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Old 11-13-2014, 07:26 PM
 
17,466 posts, read 38,890,196 times
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There have been a lot of threads here about sexless relationships. It seems to be quite common. I am going to post my situation, not really asking for any advice, but I know I am not alone so maybe others can relate somewhat to this.

I have been married for 30 years to my husband, who I do love and relationship is good in every way EXCEPT for sex. We have never been sexually compatible and without going into detail about the whys, I will only say that when I married him I had had several sexual partners (boyfriends) and knew what to compare to. There have always been intimacy issues with DH, and over time I just "tolerated" sex with him. He was NEVER interested in making it good for me. Now for the past 15 years he hasn't even wanted to at all. At first I was relieved, but now at age 65 I have a higher drive than ever and am lamenting that I let so much of my life go by without this important part of my life.

For awhile as I said I was just "relieved" when the sex ended, since there was basically no pleasure in it for me. I have never cheated, and am not planning to. However, in the past year and a half there has been someone in my life who I have developed feelings for. It was not planned, he is in my life in a professional capacity; we have a special "closeness" that is undeniable. There is no way to ever have a relationship of any kind other than the professional one we have; but my feelings for him have made me aware of how unfulfilled I really feel and how life is passing me by. It is bad enough to be a woman of a certain age who feels like her attractiveness is slipping away year by year; but the feelings of the unrequited love are sometimes almost unbearable. And then I have feelings of guilt because I basically have a good life and while things were volatile between me and my husband in our earlier years, he has been a very good provider and friend for about the past ten. At this point, if anyone were to ask me what I want, I would have to say I honestly don't know.... I don't really want to trade one man for another even if I could. But I'm not happy the way things are now, either. Being 65 really makes me realize how short life can be.

Again, not looking for advice here; just posting my sad story in case anyone else wants to share their own, and how they have handled it, or what they are doing to make the best of their situation. In my case, I am doing my best to keep myself busy with hobbies and such; the busier I stay, the more my mind stays off it. But when I see my other "love", as I did today, I sometimes get very down for awhile, so then I end up on various internet sites (like this one for instance) it is the only outlet I have, since I can't afford psychotherapy. Not so sure it (psychotherapy) would help anyway.

So there you have it, and if anyone wants to share either publicly on the forum or via private message I will appreciate reading all your stories. I find solace and many times enlightenment through others' experiences. Thanks for listening.
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Old 11-13-2014, 07:51 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,370 posts, read 24,342,291 times
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That is an interesting problem and an eloquent description of it. You must be an extraordinary woman.
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Old 11-13-2014, 09:04 PM
 
Location: moved
13,579 posts, read 9,601,334 times
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gypsychic - indeed there's considerable solace from the mere act of writing, and all the more so from airing one's travails in an anonymous yet public setting. No arrant insights can be expected from such venture, since none of is wields expertise, and none is privy to direct knowledge. And yet there's still a sense of community, of kinship, however artificial and remote.

A good marriage is a marriage of best-friends, even if said friends lack physical appeal or wherewithal to please in body. If this is so, perhaps there's value in showing your husband [an edited] version of what you've posted here? Perhaps his fault, if such it be, is less indifference or even obliviousness, but something stymieing himself, a hangup of his own, an ulcer eating at his psyche that he's embarrassed to disclose? And then perhaps your missive would prompt him to confess his own?

This forum is a place replete with doubts. We're skeptical of human perseverance. So many voices counsel to sever ties yet even slightly frayed. Instead, I marvel and respect when anyone stays in committed marriage. It is an honorable thing in a modern world that places personal advancement above all honor. But if we're honest to our claims, your husband surely will understand. Be frank. And may you both fare well, for many years, and tender embraces.
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Old 11-13-2014, 10:56 PM
 
364 posts, read 369,375 times
Reputation: 249
Quote:
Originally Posted by gypsychic View Post
There have been a lot of threads here about sexless relationships. It seems to be quite common. I am going to post my situation, not really asking for any advice, but I know I am not alone so maybe others can relate somewhat to this.

I have been married for 30 years to my husband, who I do love and relationship is good in every way EXCEPT for sex. We have never been sexually compatible and without going into detail about the whys, I will only say that when I married him I had had several sexual partners (boyfriends) and knew what to compare to. There have always been intimacy issues with DH, and over time I just "tolerated" sex with him. He was NEVER interested in making it good for me. Now for the past 15 years he hasn't even wanted to at all. At first I was relieved, but now at age 65 I have a higher drive than ever and am lamenting that I let so much of my life go by without this important part of my life.

For awhile as I said I was just "relieved" when the sex ended, since there was basically no pleasure in it for me. I have never cheated, and am not planning to. However, in the past year and a half there has been someone in my life who I have developed feelings for. It was not planned, he is in my life in a professional capacity; we have a special "closeness" that is undeniable. There is no way to ever have a relationship of any kind other than the professional one we have; but my feelings for him have made me aware of how unfulfilled I really feel and how life is passing me by. It is bad enough to be a woman of a certain age who feels like her attractiveness is slipping away year by year; but the feelings of the unrequited love are sometimes almost unbearable. And then I have feelings of guilt because I basically have a good life and while things were volatile between me and my husband in our earlier years, he has been a very good provider and friend for about the past ten. At this point, if anyone were to ask me what I want, I would have to say I honestly don't know.... I don't really want to trade one man for another even if I could. But I'm not happy the way things are now, either. Being 65 really makes me realize how short life can be.

Again, not looking for advice here; just posting my sad story in case anyone else wants to share their own, and how they have handled it, or what they are doing to make the best of their situation. In my case, I am doing my best to keep myself busy with hobbies and such; the busier I stay, the more my mind stays off it. But when I see my other "love", as I did today, I sometimes get very down for awhile, so then I end up on various internet sites (like this one for instance) it is the only outlet I have, since I can't afford psychotherapy. Not so sure it (psychotherapy) would help anyway.

So there you have it, and if anyone wants to share either publicly on the forum or via private message I will appreciate reading all your stories. I find solace and many times enlightenment through others' experiences. Thanks for listening.
Why the F would you marry a man you didn't like having sex with. WTF???

" I had had several sexual partners (boyfriends) and knew what to compare to."

Shocker shocker.

When did you get married? Around 30? Was he a nice guy you knew wouldn't leave and could provide? I have a feeling YOUR decisions put you here.
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Old 11-14-2014, 12:18 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,613,450 times
Reputation: 54727
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
That is an interesting problem and an eloquent description of it. You must be an extraordinary woman.
I agree. OP, my heart goes out to you. I had a somewhat similar problem after 20 years of marriage and handled it quite differently, with no regrets. I am single now and love the fact that my sexuality isn't in the hands of another. It's really great to be an older single woman. I know many and we are all living satisfied lives--sexually and otherwise.
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Old 11-14-2014, 12:28 AM
 
1,341 posts, read 1,620,366 times
Reputation: 1166
Quote:
Originally Posted by gypsychic View Post
There have been a lot of threads here about sexless relationships. It seems to be quite common. I am going to post my situation, not really asking for any advice, but I know I am not alone so maybe others can relate somewhat to this.

I have been married for 30 years to my husband, who I do love and relationship is good in every way EXCEPT for sex. We have never been sexually compatible and without going into detail about the whys, I will only say that when I married him I had had several sexual partners (boyfriends) and knew what to compare to. There have always been intimacy issues with DH, and over time I just "tolerated" sex with him. He was NEVER interested in making it good for me. Now for the past 15 years he hasn't even wanted to at all. At first I was relieved, but now at age 65 I have a higher drive than ever and am lamenting that I let so much of my life go by without this important part of my life.

For awhile as I said I was just "relieved" when the sex ended, since there was basically no pleasure in it for me. I have never cheated, and am not planning to. However, in the past year and a half there has been someone in my life who I have developed feelings for. It was not planned, he is in my life in a professional capacity; we have a special "closeness" that is undeniable. There is no way to ever have a relationship of any kind other than the professional one we have; but my feelings for him have made me aware of how unfulfilled I really feel and how life is passing me by. It is bad enough to be a woman of a certain age who feels like her attractiveness is slipping away year by year; but the feelings of the unrequited love are sometimes almost unbearable. And then I have feelings of guilt because I basically have a good life and while things were volatile between me and my husband in our earlier years, he has been a very good provider and friend for about the past ten. At this point, if anyone were to ask me what I want, I would have to say I honestly don't know.... I don't really want to trade one man for another even if I could. But I'm not happy the way things are now, either. Being 65 really makes me realize how short life can be.

Again, not looking for advice here; just posting my sad story in case anyone else wants to share their own, and how they have handled it, or what they are doing to make the best of their situation. In my case, I am doing my best to keep myself busy with hobbies and such; the busier I stay, the more my mind stays off it. But when I see my other "love", as I did today, I sometimes get very down for awhile, so then I end up on various internet sites (like this one for instance) it is the only outlet I have, since I can't afford psychotherapy. Not so sure it (psychotherapy) would help anyway.

So there you have it, and if anyone wants to share either publicly on the forum or via private message I will appreciate reading all your stories. I find solace and many times enlightenment through others' experiences. Thanks for listening.
Which basically means you just confirm what this forum had discussed ad nauseam. You had you fun in life, then you had to flock to have that 'old fashioned setting' that none of your beloved boyfriends wanted you in (since they saw you as a liability, or you saw them as such at some point), you found a guy who was naive enough not to know you or his desires ignored the signs that probably told him not to - and that's where the life took this course. You got lucky that you found that guy, he got lucky that you were unlucky to find this "professional" at least 10 years before, you made it into the statistic of happily married 50% during our modern era. Now you wage your chances and your mind tells you to keep the sparrow in your hand instead of chasing the pigeon on the tree. But something tells you that you'll be able to take that pigeon as well, so you might wish to try to have both worlds, it's good to fantasize about it, even if you never make a move.

You know what you want better than any of us can, we can't read your mind. One of the most common stories that accompanies your own is that couples start to annoy each other with small and seemingly insignificant things. It may be unconscious or deliberate, but they still do that and they seek a way for things to escalate. They want to drive things to a point where other side starts getting annoyed and frustrated and when the conflict gets a response from the other side, that's basically a sign of boredom and a way of seeking for an excuse to part away, especially if the escalation came to a critical point where it always escalates into a conflict. Some folks deliberately "get involved with activities" instead, just like you explained. Others combine both of these things for a maximum distance while still being officially together, i.e. the couple has continuous and repeated conflicts over nothing and it comes to a point where both sides foster or expect the conflict over any small thing, because they don't care that much about each other, really, at that point they are together because they are married or because they have children or because they share the same home.


It is also a great story for all those folks who argue in favor of marriage or permanent legal "lock", that U.S. folks are generally NOT suited for it and the divorce rate of 50% is not a coincidence (~42% for couples who both enter their first marriage), if it really was a coincidence then the separation rate of cohabiting folks with children wouldn't be even higher, not to mention cohabiting couples without children who happen to separate in over 95% of cases or married folks without small children who separate in about 80% of cases.
The culture of living is different than the framework it advocates. "Old-fashioned setting" may be theoretically the best option, but the fundaments for such setting, the people, are not best-suited for it anymore. They are taught to value other things. I won't criticize you or give you a lesson in having a pleasure in sex, I'll just say that the main issue is that your boyfriends were "interesting", while your husband isn't. He bores you and annoys you. You know why you ended up with him, because you either figured out your boyfriends aren't suited for the life you wanted, or because they dumped you and lived the life they wanted because they could.

In a great survey on reasons why people divorce or separate, it's worth to mention that one of the following constituted 2 out of 9 divorces, often with several of these involved together: violence/physical assaults, child abuse, substance/drug abuse, criminal activity/felony, mental illness, gambling, etc, typically cited and most trumpeted reasons.
Most of the rest involved combination of factors that can be addressed as boredom - extramarital affairs, growing apart (which can also be accompanied with previously mentioned "small things escalating into big and prolonged altercations", in fact most of such couples have these situations and they know it and they deliberately don't want to try to stop with this or to try to calm things down because it goes the way they secretly want - towards further separation), etc. At some point, people start to verbally and mentally abuse each other - because they don't want to be seen as "responsible". This verbal abuse can basically do the same if not worse than the physical violence, especially if it involves prolonged fights over nothing.


I'd be glad if your post became a sticky on this forum, it'll serve a lot to all these men and women who argue otherwise. You're not alone because so many folks have found themselves in your position. Main issue is that they subconsciously know how they ended up there, but they somehow can't remember. Life of thrills simply wasn't giving them something they wanted ("old-fashioned things like family, kids, stability, predictability) and the life they wanted was something they're actually not happy with because they wanted these thrills, lovers, lust instead of love, travels, novelty, etc.
This is why men AND women have affairs, with main difference being that men keep these affairs separate because they won't get residential custody over children and because they'll definitely need to leave the joint home, while women don't have to worry about it, which is why women actually leave if they find a love who gives signs that he'll stay with them. Timing of your new-found love seems to be bad but you still want to think of a possibility because the life that you have sucks to you. Now, just imagine if the lover showed up when you were some decades younger.... and you got your answer, just like everyone got their answer why new generations seem to be more mistrusting and unwilling to go with the "old norms" in their private lives. It doesn't end well for those who are naive enough, they observe that the folks who chase around and think of themselves first are the ones who fare well, while the ones who blindly trust or want to take the "right route" end up being ridiculed when the calamity occurs - because they should have known better.
I'm talking about mainstream behavior, not each individual: People are raised differently than they were at 1900, they have different "needs", these needs cannot be met by old-fashioned lifestyle. They THINK they want it, because at some moment they think of family, stability, children (it's also called "fear of death", so many folks don't care about small or simple things or family these days, they do it because they're afraid of their own mortality) - then once they have it, they figure out that the setting they have doesn't fulfill them.

Last edited by nald; 11-14-2014 at 12:51 AM.. Reason: bold/ephasized important clauses. post is very long, impatient folks can read the important things quickly.
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Old 11-14-2014, 01:05 AM
 
5,802 posts, read 11,831,832 times
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Same thing for our marriage ! we've been together for 22 years now, when we met we were already middle aged (37 and 43). We had sex all right, but it progressively petered out, not our "togetherness" though. And then what ? are we obliged to have sex in our early sixties now to please the political correct crowd ?
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Old 11-14-2014, 01:29 AM
 
49 posts, read 76,949 times
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I have a friend who, at retirement age, decided that his time on earth is getting shorter everyday, got a divorce and seem much happier.

You and your DH have different sex drives. Many people with similar experiences here: Sex in Marriage

It doesn't matter what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. All you have to decide is: do you think you will be happier to 1) do nothing, stay with your husband and wonder until one of you dies, or 2) take risks to be single again and see if you'll have someone who can better fulfill you emotionally/physically.
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Old 11-14-2014, 07:31 AM
 
17,466 posts, read 38,890,196 times
Reputation: 24116
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
Which basically means you just confirm what this forum had discussed ad nauseam. You had you fun in life, then you had to flock to have that 'old fashioned setting' that none of your beloved boyfriends wanted you in (since they saw you as a liability, or you saw them as such at some point), you found a guy who was naive enough not to know you or his desires ignored the signs that probably told him not to - and that's where the life took this course. You got lucky that you found that guy, he got lucky that you were unlucky to find this "professional" at least 10 years before, you made it into the statistic of happily married 50% during our modern era. Now you wage your chances and your mind tells you to keep the sparrow in your hand instead of chasing the pigeon on the tree. But something tells you that you'll be able to take that pigeon as well, so you might wish to try to have both worlds, it's good to fantasize about it, even if you never make a move.
You make some good points in your long (I only quoted part) post MINUS the rude personal attacks. I knew when I made my thread I would get some of that here on this forum. Not that it is yours or anyone else's business, but I was in an abusive first marriage, and met my current husband during that time. He helped me through a difficult time and I fell in love with him DESPITE the sexual differences! This current marriage ended up being very difficult for the first 20 years, which I am not going into (I'm NOT just talking sex here) but I stuck with it. It has only settled down for the last 10, where we are mostly "content" for lack of a better word.

This opinion is probably not popular, but at this late stage in my life I have come to feel that for many if not even most of us, we are not wired to have just one partner for life. People evolve and grow, or grow apart, tastes change, health changes, so many variables. I actually like being alone, when I was young I lived alone and went places alone. As it is now, husband and I do things separately (although we do some things together, too) but we have separate rooms, and once even considered separate residences, which is still a possibility in the future.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts so far (including the quoted poster). Hopefully others can relate to this and evaluate their lives and situation.
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Old 11-14-2014, 07:41 AM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,155,680 times
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Frankly, I would never in a million years marry someone who didn't knock my socks off in bed. So in that respect, OP, you made yours. Not saying you have to lie in it. People older than you are get divorced every day. But saying that it was your choice to marry a selfish man who does not care about your needs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pigeonhole View Post
Same thing for our marriage ! we've been together for 22 years now, when we met we were already middle aged (37 and 43). We had sex all right, but it progressively petered out, not our "togetherness" though. And then what ? are we obliged to have sex in our early sixties now to please the political correct crowd ?
It's a long OP, but your situation is different. It seems you don't want sex anymore. OP still does.
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