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Old 12-01-2014, 12:54 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,455 times
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Hello.

I'm Swiss (from a German canton) and my partner is American, even though she has lived in Switzerland for many years (she came to study here and stayed). We have a 3 year old son together. I don't enjoy public displays of affection, they make me uncomfortable and at least here other people find it very annoying and disrespectful. She still doesn't understand I don't want to hold hands in public, I don't kiss on the lips in public and won't make a spectacle with our son in front of other people.

I was abroad for 6 months once and she almost jumped on me at the airport while my parents were watching!

Needless to say, she cries very easily. We were watching a TV report on children with cancer and she cried. I mean, she doesn't even know those children! I also don't like how she hugs and kisses me in front of our son. I always have to remind her when he's around.

I only enjoy physical contact for a certain thing you can imagine. Is that hard to grasp that I don't like it?
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,158 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82879
It's not that hard. Is it hard for YOU to grasp that she does like it?

Sounds like a compromise is in order.

You have two things working against you as a couple: culture clash as well as different ways of expressing love.

Look into this:

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

One more thing...

Some would say that showing SOME appropriate affection in front of your son is a way of teaching him about expressive love. It also reassures him that Mom and Dad are in love, which, whether they know it or not, is very important for children to feel secure.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:03 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,498,926 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by MastroBar View Post
Hello.

I'm Swiss (from a German canton) and my partner is American, even though she has lived in Switzerland for many years (she came to study here and stayed). We have a 3 year old son together. I don't enjoy public displays of affection, they make me uncomfortable and at least here other people find it very annoying and disrespectful. She still doesn't understand I don't want to hold hands in public, I don't kiss on the lips in public and won't make a spectacle with our son in front of other people.

I was abroad for 6 months once and she almost jumped on me at the airport while my parents were watching!

Needless to say, she cries very easily. We were watching a TV report on children with cancer and she cried. I mean, she doesn't even know those children! I also don't like how she hugs and kisses me in front of our son. I always have to remind her when he's around.

I only enjoy physical contact for a certain thing you can imagine. Is that hard to grasp that I don't like it?
Why "is it hard to grasp" that she does?

And why would you think YOUR way is the ONLY way to be? Sounds pretty egotistical to me.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,588 posts, read 41,867,584 times
Reputation: 50388
Cultural differences plus what may in fact be a behavioral incompatibility makes things rough.

If you want a happy, lasting relationship, giving a bit on both your parts will be essential. You will likely have to make a point to become more comfortable with being demonstrative than comes naturally, and she'll need to understand that being extremely effusive publicly makes you uncomfortable and tone it down a bit.

I do think its interesting that you seem to find empathy incomprehensible, and refusal to show affection around children isn't the healthiest of behavior.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:07 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,455 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
It's not that hard. Is it hard for YOU to grasp that she does like it?

Sounds like a compromise is in order.

You have two things working against you as a couple: culture clash as well as different ways of expressing love.

Look into this:

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

One more thing...

Some would say that showing SOME appropriate affection in front of your son is a way of teaching him about expressive love. It also reassures him that Mom and Dad are in love, which, whether they know it or not, is very important for children to feel secure.
She has lived here for several years, I don't think the cultural clash would matter that much. There's only a clash when her family comes to visit, they make so much noise with each other! I have to remind them you have to keep it down here or the neighbours might call the police.

My son feels very secure without his parents making out in front of him.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:08 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,311,017 times
Reputation: 42508
Rejecting her affection except when you feel like having sex is a pretty efficient way to shut down any desire she has for you. I'd say you have a problem, yes.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,588 posts, read 41,867,584 times
Reputation: 50388
So, wait...you ONLY tolerate physical contact when having sex? Did I read that right?
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,498,926 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Rejecting her affection except when you feel like having sex is a pretty efficient way to shut down any desire she has for you. I'd say you have a problem, yes.
I knew someone with a partner like him - that person eventually became so starved for attention that they began a series of affairs, one right after the other. Sad.
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,158 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82879
Quote:
Originally Posted by MastroBar View Post
She has lived here for several years, I don't think the cultural clash would matter that much. There's only a clash when her family comes to visit, they make so much noise with each other! I have to remind them you have to keep it down here or the neighbours might call the police.

My son feels very secure without his parents making out in front of him.
SO you don't really want advice then? It's your way or the highway??
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Old 12-01-2014, 01:13 PM
 
14 posts, read 9,455 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Why "is it hard to grasp" that she does?

And why would you think YOUR way is the ONLY way to be? Sounds pretty egotistical to me.
But she can show affection...in our bedroom and when it's just the 2 of us. It's the way it works here.
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