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[quote=cremebrulee;2400793]It was a difficult holiday this year....we lost our mom...and I couldn't get my son off my mind.
Creme...I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom!
How sad........
And I am also sorry to hear, that the relationship with your son hasn't gotten any better.....
I am not sure of what to say, because I can feel your pain and anguish. (I am a mom myself, and not have the best relationship with my son either anymore, since he moved in with his father....because he is getting "brain washed" as well, but from a different source)
I can only advice you to start living your life (he and her live theirs without much thinking, pondering)....and let time heal wounds.
The sad truth is.....your son is in his own "world" right now, and everything else revolves around his wife...."brainwashed" too, in a way.
Doesn't pay to get angry, upset...cry, plead....it's just like talking to the wall. (Which might have better results in a way.....huh? lol)
I know, how deeply hurt you must be......but time really IS your friend in this case.
It will never "heal" or make it "go away"...but eases a bit.
And, another thing...please STOP asking yourself "why"...because there's no answer, and it's not YOUR fault!
I wish I'd have a better answer, advice....help in any way......but, there's really nothing much you can do at all, but just to wait it out, and hope for the best.
Miracles do happen sometimes, my friend!
No, I don't need my son, not the way he is now...like I said, he is so different, like a stranger. He's not allowed to joke around much, she gets mad if he does...he seems pre occupied in thought all the time. My guess is, he is worried about making her angry or what he's going to find when he walks in the door....if she gets angry, it is not a pretty sight.
I mean the son you used to have..
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
One thing I never vocolized before....I had two knee replacements...total knee replacement....and he never came home for a day or two to be there....but, he did phone me every single day...although, I guess since he lives in another state and has a family...I can understand....and I did have my sister. It would have been nice if he had been there....but, I will say this, although I'm certain, he knew it couldn't happen, he offered me to come where he lives and have it done, but that would have been impossible.
I think you were wise to not do it at his house. Had something happened with her, then what? You're stranded like that? Thankfully you did have your sister.
I feel very sorry for your DIL that she didn't push him to go, but then again, could have been her actually stopping him.
I have to ask.. is she a Sagittarius?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
I know what you're saying and if the tables were turned would she do this with her family? Probably not. But he does it with his. Yes, she would, her mother abandoned them all when they were kids....made a living out of marrying men to take care of her, then divorced them and took them for all she could get. My DIL and her mother and sister are off and on all the time...yes, she has been hurt deeply in her life, and there was a time, when I hoped we could be friends....but she refused...she allows you so close, and then that is it, and that is not very close....but understandable, she fears failing me and then loosing the friendship, I think. I think, and this is just me, deep down, she sabotoges relationships at her convenience...or b/c she fears no one will like her...? I dunno, I'm rather tired of trying to figure her out
I think you do have her figured out. Without therapy she's a lost cause.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Yes, we tried that, but she didn't like that either, so, she pretended to like me just a little so she could have more control, and forgive me, cuz I could be wrong, but, sometimes, I think she enjoys hurting me? I dunno. Believe me, I have not put down everything she has done...it would take days....
Likes hurting you? Probably. I actually know someone like this..
The whole fact that you & your son had a relationship.. she didn't have that.. you were a threat to her. Now she has what you had and you are in her shoes. I don't doubt she gets some sort of joy from this sick situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Yeah, I hear ya there, sometimes they loose interrest...someone even suggested that she may miss my being around...beleive me I was very generous with money to them...and she may come around....but I know her, and this is what she's been striving for all along. Thank God your son didn't marry her, or you would be in the same situation....young women who have had very bad backgrounds are really hateful, jealous and immature, also self imposed....and they fight the mother in laws and call them all kinds of names???? I don't get it, fighting never solves anything. I've read some Daughter In Law stories on line and you should hear the way they talk about their mother in laws...and, some of them, have just cause, but not to call them fowl names, regardless, these women were the mothers of their hubbys and you'd think they'd realize how badly they are hurting their husbands by being like this?
Sad. This GF at one time used to blog about me.
I, along with many others knew it wasn't me that had the problem. Chances are that people that know her know she has a problem too. Hopefully your son will see.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Yes, I agree, but it can't be. Soon after she started involving herself in my life....they came to visit me...and my son and I were having a conversation...everything was going well, and all of a sudden, she just got up, and said, like a hissy fit, "Good Bye" and walked out...?????? Right then and there my son should have known what was going on. Here is the clincher, she returned to my son's father's home, and they told me when she returned, she acted as if nothing happened, walked around the house, smiling and all happy???????? Sheesh????? Meanwhile my son came back, and the end of our conversation, he started blamming me, screaming at me, and I threw him out and screamed back,,,,it was awful, very heated and very hurtful...I still cannot believe my son and I have resorted to this...I can't. It is something I never knew before.
You're not the only one that's seen stuff like that. I don't know what it is about people like that.. they have their own version of events, and I guess they come to believe it. Trust me, there were times when I thought I was crazy.. but thankfully others were in the room and saw. I can tell you that others have been alone in a situation like this and after hearing the version enough times actually think it went down like that even though they were there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Maybe it's not you he dislikes really, maybe it is misdirected anger at loosing his mother, cuz son's most of the time, are very close to their mom's and maybe he has never been able to accept loosing her....?
I'm pretty sure I know what his problem is, his mother is alive btw. After 9 years I'm getting tired of the whole thing. Maybe when I'm with his dad for 15 years he'll realize I'm not going any where and that I do actually care about him. lol Like you, I can only take so much after 9 years..
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Well, as I said, I really didn't think she wanted to talk to me, so then, when she said that, I started calling for the past 6 years, and only once, in those six years, did she ever return the call. And if I sent her a gift, she would call my answering machine and thank me so she didn't have to talk to me, she was sending me a message, and pretending in front of my son, like it hurt HER b/c I didn't call. She is very manipulative and sets up situations....amazing....my sister says, I'm to naive...and am never ready to respond to such goings on, and I'm not. It shocks me. Then I really get pissed and clam up so I don't say things I cannot take back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Nope, I'm done talking and explaining, remember, this has been going on for 10 years, and like I explained, that is a long time...and sadly I don't even know who he is anymore b/c of the time we've been apart...mentally and geographically. I don't know, if I could ever forgive him, and the more I'm around him, the more he seems short tempered, he isn't the patient man he used to be...he seems to bring things up b/c he to wants to win the conversation....that, is the only importance...it's not about feelings anymore...and when we discuss the issue, he is constantly trying to convince me, she's a decent person? Then he asks me what happened, and when I tell him he'll say, wull she didn't mean it, or I took her wrong...or I was the one who initiated it???? That is not fair to him or me. No way to be
Better to remove yourself from the situation, for now anyway. Maybe one day you will be able to have a different relationship with him again. As you said, he's a grown man.. it's time for him to live his life right now.
I don't know why he's doing this to you.. maybe he's so unhappy with the bed he's made for himself.. he could be ashamed at how he's treated you, then gets mad at himself for doing that, but takes that out on you? While you didn't raise him like that, it's what's become of him after being with her so long. He could very well be snowed by her. I don't know why good kids do things like this when they meet up with women like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
I know that....and I've contemplated it b/c of his career choice, but I'll have to deal with it if and when it happens. I can't go on like this, and with time, I'll be happier and more confident about myself. But I won't allow her or him to pull me down to that level any longer...and by the way, they go to church every week????????? Never ceases to surprise me. His stepmother abused him verbally, and even hit him, and she went to church every week...???? Go figure??????
I've seen this too. Since I stopped going to church years ago, I wonder what they teach in church these days? Maybe it's the forgiveness thing.. and how they feel that going to church excuses them from treating people like carp? I'm not trying to put people down that do go to church, I just think that some people don't get the message they are supposed to get from going to church.
Are you a good person? Did you care for your mom? Do you treat people kindly, the way you want to be treated? Did you try with this relationship? From what I'm reading you did.
Now it's time to take care of yourself & your life. You have to make yourself happy right now, you need positives in your life, not stuff to bring you down. You just lost your mom after a long illness. You must be emotionally drained. Hopefully once you're done getting all of this out, you will start healing and will find some peace in your life.
It is not you. While this has affected you, you can't do anything to change her or what he is becoming. Think what it must be like to live like that. Hopefully he will find his way back to you.
I think you were wise to not do it at his house. Had something happened with her, then what? You're stranded like that? Thankfully you did have your sister.
I feel very sorry for your DIL that she didn't push him to go, but then again, could have been her actually stopping him.
I have to ask.. is she a Sagittarius?
I think you do have her figured out. Without therapy she's a lost cause.
Likes hurting you? Probably. I actually know someone like this..
The whole fact that you & your son had a relationship.. she didn't have that.. you were a threat to her. Now she has what you had and you are in her shoes. I don't doubt she gets some sort of joy from this sick situation.
Sad. This GF at one time used to blog about me.
I, along with many others knew it wasn't me that had the problem. Chances are that people that know her know she has a problem too. Hopefully your son will see.
You're not the only one that's seen stuff like that. I don't know what it is about people like that.. they have their own version of events, and I guess they come to believe it. Trust me, there were times when I thought I was crazy.. but thankfully others were in the room and saw. I can tell you that others have been alone in a situation like this and after hearing the version enough times actually think it went down like that even though they were there.
I'm pretty sure I know what his problem is, his mother is alive btw. After 9 years I'm getting tired of the whole thing. Maybe when I'm with his dad for 15 years he'll realize I'm not going any where and that I do actually care about him. lol Like you, I can only take so much after 9 years..
Better to remove yourself from the situation, for now anyway. Maybe one day you will be able to have a different relationship with him again. As you said, he's a grown man.. it's time for him to live his life right now.
I don't know why he's doing this to you.. maybe he's so unhappy with the bed he's made for himself.. he could be ashamed at how he's treated you, then gets mad at himself for doing that, but takes that out on you? While you didn't raise him like that, it's what's become of him after being with her so long. He could very well be snowed by her. I don't know why good kids do things like this when they meet up with women like this.
I've seen this too. Since I stopped going to church years ago, I wonder what they teach in church these days? Maybe it's the forgiveness thing.. and how they feel that going to church excuses them from treating people like carp? I'm not trying to put people down that do go to church, I just think that some people don't get the message they are supposed to get from going to church.
Are you a good person? Did you care for your mom? Do you treat people kindly, the way you want to be treated? Did you try with this relationship? From what I'm reading you did.
Now it's time to take care of yourself & your life. You have to make yourself happy right now, you need positives in your life, not stuff to bring you down. You just lost your mom after a long illness. You must be emotionally drained. Hopefully once you're done getting all of this out, you will start healing and will find some peace in your life.
It is not you. While this has affected you, you can't do anything to change her or what he is becoming. Think what it must be like to live like that. Hopefully he will find his way back to you.
yeah, I hear ya...I cannot even begin to imagine.....one thing that I really find quit odd....
when we're all together, in the living room, watching TV....in the car....if she has something to say to him, she whispers, like your not there, or like she's trying to make you feel rejected???? Someone who just got married would be like that...I see her being very needy and a person who needs an extreme amount of attention, and I think he likes that, personally, I believe he likes the whole thing of her being so co-dependent on him...but honestly, I think, she is very aware of everything she does, and it's an act....b/c of how she orchastrates situations.
He and I were talking a while back, and he said, her car isn't working and she's really spazing out about it...."I thought to myself, of course she is, she wants a new care". Walla, she gets a new car. She got a horse, and I thought, watch this...she's going to get a farm...now, this is a girl who plays like she can't do anything...she finds a farm and it's a repossed farm? All by herself?????
She gives me the most God awful dirty looks when ever I'm around, and we're having a conversation...or, she puts her head down and looks like someone just took away her doll. If she is Not the center of the conversation, she sulks.
She cannot discuss anything beyond, make up, cloths and jewelry. And she pretends to be overwhelmed by family if she doesn't want to be around anyone....she really knows how to pretend...a class act. Sorry.
My son's father told me once, that they walk on egg shells all the time, b/c they're afraid, she will do the same thing to them, as she has done to me.
Very very sad. And the thing is, deep down, I know my son loves her...and why he'd rather blame me then her...and why he wants to believe it's me....I do. But it is also hard to conceive, that he would believe I'm like that? I don't know, that I could ever forget how he's yelled at me and pointed fingers at me, him of all people....I would have never in a million years?
I am so sure- her negative attitude will work well in the corporate environment (sarcasm) She is living the life of an emotional ten year old. No room for that in business.
[quote=Roselvr;2456774]
I have to ask.. is she a Sagittarius?
Hey...you can't be serious.....LOL.
Hey now.......LOL.
I am a Sagittarius...and I can get "carried away", dramatic a bit....but, I still have my brain and my heart in the right places.....ROTFL!!!
(Apparently the DIL doesn't....*smirk* )
Hey...you can't be serious.....LOL.
Hey now.......LOL.
I am a Sagittarius...and I can get "carried away", dramatic a bit....but, I still have my brain and my heart in the right places.....ROTFL!!!
(Apparently the DIL doesn't....*smirk* )
yes, I didn't answer that specifically b/c I am on the cusp, a Sag and Capricorn and I don't believe in it...I have known some that are really wonderful, like me, and some that are kinda frumpy, like you?
LOL, or should it be the other way around? Hope you know I love to kid...hugs and thanks so much
BTW I love Roselvr's idea of starting a savings account for your granddaughter!
I agree and have contemplated the thought, but presently, I've decided to keep sending money, b/c that little girl is bought the best label clothes that money can buy, and I'd like to help when I can with that...
but later, maybe that would be a great way to help her college fund, if her mother teaches her to explore other options besides gettting married to be taken care of????? Not my call...but the money would be appreciated by her, even if she did get married. whatever....
hey, all thanks so much for visiting this with me again...it is going to get better, and will be more acceptable as time goes by. I also believe, the longer things are left as they are, the less likely it will be that we will resolve the issue....
quit frankly I am at peace with my decission, it's the way it must be....
there is something else....she knows my feelings for my son's stepmother, and I know she doesn't like her either, but, she also knows the heartships my son's stepmother has caused, legal battle and all, b/c she was abusing my son. So, she gravitates my son towards them (we all know the husband goes where the wife wants to go) and she knows that is the ultimate hurt for me, and after all this, my son, calls this woman mom...which I've tried hard to ignore, but when I think of that woman who slapped my son across the face, several times...and mentally cut down his confidence...I just have a hard time with it. His father adopted her 3 kids and I know my son wants to be a part of that family...so, I think this decission of mine, is the best.
For all these years except the last, when ever they come home, they've stayed with his father, and that used to cut me deep....b/c she didn't want to stay at my home. Then when they did come over, they fit me in, yanno...and she'd talk to him real soft in front of me, about we have to do this with your parents, or we have to do that with your parents....and as hard as I try, not to be jealous, it hurts deeply...I can't bear it. So, be it.
So, this way, it makes it easier all the way around.
yes, I didn't answer that specifically b/c I am on the cusp, a Sag and Capricorn and I don't believe in it...I have known some that are really wonderful, like me, and some that are kinda frumpy, like you?
LOL, or should it be the other way around? Hope you know I love to kid...hugs and thanks so much
Creme
Sure do know, my lill' partner in "crime".....LOL.
....quit frankly I am at peace with my decission, it's the way it must be....
Hugs to you all
Creme
Amen, my friend....you can't "make" them see the light (thank's for the interference of your DIL! )
Adjust, live and love life.....they are old enough, have to make up their own choices, minds and let them make each other miserable.....don't get "sucked into their little black hole".
Whatever it is...it is.
Let it be.....Good for you to be at peace!
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