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I know shy and introverted are not the same thing but there are a good number of people who are shy [Uand[/u]introverted. This thread is about understandingwhy a man may reach a certain age without a relationship. Understand that not all guys are willing to go through all of that rejection.
It is very understandable how people (regardless of gender) reach a certain age without a relationship. I've never seen anyone here (or anywhere else) say otherwise, so it's not even an argument as far as I'm concerned. Yes, plenty of people end up without relationships-- That's a given.
To say that people reach middle age without ever having an opportunity for a relationship is a different thing entirely, though. It's difficult to imagine that even the most shy, awkward, unattractive person has never had anyone demonstrate even the slightest interest in them. What is far more likely is that they have had opportunities but either didn't consider the people to be up to their standards, or were too scared to follow through, or otherwise somehow blew it and then gave up.
A man is still in the role of the pursuer whether he is shy, introverted or not. The ball is still in his court! I am very shy when it comes to dating, when I like a man he won't even know it because I'm too shy to show him. Now in every other facet of my life I'm outgoing, friendly, and relatively confident but when it comes to sharing my feelings and being vulnerable with someone that I'm unsure will do the same, I tense up. So trust me, I get the fear of being rejected.WE ALL DO, this doesn't make you special because you've felt it once or twice or ten dozen times. One sting of rejection is enough to paralyze anyone. The difference is most people keep moving on with their life, accepting that not everyone will like them but that someone will.
I'd say I'm fairly attractive, most people will say I'm attractive (at least this is what they like to tell me--maybe its all lies haha) and on a good day I'd say I'm attractive but that still hasn't changed the number of men that approach me. I'm friendly, I try to be considerate of others, treat people kindly, I like to have fun and think I'm easy going, overall I think I have a pretty good personality and I know that I'm honest to a fault. But this hasn't really tipped the scales for me in terms of how many guys are knocking down doors to speak to me.
Instead what often happens--because I play the role of the "pursuee"--is that these guys will come tell me years later that they had a crush on me, but at this point it does neither of us good because at that point I had moved on with life (relocated, etc). I was single that entire time that they were interested and remained so because I--as society puts it--expected them to take the dominating role of initiating an interest. They did not. Some of them could of had the chance to date me but because they did not take advantage of being in that dominant role of "pursuer," they remained single.
So although shy and being introverted can play a role it's not the debilitating trait you're trying to make it out to be. Because the fact remains Men--given their expected and readily accepted dominant role--have more chances to go get what they want. Whereas more women are trained to sit and wait for what they want.
If you as a man don't take advantage of the ability to be the "go getter" in the genders than the fault is yours.
P.S. I have had shy and introverted guys pursue me--in fact it almost always seems to be the ones with the biggest egos that can't speak up when they're interested.
So basically what your saying is that if a man reached 40 without a relationship it's his fault and if a woman reached 40 without a relationship its not her fault? Got it.
People don't understand because they don't try to. People are different, not everyone can handle a crap ton of rejections and just keep going at least not in this segment of life. Yes no sympathy needed people just need to understand and accept this.
In their younger days they tried getting active in the community. They tried talking to people more. From what they told me, they hated it and just accepted that they weren't outgoing people. So overall, they tried... and failed. It's either in you or it isn't.
And those people (not just "guys" -- enough with the gender-specific BS) end up without dates, while those of us who who accept that rejection is part of life and move on end up with dates.
Why is it so hard to believe that some guys just didn't have the opportunity to have relationships, sex, etc.
What some of us, dudes included, don't believe is that women don't find you attractive at all. Some of you guys say that just bc no women have ever approached you, there's no point in approaching women. You're wrong, but you'll never believe it. I don't understand dudes who just fold and play dead without ever trying.
So basically what your saying is that if a man reached 40 without a relationship it's his fault and if a woman reached 40 without a relationship its not her fault? Got it.
People don't understand because they don't try to. People are different, not everyone can handle a crap ton of rejections and just keep going at least not in this segment of life. Yes no sympathy need people just need to understand and accept this.
Yes! Thank you for this. Who cares if someone reaches 40 and never date. Guess what? A lot of people don't date. Maybe it's not their thing or they're not people persons. Maybe they find peace in being on their own. If you're in a relationship, focus on your own spouse and not on the people who don't date. Overall, mind your business.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,678 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
When someone is shy 9 times out 10, they can't overcome it. I have family members like this and they're elderly. They never had a relationship in their lives. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
And that's the saddest part, when we let our fears become debilitating. I get it, I think we all have the ability to get there but its so sad when people don't overcome it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ro2113
I have to admit MMorena, your comments are somewhat provocative. It seems as if you aren't willing to understand how a man can reach a certain age without having a relationship but you could probably understand how a woman can. If this isn't the case please clarify.
This is not a game of biased agenda, I'm simply saying that a man assuming the "traditional" male role within society has more opportunity to date than a woman who assumes the "traditional" role of being pursued. Add the fact that there are more women in this world then men and you really start to understand the advantage a man can have over a woman in dating.
It's really all pure logic, the shakers and movers, the go-getters are the ones who often achieve the most success. In fact they will often face more rejection than the "too shy to try" individual because they're putting themselves out more to be rejected.
It's the spirit of determination that works in their favor. As a woman who chooses to take the more traditional role of being the one pursued, I am also guilty of letting "shyness" dictate my dating chances. However because it is more common for women to play this passive role in dating, it is easier to understand why a woman would experience longer periods of singleness---remember this question was and is about why do some people have a hard time believing a middle age man's life long singleness.
When you are simply in the position to "do" for yourself, people expect you to do. And like I've said in my previous posts I've seen shy AND introverted men find girlfriends. They usually aren't as bold and upfront in their pursuits, but they'll try subtle tactics like "let's study" or offer to help fix this item and that item in an effort to spend more time with you until either a. the girl makes the move or b. they're ABSOLUTELY certain she'll reciprocate.
So if a man is single by the time he's 40 without ever having had a relationship of any kind with a woman (whether purely sexual or LTR) it is because of something much deeper than just shyness.
I think the people who have success with dating, don't want to understand why others struggle. Basically, they don't care, which is fine. Just like I can't understand why outgoing people never be quiet, outgoing people don't understand why some people are shy and can't get dates. People are just different...
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,678 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100
But women can do the pursuing too. You don't have to sit and wait, it's a choice.
Yes, I know. I've said this throughout my posts but this still does not negate the fact that most women are not doing it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nearnorth
To say that people reach middle age without ever having an opportunity for a relationship is a different thing entirely, though. It's difficult to imagine that even the most shy, awkward, unattractive person has never had anyone demonstrate even the slightest interest in them. What is far more likely is that they have had opportunities but either didn't consider the people to be up to their standards, or were too scared to follow through, or otherwise somehow blew it and then gave up.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ro2113
So basically what your saying is that if a man reached 40 without a relationship it's his fault and if a woman reached 40 without a relationship its not her fault? Got it.
People don't understand because they don't try to. People are different, not everyone can handle a crap ton of rejections and just keep going at least not in this segment of life. Yes no sympathy needed people just need to understand and accept this.
Ro you really need to give up the victim card. That's not what is being said here, what is being addressed is the question--which you're moving away from because your hell bent on making this personal. The reason people will have a harder time understanding a man that is single at 40 than a woman is because he is in the position of most opportunity. This is from the sole perspective of society and our gender roles.
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