Am I the unusual one? (wife, marrying, man, older)
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I skimmed through a number of the posts after reading the first page or two. Here's what I think: you're fairly normal in your expectations because you haven't met someone you're really excited about. And if the feeling and sense of mutual understanding was more or less equal, then you and your ideal partner would get along fine.
Dating strangers is really very strange, isn't it? It's not like you have the luxury of meeting someone without the concept of "dating" all wrapped around your relationship. Everybody starts off with expectations and rules before you ever find out who the person is.
What do you want? A stable, long term relationship? Heck, I'd rule out dating immediately unless you meet someone who likes you. You start dating AFTER you start liking someone, not before.
You have to just live your life and get out and socialize more. Ideally, forget finding someone. Just appreciate your freedom. Maybe get a pet. Dating, meh.
Thanks Ellie ... maybe this is best. Try to forget it all (again... tried taking a break before and I did, then started looking again). I should go back to just living my life and hope I meet someone, but don't worry about it (whether I meet someone or not).
EDIT: And the dating strangers is spot on and part of it too. It's really hard for me to be "excited" about a man I just met/know very little about. And when I say know little about, I am not talking about what his hobbies are or what books he likes to read or whatever, I mean to know what kind of man he is, what's his character. And with all these men (except the one whom I said "worked" for me) it was a case of dating before I knew if I liked them or not... it was the nature of the beast whether it was online dating or meeting at a singles mingle or meeting at speed dating, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderwall
You meeting these guys online? If so, could explain the neediness. OLD is often a last resort for folks, so by the time they go that route, they've lost patience, and many of them want to settle down.
Some I met online, not all. I also go to singles events, speed dating events, etc. The worst offenders were men I met though online dating.
Last edited by jillabean; 12-05-2014 at 06:19 AM..
Thanks Ellie ... maybe this is best. Try to forget it all (again... tried taking a break before and I did, then started looking again). I should go back to just living my life and hope I meet someone, but don't worry about it (whether I meet someone or not).
EDIT: And the dating strangers is spot on and part of it too. It's really hard for me to be "excited" about a man I just met/know very little about. And when I say know little about, I am not talking about what his hobbies are or what books he likes to read or whatever, I mean to know what kind of man he is, what's his character. And with all these men (except the one whom I said "worked" for me) it was a case of dating before I knew if I liked them or not... it was the nature of the beast whether it was online dating or meeting at a singles mingle or meeting at speed dating, etc.
Some I met online, not all. I also go to singles events, speed dating events, etc. The worst offenders were men I met though online dating.
I don't even think dating strangers is the problem. It's the elephant in the room of meeting a "stranger" and it having to go somewhere. Let's be honest, who's meeting the opposite sex to be friends once they're in their late 20s and beyond? I can promise you that the number is quite small, because people had a tendency to build those kinds of relationships in high school and college. They have the friends they want by their late 20s and now they are looking for their best friend.
I think when we're single, we're always looking, because that's what surrounds us. Being single is an exception not the rule. By single, I mean a person who has never experienced a same sex or opposite sex relationship that did or had the ability to become sexually intimate. Most people want to be in a relationship, because in a good one, two heads are always going to prevail over one.
The other thing is that you can always be happy in what you do in life. Where that becomes difficult, is that everyone else out there is likely looking for someone too. It's like when you join a salsa class. Two people hit it off during the salsa class and turn intimate. There's a likely chance that couple won't return next season for the salsa class. They are going to find other things to fill their schedule that they like to do together.
Maybe it's just me, but in my geographical region, the single people tended to wash out quite often. Where the single people were one year, are gone the next, because they met someone. I could always enjoy myself being single, but it actually took a lot of work. Everyone else ultimately wanted a relationship, and so did I, so when they found it they bowed out.
I don't even think dating strangers is the problem. It's the elephant in the room of meeting a "stranger" and it having to go somewhere. Let's be honest, who's meeting the opposite sex to be friends once they're in their late 20s and beyond? I can promise you that the number is quite small, because people had a tendency to build those kinds of relationships in high school and college. They have the friends they want by their late 20s and now they are looking for their best friend.
I think when we're single, we're always looking, because that's what surrounds us. Being single is an exception not the rule. By single, I mean a person who has never experienced a same sex or opposite sex relationship that did or had the ability to become sexually intimate. Most people want to be in a relationship, because in a good one, two heads are always going to prevail over one.
The other thing is that you can always be happy in what you do in life. Where that becomes difficult, is that everyone else out there is likely looking for someone too. It's like when you join a salsa class. Two people hit it off during the salsa class and turn intimate. There's a likely chance that couple won't return next season for the salsa class. They are going to find other things to fill their schedule that they like to do together.
Maybe it's just me, but in my geographical region, the single people tended to wash out quite often. Where the single people were one year, are gone the next, because they met someone. I could always enjoy myself being single, but it actually took a lot of work. Everyone else ultimately wanted a relationship, and so did I, so when they found it they bowed out.
Well, I do. The vast majority of my friends are people I've met since college, and since my late 20s. Granted, those old college (and high school) friends and I still keep in touch, but the people I hang out with the most, all people I've met in the past 5 years, since my divorce. I met them all though meetup groups or just talking to people in my neighborhood whom I saw frequently. And about half of them are men (opposite sex friends).
I might be in a unique situation compared to you because of that geography you mentioned. I live in a transient area. I live outside DC and people are coming and going with military and government jobs all the time. So a person who just moved here from halfway across the country who doesn't know a soul it open to making a new friend with the neighbor who knocks on their door holding a plateful of home-made cookies with a card that says, "welcome to the neighborhood." (And yeah, I do that with every new neighbor).
I still think a combination of answers people gave me here is right. I am trying too hard and, in the process, meeting men who are trying even harder to meet someone. I need to chill out and stop trying so much (not necessarily stop looking, but stop "actively" looking). By looking for men in speed dating groups, and single-mingles, and such... I am finding them men with an agenda to, "find a girlfriend" and seem (to me) to be in a rush to do so.
I think I would do much better to just find someone and "fall into" a relationship... like I did in the past with my college boyfriends and even my long distance guy. While none of those worked out in the long run, the way those relationship developed, slowly over time and out of friendships seemed to mesh well with my personality. And maybe very few people meet this way... but I don't care. I am just one of those few I guess.
Last edited by jillabean; 12-05-2014 at 07:43 AM..
Firstoff, a long distance "relationship" where the guy calls you once every couple weeks is not a relationship in my opinion.
I tend to go kind of fast in most of my relationships, but I always set up and respect boundaries, people are different and these boundaries are different. Me and my SO text or email several times a day, I could not imagine not talking to her several times a day in some capacity.
This is every date I've had since June (when my ex-lover/now friend broke things off). So it's a string of men like this over the last 5 months. I should note that two of them I met though online dating and the other two though "singles events." So maybe that's part of the equation too... I am meeting men who are putting effort into finding someone. As for the sex... well, the ex-lover/now friend guy and I would usually have sex several times every day and night I was with him... we were like rabbits, lol.
As for expectations, I was thinking (to start) maybe going out on a "big date" once a week (or even every two weeks), but with a few short dates peppered in (those meet for coffee for an hour after work, or have lunch together dates). A call maybe on the days we don't date (short 15-20 minute call just to see how the day was, not a 2 hour call unless it's something big). I am not really into texting so I really could go with out that, but I understand most people do that.
From there it would grow... maybe in a couple of months, when I am really comfortable around him, I'd invite him to my place for home cooked dinners and watching TV (or vice versa) see each other more often, etc. Or maybe we can have a regular standing date to have lunch together or go to the gym together or something. Maybe in more time all of that.
And then maybe several months into things we can think about out of town romantic get aways, etc. on top of everything else, etc.
This seems pretty rigid, so you would wait 2 months before inviting him over for dinner or accepting an invitation by him to his place for dinner?
I think it's perfectly normal to value yourself, your space, and your time. Alot of people don't.. They become so accustomed to being in partnerships that they develop a dependency on other people. Many people are so desperate to have a partner that they really don't even care who it is, because they will adapt in whatever way they have to in order to "make it work". These people are so fixated on others in an effort to avoid dealing with themselves.... OP- These men are here to teach you about yourself. It all serves to help you create & manifest the kind of relationship that will work for you. You'll be able to recognize the "right man" because the "wrong" ones will always reveal that about themselves if you stay firm & focused on your true desire!
This seems pretty rigid, so you would wait 2 months before inviting him over for dinner or accepting an invitation by him to his place for dinner?
It's a guesstimate, not a rigid thing. If we date more and get to know each other more, it might be sooner... or if the dating is slow, we don't go out a lot, it might take longer. If he's someone I've known for a while before we start dating, again, that would move up... maybe even to "first date" but a complete stranger I met at a party... take my time.
Why won't I take a stranger home right away?
1) Gives me time to get to know the guy and make sure he's not some weirdo or whack job (or a potential stalker) before I invite him into an intimate situation where I am alone with him/he knows where I live.
2) I am not going to bring home a parade of men in front of my child. Once I am serious enough with a man and it looks like it will last (which I guess would take a couple of months) then I will take someone home.
This seems pretty rigid, so you would wait 2 months before inviting him over for dinner or accepting an invitation by him to his place for dinner?
What she's saying is that she needs to get to know the guy before she can even know if she's interested at all, and from there, she needs to get to know him better before she can decide if he's serious relationship material. If she does 1 date/week, that could take 2 months. If she does 2 dates a week, it might not take as long. That's pretty normal. Especially considering she had a kid at home.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-05-2014 at 11:17 AM..
"Hey, we are just starting to date and get to know each other, I am eager to learn about you and if we are a match, but not all in one week. Let's take our time and really get to know each other before leaping into coupledom. There is plenty of time and no rush, in fact, I start to feel a bit overwhelmed if there is too much interaction early on."
What she's saying is that she needs to get to know the guy before she can even know if she's interested at all, and from there, she needs to get to know him better before she can decide if he's serious relationship material. If she does 1 date/week, that could take 2 months. If she does 2 dates a week, it might not take as long. That's pretty normal. Especially considering she had a kid at home.
I don't think that's unusual. I'm seeing a woman now, who has no kids, and we see each other 1-2 days as week. However, I can admit we wouldn't work if we weren't talking on a daily basis. Granted, we knew we were into each other, so we do talk on a daily basis.
If you are uncomfortable with that kind of "time commitment" then tell the person that. If you need to take things slow than take things so, but please be very vocal about your needs. It's not always about not wanting to make the person uncomfortable and get them to step outside their comfort zone. In the end, it's all about allowing the person to stand on their own two feet.
I'm seeing a woman who dates a lot different than I do. She takes a slower approach, while I've tended to take a faster approach. She voiced that she needed more time and gave me the opportunity to decide if I could move at her pace. At the same time, by making that recommendation, she had to stick to her guns as well. She couldn't make that kind of recommendation and then pullback even more. If she was going to draw a line in the sand of her comfort level, than I'm definitely expecting her to stick to it. So far she's done an excellent job to sticking to it and has even progressed in many ways.
This is what I'm recommending to the OP. Who cares if the guys move fast. Women move fast too. If it makes you uncomfortable than tell the guy and see if they can slow things down. In the end, what do you really have to lose? They are still moving at your pace if they're on board. Now, if the attraction never comes for the OP over time, then it's her responsibility to end things. That will also mean that the guy could be a little irritated, because he "changed" himself to accommodate her.
That's just a part of dating and comes with the territory and it's something the OP may have to accept in some way, shape, form, or fashion. We're all compromising in different areas to make dating a possibility as we age. We are choosing the hills that we choose to die on. In the end, he'll move on after a couple of days and be fine.
She refers back to an ex that worked, as in it was easy and comfortable, but still look at the end result. They are no longer talking romantically, so did it really work? It may have worked for comfort and stress level, but it still never blossomed into a lasting relationship and the friendship has a subconscious strain now too. It failed because she stepped up and asked a simple question and he blew it out of proportion and ended it. Then she started back peddling and feeling bad that she even said anything at all.
In the end, he just wasn't emotionally available and she tends to fall for emotionally unavailable men. What she wants, she probably can't recognize, because she doesn't speak up and tell men to slow down. She just cuts bait and moves on (not always bad). When a man does show up that is her "ideal" she ends up getting the raw end of the deal.
Her place of comfort for relationship nostalgia is a relationship that wasn't really a relationship. It's a bit telling that this situation is her idea of what a relationship truly should be.
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... maybe this is best. Try to forget it all (again... tried taking a break before and I did, then started looking again). I should go back to just living my life and hope I meet someone, but don't worry about it (whether I meet someone or not). 
