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My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 3. I'm 38, he is 57. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous. We have two daughters together, 7 and 4 years old. We both have full time jobs and own a successful retail store. Yes, we are very busy people.
The problem I have is that my husband pays very little attention to me, me as a person, me as his wife. Sure, we talk about our business, we talk about the kids, we do NOTHING together as a couple. Making love will happen two or three times a year! I feel like a have a business partner and a roommate.
I'm good looking, tall, thin, great sense of humor, always positive and love to have fun. I bust my butt everyday to make sure the house is clean, always a meal on the table, bills are paid, an issue arise, I take care of it,etc... In our personal life I ask nothing from him I do it all.
Example, the ceiling in our utility room is leaking water and sagging from all the ice and snow we have. He goes to work. I take the kids to a sitter, go to our store and do paper work, call around for someone to fix the roof, then go to work for 7 hours, make supper, plan a birthday party for our seven year old for the next day, clean the house, make supper, and take down x-mas tree and decorations. Did I mention, he went to work, comes home, eats supper, talks to the kids, and is in bed by 7 p.m! Any "Gee thanks" Nope, he must have forgot. Anything he asks for, I take care of, always with a smile on my face, always the second he asks. And I don't mind, in fact I like taking care of it all. I keep doing more and more just to say "hey, do you like me now"? "Now will you pay attention to me." My whole life revolves around him, what time he goes to work, what time he comes home, what time he goes to bed (works at 4am)
What 57 year old man, married to a 38 year old women, would not want this? In fact alot of his friends and co workers joke around and make comments like "She's YOUR wife" Wow, you are one lucky man" How did an old guy like you get ahold of her" Which makes him very happy!!!!!!
But somedays I get so sad. He doesn't go out of his way for me. When he comes home, no smile for me. Oh sure, I get Hi, how was you day? not that he isn't happy, he always tells me how much he loves his life. How happy he is.... I try having a conversation with him, one of the kids will enterupt and I'm cut off mid sentence while they get his full attention.
He isn't mean to me or grouchy. In the past I have told him how I feel. But he gets defensive, "I work all the time, I tired, I can't help it." and tells me (with slight sarcasim) that he will try to pay more attention to me and try to help out more. It lasts about 2 weeks.
His idea of a night alone together is reading the newspaper and falling asleep early. I don't read newspapers.
He does work very hard. A full time 12 hour a day job. Plus 10-15 a week at our store. (he does the buying and I manage the employees and the books)
so I understand that he is tired.
Hes not a stupid man, he is very smart, intellectual. I'm not the intellectual type that uses big words no one can understand. Although I have managed a motel for 11 years, three other businesses and now our store. His mother raised the three kids with I.Q tests. (whole nother story)
HELP! What can I do for him to put ME first once and awhile? Make me feel important. I'm not asking for all the time. Just enough to feel appreciated.
There is your problem. A marriage is a partnership...a give and take. The problem here is that you're doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking. Don't expect him to be a mindreader...some men don't understand the "I'm doing this to make a point" mentality that women sometimes tend to have (I do as well...I totally understand where you're coming from). He takes you for granted.
You know what they say about the "squeaky wheel getting all the grease?" It's time for you to start SQUEAKING!!! Let him know specifically how you're feeling....
In our personal life I ask nothing from him I do it all.
(snip)
Anything he asks for, I take care of, always with a smile on my face, always the second he asks.
(snip)
Hes not a stupid man, he is very smart, intellectual.
Yep, he's smart. He's got a servant and he knows it. You do everything he asks. Best part is, you ask for nothing in return.
I've said this before, I'll say it again: We teach people how to treat us. If you behave like a servant, of course he's going to treat you like one.
By all means, talk to him about it. Just don't be surprised if nothing changes. You've already spoken to him about this, and he makes an effort for two weeks, and then it happens all over again. He knows he just has to make a token effort for two weeks and then you'll back off. When you keep behaving the way you're behaving, you're showing him that you're all talk, no spine. Instead, talk to him about it, and the next time he tests you--because believe me, that's what he's doing--and tells you to do something, tell him you're too busy with something else and can't. And then don't do it. Don't come back to it later. Don't tell him you'll get to it when you can. Just don't do it. Ever. Let him do it.
In fact, I would suggest a vacation with your girlfriends. Go somewhere warm, maybe with a swim-up bar staffed by gorgeous locals. Get a hot stone massage. Dance with your buddies until your feet hurt. Then get a foot massage and pedicure the next day. At the very least, go to a spa for some pampering. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the TLC he's not giving you well while he fends for himself for a week, and see how he handles it.
If he's as smart as you say, one of two things will happen. He'll either get his head out of his arse, or he'll complain like a three-year-old. If the latter happens, that's when you suggest marriage counseling.
Right now, however, he has no reason to believe you are unhappy or that he's doing anything wrong because your actions are speaking far louder than your words ever could. Stop enabling him, watch what happens, and take it from there.
ETA: Note to self: look at the dates on these things before dithering on.
Last edited by Yzette; 02-26-2010 at 12:39 PM..
Reason: I can haz grammar?
My husband is 13 years older. He works longs hours and is tired at night but...if I come on to him, he's always willing. I think alot of times, women leave the initiating to their men. It can be fun to turn that table...and affirming to your husband.
At times we get into a rut...the sameness, day after day will make you fall into that trap without even noticing at times. I've begun to treat our "love affair" as part of a job ...so to speak. Otherwise, it's just too easy to get bored.
You seem so self sufficient...perhaps he feels like he's not needed...men love to feel needed. A lot of times, this is how a man shows his love for his wife, by doing things for her.
Topsekret, I didn't read all the posts. But the scattering of ones I did read all made some very valid points. I don't know if this was mentioned yet, but he may be suffering from depression, and if he is then it's adding to his problem. He really, really should agree to see his doctor (and get a full check-up, too). He's not only taking you for granted, he's also pissing your lives away when you're still young enough to do things together. He's making himself "old".
As for the things you do for him, I can see that you're happy to do it ~ you just need some appreciation for it (as you should!). But it isn't in his best interest, really.
My brother's wife did every little thing for him, and she wanted to. They were very close, though. But when she died last November, he's suddenly like a little boy lost, responsible for everything he's never had to do before, and he admits that it was a mistake. He didn't even know where all of their bank accounts were set up, had never washed a load of laundry or cooked a meal. He's having a very tough time.
Hey, thanks for the fast replies! I aready have a smile on my face.
Cali Bass Man, Funny you should say that. The other day I put my husbands winter coat on to go outside to shovel. When I put my hands in the pocket, guess what I pulled out? An empty bottle of Viagra. EMPTY? Hmmmm was I not awake? I don't remember any situation in the last four months that Viagra would need to be used. I'm not worried about an affair, I know where he is 24 hours a days. At the factory where he works, at our liquor store, or home. He did see me pull it out. I could tell he was flustered. I just ignored it and turned my attention to something else without skipping a beat.. I didn't want him embarrassed and didn't bring the subject up. You see, it's fun being at our liquor store. It's something he is very good at. He was a beer salesman for 25 years prior. He knows all the salesman, all our regulars are fun to be aroundand they all like him. He can be very personable. just an all around fun place to be.
Twinkle Toes, I do want to live with him the rest of my life. I love him and want to take care of him. I have tried many times to tell the kids not to interupt and I get a disapproving look from my husband. Before we were married we had LOTS AND LOTS of fun together! Everyday was a blast. Now he just wants to read the newspaper. What's with this? I don't care if I ever see another "newspaper" again. Geez, his wife is right in front of him and he wants to read the paper! Any suggestions on how to get that spark back? You mentioned you had counseling and it help. Can you give me more info. on how it helped
Stargazer. I know he would never go to a councelor. But maybe me. I'll think seriously about it.
Wait a sec...you found an empty bottle of Viagra and didn't confront him?
From everything I have read there are HUGE COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS that are going on between you two. You are harboring all these feelings inside of you, feelings of neglect, feeling unloved, underappreciated, unwanted, unheard...to the point of going into denial after finding out an empty bottle of Viagra and not even saying a word (brushing it off).
You need to speak up and tell your husband how you feel.
This sounds like a classic case scenario of why women jump into having affairs. I'm not saying you would, but I'm saying that your marriage has all the potential for this to happen.
[quote=topsekret;2426300]The other day I put my husbands winter coat on to go outside to shovel. When I put my hands in the pocket, guess what I pulled out? An empty bottle of Viagra. EMPTY? Hmmmm was I not awake? I don't remember any situation in the last four months that Viagra would need to be used. I'm not worried about an affair, I know where he is 24 hours a days. [quote]
This is one of the posts I hadn't read before. OMG!
Are you SURE you know what he's doing 24-hrs a day??? I hate taking the risks of planting seeds, but if you are expected to do so much for him, and he leaves an empty bottle of Viagra that is apparently not "worked", then I think you should have confronted him with the bottle and make him explain. It's the least he can do.
If you and your husband only have sex three times a year at the most, and there is no indication of any other kind of sexual contact between the two of you the other times, why does he have an empty bottle of Viagra? Also, if he's so sexually diminished that he needs Viagra, why is he hiding this from you?
I think your husband takes you for granted and cheats on you as well.
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Let him know specifically how you're feeling....
