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I think marriage can be absolutely amazing if you marry someone you're truly compatible with and in love with and you both are equally committed to keeping things together no matter what. I know people who are happily married in real life and on this forum. BUT, if you marry the wrong person, then being married is miserable. OP, I don't know if you married the wrong person or you're just in a rough patch and you need to hang in there and ride it out. No one here can tell you that.
I was married briefly to someone I had been in a relationship with for four years. I will honestly tell you there were red flags all over the place from the very beginning of our relationship. We never should have stayed together as long as we did much less gotten married. The marriage ended so horribly that I can barely remember anything redeeming about our relationship at all. Like some of the other ladies here I did everything around the house. I worked full time with a long commute, then I came home and made dinner, did the grocery shopping, made sure bills were paid, did all of the laundry, all of the care for our pets, cleaned the house, remembered birthdays and special days for our family/friends, etc. etc. etc. I did everything and he did very little. Is that marriage? Maybe in the 1950's if I was home all day with nothing else to do. Sure, I do all those things for myself now living alone, but I only clean up messes made by me, and I don't feel constantly resentful that I should have someone to help me out with things, but I have someone who chooses not to.
Most days I think how wonderful it would be to meet someone who would be a true partner in a marriage. I'm almost 31 and I still think about having a family and would definitely like to be married to have children. BUT, other days I think back on the daily misery of my marriage and I am not sure I want to take the risk again. I enjoy living alone and I enjoy my freedom! I would have to meet someone truly special to make me want to take a risk on getting married again. But I haven't given up hope that that might happen. And if it doesn't, at least I didn't spend the rest of my life married to someone who made me so unhappy.
Something I constantly fight myself over is whether that person actually exist, if so, if it's reasonable to assume you'll ever find that person, or do you just recognize that nobody is perfect and try to work out your differences through education and maturity (if you are willing)?
A lot of people have mentioned that I noticed "red flags" before I got married. Should I be expecting to find someone that I had no complaints about? Is that reasonable? For me, it was a balancing act - I weighed her as a whole, how many factors do I like (including love), how many factors don't I like, which factors weigh more. Nothing was a deal breaker for me considering I'm a human and not perfect myself.
I feel like I’ve had an epiphany. I’ve been married for only a year and a half and we have a one year old child. Previously, I had two significant, long-term relationships. With this marriage, I was sure that I found the “one” I loved before we were married – she was the only one that I actually strove to be with, considered her to be out of my league, and found her be to extremely respectable – a far cry from my previous settlements.
Throughout the course of this marriage, however, I began to realize how unworkable marriage is in its traditional sense (for us at least). It’s not 1950 anymore and I found myself wondering if I subconsciously considered marriage to resemble something like a bread-winning husband and home-making wife. Ask me up front, and I would quickly tell you that I did not think that. I am a supporter of women’s rights and am happy about their advancement in the career field and the respect they’ve gained. I honestly think the world will be a better place when women take over. That being said, I was wondering if my thought of marriage was so ingrained by culture that my subconscious brain speaks out through my actions.
My wife is a stay-at-home mom, I’ve provided complete, comfortable, financial support and have done a hell of a lot of caretaking (although obviously not as much as her) and have made a tremendous effort to keep up with household chores. I do believe in the egalitarian system of household responsibilities. I actually enjoy them and I also enjoy raising the little one. Yet nothing I have done seems to be enough. Due to our arguments, she has left our household with our child and now stays with her mother.
Our arguments, I slowly realized, were the result of some extremely fundamental viewpoints and thought processes that I still can’t even begin to understand how somebody could think some of these things. What’s odd about it is that I’ve never gotten into arguments with anyone else so intensely about anything. When I say anybody else, I mean outside of a relationship. I had similar arguments with my ex-girlfriends. I feel that when you cross the relationship threshold, then all respect gets thrown out of the window. I do not feel respected in my marriage, even though she thinks she respects me, and although I feel I respect my wife, she has told me that she doesn't feel that way. Fundamentally different viewpoints about the very same experience.
So now I’m thinking that living together and raising a child in a nuclear setting is unworkable in today’s day and age, not only by my own experience but by the ever-increasing divorce rate, and the paradigm shift of independence in our society. My wife and I are still “together”, although we now live separately, but a lot of lust has been lost and I’m not even sure if there was love to begin with, so I’m not certain where things will end up. I currently enjoy this alternative living situation and she’s stated that she does to although we still get into some bad arguments. She has stated that her intention is to stay together but live separately as an ultimate solution. Honestly, I’m just not sure anymore what the benefit of marriage is. I don’t believe in love and I don’t believe in the “one” anymore. I thought I believed that we would retain our individuality but support one another as we age and advance in life but I think she had a different idea of marriage, i.e., you become one and lose all sense of individuality and privacy.
I’m wondering if anybody else is in the same boat or has had similar thoughts or has any insight into my situation. I would love to hear from married people that are 50+ although anybody is welcome to comment. (We are early thirties.) Sorry if this is confusing but it is a subject that I find no certainty in, therefore, feel free to ask me any questions.
Why on Earth did you ever get married? You obviously chose someone who was very, very wrong for you fundamentally. You made a very bad decision, and, since you have a kid, you are stuck with this decision as long as your (son? daughter?) is under 18. Otherwise, if you divorce, you will be ruined financially and will have no rights as far as raising your own child. You, my friend, are stuck. As someone in a similar situation, I empathize greatly.
My parents were married for 25 years before they got divorced, two years later mom dies, but before she did she revealed a lot about their "marriage" and basically did not ever want to live with a man or be married again, but she did date. I have never married but I was in an a 8 year LTR with a man I was engaged to, and had a child with, lived with, and I was a SAHM for a year, while he worked. It ended because he was abusive after the birth of our son and it escalated with time, and all we did was fight and argue, and he had a lot of expectations for me--I was d***** if I do and d***** if I didn't. I never could win with him. I left him and never looked back, though he begs every two weeks to give it a try again. Since him I've had other relationships, but I just haven't been the same with any of the men I've tried dating. The first relationship was the one I gave my all in, that I sacrificed, that I did things I didn't want to do, where I was his "go-to-woman"--I did everything for him basically. EVERYTHING. And he did little for me. Even once we had our son--but that's a different matter. In any case, after that relationship, every relationship after that I was very half--a*** about it. Yes I liked the men a lot, but I wasn't about to put myself back into that type of arrangement ever again. I like being independent, I like being selfish, I like not being forced into anything, not having obligations, being myself without having to be whatever it is they want me to be. I don't want to be a man's super-woman right now, just my son's. I'm seeing a CB therapist and we talked in depth about it, and she told me I was very selfish in my recent relationships. I agreed. She said it didn't seem like I wanted to make compromise or sacrifice that it was just my way or the high-way. I agreed for the most part--though sometimes I do budge. She said it didn't seem like I want to integrate any of these men too much into the life I've cultivated with my son, and my immediate family, and I agreed. At the end of that session she said that it did not seem like I was close to ready for a serious intimate long term relationship. I didn't necessarily agree but I realized that in my current state, and as I get older, that more or less the mindset I've developed toward relationships I'm okay with. There are some changes I need to make, but I don't know if the changes I have in mind would make me wife material. I don't really know if I can see myself getting married when I think about all this. Truthfully the thought of being with someone for a very long time makes me sick. And I don't like living with a man and don't even truly like the dynamics between men and women in this society. I've touched on these dynamics before--so no need to go into that. I have friends that are married, all of them are unhappy. It's amazing to me, because they stay anyway and try to make it work--but the problems they complain about I know I wouldn't put up with. I can't imagine. But I'm told that is what marriage is--a lot of work, and sacrifice, and commitment, and a host of other things that I don't know I could stick with if I got fed up enough.
In any case as a woman, in this society, I also feel pressure to want to be married. To want the wedding. The traditional "vision" of married life. Even though deep down I know that I don't really want it lol. So many people constantly ask me about it though(I hope you get married comments or your running out of time don't want to get married). I'm 27 btw. Truthfully I really just want a sperm-donor, who financially helps me with whatever amount of kids I have with him, and plays a role in the kids life, and this same sperm-donor, needs to be good in bed, go on dates with me, have similar values and the same financial situation as mine, and we can talk about many topics, will have our disagreements, and fights, and hobbies and even different friends, but we'll have together and coparent, the only things is some nights he needs to go to his own home and give me space. That's my ideal situation.
If I meet a guy that agrees to that, then I'd change my mind about it, but for now I'm not sold.
"Believing in" is a weird choice of words. We're not talking about the Loch Ness Monster or Tooth Fairy or gods or ghosts or unicorns. Marriage is a real observable thing that exists, not something one chooses to believe in.
It's not for everyone, of course, but there's nothing to believe or not believe.
For myself, nope, marriage is never going to be on the horizon again. One year separation JUST to leave a broken marriage where there is NO reconciliation (ex left for someone else), is painful, hurtful and expensive. I believe in the, if you gotta go, then just go. I don't want anyone tied down to me and vice-versa. People don't always stay in love, life goes on. So for myself, never again. It would make sense if you want to build a life and family together (ie, have kids), but otherwise, not really.
As for you and your marriage, it does sound like communication and different POV's in what is shared in a marriage. There are some people who feel they should be joined at the hip after they say "I do." But some remain independent. Your wife is distrustful AND have a different pov of what married couples do, that is a problem. This may be something a marriage therapist can help.
But in general, you guys need to be completely honest with one another. If you don't like her poking into your stuff, tell her to stop.
I stopped 'believing in marriage' when the number of married women that I've banged (while they were still wearing their ring) hit 15.
My opinion regarding 'marriage' at that point became irrelevant, and the behavior of women that were 'married' became the only standard by which I based my belief of marriage on.
I stopped 'believing in marriage' when the number of married women that I've banged (while they were still wearing their ring) hit 15.
My opinion regarding 'marriage' at that point became irrelevant, and the behavior of women that were 'married' became the only standard by which I based my belief of marriage on.
Phenomenal sex though ~*
Hmm. Well, I can certainly understand why you would have your doubts about marriage, considering you've "banged" so many married women. But, you do know that there are just as many married men, if not more, who engage in extramarital "activity," no?
I hate to have to point this out to you, but, a) despite the fact that these women were probably only "banging" partners for you, your choice in women clearly sucks, and, b) the common denominator in all 15 of those affairs? YOU.
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