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So you don't believe in emotional cheating? You'd be fine with your husband going out to lunch with a female co-worker that he fantasizes about and goes home and pleasures himself while thinking of her? Since its not physically cheating its fine then right?
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Originally Posted by deevel79
Actually it does. I suggest you go read his post again... He asked would it be cheating if you self stimulate to another human being.
I have read his post a bunch of times. He says that watching porn is cheating. He says getting a tingly feeling when someone passes you by is cheating. These things have nothing to do with someone going out to lunch with a co-worker that he fantasizes about and then going home and masturbating while thinking of her. I do believe in emotional cheating. I do not agree with his post. Since his post and your question do not have anything to do with each other - it is possible that I can agree with one and not the other.
By cheating I mean kissing somebody else, having sex with somebody else. If you haven't have you ever come close? Do you think people react differently when men cheat versus when women cheat?
No, I have never cheated on any men I've dated. I thought about it couple of times when I was mad at my ex's mother. I couldn't hurt him that way, most importantly, I couldn't lie to myself. Guilt will perhaps kill me anyway.
At the end of the day all it takes is being honest with yourself. Know your triggers, know appropriate from inappropriate behavior given your circumstance. Just because it's "not fun" or ideal to think about doesn't discount it's importance in personal growth.
If you respect the one you are with and understand yourself and your faults you would never allow another in to have cheating take place. Understand WHY you seek relationships before getting in to them and be honest with those you attempt to involve about who you are and your intentions. Don't sugar coat your story to persuade people in to giving you what you seek.
If all you do is excuse yourself and others you are actively avoiding being taught. Self teaching is an important skill to have, if all you do is rely on others to show you the errors of your ways you will have to constantly make the wrong choices to learn.
It's a passive way to be that will never lead to anywhere but more of the same. You will need to keep making "mistakes" in order to understand
Is something we all learn and deal with. Whether or not we understand what we are doing at the time it's happening.
If you have ever watched porn or ever fantasized about another human being while being in a committed relationship, you have cheated. If you have ever gotten a tingly feeling and became sexually aroused after someone passed you by and had a whiff of that perfume or cologne, you cheated. If you visited a strip club and engaged in placing a dollar bill in between the breasts of another woman while married or in a relationship, you cheated.
Well, according to you I have cheated on my bf with a few famous athletes I know I will never even meet, let alone actually be physical with (and if I ever had that one in a million chance, I would still never cheat). Your post is an immature way of looking at cheating. People don't get put on trial for their thoughts.
If you have ever gotten a tingly feeling and became sexually aroused after someone passed you by and had a whiff of that perfume or cologne, you cheated. ...
The point that I am trying to make is that there is no way around it... Stop lying to yourself.
I have to admit you stirred my pot with that line of BS, but as Lilac110 quickly noted "If you think about robbing a bank but don't actually do so, you haven't committed a crime and you can't be arrested for it. Same thing." Thanks for a perfect analogy
So you don't believe in emotional cheating? You'd be fine with your husband going out to lunch with a female co-worker that he fantasizes about and goes home and pleasures himself while thinking of her? Since its not physically cheating its fine then right?
When my girlfriend sees a hunk in the strert Im sure she turns around to check him out. You know why? Because she's a woman. And you know what? I don't care, because I do the same thing when I see a hot girl.
When my girlfriend sees a hunk in the strert Im sure she turns around to check him out. You know why? Because she's a woman. And you know what? I don't care, because I do the same thing when I see a hot girl.
Your standards are not realistic.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging someone attractive on the street. My woman and I do it all the time. Your reply had absolutely nothing to do with my post though. My post was aimed at those who said cheating is only cheating when its physical and not in your mind. Therefore I asked if you would be fine with your significant other pleasuring themselves to someone (for example) that he/she works with and fantasizes over?
A better qu would have been - if you once cheated , would you continue to cheat or do you feel you are now a changed person from that experience?
Humans have the ability to change for the better and that is more important than this trivial pursuit of trying to know someone's past actions.
Yes, I think this is an excellent point. You hear the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" on this forum. I don't think that's necessarily true.
I've known people who either cheated or were cheated on. Once the infidelity was discovered and time allowed things to heal, it allowed the couple to really understand what drove the cheating in the first place. The marriages actually got better as a result.
Mind you, that's NOT an excuse for those who do. And I'm certainly not blaming the affronted spouse. But conditions in a marriage have to be ripe for cheating for it to occur. As I stated in an earlier post, people do not just wake up one day and say, "Huh. I'm going to cheat today." Nope. Instead, it's the end result of the marriage's foundation eroding, and that typically is done by both parties.
I saw it a lot in my thirties and forties. Essentially those are the busy times when both partners in a marriage get so consumed by the business of work and raising children that they forget what's most important in their lives. So if you're a husband whose wife is always absorbed with the kids or if you're a wife whose husband is absorbed in work (Yes, I know that's an unfair gender stereotype, but that's typically what happens in my experience), you begin to wonder where you are in your spouse's list of priorities.
So then someone comes along who puts you at the top of their priority list. You forgot what it's like to feel that way. A friend of mine characterized it as discovering the fountain of youth. Suddenly, you aren't the drudge anymore, the helpmate in life (It didn't help that his wife was a cold, cold woman who always spoke to him as if he were five. Heck, when I told my wife about it, she said, "God. What took him so long?). Instead, you are once again an attractive and sexually desirable person and it feels good to be thought of that way.
I guess what I'm saying here is that the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality is a bit simplistic, because it writes off someone when there were other factors in play that can be addressed in a marriage. To be sure, there are some people who would cheat in absolutely perfect marriages. But the ones I've encountered were people who would have been horrified at the beginning of their marriage at what they slowly became over time.
A better qu would have been - if you once cheated , would you continue to cheat or do you feel you are now a changed person from that experience?
Humans have the ability to change for the better and that is more important than this trivial pursuit of trying to know someone's past actions.
This would be me.
I no longer have a desire to cheat, the idea of it replusses me now.
Coming out of my 20's I lost a lot of (truly) good things becuase of the perosn I allowed myself to become which triggered A huge change with me.
Long story, so I won't bother with it.
Perspective and outlook has a lot to do with where you end up in life, including other people's beds
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