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View Poll Results: Did you lose yourself in marriage?
Yes 6 25.00%
No 16 66.67%
Indifferent 2 8.33%
Voters: 24. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 12-19-2014, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Austin/Houston
2,930 posts, read 5,253,421 times
Reputation: 2266

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Just curious. Does marriage eventually cause you to lose your sense of individuality and independence?

I ask this because that is a common thing that I have heard some married people say when they jokingly warn against marriage. Some say they inadvertently lost their drive and quit doing the things that made them happy because they were living their lives for two people instead of one. One guy I know, a former work-out buddy used to be very fit. He's been married for a decade and said that the marriage and live-in pretty much consumed him. His wife kind of started herself go, it wasn't long before he was following suit and now has been 5 years since he worked out.

I've never been married, but I had a long term relationship, lived together for a while, and we were engaged for 2 years. Although I loved the time and company we spent together, after we broke up, I realized I had lost myself a little in the relationship. Since we broke up, I've found myself better able to focus on myself, goals, hobbies, and peace. I've become excited about life again. It kind of scares me a little because I often wonder if I've become so accustomed to this that I'll never marry and have a family. I'm in my early/mid 30s with no children and fear one day when I'm old, I will regret it.

I apologize if I've offended anyone and if my view of marriage seems pessimistic. I know everyone may not be cut out for marriage. I just wanted to get some viewpoints. Single/Never married people, your viewpoint is welcome too.
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Old 12-19-2014, 07:24 PM
 
Location: Way up high
22,201 posts, read 29,246,017 times
Reputation: 31265
I personally cannot speak for marriage but in my long term relationship with my ex I realized after we broke up that I had lost myself in the relationship. I had stopped working out and didn't realize how much I missed it.

I feel there should be together time and alone time so you don't end up losing yourself or your personal interests.
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Old 12-19-2014, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,719,497 times
Reputation: 98359
Everyone is NOT cut out for marriage, and that's OK.

Being married did not make me lose my individuality the way having kids did, though! Once you have 3 kids, you only have so much time and energy, and the list of things that make you happy gets re-prioritized.
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Old 12-20-2014, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,948 posts, read 7,004,573 times
Reputation: 3271
I'm in the "so-so" range on this.

I am fiercely independent, and marriage did not change that. In a lot of ways, my ex husb piggy backed off my independence.

Marriage, however, did allow me to lose sight of my individual likes / hobbies. I focused less on what I enjoyed in life because my ex husb made my desire to enjoy those things so difficult that the easier solution was to just comply with him.

That is not necessary a byproduct of marriage, but more, a byproduct of being with the wrong person.
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Old 12-20-2014, 11:54 AM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,630 posts, read 20,111,348 times
Reputation: 28717
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragon_fly_12 View Post
I'm in the "so-so" range on this.

I am fiercely independent, and marriage did not change that. In a lot of ways, my ex husb piggy backed off my independence.

Marriage, however, did allow me to lose sight of my individual likes / hobbies. I focused less on what I enjoyed in life because my ex husb made my desire to enjoy those things so difficult that the easier solution was to just comply with him.

That is not necessary a byproduct of marriage, but more, a byproduct of being with the wrong person.
Great point. I've never been married, but looking back, this has been one of the biggest issues for me in relationships. I'm an artist, so a partner who understands the time & space I need to maintain my creative vision & inspiration - and has their own - is crucial for me.. When a person's only interest outside of work is the relationship itself, that's potentially problematic..
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Old 12-20-2014, 12:39 PM
 
880 posts, read 1,247,256 times
Reputation: 1800
It's part of the deal. It should not have cost you your individuality, but independence is something that you partially trade off when entering any partnership, business or personal. By establishing a partnership you agree to joint decision making, consideration of your partners needs/wants/opinions even if they are at odds with your own. Those who don't understand and accept the above, or are unable to come to mutually agreeable terms and sometimes make compromises have difficulty maintaining their relationships.
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Old 12-20-2014, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Austin/Houston
2,930 posts, read 5,253,421 times
Reputation: 2266
Quote:
Originally Posted by himain View Post
I personally cannot speak for marriage but in my long term relationship with my ex I realized after we broke up that I had lost myself in the relationship. I had stopped working out and didn't realize how much I missed it.

I feel there should be together time and alone time so you don't end up losing yourself or your personal interests.
What exactly did you miss? The relationship with your ex or working out?
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Old 12-20-2014, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,386,110 times
Reputation: 53067
Not so far. I still do the same things I've always done.
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Old 12-20-2014, 06:36 PM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,930,371 times
Reputation: 11706
Quote:
Originally Posted by stoneclaw View Post
Just curious. Does marriage eventually cause you to lose your sense of individuality and independence?

I ask this because that is a common thing that I have heard some married people say when they jokingly warn against marriage. Some say they inadvertently lost their drive and quit doing the things that made them happy because they were living their lives for two people instead of one. One guy I know, a former work-out buddy used to be very fit. He's been married for a decade and said that the marriage and live-in pretty much consumed him. His wife kind of started herself go, it wasn't long before he was following suit and now has been 5 years since he worked out.

I've never been married, but I had a long term relationship, lived together for a while, and we were engaged for 2 years. Although I loved the time and company we spent together, after we broke up, I realized I had lost myself a little in the relationship. Since we broke up, I've found myself better able to focus on myself, goals, hobbies, and peace. I've become excited about life again. It kind of scares me a little because I often wonder if I've become so accustomed to this that I'll never marry and have a family. I'm in my early/mid 30s with no children and fear one day when I'm old, I will regret it.

I apologize if I've offended anyone and if my view of marriage seems pessimistic. I know everyone may not be cut out for marriage. I just wanted to get some viewpoints. Single/Never married people, your viewpoint is welcome too.
Although I think a lot of people can lose themselves in relationships and marriages, it is not a requirement of a relationship or marriage to do that.

One of the keys of maintaining a healthy marriage IS maintaining yourself, and making time for your own goals, hobbies, interests, etc. A good partner will also want to either be a part of those things, or supportive of you continuing and pursuing them on your own.

Being in a marriage is not two people giving up their individuality for the sake of something else. It is two people supporting each other's individuality and pursuit of happiness, and being a partner in that pursuit.
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Old 12-20-2014, 08:27 PM
 
2,600 posts, read 3,677,189 times
Reputation: 3042
Yes, that and having children. I've been addressing that the past few years. I'm in a much happier place mentally.
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