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My ego will not get in my way. I just need to lay groundwork to find out how truly invested she is to go down the difficult path of repair. The "exploring" couples therapy means I am trying to find one to go to - I need to research. If I feel my wife isn't willing to tough this out with me, then I will believe there is something else and will walk away.
It would appear to me that you have the upper hand here - use that.
After all, SHE is the one with the medical condition who has to quit work and needs your financial support AND SHE is the one who acted inappropriately with the sexting.
Stay calm, don't argue or make demands, but do firmly tell her if she won't go to couples counseling that you will interpret that as her decision to end your relationship.
Location: The Netherlands, Israel, Italy, Chicagoland, Alberta Canada
99 posts, read 163,065 times
Reputation: 169
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
I'll say. She's full of crap.
No only is she cheating--sexting alone is cheating--but she probably has been for a long time, and has probably slept with at least one other man. I mentioned this on another thread, but whoever said it was a genius (and please come forth so I can credit you): By the time a partner suspects cheating, usually not only is the partner right, but the cheating is far worse than what the partner imagined.
In your shoes, I'd contact an attorney, make my plans, and go. Oh, and get tested.
The above is true unfortunately. Usually by the time you suspect something things are generally already more evolved than you think they are. This is because they are first very careful covering their actions but get more careless since things are going well and more confidence is gained. There's a word for it that I can't recall right now.
What to do with that I don't know. Maybe your marriage can be saved, that would be great. I though mine could be saved years ago but after the situation repeated with the same lies I knew it was pointless.
These things are tough, good luck with it.
Also sometimes ignorance is bliss, but I guess you are already past that point.
Location: The Netherlands, Israel, Italy, Chicagoland, Alberta Canada
99 posts, read 163,065 times
Reputation: 169
One other thing. I have colitis myself so I know about gastrointestinal issues. However I do not see what that has to do with your wife's behavior. Are you trying to find excuses for what she does yourself? Not feeling well alot is not an excuse.
It would appear to me that you have the upper hand here - use that.
After all, SHE is the one with the medical condition who has to quit work and needs your financial support AND SHE is the one who acted inappropriately with the sexting.
Stay calm, don't argue or make demands, but do firmly tell her if she won't go to couples counseling that you will interpret that as her decision to end your relationship.
I do feel I control the future of this relationship right now. And that's such a sad part about this whole thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeRock
The above is true unfortunately. Usually by the time you suspect something things are generally already more evolved than you think they are. This is because they are first very careful covering their actions but get more careless since things are going well and more confidence is gained. There's a word for it that I can't recall right now.
What to do with that I don't know. Maybe your marriage can be saved, that would be great. I though mine could be saved years ago but after the situation repeated with the same lies I knew it was pointless.
These things are tough, good luck with it.
Also sometimes ignorance is bliss, but I guess you are already past that point.
My problem is that no matter what I've found or what she says, that there might always be something else I haven't uncovered. The BIG for instance, that she is truly lying about physical cheating. And far past ignorance is bliss, and am glad. I now know I refuse to live the rest of my life in a lie, so if I don't feel the future holds true repair then I will not trap myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeRock
One other thing. I have colitis myself so I know about gastrointestinal issues. However I do not see what that has to do with your wife's behavior. Are you trying to find excuses for what she does yourself? Not feeling well alot is not an excuse.
I suppose it sounds like an excuse. But I've witnessed first hand her pain. And it may have something to do with what ultimately drove her to what I've uncovered. Her coming home from work in pain, curling up in bed - we were separate. Maybe my helplessness in knowing what to do left her alone, and because of her illness I allowed us to drift apart more than it should have. Again though, I am still working things out in my head about this.
I do feel I control the future of this relationship right now. And that's such a sad part about this whole thing.
My problem is that no matter what I've found or what she says, that there might always be something else I haven't uncovered. The BIG for instance, that she is truly lying about physical cheating. And far past ignorance is bliss, and am glad. I now know I refuse to live the rest of my life in a lie, so if I don't feel the future holds true repair then I will not trap myself.
I suppose it sounds like an excuse. But I've witnessed first hand her pain. And it may have something to do with what ultimately drove her to what I've uncovered. Her coming home from work in pain, curling up in bed - we were separate. Maybe my helplessness in knowing what to do left her alone, and because of her illness I allowed us to drift apart more than it should have. Again though, I am still working things out in my head about this.
Hang in there metalmancpa, just take your time, don't panic or have any knee jerk reactions.
Hang in there metalmancpa, just take your time, don't panic or have any knee jerk reactions.
Thanks. I'm trying not to panic or act too fast. But like today when my wife and I discussed things, deep in my mind all I could think of is regardless of the words I'm hearing, "Why should I believe what she says"? I fear that if I act on those words alone without digging deeper into a recovery track, then that would be a knee jerk reaction. I need to at least in the short term give it a try.
Hi. I might as well make my first post the reason I joined this forum. 33 years married, and from my vantage point my wife has broken my trust. My problem is deeper than love - I love her, but is that enough for repair?
We have been going through a rough spell for a few years now. We both have our own personal stresses to deal with - work, etc.
My wife has a gastrointestinal issue which keeps her in constant pain which makes daily life difficult for her. She is quitting her job because of it, and I agree she needs to. She needs people in her life, emotional connections. We are opposites in that regard. I am truly an anti-social introvert who requires no people, no emotional connection to survive. I can be happy in a white padded cell. Of course that's a problem because I can become disconnected and distant, and with a wife who needs connection I may not be fulfilling those needs for her. We found each other 35 years ago, and I "need" her. Yet, from a different dimension I don't need anyone (not sure if that makes sense). We have two grown up kids so that isn't a household issue.
I've been suspecting something for a while. I am partially ashamed that doubt is in my mind, but a month ago I stumbled on graphic sexting. Talks of sex and meeting up, and with more than one person. Yet, once I confronted her, she admitted to "stumbling" on a site through Facebook and it became addictive. It probably fulfilled a gap in our troubled relationship. She has told me time and time again no physical meeting or contact ever took place. Yet, with also known email and phone usage, and knowledge these people are local - I still have my doubts because of what I read appears to say otherwise. And a month after this first find, the CPA in me became a PI and I dug up a few other things, and then a few days ago she again forgot to delete a sext thread and have now caught her twice. That's sort of irrelevant as I know it's gone on since early this year. I've never found totally nude pictures (again, tracks could have been covered), and have no proof she ever met up or slept with anyone - it's only on her word on these items. The worse picture I found she sent was of the tattoo on her butt - a side shot with he pants down to show the tattoo. But the words in the sexts are as graphic as can be.
From a relationship standpoint I have nothing to hide from my wife. No infidelity of any kind. My vice in our marriage is economic, as I spend more than we make, and we've suffered because of it.
We've discussed therapy but haven't gone yet. She is more opposed to therapy, where I feel it could be good even with my own doubts. Our daughter went though therapy years ago, and we've first hand seen more quacks than normal counselors, so I know why my wife doesn't believe in them.
I just don't know if I can feel that trust can be repaired. I consider this whole thing cheating yet she does not. I feel I've been lied to and betrayed. Is that any worse than me emotionally making her feel distant and empty? I don't want to sneak around and see if she continues to act this way. I don't want to think she's lying about never having physical contact, but at this time I cannot disconnect what I've seen from that possibility. My fear is if in my mind I can't work it out, I would be walking away from something important. I love her, but in this case love isn't the deepest thing being dealt with.
Sorry for the long first post, but just typing this out is therapeutic. I hurt and am lost.
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Things like this sometimes happen in marriages and the hurt can be overlooked and forgiven, and sometimes it can't be. The main thing is, it takes both people wanting to make it work, not just one of you. Tipping her off to the fact that you have suspicions was a mistake, from now on she will be more careful. Keep your eyes open, keep a diary if necessary to what is going on. Don't confront her until you can prove she is having physical contact with someone. Don't think your wife isn't capable of lying to you, she is. Don't think she won't have intimate sexual contact with someone else if it is convenient, she is no different than any other unhappy wife. And if you are spending more than you make, she is un-happy. You need to decide what you are willing to do if and when you find out for sure she is having an affair. Some people just can't seem to stop cheating once they start. In some cases divorce is your only recourse.
I think I'm too old and tired to play the separation game. Since this is all recent, I need to lay the groundwork and really see what her commitment is. In essence I will be calling her out on everything. If she balks or otherwise makes me feel her heart isn't in us, then I will just end it right then and there.
I am also a believer of being human and messing up. Sometimes intentions are different than the act. I just want to spend a little time exploring that to see how I feel about it all. Yes she cheated, plain and clear in my eyes. But until I get closer to at least partially understanding the root cause can I make a final decision. This exploring isn't going to go on for long. I know by years end which is only a few weeks away, i will know what I am to do.
Ok she cheated, you are hurt because of betrayal, which makes you angry. You are confused, and not sure what to do. For your own sake, if you want to hold on, you will need to do something that will test your relationship. Personally, you sound like someone who needs time to figure things out. You sound like you don't need the type of communication she needs. You will need to figure out if you want to change, continue on, or quit. Take the time, get a trial separation. Write out rules for the separation. Move out, and have little contact with her. You can maybe start off with just meeting on a certain day to go to couples counseling etc.....A sample would be like this:
Trial Separation
Wife stays in family home
You stay in apartment
No contact for a month, except once a week to go to couple counseling
After the first month, you can try a phone call once a week
Allow yourself to date other women, and she can date other men
This will continue for 6 months, and at that time, you can either continue on, or change the rules.
This lets you find out what you want. The separation will allow you to decide if you can live without her. You may surprise yourself, and find that living alone works very well for you. You may also find that your love is strong, and you want to change for her.....because you will need to change....You can't expect her to change, because you don't own her, like a dog, she will do what she wants to do. You can only change yourself. If you want to learn how to be more available to her emotionally, the counselor will help you.
Ok she cheated, you are hurt because of betrayal, which makes you angry. You are confused, and not sure what to do. For your own sake, if you want to hold on, you will need to do something that will test your relationship. Personally, you sound like someone who needs time to figure things out. You sound like you don't need the type of communication she needs. You will need to figure out if you want to change, continue on, or quit. Take the time, get a trial separation. Write out rules for the separation. Move out, and have little contact with her. You can maybe start off with just meeting on a certain day to go to couples counseling etc.....A sample would be like this:
Trial Separation
Wife stays in family home
You stay in apartment
No contact for a month, except once a week to go to couple counseling
After the first month, you can try a phone call once a week
Allow yourself to date other women, and she can date other men
This will continue for 6 months, and at that time, you can either continue on, or change the rules.
This lets you find out what you want. The separation will allow you to decide if you can live without her. You may surprise yourself, and find that living alone works very well for you. You may also find that your love is strong, and you want to change for her.....because you will need to change....You can't expect her to change, because you don't own her, like a dog, she will do what she wants to do. You can only change yourself. If you want to learn how to be more available to her emotionally, the counselor will help you.
I have considered this route. All will depend if we can mutually and wholeheartedly agree on a course of action. I don't want to try it own our own as a believe my wife is more comfortable with because I don't have the strength to fight this on my own. I don't want to go to counseling if she feels she is doing it to support me. We stand on different sides of that equation, and one has to budge - and it won't be me, because I firmly believe a reconciliation can not work without outside intervention.
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