Why does ODL make us impatient about building authentic relationships? (date, woman)
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That is how I use online dating: to meet more people.
But I do believe with the above comment(s) about Society perpetuating a myth (for most) that the earth will shake when you meet "the one" that has the chemistry you seek.
When you are talking to really attractive people, they have obviously been getting attention their whole life. So there is a reason they are on-line. For me, it's because I am busy, don't live in a city, and have been hurt by a few very attractive women. I have my guard up nowadays. But whenever I meet a woman face to face, it feels like she is expecting her world to be changed. I am starting to think they were hurt by someone along the way well into the relationship and they want to experience the emotions they had well into that relationship immediately.
But I don't believe things work that way. I can sit down with a gorgeous woman, but if she is dumb or completely superficial, I am not interested. I would like to think women feel the same way. But at the same time, I don't think you can measure that in one encounter. The dumb or boring person on the first date may turn out to be a tremendous athlete in one sport or like a certain genre of art that would make her appealing to me, it just didn't come out yet. That's why I think it makes sense to try atleast a second date if there was an attraction on-line.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Octa
I don't necessarily mean relationships in the sense of two people being romantically involved, but rather in the sense of two people building a connection that isn't shallow.
I was recently talking to someone who does online dating and she told me that she didn't like it. I asked her why and among her reasons is that you can be considered highly compatible, but not have a lot of chemistry. She couldn't really explain what chemistry was when I asked, but I did ask if she's only going out with someone once before making that decision and it turns out that she is.
Personally, that's what I find odd about online dating: people think they can order up their partner online. There's nothing inherently wrong about online dating, but I think a lot of people go about it the wrong way. When I meet people offline, I don't expect to have an instant connection with them. Many of my friendships developed over time and as have the romantic relationships I have had. I think people expect to be instantly gratified when they meet people and if they don't feel a rush then they move on despite any future potential.
There's also this word "chemistry" that I hear a lot from some people who do it. In the past, while online dating, I heard it and when I asked that person what it meant, she also couldn't explain it. Now I'm starting to arrive at the conclusion that many people are using chemistry as a sub in for the word "infatuation". We learn when we are young that infatuation is taboo and juvenile. "Chemistry" seems to be the grown up word for it that's acceptable because we use it without ever defining it and if we feel it, then we know it's right.
When you meet someone for the first time, you're essentially strangers who know next to nothing about one another. It takes a while to really get to know someone and understand their personality, their perspectives, and their history. If people treated friendships the way they do online dating, then I guess we'd all be lonely.
What is it about OLD that causes people to forego getting to know people. What is with the emphasis on instant appeal? Does it come from how the media portrays love?
The cause is that if you don't like the vibe of one person, you don't have to waste time accepting that because you have other dates or options lined up already. You are only as willing to commit to one as your options dictate.
The problem is that there's a lot of mythology circulating about getting "friendzoned", and men encourage each other to make their intentions known immediately and to try to move things along pretty quickly, or they'll be permanently friendzoned. Young men are telling each other that being friends first with a woman is the kiss of death to any relationship. They're presenting what you describe as being a common reality for women, as the worst fate possible for men.
Nobody has time to waste. The best thing that a man can do is be straightforward with women.
Why should a guy waste time being a woman's friend when he doesn't even want that.
You ladies may not like this straightforward approach but that is exactly what is needed.
If you want a friend go talk to other women or get a pet.
Nobody has time to waste. The best thing that a man can do is be straightforward with women.
Why should a guy waste time being a woman's friend when he doesn't even want that.
You ladies may not like this straightforward approach but that is exactly what is needed.
If you want a friend go talk to other women or get a pet.
Some people's feelings don't develop that quickly though.
That's the part a lot of people don't get. I totally agree that being straight forward and telling the truth is always required. Feelings don't always develop when you want them too. People miss out on some really good people that way.
That is part of love and relationships...there is always a risk involved. As I stated before...no kind of patience.
Relationships have to be BUILT. Building takes time.
Some people's feelings don't develop that quickly though.
That's the part a lot of people don't get. I totally agree that being straight forward and telling the truth is always required. Feelings don't always develop when you want them too. People miss out on some really good people that way.
That is part of love and relationships...there is always a risk involved. As I stated before...no kind of patience.
Relationships have to be BUILT. Building takes time.
Relationships definitely take time...i agree with you on that.
But it doesn't take long to know if there is chemistry between two people. That is what conversation is for.
If people would cut through the bullcrap and just be upfront about what they want there would be less time wasted.
I don't have weeks or months to spend "talking" to one person. My time is more valuable than that.
I and the men that I know don't have that kind of time to waste. To the point....as quickly as possible.
Chemistry should be able to be described if you are going to use the word imo..
Chemistry especially when meeting someone online?
Is a funny thing...
I.E.
How many people start by texting? Someone they meet online? They text and chat and then decide to meet when they feel this could possibly be a person that they are interested in meeting only to meet them and they lack "Chemistry" in person?
Meaning the conversation does not flow or evolve or as easily as it did via text...Perhaps the person was not shy behind their phone but in person they are and are tongue tied?
Maybe it is a combination of this and lack of physical chemistry....no connection no zing...
Perhaps the person misrepresented themselves altogether...
Whatever the case may be this would be a description of "Chemistry" The ability to connect cognitively and physically, effortless...
OLD doesn't make me more impatient to build authentic relationships. I was BORN impatient to build authentic relationships. When I meet someone I like in any context, I tend to want to get to know them better. Now that I'm in my 40s, I know statistically the clock is ticking on finding a long term relationship. And I'm seeking emotional intimacy. OLD didn't create that scenario.
OLD simply facilitates the process of meeting potential dates. That is all.
First and foremost, "chemistry" means physical attraction. Do I want to see more of her? When I've met people from OLD, I can sense it within a few minutes.
The biggest problem with online is that pictures do not always convey the person - some people are photogenic, some aren't. My biggest complaint is when women use creative angles or clothes to hide their weight. That is the biggest reason chemistry falls through, because I'll go from being excited to not really wanting to see her with fewer clothes. I had a feeling like that with this one girl from OLD. We texted a lot and seemed to have great online chemistry, but then IRL it just didn't click for me. I wanted to be her friend because of our shared interests but nothing more.
There is a secondary, but also important, melange of incidental factors that make up "chemistry." That's hard to explain, but it involves the ease of conversing, the voice, etc... Sometimes it can be little things like the way she walks or takes her glasses off. Ie: my longest relatioship I just loved the way her hair smelled. I can recall things like standing in a line & kissing her on the head and just loving the smell.
It's easier to build chemistry IRL then online because sometimes you know someone in passing or casually, and when you get to know them more you start to build that secondary chemistry that evolves into primary chemistry.
With OLD you build a fantasy based on their profile then get disappointed when it doesn't come true. I try very hard not to linger on or "study" anyone's profile very long.
Last edited by redguard57; 12-28-2014 at 09:29 PM..
Relationships definitely take time...i agree with you on that.
But it doesn't take long to know if there is chemistry between two people. That is what conversation is for.
If people would cut through the bullcrap and just be upfront about what they want there would be less time wasted.
I don't have weeks or months to spend "talking" to one person. My time is more valuable than that.
I and the men that I know don't have that kind of time to waste. To the point....as quickly as possible.
I disagree. Some people may hit off right at the start while for others, it takes time to develop. A lot of people date and marry people that they happened to be friends or acquaintances with at first.
I disagree. Some people may hit off right at the start while for others, it takes time to develop. A lot of people date and marry people that they happened to be friends or acquaintances with at first.
And many more people spend countless weeks, months, and years with someone that they should never have been with in the first place.
Just had a lady on here post that she was with a guy for 7 years with no commitment. It doesn't take years to develop "feelings" for someone.
I venture to say that it doesn't even take months.
Many of you ladies love the idea of having a guy wait for you and chase behind you for your affection.
That is bullcrap.
Like I said earlier....my time is valuable. I will not waste it on a woman that just wants to be friends and take it slow.
Men are right to make their intentions known very quickly. If the particular woman is not on board with it they should move on.
I have never met a woman that needed to "time" to get "into me". They either were or were not.
Last edited by usamathman; 12-30-2014 at 01:13 PM..
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