone who can do the work, too, if you're doing all of it all the time.
If there is attraction but no "emotional connection" well...you both can try to see if it develops over time but maybe you two are just wasting your time.
My advice to you will be to just try to give it some time but I guess there is not much to do really.
*sigh* ... yup
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Originally Posted by stava
OP, from the way you write, it seems like you are a very introspective and sensitive, emotionally-attuned person. And, you are doing all the emotional work in this relationship because of that.
Would you consider yourself a "caretaker" type? If so, it could be that he very well is emotionally stunted and he's attracted to you because you are very emotionally connected. You are "carrying" him in this way, but in the meantime you're not getting YOUR emotional needs met because he's just not capable of reciprocating.
I'm going to recommend this because I'm doing it myself and it's working: Stop giving so much. Hang back a little. Let him come forward and start nurturing YOU. If you find that he is incapable of that or just doesn't step up, then it's time for you to move on. You're not going to find someone who can do the work, too, if you're doing all of it all the time.
Thank you stava, I appreciate this advice. Would you have time to give me an example, of how to 'hang back'?
I wouldn't call myself a 'caretaker' type, I don't think. I'll have to ponder that one, but I'm definitely not going far out of my way for this guy. We basically spend time together, usually on outings like dinner/hikes/etc., and then part ways. While together, I'm inquiring a lot, trying to encourage fun/interesting discussion, and he responds to it, but doesn't ever take the lead with conversation/intimacy. Maybe I should be a bit more silent, and see what he brings up to talk about?
If nothing comes of it, do you have any suggestions for how to explain my needing to part ways with him? I mean I could just say, "I don't think we're a good fit", but based on my conversations with him so far, I think he'll be really confused by that - as in, we're enjoying each others' company, so why stop it?
Fortunately I'm not too emotionally invested yet, so it won't be that hard for me. But I can't help but think of his perspective... and I've begun to care about him a lot.
Actually, just reading what I wrote, I'm realizing maybe I AM kind of a 'caretaker' type. Writing about him makes me want to both shake him hard, and then take care of him. Maybe I do crave being able to help a guy with his emotions - he just hasn't given me any emotions to help him with. Sheesz. Maybe it's my issue?
Actually, just reading what I wrote, I'm realizing maybe I AM kind of a 'caretaker' type. Writing about him makes me want to both shake him hard, and then take care of him. Maybe I do crave being able to help a guy with his emotions - he just hasn't given me any emotions to help him with. Sheesz. Maybe it's my issue?
I don't know. This is weird even to me, and I'm similar. I typically wait to make a move as I'm looking for signals. I also keep my emotions to myself for a while. I'm pretty reserved. However, once I know a woman is interested and we've slept together, its an entirely different story. Then I always initiate. So I honestly don't know what he's trying to do unless he thinks you slept together too soon and doesn't want to ruin it. Thats possible. He could have been advised by someone to slow it down. But if thats the case, he has to work harder at getting to know you and being more open and upfront with his intentions.
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Did it take awhile for him to trust you with his emotions?
