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Old 01-03-2008, 06:25 AM
 
13,759 posts, read 12,314,488 times
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It was a difficult holiday this year....we lost our mom...and I couldn't get my son off my mind.

As most of you know, I have a very dysfunctional DIL...and I've concluded that she is narcissistic, and very disturbed, especially after my last visit. And, as most of you do know....I've asked my son to stay away....as my last visit proved that my grand daughter is becoming more and more like her mother...she has way to much to say, and doesn't listen well...way to independent for her own good.

So, I've done, what I thought has been best for all of us...it's not healthy to be around her, not to mention....my son blames me for the problems between us, and has yelled at me at times, like I'm a child. I can't forgive him for what he has done and said. Isn't that awful....I was thinking about it on the way to work and over Christmas...and thought, of all people, he knows me the most...and best, and yet, chose to blame me, rather then realize where teh real problem lies. And, my son, knows she has erased emails, she has also, erased phone messages...she has thrown clothing and other things out that I've given her and my grand daughter, and yet, he allowed this?????? By the way, I just found out about that, this past June....but honestly did suspect she was throwing things out.

She is a sick woman...really sick, and I keep thinking about how one person can cause so many other people much pain for the rest of their lives, but more then her, I blame him....for compromising his entire identity, family and friends for this woman....He has no hobbies any more, he works 3 jobs...he does the housework, goes grocery shopping, b/c she pretends she can't go herself....and when they're baby was born, he did everything, and others saw it....I just cannot believe the extent some people will go to for love? I mean, he not only compromised who he is, but has also, turned against his family and friends. The only friends they have are 2 couples, that She allows into their lives and all she does is talk about them....and they are nice people...really nice people?????


I can't help but wonder, what "I" did, that he has accepted so little....

and, there are no answers, nothing to be done....It just hurts sometime...I honestly, do not know this man, who I call my son....it's so hard...and no one, not even a counselor, can take away that hurt....

Yes, it's his life, but I'm still his mother, not to mention, he was at one time, the light of my life and the only child, I could carry full term...I lost 3 others...

Just wanted to vent, I know there are no answers...and I keep hoping that something will change...but it won't. My son's step mother is just like this woman he married....mean, calculating, and he saw his father put up with her, and deems this normal behavior. You have no idea the cruel things this step mother of his did....really mean woman....and his father stayed with her, cuz he knew if he didn't, she'd take him for EVERYTHING...as his father adoped her 3 children....and my son's wife would do the same thing.

Do you know, her mother, made a living, never worked a day in her life, b/c she kept marrying men, who were wealthy, and then divorce them, and take them for a real financial ride...can you just imagine the kind of women these people are????????

Sick....yanno, really sick...and for this, my son, gave up everything? I wrote him a letter, asking them to stay away and asked him, what it was that he did in his life, that he feels he deserves so little, and said, I would not allow him back in my life, until he seeks out counseling and I go along with the two of them.

I will say this, it has taken 10 years for me to be able to say, my DIL is mentally disturbed and needs severe help...and I won't be around her any longer. She possesses no soul, no conscience....everything she does, is about results, she doesn't give a darn about anyone elses feelings or the lives she has destroyed.


Nuff said...guess I just needed to vent.


Sorry.


Creme
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Old 01-03-2008, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,243,832 times
Reputation: 917
Default Everyone needs to vent from time to time....

You've had recent sadness in your life and on the vulnerability scale, it is tipping quite low right now. Give yourself a reprieve in the form of introspect. You care, of course you do, about your son's happiness, but you can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself.

Don't be reactive in your disappointment. Don't ask him to stay away, if anything, be there for him when and if it all implodes.

I've mentioned The Secret on occasion. I applied it to my life about a year ago. At the time I was obsessed with disappointments in my life; my disappointments in people. I diverted those thoughts of disappointment to thoughts of gratitude at night before I fell to sleep; and my whole life changed. By acknowledging what I was grateful for at the end of the day, I fell asleep with a clear conscious of finality. A sort of "the day is over and this is what was great about it." The list is the same; occasionally I'll throw in something special or new.

You can't change your son's marriage, you can't change your DIL or your grand-daughter, but you can change your reaction to them. We all want better for our children and would move mountains if we could, but if they don't budge, we can't beat ourselves up over it. Be grateful for things like wishes, even if they've yet to develop, be grateful for them as if they have.

"I am grateful for the health, happiness and safety of (insert names)."
"I am grateful that ______ and _______ have a happy and loving marriage."
"I am grateful that my grand-daughter loves and respects her father."

Did I mention that my gratitude list has very little to do with me?

Make amends. Let your DIL throw everything away...they are only things. All that we are and all that we were can only be measured when we are called home. That's all that matters, the end. All the drama, disappointment, nonsense in between is just that, nonsense. What really matters is the final chapter.

In my final chapter, I want to be the hero, not the one that had hurt feelings for 103 years. (I'm an optimist, ha!)
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Old 01-03-2008, 07:52 AM
 
Location: Virginia
6,530 posts, read 9,223,130 times
Reputation: 3057
Well, hate to give such a short answer, but......

The best you can do is take a couple of steps back from the situation. Maybe to the point where the next contact you have with your son is initiated by him. I have in-laws and parents that don't really get along and for my mother the best thing she can do is to just not worry about it and don't participate in any ugliness, understand that there are times that I have to do things with the in-laws and can't be with her, and be accepting of the fact that I am well aware of the positives and negatives of my in-laws and that I don't need to be reminded of it and realize that I will carve out time for her as well.....

The difference of course is that my wife and I are on the same page and that I get along fine with her parents and she gets along fine with mine......
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Old 01-03-2008, 07:53 AM
 
13,759 posts, read 12,314,488 times
Reputation: 7836
Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
You've had recent sadness in your life and on the vulnerability scale, it is tipping quite low right now. Give yourself a reprieve in the form of self-introspect. You care, of course you do, about your son's happiness, but you can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself.

Don't be reactive in your disappointment. Don't ask him to stay away, if anything, be there for him when and if it all implodes.

I've mentioned The Secret on occasion. I applied it to my life about a year ago. At the time I was obsessed with disappointments in my life; my disappointments in people. I diverted those thoughts of disappointment to thoughts of gratitude at night before I fell to sleep; and my whole life changed. By acknowledging what I was grateful for at the end of the day, I fell asleep with a clear conscious of finality. A sort of "the day is over and this is what was great about it." The list is the same; occasionally I'll throw in something special or new.

You can't change your son's marriage, you can't change your DIL or your grand-daughter, but you can change your reaction to them. We all want better for our children and would move mountains if we could, but if they don't budge, we can't beat ourselves up over it. Be grateful for things like wishes, even if they've yet to develope, be grateful for them as if they have.

"I am grateful for the health, happiness and safety of (insert names)."
"I am grateful that ______ and _______ have a happy and loving marriage."
"I am grateful that my grand-daughter loves and respects her father."

Did I mention that my gratitude list has very little to do with me?

Make amends. Let your DIL throw everything away...they are only things. All that we are and all that we were can only be measured when we are called home. That's all that matters, the end. All the drama, disappointment, nonsense in between is just that, nonsense. What really matters is the final chapter.
Hi....
I know you are right, and also know you've got a very large heart...and most of the time do apply this to the situation...but, threre are times, when I miss my son....miss his sense of humor (she gets angry if he jokes around), miss sharing his life...meaning hearing about what is going on in his life....

And I can't change things and go back....as, she was waiting for this to happen...and is now very pleased with it...with me out of their lives, not that I was in it much...but you must understand, he mother abandoned her, therefore, she grew up very independently....never knowing a family environment, and is quickly overwhelmed by family, she fears it, therefore, she pushes all relationships away from him...

oh and by the way, she orchastrates situations as such, that you don't want to be around them much or long....most people cannot stand being around her more then 3 days...you see, they live in another state...therefore, when you go and visit, believe me, you keep the visit short.

I bet, though, she is shocked that I put up with it this long. I know I am, and I know he is...LOL

So, yes, you are right, and as I said before, I do know there is nothing I can do....and most issues with people do not bother me, but this, this is my son....my only child, and to boot, I've never been smothering, matter of fact, if he was coming over to visit me, I'd require a phone call....and really can't be around people to much....and once had a mother in law that was overbearing and ran the show....therefore, I vowed, that would never be me....

Anyway, I have literally said nothing in this post...and know your every word is correct....it's just difficult to forget him and let go completely....he's my son....

Hugs and thank you
Creme

Last edited by cremebrulee; 01-03-2008 at 08:08 AM..
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,243,832 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Hi....
I know you are right, and also know you've got a very large heart...and most of the time do apply this to the situation...but, there are times, when I miss my son....miss his sense of humor (she gets angry if he jokes around), miss sharing his life...meaning hearing about what is going on in his life....

And I can't change things and go back....as, she was waiting for this to happen...and is now very pleased with it...with me out of their lives, not that I was in it much...but you must understand, he mother abandoned her, therefore, she grew up very independently....never knowing a family environment, and is quickly overwhelmed by family, she fears it, therefore, she pushes all relationships away from him...

So, yes, you are right, and as I said before, I do know there is nothing I can do....and most issues with people do not bother me, but this, this is my son....my only child, and to boot, I've never been smothering, matter of fact, if he was coming over to visit me, I'd require a phone call....and really can't be around people to much....and once had a mother in law that was overbearing and ran the show....therefore, I vowed, that would never be me....

Anyway, I have literally said nothing in this post...and know your every word is correct....it's just difficult to forget him and let go completely....he's my son....

Hugs and thank you
Creme
Trust me, I know what this feels like. Two days ago my 16 year old called me by her stepmother's name and called her dad's house "home." So I know this feeling. Seven years, nothing like this has ever happened and I have to ignore it. I can't blame her for her spazy teenage hormonal brain.

I was the dark horse in my divorce, no money, no one backing me up. One thing I did know and could predict is that I was her only mother and that she and I would have just one relationship, no matter how many forces there were to drag her away from me emotionally. We were going to only have one relationship.

Yes you miss your son; that is something I am not looking forward to. The time DOES fly by as they grow up. Creme, dear, it's time to reinvent your relationship.

To start, I would journal to him. "Today I remembered that funny thing you did when you were seven......." Write down your feelings. Sort of an adult baby book. Words have power and someday he may have the opportunity to read and appreciate them. If not, those words still have powers.

My sister is your son, my BIL is your DIL. There is nothing I can do for her and her horrible marriage. My little sister is gone, destroyed, but I can reinvent my relationship with this sister, the person she is today. Reinvent your relationship, ignore the behaviors of everyone else. Take the highest of high roads and feel good about it.

Healing doesn't happen overnight...it's a gradual stair climb.
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:16 AM
 
1,729 posts, read 210,303 times
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Wow, sorry that the holiday season was so rough! It seems, as least for me, that the holidays are difficult enough without suffering a profound loss.

I think, at least for now, that distancing yourself is OK. We were talking about "triangling" in another thread and really, the way to get out of a triangle or a family dynamic is to draw a line as you have done.

Something will change. Your son may not be ready today to face the reality of his wife, but you have planted a seed and he is, at some level, going to start processing this information.

And needless to say, I'm sure you did nothing wrong in raising him. It's hard to strike a balance between encouraging children to be giving versus showing them how to assert themselves if they give too much. He'll figure out how to balance it out, I feel quite sure.

I guess I'm sort of an optimist too. [I thought for a second that MainStreet was an optometrist, but that just shows you how bad my eyes are!].
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,243,832 times
Reputation: 917
Quote:
Originally Posted by goldenmom7500 View Post
Wow, sorry that the holiday season was so rough! It seems, as least for me, that the holidays are difficult enough without suffering a profound loss.

I think, at least for now, that distancing yourself is OK. We were talking about "triangling" in another thread and really, the way to get out of a triangle or a family dynamic is to draw a line as you have done.

Something will change. Your son may not be ready today to face the reality of his wife, but you have planted a seed and he is, at some level, going to start processing this information.

And needless to say, I'm sure you did nothing wrong in raising him. It's hard to strike a balance between encouraging children to be giving versus showing them how to assert themselves if they give too much. He'll figure out how to balance it out, I feel quite sure.

I guess I'm sort of an optimist too. [I thought for a second that MainStreet was an optometrist, but that just shows you how bad my eyes are!].
Darn spell check....did I put optometrist, darn computer is working so slow this morning, it would take it an hour to go scroll and check!

I bolded the above...something WILL change. It's cliché, but we are only given what we can endure.

And don't think I'm not with you on this narcissistic evil of a DIL. That is an impossible personality, without cure or resolution. You can warn the most intelligent against a NPD in their life and they won't listen until that evil betrays them and they can look back and see what that warning was about.

If I had my wish, I would ignite little light bulbs over everyone's head like an Edison fairy. Push everyone out of the way of those narcissistic buses accelerating right for them. Pad the ground with my own body as they fall off those evil relationship ladders. Can't be done. Impossible.

I'm planning for my college bound love (which, ok, ode to BigDawg...I'm crying now) I might be a 50% mom now, but 18 months isn't that long and boom, my mothering will be sequestered to a phone and scrapbooks.

Our children are purest of loves. Sometimes, our only love, and the absence of that is unbearable at times. We must not wallow! A goal or plan for me, will be volunteering with children; celebrating my daughter's life by sharing my time and love with other children that don't have great mom's like me or Creme.
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 224,532 times
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There comes a time, as painful as it is, when one decides no more. It's a mental decision before it becomes an emotional decision. It is heartbreaking at first and takes years to accept. I know because it has happened to me. We mothers always remember our adult children as they were as children, and there is no love as great as a parent's for a child. It is very, very difficult to send a son or daughter away, but no one, especially at this stage in life should tolerate disharmony. I have been reminded that had these people in my own life stayed, my life would not be as free and peaceful as it is. Mothers usually blame themselves when our offspring change and disapppoint; it took me many years to realize I had done nothing wrong. They know the door is always open; now it's up to them. You've done your part. Take care, Creme
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:39 AM
 
13,759 posts, read 12,314,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
Trust me, I know what this feels like. Two days ago my 16 year old called me by her stepmother's name and called her dad's house "home." So I know this feeling. Seven years, nothing like this has ever happened and I have to ignore it. I can't blame her for her spazy teenage hormonal brain.

I was the dark horse in my divorce, no money, no one backing me up. One thing I did know and could predict is that I was her only mother and that she and I would have just one relationship, no matter how many forces there were to drag her away from me emotionally. We were going to only have one relationship.

Yes you miss your son; that is something I am not looking forward to. The time DOES fly by as they grow up. Creme, dear, it's time to reinvent your relationship.

To start, I would journal to him. "Today I remembered that funny thing you did when you were seven......." Write down your feelings. Sort of an adult baby book. Words have power and someday he may have the opportunity to read and appreciate them. If not, those words still have powers.

My sister is your son, my BIL is your DIL. There is nothing I can do for her and her horrible marriage. My little sister is gone, destroyed, but I can reinvent my relationship with this sister, the person she is today. Reinvent your relationship, ignore the behaviors of everyone else. Take the highest of high roads and feel good about it.

Healing doesn't happen overnight...it's a gradual stair climb.
I'm sorry, but I just cannot get past the hurt right now, and can't remember anything funny he did of late, b/c you have to remember, for the last 10 years she has been driving a wedge in our relationship, so we saw each other less and less, to boot, he lives out of state....but the hurt of what he has done, has driven way to deep that there are no longer good memories, other then his childhood....whenever we were together for the past 10 years, you either said nothing, and were on egg shells all the time.....she is unbearable...dictating the subjects you discuss, and if she becomes boared, which her social skills and knowledge on anything beyond make up, jewelry and clothes, is next to nill. As I said, there is no going back....she has been striving for this...and now says, she will never be around me again...b/c of MY Behavior???????? But doesn't admit to him that she yelled at me over and over again, when he wasn't there....turned to me and yelled at me, like I was some diseased adult.."will you chill out and just go away?"

Sorry to be such a downer today...but, this is not mendable, and right now, I cannot see anything positive in this entire situation...what I've done is come to terms with the hurt that he has instituted...to me, it is a coward's way out...to turn on your family instead of facing the issues at hand...I hold him more accountable then her, actually.

I don't expect much, but respect and consideration....and believe me, since she has entered the picture, there hasn't been much....you have no idea.

And then there is my girlfriend, who has 4 DIL's and they function normally, and get along fine...yes, there are small issues, but they are all mature enough to get along, plus they all love her so much, they want her there, at their parties, New Year's Eve Parties, etc. That is how my son Used to be...he always wanted me there....so much so, that I had to say no sometimes....and now, nothing...

such a shame...that he allowed this to happen and didn't put her in her place in the beginning.

see, when this all started, we decided that when they came home, my son and I would have one day together, as they had other people to visit...well, she didn't like this either and demanded to be there....see, she couldn't stand it that we had one day, maybe twice a year when they came home that we, my son and I spent together????? She found out, she could control the situation, much more to her liking, by pretending to tollerate me. We used to go out, and go see and do things...now, last visit, we just sat around, b/c she didn't want to do anything. Oh, and the one resturant, I always looked foreward to going to when I go visit them, we couldn't go, cause there was another SHE liked better????????

She is draining.....
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:50 AM
 
13,759 posts, read 12,314,488 times
Reputation: 7836
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post
There comes a time, as painful as it is, when one decides no more. It's a mental decision before it becomes an emotional decision. It is heartbreaking at first and takes years to accept. I know because it has happened to me. We mothers always remember our adult children as they were as children, and there is no love as great as a parent's for a child. It is very, very difficult to send a son or daughter away, but no one, especially at this stage in life should tolerate disharmony. I have been reminded that had these people in my own life stayed, my life would not be as free and peaceful as it is. Mothers usually blame themselves when our offspring change and disapppoint; it took me many years to realize I had done nothing wrong. They know the door is always open; now it's up to them. You've done your part. Take care, Creme
I am so so sorry you know this first hand, and yes, it is most tragic and painful and takes a very long time to come to the decission I have resorted to, but feel it is best for all of us..., yanno, what saddens me most, is all this time lost, of knowing my son as an adult....his job requires his full attention and is dangerous, as he is a police officer. and if something would happen to him, God, keep me away from her....she is so unappreciative for anything he does for her...and right, he shouldn't be...he's sold his soul....and it cuts deep to see him accept so little....and then say, he is happy...and at times, I get so darn upset with his father, b/c his father accepted so little....and in his actions, told my son, that his step mother's behavior was acceptable.

sheeeshhhhh
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