infidelity and deployment (wife, how to, marriage, women)

[15tango]

I deployed in 2011-2012 to Kuwait. Nothing hard-core, so I won't act like combat was an emotional stress I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with another type of stress. An issue, a issue I have that hurts and shakes me to the very core. She was not faithful and I just found out three months ago. I'm having a hard time finding an outlet so I hope that city-data will allow this. For three years, I was a complete fool, at least, this is how I feel. When I returned, she was there watching me get off the bus, greeting me. I took her to Washington DC, what a better place to travel after a deployment. To see such patriotism, valor. It was all I wanted and for her to experience it with me. We even conceived my second son in DC, he's my little "miracle in DC." Since the deployment, I bought a house, brand new car and things were going great, until, one night of sipping wine, we had a dreaded truth session. Everything out in the open. My confessions? I slept with a few randoms on our previous week long breakups pre deployment. Her confession? She was nearly engaged to another man during the time I needed her the most, and didn't end it until two weeks before I returned home from Kuwait. Now all I can think about is, the guys ji.zz probably still in her while I kissed her the moment I stepped off the bus. It's driving me crazy. How can I be so foolish for three years? How can I even seek closure since I just found out? Find the guy and punch him in the face for something that happened three years ago? No, that doesn't make sense. We have kids, and I just found out. So, hitting the high road, is difficult. I just want closure and forgiveness, but I can't manage that, or even phantom it.

[GrandviewGloria]

...because there's nothing better than the Mississippi Forum here at City-Data for ideas on what to do with a marriage in crisis.

You've been "unfaithful". She's been "unfaithful". So WHAT? There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this picture. In fact, it's the kind of picture a person could learn to appreciate in about ten seconds. Look at this as an OPPORTUNITY, not as a problem. Both of you like adventure, it seems. And here you are, living in a state that seems to be as big a swinging mecca as Ohio. You see where I'm heading with this, don't you? You're standing there with a bag full of lemons and she's holding a five pound bag of sugar. Lemonade, anyone?

Or maybe I should say "Pineapple, anyone?", because the Pineapple-Upside-Down symbol signifies "Special Times Inside", in posh Madison County. Reunion Swinger's Club One hears of pineapples hung from doors, basket-fulls of pineapples on porches... Madison Pineapple . And it's not just the hoity-toity Madison County Set who have swing clubs. There are ones all over the metro, from yacht club types ( http://kingfish1935.blogspot.com/201...say-about.html ) to trailer park types, including an elite one for particularly 'gifted' bodybuilders and their beautiful ladies.

And if Jackson seems too close to home, then there's Saint Tammany Parish in Louisiana. We were weekending there, and each had booked a personal trainer at Franco's. My Trainer kept eying my strapping husband over at the Squat Rack, and finally started dropping hints about Saint Tammany being The Swinging Capital of America. That's probably subjective, since I don't think there's any entity which certifies Swing Capitals. But the people getting off the little yachts anchored near 'Friends' restaurant in Madisonville frequently seemed to be the type. And a swinging dentist I knew from the gym told me there were TWO nudist camps there on The Northshore of Lake Ponchartrain, which both had serious action going on. Plus, there's that club in New Orleans.

I've preferred to keep such things within the realm of fantasy. So my only personal experiences are of our being propositioned - repeatedly. But everybody says that just beneath the surface, in Jackson, and Hattiesburg and Southaven (and I almost forgot Vicksburg: http://www.mslitigationreview.com/20...loses-lawsuit/), there's a lot going on.

And if groups are too much, there are always individuals and other couples.

Instead of looking for 'closure', consider this as an opening - an opening into a world where you are not anguished and penitent, but instead are partners in adventure.

[15tango]

I apologize if you cannot read good. I realize with time and dedication,* you can accomplish this much necessary task to be more proficient in your adult skills. somebody that can read good, would notice that I said "I was with the randoms during our break ups." It simply means, I was not with her the time I slept with other women. So in essence, I did not cheat and cannot be labeled as unfaithful. While your posting was a very sarcastic reply, I was trying to search for an outlet. Upon searching google for various forums about infidelity and deployments, I came across another soldier who posted a similar story on city data. He was met with various kind of people, so I wanted to try my luck. There isn't a real outlet for talking to people that was wronged during a deployment. There is counseling, there is friends but sometimes you want to remain anonymous and just post what you truly feel. Do you know why I posted that late at night? Because every night I'm up around that time thinking. So again I appreciate your response. Apparently I have to revert back to my childhood with you and tell you something that I was taught when I was a kid. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I'm really not understanding your swinger comment, because I'm not looking to be a swinger, I'm not looking for any sympathy, I'm looking for relevance and similar situations on how to deal. I award you zero points and may God have mercy on your soul

[GrandviewGloria]

Originally Posted by 15tango

I apologize if you cannot read good. I realize with time and dedication,*(?) you can accomplish this much necessary task(,) to be(come) more proficient in your adult skills. somebody that can read good, would notice that I said "I was with the randoms during our break ups." It simply means, I was not with her (during) the time (when) I slept with other women. So (,) in essence, I did not cheat (,) and cannot be labeled as unfaithful. While your posting was a very sarcastic reply, I was trying to search for an outlet. Upon searching google for various forums about infidelity and deployments, I came across another soldier who posted a similar story on city data. He was met with various kind of people, so I wanted to try my luck. There isn't a real outlet for talking to people that was wronged during a deployment. There is counseling, there is friends(.) but sometimes you want to remain anonymous and just post what you truly feel. Do you know why I posted that late at night? Because every night I'm up around that time thinking. So again I appreciate your response. Apparently I have to revert back to my childhood with you(,) and tell you something that I was taught when I was a kid. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I'm really not understanding your swinger comment, because I'm not looking to be a swinger, I'm not looking for any sympathy, I'm looking for relevance and similar situations on how to deal. I award you zero points and may God have mercy on your soul

Now, now, Angel Pumpkin: the Righteous Boat has already sailed, and so now's a little late to hop on-board.

While you may not consider yourself to have been "unfaithful", I suspect that theologians and divorce lawyers might tend to hold views on that subject which are divergent from your own. Or by "break ups", do you mean that you two divorced (more than once), and with acknowledgement and permission from the religious sect(s) to which you apparently cleave?

One would have hoped that some "Dynamic, youth-oriented ministry!" would have reached out to you and your attractive wife, by now, and invited you two to "Fellowship with them". Maybe they've been sending you private messages? Is this what you were hoping for?

There are plenty of congregations in Mississippi, within which guilt-ridden people have frequent "stumblings", followed by dramatic confessions and "re-birthings". I suppose this is a way of having one's cake and eating it, too. Guilt and drama may actually be experienced pleasurably by these people. And if that's the case for you, then you're in luck! The Jackson Metro features a panoply - a cavalcade - of congregations whose Young Adults groups function in ways which unintentionally facilitate this never-ending cycle of temptation, intrigue, 'sin', confession, and 'absolution'.

I can think of one enormous edifice featured perpetually in Mississippi Magazine's Wedding Issue, whose 'Young Adults Class' has, for decades, been labeled by members as "The Meat Market". And, decades back (according to legend), when their Preacher (a married man) got "caught" by a woman with whom he was having a clandestine affair, being "unfaithful" to her, it turned out that there were several other "other women" (The story goes that she'd planted a tape recorder in his office, which she took before the institution's governing board.) Well, members of that congregation told me that the Preacher, in his final address, blamed demons for targeting him, because of that congregation's key position, worldwide, in the fight against Satan. And then, everybody went to the front, and carried-on with exceptional fervency. Then, the Preacher moved to a bigger city and a bigger religious institution and a bigger salary. Afterward, everybody in Fashionable Northeast Jackson referred to the episode as "Our Little Tragedy". Apparently, everybody got what they wanted. Everybody was a winner. So who am I, to argue with such a strategy?

I can remember being dragged to a revival - all gussied-up - and the church ladies cooing over me - "Oh, don't she look just like one of those little Chinese porcelain dolls!" (This was, apparently, during the last moments before I became an astonishingly-hideous adolescent.) Well, I was basically a sort of human shield for Mama, who was there lookin' to book some 'dates' with the local menfolk. And I remember the absolute hottest football player in our whole school going up to the front when they played that song they always play. He started shaking and crying and carrying-on like nothing I'd ever seen (and I'd seen plenty). He had on Khakis and a red and white checkered plaid buttondown shirt, and he had a body so fine you could barely stand to look at him. Everybody was part-Indian in our neck of the woods, and this guy had those Channing Tatum kind of looks - but he made Channing look like dogfood.

So, as we were walking back home, Mama and my Great-Grandmother were talking about that boy's body in ways not fit to print, and the subject of why he was acting like that while getting saved. Mama told her Grandmother, "He got caught...." (And then she remembered I was present, and leaned-in close, to whisper it...). I will never get over needing to know what that fine boy got caught doing.

But the point is, that when he cringed up to the front and had that nervous breakdown... all the drama/histrionics of the moment made whatever he'd done OK. I think that's nice. And if this is the sort of approach that works for you, then have at it, Honey!

There's 'Immorality' and there's 'Amorality'. I was offering The Amoral Solution in my last post. I do consider it 'relevant', since this strategy seems to work for tens of thousands of young Mississippians.

Maybe some dynamic ministry will come forward, and offer to help you with the Morality-based Approach. From your rep rating, I surmise that you've gotten at least two reps... possibly along with invitations to experience the life-changing dynamism of those members' own congregations. I certainly hope so.

Of course, living in the Jackson Metro, you can certainly combine approaches, as many people do. It's certainly possible to have a Friday Night Persona and a Sunday Morning Persona. And who's to say that's not the ticket to a satisfying lifestyle? Like they say, "It's yours in Mississippi!"

__________

And yes, Listener, you are right! As the beginning of my favorite Theda Bara movie states, "When two people marry... ... they must take two little bears to live with them - Their names are Bear and Forbear." And here's Theda, herself, to demonstrate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtpnuDwFVPQ

That's Chopin on the spinet, if I'm not mistaken, and don't you love that decor? I think Theda looks like a whiter version of me. Just scrub off the makeup, give her a Graduated Bob-cut, send her to the gym for thirty years, and you'd have Gloria. You wouldn't have to change the clothes or the jewelry - particularly that Golden Cobra Brassiere she wears in Cleopatra.

[Listener2307]

Tango, I think the biggest problem was when you and she decided to have That Talk. She had no right to tell you what she did, and you had no right to know it. When you think about it, it must have been on her mind and must have been bothering her. But her attempt to get it off her chest was misguided. There are some things we should keep to ourselves. Forever.

These are serious times for you. You will lose sleep, feel betrayed, get angry. I would not ask her for details, even though you may be tempted to do so. When you talk to her, try to steer the conversation away from all the details and instead try to get her to tell you what she was thinking that made her cheat. You may learn something about her - and yourself - in the process.

Talk about it with her. And when you are both talked out and can speak civilly, you should both agree that it should never be brought up again. If you don't make that agreement, then one of you may be tempted to bring it up in the heat of a future argument.

There are things in everyone's life that should remain private. Ignore all these nitwits who preach that there should "be no secrets between man and wife". There are always secrets, always burdens, and some of these should be kept private in order to protect someone you love. You have see firsthand the damage that can be done when an unthinking person chooses to relieve her burden by telling an awful truth. She thought she would feel better by telling you - instead, she made it worse.

[NewYorkiforniainHouston]

Y'all weren't together and you cheated.
Y'all weren't together and she cheated.

Looks as if you both just cancelled each other out, make up tonight and start from jump in the morning. Vaya con Dios.

[Madeline2121]

What does this have to do with Mississippi?

[An Einnseanair]

Originally Posted by 15tango

I apologize if you cannot read good. I realize with time and dedication,* you can accomplish this much necessary task to be more proficient in your adult skills. somebody that can read good, would notice that I said "I was with the randoms during our break ups." It simply means, I was not with her the time I slept with other women. So in essence, I did not cheat and cannot be labeled as unfaithful. While your posting was a very sarcastic reply, I was trying to search for an outlet.Upon searching google for various forums about infidelity and deployments, I came across another soldier who posted a similar story on city data. He was met with various kind of people, so I wanted to try my luck. There isn't a real outlet for talking to people that was wronged during a deployment. There is counseling, there is friends but sometimes you want to remain anonymous and just post what you truly feel. Do you know why I posted that late at night? Because every night I'm up around that time thinking. So again I appreciate your response. Apparently I have to revert back to my childhood with you and tell you something that I was taught when I was a kid. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I'm really not understanding your swinger comment, because I'm not looking to be a swinger, I'm not looking for any sympathy, I'm looking for relevance and similar situations on how to deal. I award you zero points and may God have mercy on your soul

One major point is that this specific sub-forum is for discussing the state of Mississippi. People, customs, etc. There are other City-Data forums for discussing Relationships or perhaps Psychology. It's not that I'm dismissing your feelings, but you'll likely get better responses if you follow those links.

If you want everyone to pat you on the back and agree that she was entirely at fault, then you need to go to a bar near an army base. Around here we tend to call it like we see it. There were break-ups long ago and you immediately started sleeping with other women. You can claim you are innocent on a technicality, but I call BS. Later you left her alone for months (12? 18?), you were not married, and during that time she slept with other men. If you had mutually agreed to be exclusive, then she violated the relationship. On the other hand, she could easily and legitimately argue that she "broke up with you" while with those other men... she just didn't tell you. She is just as innocent or guilty as you are.

Either get over it and move on with your relationship, or not. As you are the type of guy to obsess over such ridiculous thoughts as, "the guys ji.zz probably still in her while I kissed her the moment I stepped off the bus, I'm guessing "not".

For the sake of your kids I'm hoping you get over yourself and keep your kids in an intact family. Please consider it.

[Ankhharu]

A tiger doesn't change it's stripes. I think it's time to move on. I for one, don't see you as a cheater. Just because there was no legal procedure to break your marital contract, doesn't mean the relationship was over. Then she was engaged to another man? I feel ya brotha, That is a tough pill to swallow. People suck. Period. I've been cheated on a few times. One of the cheaters showed up at my door a year after I dumped her for cheating, trying to win me back while she was engaged to another man. The nerve.
Relationships are hard. Relationships in the military are harder. Relationships in the military with long deployments are even harder. This wasn't some one night stand she had, she had a full blown relationship with attempts to replace you. That is twisted. Kids or no kids, you need to cut her loose. You can't trust her, which is fine, because you'd be a full to trust her. Be thankful she took the mask off and revealed her true self. The cheaters will come out of the woodwork to tell you that if you love each other to forgive and to forget. Ignore them. Don't be anyone's doormat. Life it too short to deal with all that jazz. Move on. There are better people out there.