U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
View Poll Results: Do I...
Leave her alone. 5 55.56%
Continue to text her, to show I still care and I'm here if she needs me. 3 33.33%
Try phoning her. 0 0%
Try going to see her. 1 11.11%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 9. You may not vote on this poll

 
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:10 AM
 
12 posts, read 6,202 times
Reputation: 20

Advertisements

Hey, my name is Jon, I'd just like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read and provide your advice and/or opinion. I will try and give you as much information as possible that would allow you to correctly assess my situation, whilst keeping it short and sweet. I will give the woman in question an alias of Bob to protect her privacy and to try and lighten this post; with a little humour (I am easily amused).

I first met Bob at college in 2009. In 2010 we discovered we liked each other so we hooked up, only once, as the next day she told me she really enjoyed herself but was just not ready for whatever would have come. Heartbroken I picked myself up and continued on with my life. Later that year I met another woman. We started dating. Months went by, then leading into years with this woman as my partner. But I never forgot about Bob. She always crept into my thoughts every now and then. Bob messaged me on Facebook roughly once or twice a year, asking how I was and telling me she missed me. I suppose I never left my current partner at the time as I was scared Bob would break my heart again. However in May of this year I decided to start to speak to Bob again. I broke up with my current partner at the time (it wasn't really working anyway) and started seeing Bob. I saw her twice, she came round to my place and we talked and laughed until silly o'clock in the morning it was great. We spoke of how much we missed and liked each other she even mentioned that she believed I was the one for her.

Later that same week (last week in May of this year) her Grandfather took ill. It was cancer. From that point she started acting differently, gradually growing distant. Between then and August I did spend some quality time with her. About a dozen dates, nothing to extravagant, just time at each otherís place.

She moved into her Grandfathers place to look after his dogs. This made her live at the other side of town, rather than round the corner when she stayed with her Mum. Between May and August Bob grew more distant, replying to me less and becoming more difficult to read to be honest. However there was no physical evidence that her feelings toward me had changed.

For about a month (August) I barely head from Bob, once a week if I were lucky. So I decide to go and see her, this was the 9th of September, a Tuesday to be exact, don't ask me how I can remember, I just do. We chatted for a few hours - her telling me about the deteriorating condition of her Grandfather and some other situations in her life that were bothering her with stress and anxiety. We then headed to her best friends where she was going for tea - I went home. That was the last I seen her.

I then made the foolish mistake of declaring my undying love for her over text whilst I was drunk one weekend. We had never used the 'L' word yet, in fact to be honest we never really spoke about any kind of commitment, it just sort of happened, plus she was always emotionally exhausted with everything else going on in her life. I then proceeded to apologies for my insensitive and untimely spill of heart to her.

Bob messaged me this: "Jon please stop apologising, I don't even know what ur saying sorry for. I'm not ignoring u, I've jst been really busy. It's looking likely my grandads gona die this week so I'm sorry but I just cba wi all this the now. Don't take it personally it's jst everyone in my family are really upset n stressed n busy trying to sort out someone to be at my grans at all times... I'm jst really struggling to care about anything else rite at this precise moment in time. I'm sorry x"

That was the last I have heard from her, it was sent on the 30th of September.

I spoke to a relative for advice on what to do. Do I back off? Do I go and see her? I was unsure what to do or say. I was advised to text her regularly to offer my support and love. This is what I would have done anyway. I have messaged Bob once, or twice a fortnight since then.

Her Grandfather passed on October 14th or 13th. As I saw a post of Bob's on Facebook saying goodbye to him. She updates her Facebook every now and again, say fortnightly for sake of argument, and is online on Facebook chat regularly during the day.

Itís Bob's Birthday on the 12th of this month.

I won't lie my insecurity is in overdrive as I'm not sure what to think, feel or expect. Although the only evidence I have she is not interested in me is in my head. I know that is very selfish of me to turn this around on me but I cannot help it, call it instinct if you will.

She was having difficulties with depression and anxiety before her Grandfather took ill. And I know her well enough to know she is the kind of person who will take the burden of others pain but will never share her own.

My questions to you are these:

What do I do? Do I continue texting her, showing my support and love, do I try phoning her more, do I back off, do I force myself on her by going to see her (that's even if she still lives at her late Grandfathers).

I just don't know what to do, say or feel at this moment. I am concerned and worried for her. As I mentioned before we have not really spoken about commitment, it just happened so as far as I am concerned Iím still hers and until she gives me evidence to the contrary then I will continue to care and love her life a partner should.

If you have made it this far, I thank you again and welcome all advice/opinions.

Kind regards,

Jon
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Spokane, Washington
619 posts, read 510,376 times
Reputation: 1122
Offer her your condolences....and check in once a day. Remind her that you're there for her, but don't be all up her in grill. If she knows you're there for her, she'll talk if she needs to. She needs friends more than she needs your insecurity.


Good luck!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:22 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,071 posts, read 8,368,206 times
Reputation: 11558
I'm sorry, but I don't think this woman returns your feelings and you should let her go. Cut contact completely, so you can get over her, and find someone who is going to want you as much as you want them. A relative being sick and passing away is terribly traumatic, but I honestly don't see that as a reason to ignore someone you really care about for months at a time. Obviously not everyone processes grief in the same way, but if I was sad about the passing of a relative, I would want the person I cared about to be around me. It doesn't like you two are even in a relationship and if you are, that is not how I want to be treated in my relationships!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:34 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,330,114 times
Reputation: 42508
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenna1343 View Post
Offer her your condolences....and check in once a day. Remind her that you're there for her, but don't be all up her in grill. If she knows you're there for her, she'll talk if she needs to. She needs friends more than she needs your insecurity.

Good luck!
I agree with sending your condolences, but you should have done that weeks ago. Now it may just look like you're using his death as a reason to get her to talk to you. Do NOT check up on her daily. You will just look needy, and the last thing she needs is another person wanting her attention.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:34 AM
 
12 posts, read 6,202 times
Reputation: 20
Thanks for your input folks. Again a slight clash in opinions, just like my current thought process. I do agree with you Strawberrykiki with regards to a loss shouldn't lead to complete shut out of someone. Also the fact that are we even in a relationship. But like you say everyone deals with grieve differently so what happens if I were to back off and later down the line she looks back and sees that I wasn't there for her, I just left. It is a difficult situation and i am will to wait patiently even if I am wasting my time.

Thank you Jenna, I will tame my insecurity and if I do reach out to her will offer my condolences and support.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:36 AM
 
Location: D.C.
2,847 posts, read 1,815,344 times
Reputation: 3865
So it's been a little over two months and you haven't heard from her? Sorry, but that does not bode well. If I really cared about someone there is no way I would let that amount of time elapse before wanting to talk to them. I honestly don't think she really ever cared for you that much. Losing grandparents is hard for sure. That's still no excuse to just ignore someone that length of time. At this point, I don't think you should do anything, just let it go. You've told her how you feel about her, the ball is in her court now. Personally, I'd just write it off. Too bad you decided to try again. This is precisely why when a relationship ends for me, there is no further contact. All too often things like this happen.

Last edited by david0966; 12-02-2014 at 10:54 AM..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:37 AM
 
12 posts, read 6,202 times
Reputation: 20
Thanks JustJulia, in all honesty I have never really offered my condolences, I tried to avoid talking about the negative and kept my messages as positive as possible whilst staying sensitive to her feelings.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Spokane, Washington
619 posts, read 510,376 times
Reputation: 1122
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonShepherd View Post
Thanks JustJulia, in all honesty I have never really offered my condolences, I tried to avoid talking about the negative and kept my messages as positive as possible whilst staying sensitive to her feelings.
Wait...have you been messaging her this whole time and she hasn't responded since September?
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:43 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,890 posts, read 13,554,552 times
Reputation: 15338
Wow.. I think if you really care for her, continue to be a friend and show support. Grieving takes so much out of a person that it can make it almost impossible to match & reciprocate the high energy that love requires. Especially new love... Put your ego & insecurities aside, please, and continue to send & share with her any positive energy that you can spare- even if from a distance. You won't be able to take her pain away, but just knowing someone cares can do amazing things for a person in her shoes..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-02-2014, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,633 posts, read 41,906,761 times
Reputation: 50469
What I am reading is that you are quite a bit more focused on your own entanglement of feelings for this woman and your need to see her than you are on her loss or what she needs. If you feel you must contact her, keep it brief, tell her you are sorry for her loss, and that if she needs anything, she knows where to contact you. Then let it go.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top