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Hello! It has being a while... well, this is going to take a bit, so please be patient with me, I really need advice as to what to do now...
About a year ago I met this guy whom I connected with instantly. We get each other. About 2 months into our relationship, if you can call it that at that point, I needed a place to live and he offered me his. I moved in and we have being living together ever since. His lease ended in September of this year and we decided to "formally" move in together, you know have the lease in both our names, as well as all the bills, etc. etc. started talking about our future together, maybe get a house after this lease is up, we love dogs, specially bully breeds and want to start a recue/foster for them, everything seemed great.
A month after we moved in to the new place, I found out he had lied to me, nothing huge or earth shuttering, but it was a lie. He had called me from work and told me he would be going out after with a friend whom he hadn't seeing in a long time, he would not be out too late because he had work at 5am the next day. To put it in perspective, since the very beginning of our relationship, I have never had a problem with him going out with his friends, male or female. I had trusted him implicitly, all I ever asked from him was honesty and respect, and every time he goes out I always say to him: "have fun and be safe" that is it. So a couple of days later I found out not only had he not gone out with this friend (the friend had just gotten out of jail and has an ankle bracelet which does not allow him to be out passed 10pm) but he had gone to a bonfire at some girl's house. Who is this girl? not a regular friend, not someone I had ever met or heard of, just a co-worker.
Needless to say I was furious!! not because he had gone to a girl's house, again I have no problem with that at all, he has a very charming personality, and he is very friendly, has a TON of friends. I was furious he had lied to me, he had looked me in the eyes and lied to my face for two days. We talked about it, and he explained he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to ask questions, that he believes I get jealous and that he didn't want to start an argument. I explained I didn't care if he went out to a girls house, I trusted him, I knew that he was not cheating, or talking to other women in that way. We talked things through, some other issues came up during this convo and well, we realized our communication was lacking, but we patched everything up and things from that point forward have being going amazing!
Until yesterday... Last Sunday night we found out we are pregnant, I am happy, ecstatic, absolutely over the moon, it was not planned, but we had talked about our future, about starting a family, and well, it happened... So yesterday I did the unthinkable, I went through his phone. Yes I know I should not have, yes I know if I trusted him I should have never done it, but there was this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I should, call it sixth sense, jealousy, crazy pregnancy hormones, whatever. I did it. And I found a couple of Facebook messages/convos that broke my heart in a million pieces.
He has this friend whom he has always described as loving her like a sister, she is married, and they have being friends for a few years, used to be co-workers, that is how they met. their conversations are very forward, and somewhat inappropriate. Like my bf telling her that he will come service her naked with just an apron on so she can get well fro her flu. Or her giving him some very inappropriate compliments, but the worst was when he asked her for a picture he had apparently asked for before and she sent him a nude. The fact that she thinks is ok to send my bf a nude picture, being married and knowing very well that he has a girlfriend is infuriating to me, she clearly has no self respect and/or morals. But the fact that my bf's response was "that is not the picture I meant, but is a very nice picture lol" instead of telling her it was inappropriate, is what broke my heart.
All through out the day yesterday and most of last night I thought about it, some times I thought I could just let it go, I know there is nothing going on between them, I know he is not cheating physically, but is this emotional cheating? how far is he going to let it go before he puts a stop to it? how long before he gives me my place as his gf and makes her respect our relationship? how long before this branches out to the real world? what if I let it go and a year down the road we decide to get married, is this going to be nagging at me for the rest of my life? It can potentially ruin the relationship further in the future.
Then I think, it is just a picture, there is nothing going on there, they have known each other for a long time, and I have so much to lose if I say something. Not only because I went through his phone, or more accurately through his Facebook messenger, and I know he will be pissed and with all the reason to be. But also because I don't think I am ready to lose him, I don't think I am ready to face the fact that perhaps he is not ready to be with me, to be in a committed, adult, relationship with me. We are expecting a child, and I don't want our child to grow up with a part time father. I don't want to be a single mom, I am in love with him.
So, for the first time in my life I don't know what to do, the pros and cons are so strong and are valid in their own way. To confront him and lose him or to not confront him and lose myself. Of course there are a dozen scenarios that could come out of this entire mess, but non the less, I have no clue as to what to do.
For those who have read my replies and threads, you know I have a very level head, I am very open minded, and non judgmental. I look at each situation from every possible angle and give my opinion based on all the facts presented. but today I am clueless and so I ask you for advice... Thanks for reading this long a$$ post
Last edited by valeeighty2; 12-29-2014 at 08:12 AM..
Know your worth, walk out and leave him. Having a baby will only make things more difficult for the both of you. He has been cheating on you since you have started dating.
This sounds just like one of my best friend's marriage. She and her ex had a whirlwind romance, pregnant early on, and she found out he had been cheating on her, not with just one girl, but many, many women.
It's a lot to leave someone, but you need to set a good example for your child. If you have a girl, what would you advise her in this situation?
No one deserves to be treated this way. Find a place to live on your own, put a plan in place. Make sure you get him to pay child support.
In the end, advice. Leave him, you deserve someone to love and lift you up.
I'm sorry, but based on the facts as presented, to just say "end it" or "it's over" at this time is wrong. SO many more factors go into relationship issues. It appears thus far that sure, he may be going overboard as to what you (the OP) believes to be proper (I also feel the nude picture is just plain wrong), and that your definition of cheating may be different than his. And until proven otherwise, there hasn't been any physical cheating.
Maybe he knew you'd be upset because he knows how you feel about it even though he thinks she's just a friend and nothing is going on between them. Of course that, from a communication standpoint is wrong. Maybe his idea of what can be done in a friendship (especially of the opposite sex) isn't your approach. But to just assume he will emotionally detach himself from you and your child to be is jumping the gun.
Before a plug is pulled, especially with a baby on the way, some deep talk and/or counseling should be encountered before any finality of the relationship happens. You shouldn't just pull the plug on one incident, especially if there isn't patterned behavior over a lengthy period of time.
I think you already know the answer here. I think at this point, an abortion should be considered. Whether you want to keep it or not, be assured, unless you want to continue on with someone who is obviously working in a shady way, you will have to raise a baby, on your own, and with a continued reminder of the ex bf that helped make it. Take it from a guy who has been there, when the naked pictures are being shared, there is nothing innocent about it.....
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. Always trouble and never worth it.
