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I am meeting men who are putting effort into finding someone.
Yeah, I think most people go into OLD and singles events with that in mind. Maybe a FWB would be more suitable for you. It's not for me, but some people dig it. It's either that, or embrace the single life. Relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. Eventually, you'll have to step up to the plate if that's something you really want.
Honestly, this is what I've found myself pondering lately. After all, I am happy (in the general sense). I also find myself thinking, do I want someone in my life because I really do want someone or because I *think* I want someone.
It seems like you can at least assume you don't want a conventional relationship. It seems like that level of involvement you would most easily get from someone who is already taken / not fully committed.
Yeah, I think most people go into OLD and singles events with that in mind. Maybe a FWB would be more suitable for you. It's not for me, but some people dig it. It's either that, or embrace the single life. Relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. Eventually, you'll have to step up to the plate if that's something you really want.
I added more to my answer before this post... I am willing to have compromise and make sacrifices.. it time, when the relationship has formed, not when it's brand new. I just don't like it out of the gate on the first week I am dating someone (or in the case of the man who calls all the time, before I've even been on one date).
No FWB. Sorry, I am not into being someone's back burner girl while he's looking for someone else. Chances are, in time, I'd fall for him (especially with the sex) and end up getting hurt when he does finally find someone and leave. That's just asking for a world of hurt for me. While in the beginning I am distant, I get very attached in time. Being alone is much, much preferable to that kind of pain.
The more and more I read and respond, the more and more I really think maybe I am better on my own. I'd become a crazy cat lady later in life if I wasn't allergic, lol.
It seems like you can at least assume you don't want a conventional relationship. It seems like that level of involvement you would most easily get from someone who is already taken / not fully committed.
I do want a conventional relationship, in time. My problem is, I don't want an instant relationship. I guess I always thought there would be men out there like me who just wanted to take things slow and get to know someone over time. I always thought this is how most people think, but it's looking like I am very wrong. Maybe a few think like me, but they sound few and far between.
JB, why can't you just tell guys the pace YOU would like keep when you FIRST meet someone ?
If they agree they will respect your wishes and build things slowly. Try to build their confidence in you so they don't jump to the conclusion that you are loosing interest .
Seems logical to me ...
I do want a conventional relationship, in time. My problem is, I don't want an instant relationship. I guess I always thought there would be men out there like me who just wanted to take things slow and get to know someone over time. I always thought this is how most people think, but it's looking like I am very wrong. Maybe a few think like me, but they sound few and far between.
Make sure to tell your dates what you have written here. If they have the sense to behave accordingly then they made it through that hoop...if they can't do that then you have weeded out a few more unsuitable ones..
Make sure to tell your dates what you have written here. If they have the sense to behave accordingly then they made it through that hope....if they can't do that then you have weeded out a few more unsuitable ones..
Quote:
Originally Posted by HuntFishRepeat
JB, why can't you just tell guys the pace YOU would like keep when you FIRST meet someone ?
If they agree they will respect your wishes and build things slowly. Try to build their confidence in you so they don't jump to the conclusion that you are loosing interest .
Seems logical to me ...
As for expectations, I was thinking (to start) maybe going out on a "big date" once a week (or even every two weeks), but with a few short dates peppered in (those meet for coffee for an hour after work, or have lunch together dates). A call maybe on the days we don't date (short 15-20 minute call just to see how the day was, not a 2 hour call unless it's something big). I am not really into texting so I really could go with out that, but I understand most people do that.
From there it would grow... maybe in a couple of months, when I am really comfortable around him, I'd invite him to my place for home cooked dinners and watching TV (or vice versa) see each other more often, etc. Or maybe we can have a regular standing date to have lunch together or go to the gym together or something. Maybe in more time all of that.
And then maybe several months into things we can think about out of town romantic get aways, etc. on top of everything else, etc.
This all seems reasonable to me. I think this is something you should express to those you are dating. Personally, if I were dating you, I would not take offense to it and would consider it practical. I'd prefer that over radio silence and me assuming that you're just not that interested. At least if I had something to gauge your actions by, I'd feel better about it.
I do want a conventional relationship, in time. My problem is, I don't want an instant relationship. I guess I always thought there would be men out there like me who just wanted to take things slow and get to know someone over time. I always thought this is how most people think, but it's looking like I am very wrong. Maybe a few think like me, but they sound few and far between.
This seems totally reasonable to me. I feel the same way. It seems like you've just had the unfortunate luck of coming into contact with really needy men. I'm assuming that museum guy didn't work out.
It's hard to find the right balance with someone who 100% wants to communicate and spend time together the same amount as you do. I'm kind of particular about this too, but it isn't fair to expect someone to read your mind and know just how much attention is enough to make you happy and just how much is going to smother you, or how little is going to make you upset. But, I don't think 2-3 times a week and daily communication is too much when you are trying to date and get to know someone. Most people who actually want to find someone long term aren't going to be happy with once a week.
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